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The Topical
The Topical episodes
- Investigation Reveals Coronavirus Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accidents
An alarming investigation reveals the coronavirus may have been claiming victims in the United States even earlier than previously thought. Hear how Covid-19 has been covering its tracks by cutting people’s brake lines as far back as January.
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8 min - Democrats Praise Joe Biden For Being Only Candidate Able To Talk Down To Americans Like The Stupid, Slack-Jawed Dumdums They Really Are
He’s the man Democrats have chosen to take on Trump in November, but just what was Joe Biden’s secret to winning the nomination? Hear how the former vice president was able to unite party support by treating voters like a bunch of know-nothing shit-for-brains.
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9 min - New Windex Formula Promises To Kill Twice As Many Birds
The popular glass cleaner has a new formula out, and thanks to the inclusion of bait and bird seed, it may be Windex’s most efficient bird killer to date. Hear just how many long-beaked sons of bitches we were able to take out with the stuff.
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8 min - Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January
Did the White House act soon enough? That’s the question being asked today after this report revealed the Trump administration may have been ignoring tell-tale apocalyptic signs since the beginning of the year.
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8 min - Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot
Like, a lot a lot. We’ve got the latest on the complex contact tracing that has lead scientist to conclude Covid-19 may have started with this bat who was fucking anything it could find.
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7 min - Health Officials Warn Mysterious Voice Calling For People To Come Out And Play In Middle Of Night Could Be Coronavirus
Social distancing restrictions may be loosening around the country, but health officials are warning we may not be completely out of the woods yet. We’ve got everything you need to know about that ethereal voice outside your window humming in the moonlight.
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8 min - Study Finds It Statistically Impossible That Your Mom The Best Mom In The World
Of the thousands of mothers observed across the country, researchers found that even though you may think she’s the best in the whole wide world, your mom is actually far, far from it, and most likely at or below average at best.
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9 min - Quiet City Streets Allow Neighborhood Residents To Hear The Natural Sounds Of Couples’ Blow-Out Fights
With the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it’s easy to forget they’re there. But, as the coronavirus pandemic brings society to a screeching halt, the beautiful sounds of the natural world have begun to reemerge.
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8 min - Boston Market CEO Forgoes Annual 2-Million-Gallon Gravy Bonus To Help Pay Unemployed Workers
In an incredible showing of generosity, Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced that he will be forgoing his annual bonus of warm, thick gravy in an effort to help support the company’s furloughed workers. Hear how Boston Market employees are thanking their heroic CEO.
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8 min - Best At-Home Workouts To Do When Your Head Is Stuck In The Banister
Being caught in the stairs is no excuse to forgo your daily cardio! We’ll walk you through a great workout you can do at home that will take your mind off the fact that your head’s been stuck between two wooden rails for the last three hours and you might die that way.
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9 min
About The Topical
From the publisher's feed
The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely…
scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.
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