The Ugly Duckling Diary

This podcast was originally recorded in 2015, and is part 1 of 2.

Being a parent is never an easy thing to do, and co-parenting after a divorce is even harder. But co-parenting with a toxic person? It is probably impossible... Still, there are ways in which you can make the best of an extremely difficult situation.

Aubrey Cole and Stephen, who we first met in their podcast about toxic romance, share their experiences. They highlight some of the challenges co-parenting with a toxic ex and give hand-holds on how to meet these challenges.

 When we are addressing triggers and trying to heal from traumatic experiences, we need to change the stories we tell ourselves. Have you ever had an extremely emotional response to something that turned out to be pretty trivial? Well, looking back at that moment, you can probably reconstruct the story you told yourself. They often go something like this:

Better not forget my bag on the bus 

Yeah, you're going to forget that bag, and it's going to cause problems 

You can't be trusted even to bring along your husband's things

See, you're a failure at EVERYTHING 

You are worthless!

Or at least, that's how my brain would respond to such a thing happening. Of course, you won't forget the bag... but it's a rabbit hole.

So, how do you stop that story of doom from running through your mind every time something unexpected happens? That's what today's podcast is about.

Mags explains how you can change the stories that are triggered and create lasting change.

Main Take-Aways:

In the PTSD module in The Healing Academy, I share strategies Aubrey taught me for coping with my triggers. She based those strategies on the work she did in The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, a resource she still recommend to anyone dealing with PTSD and other high-stress situations.

Here are five life-changing lessons Aubrey got from this book, and my (Mags) reaction and viewpoints on those.

If you want to read along with Aubrey's writing, you can find it here:  https://swanwaters.com/aubrey-learned-managing-triggers/ 

In this podcast Aubrey and Mags (under her previous screen name Monkey) talk about everything from what it is, to how it can manifest.

Links to Resources:

Do you want to learn more about PTSD, how it can affect you and how you can cope with triggers and flashbacks? Check out the PTSD module in The SwanWaters Healing Academy: https://swanwaters.com/your-brain-on-ptsd/

Note: This audio was recorded as a Facebook Live, and it's not the best I've ever recorded. However, I felt the message was worth sharing. 

When leaving abuse, we undoubtedly leave a whole life behind. We have to redefine so much of who we are and how we do things. It can be overwhelming. In today's episode I talk about how you can take charge of your transformation and healing.

Main Take-Aways

* Becoming self-aware helps us better manage our emotions

* Taking charge of the things you control, will take away some of the fear and annoyance about the things you can't.

* The more we feel we are responsive, rather than reactive, in our life, the more resilient we feel and the more positive choices we can make

However hard you try, however much you prepare and try to control your circumstances, even under the best of circumstances, your life is not going to be perfect. 

Main Take Away:

* Just because things are not the way you'd dreamed, or wished, or imagined, doesn’t mean they are not enjoyable, and memorable.

* Instead of focusing on the imperfection, focus on the unexpected fun that the solution created. Or how the mistake highlighted something great about your life.

In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags discusses the way that we can be our own worst enemies (and that we need to be more compassionate toward ourselves in our healing journey).

In this episode of The Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags talks about making the escape from abuse. Learn how to make the transition from victim of abuse to survivor and overcomer.   

Main Take-Aways

Resources mentioned:

In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags talks with fellow SwanWaters team member Aubrey Cole about her experience of living in an abusive relationship for 25 years, how she left, and what she has done to help other survivors since. 

Main Take-Aways

• When you enter into an abusive relationship, it doesn't begin as obviously abusive. It generally begins as a subtle crossing of boundaries that eventually lead to more extreme abuse

• Gaslighting (causing someone to doubt their own perception) makes a person easier to trick and control

• Monopolizing someone's perception (when an abuser insists you see things the way you do) is a form of emotional abuse that makes the target feel they aren't entitled to their own opinions

• Leaving a domestic abuse generally situation requires you to set up an exit strategy before trying to leave because it can take up to 7 attempts to leave

Resources mentioned:

• Bodies in the Basement

• Preparing Your Escape from Abuse

• The Beach, My Soul, and My Shame

• Listening to Shame | Brené Brown

In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags talks about how easy it is to fall into focusing all your energy on the person who abused you. While it's totally natural, it's not going to serve you in the long-run. Know that it IS possible to build a life where they're no longer the center of your thoughts.

• You're allowed to be angry. But then it's important to move on to the next step

• When you're in an abusive situation, the reality is that everything is about them. Your normal was that nothing was ever about you 

• In your healing process, it's important to gently say to yourself, "That was then and this is now. It's about me now." 

• After leaving abuse (and because it's about you now), you can focus on learning new skills about boundaries, self-care, and improving your self-talk  

Listen to more episodes of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast here:  https://swanwaters.com/category/podcast/pshpodcast/