The Relationship Maze

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What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.

Welcome to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of human relationships. 

In today's episode, we'll be diving into the topic of jealousy and how it affects relationships. 

Jealousy is a common emotion that can arise in any type of relationship, whether it's romantic, platonic, or professional. Jealousy is usually a fear of loosing someone you care for to someone else.  It can stem from a variety of sources, such as self-esteem, past experiences, or even a lack of trust. But how does jealousy impact relationships? Jealousy can present on a spectrum ranging from normal (reactive) jealousy to more troublesome presentations where a partner becomes increasingly controlling because their fear of loss becomes unbearable. At the extreme end, jealousy can lead to stalking or violence. Pathological forms of jealousy are often more related to forms of narcissism and self love rather than to loving a partner. 

Join us as we explore these questions and more, and gain a deeper understanding of how jealousy can shape our connections with others.

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In today's episode we talk about shame. Shame can be one of the most difficult feelings we can experience as it goes to the core of our notion of self. Talking about something that we experience as shameful makes us feel intensely vulnerable and exposed. We can experience shame as an attack on our core self. 

We distinguish between healthy feelings of shame and unhealthy, chronic and toxic shame which is often the underlying emotion of a wide range of disturbing experiences: low self-worth, anxiety, depression, isolation, addiction, self-harm, issues with uncontrollable anger and many more.
Shame has a prosocial function; it is important for facilitating social bonds and norms and enables us to notice when we have  transgressed a social norm,  have made a  mistake or have crossed a boundary. We can make amends and our feeling of shame will dissipate very soon. Milder versions of shame are feeling embarrassed or guilty. With guilt we are more likely to focus on our wrong behaviour which is different from a stronger version of shame where we focus on our self as being flawed.

With chronic shame we feel bad about who we are, rather than what we did. Chronic shame can get us into a cycle of shame where we an association evokes a previous experience of shame, which activates negative thoughts and feelings. This then get our defenses going (e.g. avoiding or attacking) and will lead to inappropriate  behaviour such as self harming, drinking or isolating for too long. These behaviour in turn will make us feel more shame and the cycle starts anew.

Chronic, toxic shame can develop in response to painful childhood experiences, for example always being negatively compared to a sibling, being bullied at home or school, guarding a family secret like alcoholism, being poor or being constantly being disproved of.

In the podcast we talk about what you can do to develop more shame resilience, getting less triggered or not at all triggered by earlier associations that evoke shame. In order to manage shame more effectively, it will need to be recognised and understood first. 

The Relationship Maze courses:
What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In today's episode we talk about feelings and emotions. As therapists we always encourage our clients to express their feelings and emotions. We discuss why it matters to get in touch with your feelings and emotions.

 Our emotions represent our lived experience and they are personal to us. Getting in touch with our feelings and emotional reactions will provide us with information about how we relate to the world and interact with others. We often distinguish between 'positive' and 'negative' emotions and often struggle to express the former. 

Our emotional responses are learned and therefore they can also be reviewed and changed if necessary.

We talk about interoception: our ability to consciously or unconsciously sense, access and identify physiological and emotional signals that come from within us. The more awareness we have about our internal state, the more able we are to emotionally regulate effectively. With a strong sense of interoception we can more readily identify our emotions and respond appropriately to signals for example of (perceived) danger.

We discuss approaches to managing challenging feeling and emotions more effectively so that you don't get overrun or controlled by your internal sensations.

The Relationship Maze courses:
What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In today's episode we are in conversation with dating and relationship expert Dr Kathrine Bejanyan.

According to research, nearly half of US adults say dating has gotten harder for most people in the last 10 years. This has caused more than half of young people in America not to have a romantic partner, and the majority of those dating to express dissatisfaction with their romantic lives due to several negative experiences.

Katherine talks about the challenges of today's dating world, common mistakes that people make and the frequent phenomenon of 'ghosting'.

Dr. Kathrine Bejanyan  runs a private therapy practice focusing on relationships, which has helped thousands of people develop a healthier and happier love life. Through individual or couple counselling, which usually takes 8 to 16 weeks, she shows her clients how dating and relationships really work and how they can use this newfound knowledge to create long-term romantic relationships they draw strength and love from, not pain and confusion. Previously,   she worked as a Relationship Consultant at The Executive Club of St. James's, a high-end matchmaking agency where she helped clients gain a better understanding of themselves, their partner(s) and learn how to form true intimacy within their romantic relationships. She has a Master’s in Counselling Psychology and a Ph.D. in Social Psychology, concentrating on romantic relationships. She is also an accredited member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy with a license as a Marriage Family Therapist from the US. Dr. Kathrine is also a highly sought-after speaker on relationships, and she has written for several magazines, including Huffington Post, as an expert on relationships.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

If you have ever experienced bullying, at school, in your workplace or in your relationship(s), you know how devastating it can be. Bulling is often defined as one person intentionally and consistently causing emotional or physical harm to another person. We would like to expand this definition by also including behaviour that causes serious harm whether it is intended or not. 

We look at the the make-up of bullies. What makes somebody bully another person?
We then discuss the impact of being at the receiving end of bullying. Having been bullied at school for example can cause serious harm for the rest of a person's adult life.

The Relationship Maze courses:
What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Do you generally tend to put things off in your life? We are all familiar with undertaking some tasks that we are not too keen on. Procrastinating doesn't mean that you are lazy, in fact often the opposite is true. Many people's houses are the tidiest when an uncomfortable task has to be avoided at all costs, e.g. having to study for exams or having to have a conversation with friend, colleague or partner about their troubling behaviour.  

Rather than being a question of laziness, procrastination is often more about avoiding the engagement with troublesome emotions. 

Procrastination is frequently driven by an an underlying anxiety:  that you cannot do something well enough or that the person you need to talk to might not react well. Procrastination is a form of avoidance: we avoid what we don't enjoy or that we fear. 
Procrastination is often linked to perfectionism. The underlying fear is that the task cannot be done well enough.  

With procrastination the only way forward is to acknowledge the underlying emotions and to get going. This involves being able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings. How to break the pattern of procrastination? 

We discuss some strategies like the time management technique Pomodoro, that you might employ to break your habit of procrastination. 

The Relationship Maze courses:
What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

How open are you to finding out more about others or about the world in general? In today's episode we discuss the importance of being curious. Curiosity is a drive to want to find out more, to learn and to understand. Curiosity keeps us open rather than to get stuck in our assumptions that we know already everything there is to know. In relationships curiosity keeps you open to your partner and their perception of the world. 

Having a stance of curiosity enables you to gain a deeper insight into other people and to possibly avoid some of your confirmation bias as well as your underlying assumptions. Your curiosity can lead to new insights and deeper learning.

Couples can benefit from setting time aside where they openly engage in a process of inquiry. For example they may discover answers to the following questions: what is my partner experiencing? Why are they getting upset? How do I actively contribute to difficulties in our relationship?  What change is needed here to improve our relationship? You can also engage in an appreciative inquiry where the focus is on what works well in your relationship.

The Relationship Maze courses:
What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In this episode we discuss your inner critic, a negative voice that tells you for example that you are not doing well enough, are not likable enough or you will never be able to do this. This voice usually questions your actions or your sense of self  in a way that is not helpful. 

Your inner critic tends to usually have been around for quite a long time. Much like taking in food, we we would have taken in messages by our parents, teachers or other people in authority who teach us who we are as a person and what is possible or impossible in life. We learn patterns of thinking about ourselves and the world. We internalise other people's voices. These earlier templates of learning about the world run in the background all of the time and will need to be brought into awareness if we want to change our thinking. 

We look at ways of challenging your inner critic, bringing your internalised messages into awareness and questioning whether your thinking still serves you well in the present day.

The Relationship Maze courses:
What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In this episode we talk about patterns in your relationships which tend to keep you firmly entrenched in roles which can be very disempowering.  You might often find yourself coming to the rescue of others, always making sure that you look out for others.  Or you may find that you frequently end up in a victim role where you feel put upon or disregarded by others.

We discuss the drama triangle, a model of problematic interactions and conflict in relationships. This model was developed by Stephen Karpman, over 40 years ago and it is still very relevant to developing an understanding of relationship dynamics today.

In today's episode we focus in particular on two roles of the drama triangle: that of the rescuer and the victim.

If you are interested in finding out more about the drama triangle and Transactional Analysis you might want to listen to  our earlier episodes
Are you always the victim, persecutor or rescuer in conflict situations? - Understanding the drama triangle
How to use Transactional Analysis to communicate better

The Relationship Maze courses:
What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In today's episode we talk about the experience of feeling disappointed.  Disappointment is the roll call of feelings that you have when something did not happen or wasn't as good as hoped for. We all had experiences in life where our hopes were dashed and expectation that we had were not met. These expectations might relate to other people, situations or an idea about our own capacities.  The ensuing feeling of not having our expectations met can be one of sadness, anger, loss, betrayal and frustrated hopes.  Your expectations might either be more realistic or they might be more in the realm of fantasy (e.g. winning the lottery).

Your partner is likely to disappoint you at some point in the relationship by not meeting your expectations. This is particularly likely to happen once you have left the initial honeymoon stage behind: you are now likely to see your partner warts and all rather than just a projection of a prince or princess.  We look at how you can minimise disappointments with each other in the relationship.

Related podcast episode:
Expectations - How You Create Your Own Relationship Disappointment

The Relationship Maze courses:
What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.