Crying is a physical reaction to the emotion stored inside of us. As men we're told not to cry. Crying as weakness. And it causes so many problems. We can be strong and be sad and cry all at the same time.

I record myself as I walk. Sometimes people hear me.

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Addiction is such a powerful experience. It feels so good. There is no part of it that feels wrong. At first. I went down the Benzo rabbit hole in my 30s. I loved those pills. I didn't feel high. I felt nothing which is all I wanted. I didn't want to feel anything and these little gifts from god solved everything. At first. Then my body started to breakdown. My panic attacks became near constant and my body buzzed like I was being electrocuted. My then wife helped me navigate getting off them because no doctor would even admit they were the source of my issues. What I realized after it was all over was the addiction wasn't me chasing a feeling. It was chasing the numbness.

I record myself as I walk. Sometimes people hear me.

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"Loving Kindness" - The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron

I record myself as I walk. Sometimes people hear me.

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Change. It seems like a good thing. If I change something, I’ll be better. If I can just learn from my mistakes, I’ll be better. But change is weird. The goal should not be to change ourselves. The goal should be to accept ourselves. The only thing that ever actually changes is our point of view, our opinions. What does it tell us about changes? The change we need is not about ourselves, but in our point of view.

I record myself as I walk. Sometimes people hear me.

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All ghosts love each other. I started working on this concept in 2018. I came up with the idea when I noticed that the only romantic partners I was connecting with was through trauma. We were trauma bonding (although at the time I didn’t know that term).

When two ghosts haunt a house they can sometimes fall in love. They’ve gone unseen for so long that when someone finally notices them they might mistake it for intimacy and love. It’s not the worst thing in the world. But it doesn’t lay a good foundation for a relationship.

It took me years to figure out who was a ghost and who wasn’t because there’s another type of person. The Shaman. These are people that can cross a boundary and return. Unlike a ghost, they are never stuck. 

Unless they forget who they are.

I record myself as I walk. Sometimes people hear me.

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Spinning out. We all have moments where we get so overwhelmed that we lose our ability for rational thought. I think some of us do it more than others but there’s always something that sends us down a rabbit hole. The most important thing I’ve learned in the last six years that I can weather a lot of storms. Not all of them, but most of them. I haven’t failed yet. But I see how I spend so much energy on trying to protect myself from what might happen. That energy is best spent in the moment. Being present. That is the way to live a life.

I record myself as I walk. Sometimes people hear me.

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Guilt and shame. These two terms are often confused with each other. I know I didn’t understand the difference for years. Guilt is the belief you did something wrong, shame is the belief you are the thing that is wrong.

For me, I always default to shame. It’s something I struggle with a lot. I think a lot of us do. It’s important to know that we are never the thing that is wrong. It’s our actions that define us, not our being.

I record myself as I walk. Sometimes people hear me.

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Years ago I worked on a job in Mexico and I fell in love with a woman. We got married and created a life together. Along the way I found I not only loved her, I loved her country as well.

That marriage ended earlier this year. I have to figure out what my relationship is to Mexico. What’s left for me? Twenty years of visiting a place that I have no real connection to anymore but I still feel in my bones. Mexico became a part of me.

I now start the journey of re-creating a relationship with a place I cannot live without.

I record myself as I walk. Sometimes people hear me.

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Like attracts like. It's ironic that sometimes the thing we hate is the thing we invited in. What I found over the years of trying to right my ship was that I usually caused the issue I was struggling with. If we are in a bad space, generally speaking, we will only have access to people on our same level. It's up to us to make the changes so we can meet different energy.

I record myself as I walk. Sometimes people hear me.

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Trust is a hard one for me. I grew up in a love insecure environment and that set me off on a path of a lifetime struggle to figure out how to let people in. My love life has always been a mess. I think my marriage is the only bright and shining moment... so far. But every other relationship I’ve ever had has been fraught with insecurity and doubt and protectionism. I always see walls.

In this episode, I talk about some very hard things for me. These are my scars. These are the things I went through. I’m exposing them now with the hopes that somebody might hear it and know that they’re not alone.

I record myself as I walk. Sometimes people hear me.

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