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In conflict situations we tend to step into familiar roles and often endlessly repeat the same unhelpful behaviour patterns. Karpman's Drama Triangle offers a useful model to understand the three roles that play out in these situations and what needs to be done to find a way out of these repetitive conflict scenarios.

The three roles we can step into are that of The Victim, The Persecutor and The Rescuer.

The person in the role of the victim feels oppressed, helpless and powerless and inferior. The stance in life is 'Poor Me'.

The person in the role of the persecutor is blaming, oppressive, critical and superior. Their stance is 'It's all your fault'.

The person in the rescuer role needs to help, find solutions, be supportive and allows the victim to fail. Their stance is "Let me help you'.

We tend to have a preferred role that we play in conflict situations. This role was usually formed in our family of origin and is therefore very familiar. However, in the drama triangle we also switch roles from time to time when one position becomes untenable. A victim can become a rescuer or persecutor; a persecutor can become a rescuer or victim.

Depending on the nature of your relationship you may be stuck in a particular familiar dance: one of you is always the victim, the other always the rescuer. One of you is always hard done by or helpless and the other needs to always support the other and enable your partner's difficulties.

When stepping out of the drama triangle the aim is to act in a more adult way, rather than from the perspective of child or parent. For more background info on the adult/child/parent model listen to our podcast of 7 March 2021, How to use Transactional Analysis to communicate better.

Nobody wins in being stuck in the Drama Triangle.  To step out of it you will need to develop more awareness of the role that you play and to take responsibility for your own feelings and behaviours.  Persecutors will need to learn to be more assertive rather than aggressive,  victims will need to learn to recognise their vulnerabilities and learn how to address them and rescuers will need to set more boundaries, allowing the other person to make their own decisions.

We explore ways of communicating more effectively and dealing with conflict in much more detail in our online course The Relationship Maze. Check out our website to find out more and to access other resources.

You can also get additional show notes on our podcast website.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

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Now that Christmas and New Year is behind you do you struggle with feeling sluggish, more pessimistic and less motivated than usual?  The beginning of the year is often a time when many people experience very low mood. The month of January is often associated with high levels of depressive episodes. While the idea of 'Blue Monday' is reportedly a marketing invention by a travel company many mental health organisations report a 25% in the incidence of client depression.

In today's episode we discuss the difference between clinical depression and short term low mood episodes.  Our moods fluctuate all the time and a short period of low mood does not mean that we are depressed. We look at the reasons for the high number of people feeling low after Christmas. We also look at the impact of depression on individual partners as well as the couple system.

For more info on approaches to addressing and treating depression please listen to our podcast of the same title on 3 May 2021.

The PHQ9 is a short questionnaire which measures the severity of depression. (Depression Severity: 0-4 none, 5-9 mild, 10-14 moderate, 15-19 moderately severe, 20-27 severe). Please be advised to contact a mental health professional if your depression severity is high.

We are adding more and more resources on our website The Relationship Maze - head over there now and find new ways to help you improve your relationships.

Get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

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In this episode we talk about new year's resolutions for the incoming year. We start off by discussing the relative merits of new year's resolutions and setting yourself goals in general. You may always start the year with lots of new plans or you may not.  Is now the time to consider what matters to you in your life and in your relationships? How do your values inform the goals that you are setting for yourself, either in your relationship or in aiming to find the right relationship for you?

We set goals explicitly or implicitly all the time. Goals give us a sense of direction in life. However, before setting off in trying to reach a particular goal it is helpful to consider first of all why  you might want to achieve a certain goal. What informs your desire to have a specific relationship goal?  For example, if your value is to have a close connection with your partner then you your goals should be related to this overarching value.  One of your goals could be to learn to manage conflict more effectively. Disagreements with your partner that can be addressed and resolved build more connection and intimacy in the relationship. Another goal may be to go to dance classes or to undertake other activities that bring enjoyment to the relationship and help you build connection.

If you are single it would be helpful to have a clear understanding of the values that matter to you in a relationship. These values will clarify the goals that you can set yourself in going about on your partner search.

We briefly discuss different goal setting models such as SMART and GROW that can be helpful in breaking down your goals and keeping you focused on getting the result that you would like to see.

We are adding more and more resources on our website The Relationship Maze - head over there now and find new ways to help you improve your relationships.

Get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

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In today's episode Angela talks about the concept of differentiation. Differentiation refers to our ability to develop and evolve psychologically, on our own and in relationships with others. In relationships we need to maintain our sense of self while also getting close to another person without losing our identity. Differentiation means we are neither emotionally fused nor are we completely separate from each either; we know who we are and we can tolerate our partner being different from us. We can be our self within the structure of an intimate relationship. The higher the level of differentiation in the couple, the more mature and successful the relationship. 

Angela discusses the signs that show that you are in a relationship where one or both partners are poorly differentiated. Or maybe you are in a relationship that shows  high levels of differentiation?

Being locked up and thrown more closely together as a couple has been quite challenging for lots of couples during the pandemic. One indicator of a relationship that is mature and able to survive a lot of strain and stress in the relationship is the level of differentiation. Arguably a high level of differentiation in both partners is the number one indicator of a successful relationship. 

In a nutshell differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love. 

There are two forces that pull us in a different direction in every relationship:

• Our need for togetherness. The pull to be loved and belong, to be part of a group. In this polarity, we might choose to minimize our personal preferences or dull our traits in order to be loved by our partner.
• Autonomy/individuality. The pull to be myself and to follow my own directives. The need to create our own unique identify. 

Differentiation is higher order to togetherness and autonomy. In relationships we need both. In today’s society independence is prized above all. It is seen as as strength. Therefore there is often confusion about this in relationships. Surely, if I am more independent that’s a good thing? Independence is a very valuable but relationships also require interdependence. We all have a need to be cared for and loved.

Signs that there are low levels of differentiation in the relationship include

• An excessive need for harmony and the complete avoidance of conflict.
• Constant fighting as both partners can only see their own position as valid. 
• Distancing yourself from your partner based on the belief that nothing can be resolved.
• Leading separate lives.
• Spilling over into each other. One or both partners feel responsible for the feelings of the other.

Signs of high levels of differentiation in a couples

• Having a strong sense of self.
• Being able to distinguish between feeling and thought.
• Knowing your own position while tolerating that of others.
• Solid self but permeable to others. You can take on different perspectives without ‘losing yourself’.
• Being able to connect with your partner without fear of being taken over by their emotion.
• Being able to have mutuality in the relationship: following your own path for growth as well as being concerned about your partner’s wellbeing and growth.

We are adding more and more resources on our website The Relationship Maze - head over there now and find new ways to help you improve your relationships.

Get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

If you celebrate Christmas you may have all sorts of expectations of the festive days. Based on your earlier experiences of Christmas you are likely to have a number of associations with Christmas - some positive, some negative. Many couples experience Christmas as stressful for a number of reasons: giving and receiving gifts that are appropriate, concerns about spending a lot of money,  spending time with your partner's family and managing the various chores on the day(s). If you are single and spending Christmas without family, the holiday period can be experienced as intensely lonely.
In this episode we discuss these potential stressors and consider ways of preparing for Christmas as best as possible.


Expectations
You are likely to have a particular script about the way you would ideally like to spend Christmas; this may either be a wish for a corrective experience, now wanting Christmas to be the way you always wanted it to be but never quite got or a wish for the Christmas that you always had as a child and that you want to replicate as best as possible.
Check with your partner what they want to avoid possible disappointments. Agree ahead of the Christmas days what you both wish for.

Gifts
You may have a very clear idea in your head about the kind of present you want to get for your partner. Your partner may have the same thoughts. You may find that your ideas about Christmas presents vary wildly. One of you may be used to getting very extravagant presents; the other may buy a 'small' present. There can easily be disappointments about the presents that are received. It helps to clarify from the outset what your expectations (and means) are and to agree whether you want to surprise each other or indicate what you would like to receive.

Money
Money has a transactional value that goes beyond monetary value. Money has symbolic significance; it can stand in for love, power, success, autonomy, dependence or sexiness. Each of us has grown up with a specific concept of money depending on how it (or the lack of it) was experienced when you are growing up. Partners in relationships need to have conversations about money and how it gets managed in the relationship, in particular when living together.
At Christmas disparities and different ideas about money often come to the fore. Be clear what and how you want to spend your money over the festive period if you often experience challenges in this area.

The wider family - your partner's parents
You may enjoy your partner's family/parents in which case there is no stress around spending extended time together. You may, however, find your partner's family challenging. There will need to be acceptance up to a point that your partner would like to spend Christmas with their family, however, you can also make prior agreements to have time out if and when needed.

Domestic chores
Often stress arises as one partner perceives to do more work in preparing for the day or hosting the event. Develop a plan with your partner agreeing who does what: who does the shopping, cooking, wrapping of presents or looking after the guests on the day.  Make a list of the various tasks ahead of time and agree who manages which task

We would really love to hear from you. Email us to share your ideas about addressing the issues that we mention in this episode: [email protected].

We are proud to be celebrating our first year of The Relationship Maze podcast. You have the one off opportunity to win FREE access to our detailed online course The Relationship Maze by joining this promotion. Click here to enter.

Get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

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Are you aware of your attachment style in relationships? Do you know what activates you into feeling insecure in a relationship? Knowing your attachment style will be hugely beneficial in understanding how you relate to other people. In this episode we consider whether your mindset is determined by your attachment style. We ask whether an insecure attachment style is more likely to lead to a fixed mindset and conversely whether a growth mindset can contribute to changing your attachment style. We briefly discuss the four attachment styles and how they manifest in relationships: secure, anxious-preoccupied, avoidant-dismissive and fearful-disorganised. Neither attachment styles nor mindsets are set in stone - a growth mindset can contribute to developing security in relationships.

Your attachment style is your specific way of relating to other people. Attachment Theory was originally developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. As a child you create an internal working model or template of relationships  based on your experiences with your primary care giver(s). As adults we carry forward these templates; they will inform what we expect of relationships and our partners and how we respond to their behaviour. While these templates are not set in stone, they originate in our childhood experiences and get confirmed or amended with subsequent experiences in adult life.
The following are a very brief summary of the different attachment styles:

Secure attachment

 You find it easy to establish strong, intimate relationships. You can share how you feel - the good, the bad and the ugly. You trust other people and are happy to both give and receive love. You can depend on your partner but also be independent.
 
Insecure attachment

Anxious-preoccupied: you are very concerned about being abandoned by your partner - ultimately you cannot trust anybody to stick around for long. You need quite a lot of validation and reassurance by your partner and will often be experienced as 'needy' in the relationship. You spend a lot of time thinking about the relationship, constantly analysing what has been said and what this may mean.

Avoidant-dismissive: you are highly independent and struggle with too much closeness to your partner. You easily feel suffocated and trapped. You cannot really trust anyone to be there for you in the long run so you may as well best rely only on yourself. You tend to keep your feelings to yourself.

Fearful-disorganised: you want closeness but are also highly worried about being too dependent on anybody else. You want affection but are also highly suspicious of anybody who offers it to you. You may engage in a lot of risky behaviour and may be more likely to end up in a relationship that is violent. You struggle to regulate your emotions.

Roughly 50% of adults have a secure attachment style with the remainder of the population displaying an insecure attachment, that is either anxious (20%), avoidant (25%) or fearful (5%).

A relationship is secure if one partner is secure. The most common presentation in couples therapy is one where one partner is anxious and the other is avoidant.
 
With an insecure attachment there is arguably a higher likelihood for a fixed mindset where a partner is either idealised or the relationship is experienced as threatened if any conflict arises. Conversely, a secure partner is more likely to have a growth mindset: relationships are seen as evolving, a partner's imperfection are acknowledged and not seen as threatening to the relationship overall and conflict is seen as inevitable and a possibility for learning about each other's differences.  Having a growth mindset enables the development of a secure attachment and vice versa. Both are intrinsically linked.

To find out more about your attachment style and how partners with secure or insecure attachment styles interact with each other listen

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

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Do you believe in the idea that love is either there or it isn't? Do you think that your partner is either meant to be for you or not? Do you worry that a partner who is not always as perfect as you want them to be may not be the right partner for you? In today's episode we discuss how your mindset influences your thinking about relationships and dating. The notion of mindsets was developed by Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck (2006). She suggested that people can take up two extreme positions in life: they either have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. If you have a fixed mindset you believe that your own qualities or that of others cannot change; if you have a growth mindset you strongly believe in stretching yourself through learning and trying. Your mindset will determine your attitude to all aspects of life including your thinking about relationships.

You can read more about mindsets in Angela's article The 2 Life Positions that Determine Whether You Are More Open to Possibilities - Are you in control of your intelligence?

Carol Dweck developed the idea of mindsets originally when observing children's behaviour. She noticed that some children gave up immediately when they were faced with a challenge or a setback telling themselves that they could not do the task. Other children, however, were not troubled by setbacks but simply tried again. Dweck's coined the terms fixed and growth mindsets to describe underlying beliefs about learning and about intelligence. Her findings found particular application in the realm of parenting and education. However, fixed and growth mindsets are equally useful concepts when considering romantic relationships.

Fixed mindset in relationships
A fixed mindset means that you are more likely to think of relationships as static; you are either in the right relationship or you are not. If problems come your way, you are more prone to worry about the relationship in terms of whether it is right or not. This attitude starts at the point of dating. With a fixed mindset you weigh up whether the person in front of you is right or not. There may be a strong underlying belief in destiny. If your date is not ticking all the boxes you consider them to be the wrong partner for you. Ultimately with a fixed mindset you are more likely to be anxious about challenges. The idea of one true, ideal lover and love as a constant is of course drummed into us through fairy tale stories and romantic Hollywood movies.

Growth mindset in relationships
With a growth mindset you accept that relationships like other aspects of life are ever changing. You view relationships as an unfolding process of development. You don't view your partner as perfect but as flawed and you work at accepting these flaws. If there are 'set backs', e.g. you have a disagreement or an argument, you consider ways to address these difficulties and you are open to learning from them. With a growth mindset you think of yourself as constantly evolving and you apply the same principle to your partner. Relationships change and they require effort.

For relationships to flourish they require survival beyond the early stage of relationship (see also our podcast on Relationship Stages). Growth mindsets can be cultivated. You can learn to view relationships as challenging and joyous.

As a reflection on your relationship consider the following questions:
1. What in your relationship do you think is unchangeable/ what hasn't worked?
2. How would you like your relationship to be/what would you like to be doing with your partner?
3. What effort do you put into your relationship on a regular basis? What small actio

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

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Understanding the structure of your brain helps you and your partner to understand what happens when you are in a state of high emotional expression, e.g. when angry or feeling under attack. We briefly discuss the three main regions of the brain: the brainstem, the limbic area and the cortex by using Daniel Siegel's highly visual hand model of the brain. When we feel threatened we react - that's the way our brain works. Being reactive and mobilising for fight, flight or freeze responses means we are in survival mode. In this mode we are reactive rather than receptive to our partner. In order to be open to others we need to be able to employ the thinking part of our brain, the cortex which enables us to reflect, think and connect with others. We discuss how to be able to switch from a highly reactive survival response to having the capacity again for social engagement: listening, understanding why we responded the way we did and being able to generate understanding for the other person.


Our brain had three main areas: the brainstem, the limbic area and the cortex (sometimes also called neocortex). In order of visualise these three areas Daniel Siegel suggested using our hand as a model. Put your thumb in the middle of your palm and close your four fingers over your thumb. The front of your knuckles would represent the front of your face; the wrist represents your spinal cord. Lift your fingers and move your thumb away from the palm of your hand you can see your inner brainstem. When you put your thumb back and curl your fingers over it, it means that your cortex is in place and working. 

Most of the time when you are arguing with your partner you do so because you want to be connected, to be really understood and listened to. In order to be able to talk to each other effectively, i.e. to listen to the other and to be listened to, both partners need to be in a receptive rather than a reactive state.

The bit about the human brain

When our nervous system goes into a reactive mode our fight/flight/freeze responses get activated which make it neurologically impossible for us to be able to positively connect with another person. The parts of the brain that get activated in this state are older in evolutionary terms, the brain stem and limbic system. The old brain is hardwired for automatic reactions that don’t require thinking therefore allowing us to react very quickly when we perceive to be in danger. The sensory data from our brain gets the body into motion; it requires us to run, to fight back or to play dead depending on what seems to be the best strategy for survival at the time. We share this part of our anatomy, the “reptilian brain” (brain stem) and the “old mammalian brain” (limbic system) with all other mammals and reptiles. 

The new part of the brain, also called the “new mammalian brain” developed later in evolutionary terms with the appearance of primates, the cerebral cortex. In particular the frontal part of the cortex allows us to assess a situation cognitively and to moderate some of our instinctual reactions in our old brain. Our prefrontal cortex is what distinguishes humans from the rest of the animal world. The prefrontal cortex does not only enable us to think, analyse and evaluate it also allows to reflect, i.e. to have an awareness of our thoughts and feeling states.

Reactive mode: Fight/flight/freeze

While we are consciously aware to some extent of the workings of your cerebral cortex, most of the functioning of our old brain happens on an unconscious level. Our reptilian brain evaluates external stimuli in terms of whether we need to run away from someone, have sex with them, look after them, submit to them, attack them or whether we are able to be nurtured by them. These assessments are made within milliseconds.

If

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Do you suspect that you or someone you know may be in a relationship with a partner who is narcissistic? Narcissism is a personality disorder. A narcissist has an excessive need for admiration, a distorted view of their own importance and a complete lack of empathy. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist your relationship will be toxic. In today's episode Angela talks to Dr Mariette Jansen, author of 'From Victim to Victor – Narcissism Survival Guide' and the more recent 'Rulebook of a Narcissist – Narcissism Self-help Guide’. Mariette herself was at the receiving end narcissistic abuse; she is passionate about bringing more awareness to the experience of being in this type of toxic relationship. Mariette highlights how to spot the red flags that tell you that your partner might be narcissistic and what to do if you find yourself at the receiving end of narcissistic abuse. Mariette offers practical tips on how to respond adequately to the demands of a narcissist and how to break the narcissist's rules effectively.


Dr Mariette Jansen suffered for many years at the hand of narcissist abuse by her mother. She is now specialising in coaching clients who have a experienced narcissistic abuse by their partner or other people who are close.

Being in a relationship with a partner who is a narcissist gradually and painfully erodes a partner's self esteem and self worth. Often this process is not noticeable to the partner who may increasingly experience a number of feelings and thoughts that tend to be very self critical. A narcissist will shower you with attention and interest in the early stages of the relationship. This 'love bombing' is very seductive and exciting. In the course of the relationship the narcissist will change their tone. They will be become critical, complaining, attacking and may also frequently engage in 'gaslighting' their partner.

In this podcast we discuss how a person who is experiencing narcissistic abuse by their partner may invariably contribute and feed into the abuse. Mariette offers some practical tips on how to respond to your narcissistic partner when they are making unrealistic demands, put you down, make you question your judgement or belittle you.

Not sure whether your partner is a narcissist? Mariette's checklist will give you an idea of the types of behaviour that indicate that you partner may be narcissistic.

Head over to our website now where you can find

• FREE 10 day Relationship Challenge
• Attachment Style quiz
• Articles on relationships
• Our comprehensive Relationship Course for
  • new or established couples
  • couples in conflict
  • couples preparing for marriage
  • couples who want to strengthen their relationship
  • singles who want to prepare for a long lasting relationship and find the right partner

Also, get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Do you frequently feel that you are the only person around who is constantly giving? Do you struggle with actually taking in compliments when they are given to you? Or do you find yourself feeling overwhelmed when there is too much attention coming your way?In today's episode we discuss the importance of giving and and receiving love in a balanced way.We look at the complexities around giving: often the need to constantly give can be driven by an underlying issue with low self worth or a number of anxieties. Often there is also a correlation between giving a lot and not being able to fully receive other people's attention and care. Conversely, you may find yourself struggling with giving your partner or other people close to you the attention that they desire from you. You may also find too much attention overwhelming.


Do you often find yourself in a relationship where you feel that you are the one who is constantly making all the effort? There are usually underlying reasons for finding yourself in this position. These reasons may be related to

• an insecure, anxious-preoccupied attachment style
• a 'Please others' driver
• low self esteem
• anxiety about losing friends or a partner

Frequently, when finding yourself giving too much to others, you take up the position of the victim in the relationship with others and make others the perpetrator.

Conversely, do you find that you struggle to be very giving? Do you tend to be more withholding in relationships?
The underlying reasons for your behaviour may be related to 

• an insecure, avoidant-dismissive attachment style
• feeling overwhelmed when there is too much attention and focus on you
• anxiety about becoming trapped in a relationship

There are many facets to giving and receiving love. The underlying reasons for giving too much/too little or receiving too much/too little tend to go back to earlier experiences that we had, either in childhood or in our subsequent adult relationships.
 
In today's episode we look at some of the possible scenarios that you may frequently find yourself in.

In Transactional Analysis we talk about drivers, ways in which we learned to behave to feel ok. If your driver is to 'Please others' (please see also our related podcasts Being a People Pleaser and 'I'm ok, you're ok' - the foundation of healthy relationships) you are likely to have a life script that tells you that you need to always be nice to other people and do your best,  otherwise others may abandon you. You are therefore likely to overcompensate by doing and giving all you can to make sure that the other person will still be there for you. At the core there is an underlying concern that you are not really lovable enough and therefore need to work extra hard at relationships.

If you learned repeatedly, usually starting in childhood,  that no matter how hard you try you won't get the attention that you desire, you may have given up on having any expectation that the love that you give will be received. You may therefore not try quite as hard anymore and you may also be quite cautious when another person is showing you a lot of attention of love.

Head over to our website now where you can find

• FREE 10 day Relationship Challenge
• Attachment Style quiz
• Articles on relationships
• Our comprehensive Relationship Course for
  • new or established couples
  • couples in conflict
  • couples preparing for marriage
  • couples who want to strengthen their relationship
  • singl

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.