The Relationship Maze

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What might a relationship with two partners who are avoidant-dismissive look like? Or two people who are anxious-preoccupied?  In today's episode we look at the combinations of (insecure) attachment styles in relationships.

We discuss the dynamics of relationships where one partner is secure and the other isn't and look in more detail at the impact of having the same or opposite insecure attachment than your partner. While there is no clear prediction whether a relationship with two insecurely attached partner will last or not, there is more likelihood that some insecure combination of attachment are going to run into trouble.

In couples therapy the most common presentation is one where one partner is avoidant-dismissive and the other is anxious-preoccupied. Both partners have similar wounding but opposite defenses.

Related Relationship Maze podcast episodes:
7 Signs You Might Have an Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style
7 Signs You Might Have an Avoidant Attachment Style

The Relationship Maze courses:
What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Following on from our podcast last week where we discussed the anxious-preoccupied attachment style, we are now focusing on the the avoidant-dismissive attachment style and how people with this attachment style adapt to relationships.

According to estimates circa 50% of the population is secure and 50 % is insecure: 20 percent is anxious-preoccupied, 25 percent is avoidant-dismissive and 5 percent is fearful (a combination of insecure attachment styles).

People with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style may have difficulty trusting and forming intimate bonds with others, and often avoid close relationships. They may be in long term relationships but struggle with vulnerability, closeness and connection. They may also have difficulty with self-expression, in particular expressing their emotions.

People with an avoidant attachment style often focus on being independent, self-reliant, and self-sufficient. They may also be uncomfortable with physical or emotional closeness and prefer to keep their distance from others.  A person with this attachment style avoids intimacy, which is experienced as threatening. They therefore find it difficult to be vulnerable and open up to other people.

In this episode we’ll discuss some of the indicators of an avoidant-dismissive attachment style and how to improve your relationships.

The Relationship Maze courses:
What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Today we will be looking at some of the common presentations of an anxious-preoccupied/ambivalent attachment style. A person with this insecure attachment style is generally very concerned with wanting to be completely emotionally intimate with others and finding that others are never quite as willing to get as close as desired.  There is a very strong expectation as well as a fear of rejection or abandonment by others. With this attachment style there is often a lot of protest behaviour with a ready expression of feelings. Anxious-preoccupied people tend to be in the maximiser and pursuer role. The focus is on the other person as source of soothing and a safe haven to regulate oneself.  However, this desire is frequently not quite satisfied, leaving the anxious-preoccupied person chronically disappointed, angry or frustrated.  A person with this attachment frequently worries that others don't value them as much as they value others. 

The seven signs that we will be looking at in our podcast episode include a tendency to

- exaggerate emotions,
- be 'other' focused,
- be highly dependent on others,
- have porous self-boundaries,
- act submissively and at times manipulatively,
- move between aggressiveness and passivity.

The Relationship Maze courses:
What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Do you sometimes feel that your partner oversteps boundaries in your relationship or that you struggle to set boundaries yourself? Do you have a healthy sense of boundaries or are your boundaries either too rigid or too porous?

Boundaries are the invisible lines that demarcate your personal (physical) space, your limits, your values and rules that guide your life.  We know when someone displays behaviour that is not acceptable to us; we might notice a sense of discomfort for example. If we never experience any sense of boundary violation, this may be a sign that you had to shut down your sense of self very early on in life. Boundaries tells us when demands are being made that might transgress your sense of what feels right.  Often we are not that clear where our boundaries are; they will need to be brought into awareness and clearly defined. This is particularly true in relationships as both you and your partner are likely to have different boundaries.

Boundaries can be too rigid or too porous. We discuss what rigid and porous boundaries look like, why someone might have these types of boundaries and what healthy boundaries you should set yourself. Rigid boundaries are often a defense and may go hand in hand with an avoidance of emotional intimacy. Porous boundaries are usually driven by the desire to please and by an underlying fear of loss. 

Healthy boundaries are important - they bring a sense of comfort and safety. Partners often assume that they know each other's boundaries. The truth is that these boundaries will often have to be explicitly stated and at times negotiated. Your partner cannot read your mind and will need to know where your line is. Conversely, you will need to know where your partner's boundaries lie.

The Relationship Maze courses:
What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In episode 118 we are delighted to be in conversation with Dr Julia Carter about current dating trends in society. Are we all as free, unrestrained and equal as we would like to think? Do you know what factors contribute to your choice of partner? Find out more dating patterns and what dating tells us about wider society in general. 

Julia is a Senior Lecturer in Sociology at the University of the West of England. Her research interests include marriage and relationships, families and personal life, and gender and sexuality. She is particularly interested in intimate relationships and the roles these play in an ever-changing social context. Her academic publications focus on marriage and narratives of love, sexuality and commitment; living apart together relationships, policy and social change; weddings and gender; and love and relationships. Julia has also recently collaborated with eHarmony to produce a 'Bristol Love Report' based on research on the dating lives of Bristolians.

If you would like to contact Julia for research purposes, please email [email protected]. Her twitter handle is @juliajcarter.

Julia's publications:
Carter, J., & Arocha, L. (Eds.). (2020). Romantic Relationships in a Time of 'Cold Intimacies'. Palgrave Macmillan (part of Springer Nature). https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-29256-0
 
Carter, J., & Duncan, S. (2018). Reinventing Couples: Tradition, Agency and Bricolage. London, UK: Palgrave Macmillan. https://doi.org/10.1057/978-1-137-58961-3

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships, https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

In today's episode we talk about the low feelings that many people get in the winter period. The lack of light can affect your mood to the extent that you might struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD is a form of depression that is usually experienced during the autumn and winter months. Everybody gets affected by the changing season, however, with SAD you are hit much harder than others, e.g. struggling to get out of bed, meeting friends or feeling very tearful. Unlike clinical, long term depression, SAD usually lifts with the arrival of spring or summer.

We emotionally regulate through connection with others. In the dark and cold winter months, these interactions often get reduced. It's dark and cold and therefore cosier to stay indoors. This in turn can affect your mood adversely if you are already feeling low and lonely.

We discuss what you might want to do if you experience low mood in the winter months.

Related Relationship Maze podcast:
Approaches to Addressing and Treating Depression

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships, https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

Today we are talking about generalised anxiety - how you might experience it, how it impacts on you and your relationships and what to do about this unpleasant sensation.

Anxiety is a normal response. It is part of our inbuilt biological defense system. It activates our autonomic nervous system and makes us experience a number of physiological symptoms such as a pounding heart, racing thoughts, tension in our stomach clammy hands. Anxiety presents as a feeling in our body as well as a series of thoughts. Unlike fear which is associated with an immediate fight/flight response to a real situation that is threatening, anxiety is the anticipatory apprehension of an event that brings uncertainty or imagined unpleasantness. Fear is what you feel during a battle, anxiety is the anticipation of the battle the night before. Anxiety alerts us to the fact that trouble may lie ahead.

Anxiety can be grounded in adverse experience and it can lead to anticipatory anxiety. You might develop a fear of the fear.

In today's discourse there is a lot talk about anxiety as a dis-ease. The underlying assumption is that anxiety is bad for you, you shouldn't feel it and might have to medicate against it. While anxiety is often experienced as highly unpleasant, it can serve a helpful function. It tells us that we need to spring into action and it can act as a motivational system.

At other times, high levels of anxiety in response to a perceived, imagined threat can get us into an avoidant response. The avoidance in turn reinforces the idea that there really is something threatening about this situation. The more you avoid the situation, the more you are telling yourself that there really is something scary about this situation. A feedback loop is created that gets us stuck.

We talk about early attachment wounds and how they foster anxiety which then plays out in your relationships, either through an excessive need to be reassured by your partner or through high levels of avoidance of emotional intimacy.

We also discuss what you might do to develop a different relationship with your anxiety.

Related episodes:
Why Anxiety Is Good For You - In Conversation With Dr Tracy Dennis-Tiwary
Anxiety and how to manage it

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships, https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

In today's episode we talk about gaslighting, a term that has become increasingly popular in current discourse.  Gaslighting is a term that derives from a 1938 play and subsequent film where a devious husband intentionally attempts to drive his wife into insanity by dimming their gas lights and then denying that the lights had been tempered with. Gaslighting describes a phenomenon where your perception is being questioned to the point of questioning your sanity. In gaslighting one person is using psychological manipulation in order to deliberately make the other person question their own thoughts, feelings, experiences or sensations. Gaslighting is an extreme form of emotional abuse.

We explore how gaslighting presents in (abusive) relationships, for example or through denial or obfuscation, and what needs to happen if you find yourself being gaslighted.

Related podcasts:
How to deal with a toxic partner? - Breaking away from narcissistic abuse
Why it is so hard to leave an abusive relationship

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships, https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

In today's episode Tom and Angela discuss some of their top indicators that your relationship might be in trouble. We talk about lack of time together, poor communication, constant arguments, restraints in the relationship, a lack of commitment, abusive patterns, a lack of flourishing, dishonesty and constant criticism.

If you enjoy our podcast, please leave us a review. For Apple Podcast this is most easily done via your iPhone. If you have an android phone, please leave a review on Amazon, Spotify, iTunes or any  other platform that you are using.

Suggestions for a podcast? We'd love to hear from you. Please email us at [email protected]

The Relationship Maze courses:
What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Send us Fan Mail

In episode 111 we have the pleasure of talking to Marc Sholes, who shares his wisdom with us when it comes to making the best partner choice for you. Marc explains attachment styles and why you should 'privilege character over chemistry'.

Marc is a highly experienced New York City psychotherapist and psychoanalyst with 35+ years of experience helping people get healthy, tidy up their world, and straighten out their lives. In this episode Marc talks about the following:

-What is an attachment style and why is it the biggest hindrance to people attaining their goals and finding happiness?

- How to change your attachment style so you can stop pairing up with the wrong romantic partners, stop wasting time and emotional energy on toxic relationships, and get busy living the life you should be living.

- Why are you attracted to your opposite 

- Uncovering your more authentic self so that you may regain authorship over your life

Marc is also the author of the popular book 'Reset Your Romantic GPS: Why You Steer Toward the Wrong Partners and How to Change for the Better', which explains the idea of attachment style, a psychological force we develop in early childhood, and how it influences every emotional choice and decision we make.

The book has sold thousands of copies internationally.

Marc's areas of expertise include couples therapy, marital challenges, anxiety, depression, employment difficulties, sexual dysfunction, and eating disorders.

He is also a board member, faculty, and supervisor at the National Institute for the Psychotherapies, a leading training institute for psychotherapists, and a former associate editor of Psychoanalytic Perspectives: A Journal of Integration and Innovation.

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships, https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

The Relationship Maze courses:
What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
Tom's website
Angela's website

Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.

Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.