The Relationship Maze

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In today's episode we are in conversation with Dr Ilene Strauss Cohen  - https://doctorilene.com - psychotherapist, author of five award winning self-help books and above all mother to two lively daughters.  Ilene's publications   include her most famous book, 'When It’s Never About You', and her new book, 'Anxious for Answers'. She’s a regular contributor to Psychology Today, with dedicated readers numbering in the millions. 

In the discussion with Ilene we talk about life transitions and family as systems. How does a big change in a couple's or family's life impact on everyone?  We discuss how the arrival of the child impacts on a couple. Having a first child is one of the biggest changes that happens to the couple relationship, yet many couples are often very unprepared for this big life change.

Another big life event that has a huge and often transformational impact on a family is the death of a family member.  This is particularly true if this family member was very influential. 

Ilene explores some of the idea of Bowen's Family Systems Theory. Couples and families are emotional units where each member impacts the other and is interdependent. If there is change at one end of the system, it will affect everyone else. 

Ilene also highlights how to manage anxiety in the couple system. Couples in conflict are often in a high state of anxiety and need to regulate this first before they can resolve the conflict.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

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The questions 'Do I really love the person I am with?' or 'Do I still love my partner?' are often asked in therapy.  In the early stages of the relationship one or both partners might be unsure whether they have made the right choice. In a more established relationship where there is a lot of conflict, partners may start to question whether there is still love in the relationship.

There is no one definitive definition of what love is; love can be defined from a biological, sociological or psychological perspective. In our earlier podcast What the Greeks can teach us about relationships - seven types of love we discuss the many forms that love can take.

We are often presented with ideas about love that present us with an unattainable ideal. Love in romantic films is often portrayed as the end goal of an arduous journey; once we are at the end point we will live happily ever after.

When loving another person we make an active choice; we decide that we are deeply interested in the other person and that we continue to be open to the process of engagement with the other.  Love is not a finished product but a continual process. When loving someone we opting in; we have to want to love someone.

In this episode we discuss how your drivers and attachment style also come into play when feeling unsure about loving another person.

If you want to explore in more detail how you function in relationships, head over to our comprehensive course, The Relationship Maze. We help you understand yourself and your partner, improve your communication skills  and work on building a long lasting, loving relationship.

Here's what one of our subscribers had to say about the course: 'I found the strategies suggested enabled me to see myself differently and explain why repeated approaches to relationships always had the same outcome. A real “light bulb” moment for me. There is a great wealth of material available on this site - such great value for money. I highly recommend The Relationship Maze'

If you want more information related to a specific podcast episode check out The Relationship Maze podcast page. 

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

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In today's episode we discuss common fears that come up when it comes to making a decision about your partner. We also talk about the challenges that arise if one or both partners opt out of or question their commitment to the relationship and their partner.

What does the term 'commitment' conjure up for you? For many people the idea of committing to another person brings up a lot of fear. Frequently there may be an association with being trapped or stuck.

Difficulties with committing to a relationship may be down to a fear of being tied down to a relationship and partner that does not feel safe. If your earlier relationship templates in life have primed you to expect trouble in intimate relationships or if you have learned that relying on another person can be risky, you are likely to be very cautious at the idea of making yourself vulnerable and having dependency needs. In particular an avoidant-dismissing attachment style is often associated with partners who are masters at defending against intimacy.

Committing to another person and a relationship with this person means saying 'yes'. That does not mean that you have to agree to everything that your partner brings and that you cannot disagree. In fact, you frequently will. Fundamentally, committing to the relationship is a stance of openness to the other person.

The process of committing to another person can happen relatively quickly for some people, however, for others it may take a while, in particular if they have been badly hurt before. Commitment issues often arise because there is an underlying lack of trust: the trust that the other person can really be there for you. Rather than staying in the relationship which feels risky, it might feel less painful potentially for the insecure person to exit before they get hurt.

Even if you have made a firm commitment to your relationship by getting married, committing to your partner is an ongoing process that doesn't just stop after the wedding vows have been exchanged. Relationships go through different stages and in any relationship there will be two people with different view points, opinions, expectations and desires. These difference will cause the occasional, or frequent, conflict. Being committed to your partner and the relationship entails an openness to engage with your partner's perspective, even if you disagree with it or if it clashes with your own needs and wishes.

For more information on improving your relationship or starting a new relationship head over to The Relationship Maze website.

Get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

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If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, you may wonder why they are putting up with the abuse and just don't leave. You may also ask yourself this question if you are currently in a relationship that is abusive.

Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour in relationships where one partner maintains power and control over the other. The abuse consists of physical, emotional, sexual, economic, psychological or spiritual acts that threaten the partner. The partner who is at the receiving end of abuse is put down, belittled, intimidated, frightened, manipulated, hurt, shamed, blamed or injured. 

Domestic abuse occurs across gender, socioeconomic, ethnic, sexual, religious or cultural boundaries. Man can abuse women and women can abuse man. The same goes for anybody who identifies as non-binary.

In today's episode we look at two aspects of domestic abuse: the abuse cycle and the trauma bond. We also look at the connection between an insecure attachment style and being in an abusive relationship. We use the term 'victim' or 'survivor' (this term emphasises the capacity of people who are the receiving end of domestic abuse to develop strategies that help them manage the abuse).

Abuse in relationships usually unfolds gradually. The perpetrator is mostly experienced as charming, caring and loving in the early stages of the relationship.

In the abuse cycle we identify four typical phases: the tension building phase, the crisis point/assault, reconciliation/honeymoon phase and the return to 'normality'/calm phase.

The glue that binds together perpetrator and victim is the trauma bond (also called Stockholm Syndrome). When in a situation that is experienced as dangerous our natural instinct is to turn towards the person closest to us for soothing. In abusive relationships that very person is also the source of the threat and fear. In the emotional confusion this causes for victims/survivors, they become increasingly anxious and more and more dependent. In particular in the reconciliation phase of the abuse cycle when the victim experiences 'love bombing' by the perpetrator the victim feels soothed and reaffirmed again by their partner. There is the perpetual hope that everything will be alright again eventually.

Survivors of domestic abuse tend to be in a 'freeze' state of the fight/flight/freeze response of the automatic nervous system. The safest way to survive the abuse is to 'play dead': to shut down, dissociate , deny or appease.  A nervous system that is in a chronic freeze response often leads to a number of physiological manifestations: chronic headaches, stomach pain, high blood pressure, fatigue, depression and anxiety and many other PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) symptoms.

Survivors of domestic abuse are often isolated by their abusive partner. They often doubt that they are at receiving end of abuse. If you have any sense of regularly being put down, controlled, threatened, physically assaulted or made to engage in any sexual contact against your will, it helps to talk to somebody else. It is likely that you are in an abusive relationship.
 
There are a number of organisations available that help you plan for safety as well as for housing or financial support.

For further information about domestic violence and abuse and links to organisations in the UK that help please find the NHS link here.  Please check the help that is available in your country. There are many non-profit organisations available across the globe. The United Nations also has information and number of links.

For further information about The Relationship Maze check out our website and

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

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In today's episode we talk about the kind of behaviours that indicate that your relationship is in trouble. Some of these red flags require more urgent action, others may require attention further down the line. All of the flags listed below should not be ignored in the long run as they are likely to erode or undermine you and/or the relationship. 

Pay close attention if your partner or the person you just met displays any of the following characteristics or behaviours:

• They are physically or verbally violent. -
• They express anger or other extreme emotional reactions (prolonged, silent treatment) in a way that makes you feel unsafe. -
• You are concerned about their excessive alcohol and/or substance abuse. -
• They exceed your physical boundaries even in small ways making you feel uncomfortable. - 
• They put you down regularly - even if done in a joking way. -
• They hold views that are abhorrent to you, e.g. racist, misogynistic, homophobic. - 
• They are excessively  jealous and can’t manage to control it - e.g. they tell you what to wear, who you can see or where you can go. -
• They love bomb you, i.e. they make grandiose, over-the- top, expressions of love too early on. This is common with narcissists and often goes together with other toxic traits including gaslighting and emotional abuse. -
• They are at a very different life stage, e.g. you want kids, they want to party. -
• They describe all their exes in a very negative light, always blaming the other and not taking on any responsibility for their own, contributing actions. -
• They are highly inconsistency or noncommittal. -
• You experience a lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship. You can't really be open with each other. -
• They rely on you as the only person for emotional support for their serious mental health issues. -
• They don’t like it when you take time for yourself.  They require constant attention. -
• They ghost you frequently, early on in the relationship, disappearing and then popping up again. -
• They gaslight you, making you question your own judgements. -
• Your friends express an unusual dislike for your partner. -
• They are rude to other people who they perceive to have less power, e.g. people  in the service industry. -
• You feel unusually hesitant to introduce them to your friends. -
• Their dating profile differs significantly from the actual person in front of you. -
• They don’t listen to you. -
• They constantly require reassurance from you. -
• They are glued to social media all the time not paying much attention to you. -

For more information on improving your relationship or starting a new relationship head over to The Relationship Maze website.

Get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Today we discuss different aspects of trust: the trust you place in yourself and in other people.  We have to trust other people implicitly all the time. For example, when driving a car we trust the other drivers not to crash into us.

We make predictions about what is going to happen based on our previous experiences. If these experiences have been largely positive, we are likely to have to have similar expectations of other people in subsequent situations. The same is true of negative experiences. Our experiences shape our beliefs.

When dating or in the early stages of a relationship you are in a situation of vulnerability. You cannot predict yet whether the other person is going to stick around. Dating comes with a certain amount of risk.

Whether you are more or less trusting in your relationships depends on your earlier experiences. If you have learned in childhood or adulthood that other people are not reliably there for you, you are likely to predict that the same will happen in your present relationships. If you have an insecure attachment style (anxious-preoccupied, avoidant-dismissive or fearful-disorganised), you will be less trusting of other people because your earlier experiences have taught you that the important people in your life are not always available to you.

If you have little trust in yourself, you may frequently self-sabotage by unconsciously choosing partners who are not trustworthy. They confirm what you already think about yourself.

The more trust you have in yourself, the more trust you think yourself as lovable and desirable, the more likely you are to project this out to other people.

How can more trust be created in relationships? We discuss some of the ways in which you can show each other your trust.

To find out more about attachment styles check out our quiz on The Relationship Maze website or listen to our earlier episode How learning about attachment styles can help you understand your relationship.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Attending to romance in your relationship is important for at least two reasons: to keep the relationship alive, exciting and fun and to continue deepening the connection between you. Ideally you pay attention to romance not just one day in the year but throughout your relationship.

Romance has different connotations for everybody; we all like to be romanced in different ways.  For some people romance is more closely associated with the idea of excitement, mystery and passion; for others it is about the deep, steady and safe bond of love.

Our way of thinking about romance is influenced by the Romantic period in the 18th/19th century. As an antidote to the previous period of rationalism key features of the Romantic period where a celebration of the emotional, spontaneous, imaginative, the irrational and the mysterious often set in wild natural locations that mirrored the hero's emotional state. Think of Emily Bronte's Wuthering Height with the doomed lovers compelled to continue falling into each other's arms in the blustery winds of the Yorkshire Moors.

Romantic gestures make ordinary life extraordinary. They emphasise what is special about the person you love and what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Being romantic means being attentive to your partner, showing them your care and love and noticing their love in return.

Romance often takes you back to the early stages of the relationship where you were  falling in love as opposed to staying in love. These intensely pleasurable feelings of love can be conjured up when you decide to focus on them. Visual cues such as photos from this period may help you recall the honeymoon period.

In this episode we talk you through an exercise in Imago Therapy by Harville Hendrix that helps you to re-romanticise your relationship to create greater and more loving connection with your partner.

And finally... we love seeing our audience grow across the globe. The top cities where most of our listeners live are currently Alpharetta (US), Los Angeles (US), New York (US), Brisbane (Australia), Melbourne (Australia), Calgary (Canada), Gabarone (Botswana), Frankfurt (Germany) and the small town of  Dyserth (UK).  Big shout out to all of you! We really appreciate your support. Email us to let us know if there are any particular topics you would like to see us talk about: [email protected].

For more information on each podcast go to The Relationship Maze podcast website.
And to find out more about our online course on relationships go to The Relationship Maze.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Most people would regard communication as the key element of a strong relationship. Couples who start with couples therapy often say in their first session that they think they need to improve their communication skills. They believe that more talking or different ways of talking will address and improve the difficulties in their relationship.

And they are right, of course. However, before any communication can take place both partners will need to have a certain willingness to talk to each other. They need to want to connect. Listen to today's episode to find out how to create more connection.

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  • Learn to understand what goes on for you internally. 
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      • Learn to gain insight into your partner's state of mind. 
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          • Know what to do when you don't feel connected at all, e.g. when you are angry.
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              • Learn how your parent's ability to read your mind influenced your attachment style. 
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                  • Learn why openness and curiosity toward your partner are crucial. 

                    Connection can take place in many ways, for example by doing fun activities together or by giving each other a hug. Another key component that creates connection in our relationships is our capacity to 'mentalise'. Mentalising is the ability to 'read' or understand the state of mind of another person as well as your own.  If you can reflect on the reasons why you or the other person may be thinking or feeling in a particular way you have a better understanding of certain behaviours and may be more accepting, forgiving and ultimately understanding.
                    
                    Our parents' capacity to mentalise will influence our adult attachment style.
                    
                    If you can mentalise well you can create more connection with your partner. You can think about your thinking. You have more capacity to regulate strong 'negative'  emotional reactions and you can come to a better understanding of what makes your partner the react the way that they do.
                    
                    Connection requires a certain amount of willingness, openness and curiosity. I need to want to understand what my partner is experiencing and why.  This is the point where communication is key: I need to check whether my understanding of what my partner thinks or feels is right. I may think that I know but my mentalising may have been on the wrong track and may require clarification.
                    
                    For more information on improving your relationship or starting a new relationship head over to The Relationship Maze website.
                    
                    Get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

                    Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
                    Tom's website
                    Angela's website
                    
                    Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
                    
                    Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Do you often get drawn into other people's conflict? Do you bring in a third person to alleviate stress? In today's episode we discuss an important concept from family therapy: the notion of triangulation.

When we are in a situation of intense relational pressure, be it at work, with friends or our partner, we often bring in a third person to release some of this pressure. For example, if you are very frustrated with some of the demands or behaviours of your boss at work you may complain to a colleague about the unreasonable demands made on you. This temporarily releases the pressure and makes the situation more bearable. The same is true in your relationship with your partner. 

Triangulation can be functional or positive where it resolves the problem or it can be dysfunctional when it perpetuates the  problem. If the conflict with your partner continues over a long period of time and you always need a third person involved in your difficulties (a friend, a family member or your child) the situation can become quite pathological and unhelpful.

The most important triangle in our life is our relationship with our parents. It determines our future relationships. If your parents always struggled to resolve their conflict they may have triangulated you or a sibling. You become the mediator or rescuer in the family who always tries to fix other people's problems. You become the parentified child, stepping into the role of the parent. This dynamic then get carried forward into adult relationships.

In conflict situations with your partner you may unwittingly be triangulating your children or you may bring in your parents.  Your child or mum for example may then step into the stress situation to mediate and sort out the problem.

In dating situations a third person may be brought into the dynamic to make you feel jealous, often destabilising your self confidence.

In couples therapy the therapist gets triangulated with both partners wanting the therapist on their side.

Triangulation happens all the time, however, if unchecked, it can have a devastating impact on the person who is brought into the dysfunctional relationship, for example children who get drawn into the war zone between their arguing or divorcing parents.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Have you been looking for a partner for some time now? Do you struggle with finding the right person for you - either you are not keen or the other person isn't smitten by you?

Or are you in a relationship and unsure whether your partner is right for you?

When dating you may find that you are often attracted to a similar kind of person, frequently someone who may not be the best match for you. In today episode we discuss whether there needs to be an initial spark when meeting someone; what might make you feel attracted to another person; why your understanding of yourself is key in relationships; how your attachment style influences your dating behaviour; your unconscious choices in selecting a partner; factors that contribute to building a long term relationship; whether you may need to develop different strategies when looking for a partner; questions you may ask yourself to determine whether your partner is right for you.

If you want to find out more about projections listen to our episode from January 2021 How projection can make or break your relationship. And if you haven't listened yet to our earlier episode on attachment styles tune in to out more about how you and your date's or partner's attachment style may interact in  How learning about your attachment style can help you understand your relationship.

We discuss all of these topics and much more in our online course The Relationship Maze, a comprehensive and easy to follow course that is informed by our many years of working as therapists with individuals and couples. We discuss all aspects to do with dating and relationships. 

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.