Originally Recorded 1/7/22

Tony talks about the connection between Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) and Narcissism. He refers to the website Highly Sensitive Person (http://hsperson.com), and he discusses an excellent article, “Do Highly Sensitive People Attract Narcissists?” By Andre Solo from https://highlysensitiverefuge.com/highly-sensitive-people-attract-narcissists/

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=v95myQ

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[00:00:08] Hey, everybody, welcome to episode 18 of Waking Up to Narcissism. I'm your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist host of the Virtual Couch podcast, and let's get right to today's show. Today is one that I already can tell you is going to go on a lot of different directions because I have so many tabs open. I have so many emails open in front of me. I had a direction that I was anticipating going and then as I was going to find a couple of emails to read at the beginning of the show because I get more feedback around people shared experiences that I wanted to maybe start every show with, with an email that I received. And then as I started reading the one of the emails, I thought, Oh my gosh, I need to talk about this and I need to talk about this. So, so buckle up and enjoy the ride. Let's start with this email, and I'm going to change a little bit of the information so that it is not not identifying of sorts, but I have to tell you, if I read an email, it is most likely I've gotten several that are of a similar nature. This one says I don't usually do this, which, by the way, I'm so honored when people write for the first time, I get a lot of those. They said, I don't usually do this, but they felt like they had to send a message and personally, thank me for helping them feel validated and known.

[00:01:17] They said that they grew up in a home with a narcissistic parent. They had dealt with narcissistic companions. They had served a service mission for their church, for their faith, and they had recently moved out of family members home where the family member and their spouse both displayed narcissistic tendencies. And I love the fact that this person is using that phrase also correctly, those narcissistic traits, those narcissistic tendencies and not meaning to go in a different direction halfway through the first email. But I want to tell you, I hope you can feel the significance of it was several episodes back where I really tried to make sense of the narcissistic personality. Disorder is a pretty small group of individuals, but that we all have these narcissistic traits and tendencies because they really are just showing up emotionally immature until we learn that that's what we're doing. And then we seek some help. We learn how to differentiate, we learn how to find ourselves our voice. And there's there does need to be a lot of acceptance and a lot...

Originally Recorded 12/31/21

Tony reads some listener emails and answers questions around narcissism and the correlation with emotional immaturity. He also addresses why more men exhibit narcissistic traits and tendencies and he dips a toe in the water and then dives all the way in with how to communicate with a narcissist using his "4 Pillars of a Connected Conversation."

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=v95myQ

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[00:00:08] Hey, everybody, welcome to

[00:00:09] Episode 17 of Waking Up to narcissism, I'm your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family

[00:00:14] Therapist and host of the Virtual Couch

[00:00:16] Podcast. So if you haven't checked out that podcast, please go, go find it and check that out. A lot of good feedback from last week's bonus episode on Christmas

[00:00:24] Eve, where I shared a virtual couch episode. Whose life are you living or if you want to? Why does everybody else know more about my own life

[00:00:30] Than I do? And if you haven't checked that one out, that was last week on waking

[00:00:34] Up the narcissism. I want to start today. I've got three or four emails that I think will lead into a really good episode that I want to answer some questions, and I wanted to start by just reading a couple of reviews. And I want you to know I've not been someone who reads reviews

[00:00:49] On

[00:00:49] My other podcast, The Virtual Couch. I love reviews. I think I've mentioned earlier in

[00:00:55] The on this Waking Up The Narcissism podcast

[00:00:57] How much I really appreciate the reviews,

[00:01:00] Especially with this topic, because I feel

[00:01:01] Like if you even go start looking at the reviews or the stars, the ratings

[00:01:05] That it's a little bit funny. It's a little bit like narcissistic tendencies or traits where it's definitely

[00:01:10] All or nothing, or black or white kind of thinking. People are saying things like, and I've got some of the reviews pulled up here where right on the nose, great info. I feel heard. I can't recommend this enough. Or then it's the delivery is withering. Can we get to the info faster and those sort of things?

[00:01:25] I thought it would

[00:01:26] Be a fun place to start, so of course I would love reviews and ratings. Wherever you listen to your podcast, that's a little bit of the lifeblood in the podcasting world.

[00:01:33] But I also am not one who is going to put on a contest.

[00:01:36] Go leave me a review

[00:01:37] And then you

[00:01:38] Might win a shirt or something like that because I know there are ways to bolster those reviews or ratings. But here's what I think is

[00:01:44] Really fascinating, especially because of the content that we're talking about. So one of one of the anonymous reviews said Good

[00:01:50] Content,

ORIGINALLY RECORDED ON 12/24/21

In this special bonus episode, Tony shares the importance of giving yourself grace when you find yourself all caught up in your thoughts and feelings. Then Tony shares an episode from The Virtual Couch that will help you begin to set the table for the changes that are about to occur in your life as you continue to wake up to the narcissistic relationships in your life, or even if you're beginning to understand your own narcissistic traits and tendencies. Tony also referenced episode 300 of the Virtual Couch, where his good friend Neal Hooper, host of The Happiness Playbook, joined him to talk about goal setting. Listen to episode 300 of the Virtual Couch here https://www.tonyoverbay.com/the-only-goal-setting-episode-youll-ever-need-with-neal-hooper-host-of-the-happiness-playbook/

From the Virtual Couch show notes for this episode...If you want to know what you need to do with your life, ask somebody close to you. Chances are they'll immediately have an opinion. But when they do share what they think YOU need to do with YOUR life, why do you immediately think of doing the opposite? Better yet, why can they come up with an answer and direction for YOUR life easier than YOU can...because it's YOUR life!

Tony starts with Fowler's Stages of Faith, applying them to life in general, touches the bases on attachment, values, and then slides into home in a made-up land where you can be your value-based, unique, one-of-a-kind version of you...the land tentatively called "Differentiation-ville!"

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[00:00:08] Episode 16 of

[00:00:10] The Waking Up the Narcissism podcast, I. Host Tony Overby, I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and host of the Virtual Couch podcast. And on that note, I just released episode three hundred of the virtual couch earlier this week. And if you aren't someone who already listens, I do highly recommend to go give that episode a try. I had a good friend of mine on his name is Neil. Hooper, and Neil also happens to host a podcast called The Happiness Playbook. And for those of you who are coming here and finding that you're waking up to the narcissism of someone in your life, or if you're finding yourself beginning to wake up to perhaps even some of your own narcissistic traits or tendencies, then I really do feel like both episode three hundred of the Virtual Couch and Neil's Happiness Playbook podcast in general would not be a bad thing. Neil and I talk about some pretty not trying to sound dramatic, but pretty new theories on goal setting, and it's a it's a long but exciting story. But as you are heading into the new year or as you're beginning to realize that you may have possibly possibly been losing your sense of self or sense of purpose, then I think it would be great for you to have the very best the very latest tools available for starting down this whole path of change. So go check out episode three hundred of the virtual couch, as well as Neil's happiness playbook.

[00:01:23] And speaking of the virtual couch. And as today, this morning, this morning, as a matter of fact, it is Christmas Eve and I am running a bonus episode. And let me just explain I'm running one of my personal favorites from the virtual couch and and let me step back and made. Admittedly, I can't go back and listen to myself talk, which is kind of funny, but I don't know. I do know that this episode, which is titled Why am I the last person to know what to do with my life, came at a time that I felt like epiphanies were just springing up left and right in my practice and kind of learning a lot of new things about relationships and and personal growth and that sort of thing. And so I did I felt just compelled to record this episode when I did, and it has. It's resonated with a lot of people and I hear about it in sessions. Often I still get emails about it,

ORIGINALLY RECORDED ON 12/17/21

For many people trying to break free from unhealthy narcissistic relationships, a "no contact" policy is recommended. Tony discusses the challenges of going "no contact", as well as what healthy vs unhealthy reasons, look like for adopting a no-contact policy. Tony refers to the article "Narcissists and the No Contact Rule" from https://psychologia.co/narcissist-no-contact/

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=v95myQ

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[00:00:08] Hey, everybody, welcome to episode 15 of Waking Up to narcissism, I'm your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and host of the Virtual Couch podcast. And if you are not subscribed, please go find the virtual couch wherever you listen to podcasts. And I would love to have you as a part of that audience as well and continue to send me examples, examples of what you are waking up to, whether it is waking up to the narcissistic traits and tendencies of somebody in your life, whether it is a spouse or an adult child, a parent, employer, anybody, because every bit of feedback that I'm getting is going to help me create content that will just help get the message out there to to help others not feel crazy. And if you are also one who is starting to wake up to your own narcissistic traits or tendencies, and I am getting more and more of those emails, they're incredible. They are, and I know that takes a lot of courage, a lot of strength as well. And please, I would love to hear your examples as well because I am getting more and more of those. And as I shared in one of the previous episodes, that that is that's the duality of the title of waking up. The narcissism is I love talking about my own, waking up to my own narcissistic traits and tendencies as I really do feel as I share.

[00:01:22] Often there's a small percentage of people that are truly that diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder, but the concept of narcissistic traits and tendencies it does. It comes from our childhood. It comes from our insecurities, it comes from our weather. We were modeled the right way to take ownership of things. Or just how do we show up? Do we show up emotionally mature in adulthood? Because quite frankly, unless we are working on it or you have some awareness that you are going to maybe not even be aware of the way that narcissistic traits and tendencies look in relationships, sometimes I feel like one of the simplest things that is so powerful is being able to say my bad or I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that, yeah, I did do that or I wasn't aware of that's how you felt or how I was treating you. And that is just such a scary concept for so many of us. The concept of child childhood, the concept of gaslighting gaslighting is a childhood defense mechanism is so powerful when you realize that as kids,

ORIGINALLY RECORDED ON 12/10/21

In today’s episode shares the poem “Welcome to Holland” in the context of accepting, and mourning, the relationships that many people realize they won’t have with the narcissist in their lives, be it their spouse, parent, adult child, boss, etc. Then Tony covers the topic of what is OK to share with others who may not yet have woken up to the narcissistic traits or tendencies of others, but who may be suffering from the various forms of narcissistic abuse? Tony shared “Welcome to Holland” a poem by Emily Pearl Kingsley https://www.emilyperlkingsley.com/welcome-to-holland and “Switzerland Friends” from Kiersten Parson’s article “Switzerland, mutual friends who don’t take a stand” https://www.kierstenparsons.com/blog/switzerland-mutual-friends-who-dont-take-a-stand

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=v95myQ

----------------------------------------------------------TRANSCRIPT--------------------------------------

[00:00:10] Hey, everybody, welcome to episode 14. Waking up the narcissism, I'm your host. Tony Overbay licensed marriage and family therapist, certified, Mindful Habit coach and host of the Virtual Couch

[00:00:19] Podcast, and

[00:00:20] I am grateful that you were here today. We're going to get

[00:00:23] To a little bit of email. There's a couple of questions

[00:00:26] That I want to answer from email. They're going to

[00:00:27] Make up the bulk of today's episode, but let me take you on my train of thought. As I like to say

[00:00:32] There, we're going to talk today about different ways to interact with people that are starting to understand narcissism. Or maybe you're the one that's starting to wake up to the narcissism in your life. Again, whether it's the narcissistic

[00:00:43] Traits and tendencies of

[00:00:45] A spouse or of a in-law or of an adult child or of a person that you work with, whatever that looks like that as you start to open up to that, there does

[00:00:55] Become a almost this

[00:00:57] Need or desire to want to share that information with all of those around you. But it's pretty important to recognize

[00:01:03] That as clichéd as this can sound,

[00:01:05] Everybody is kind of in their own space as far as it is being aware of what the narcissistic traits

[00:01:12] Or tendencies look

[00:01:12] Like, or

[00:01:14] They may be affecting people differently. So the way

[00:01:17] That you show up or the things that you can do can greatly affect the way that people are going to want to hear you or maybe even want to know more or or even the way that they're going to start to view the person

[00:01:29] That you believe is is

[00:01:32] Having these narcissistic traits

[00:01:33] And tendencies. And so

[00:01:35] There's a phrase there that's called Switzerland friends,

[00:01:38] And the concept is that when

[00:01:40] You are being

[00:01:42] Emotionally abused,

ORIGINALLY RECORDED ON 12/3/21

Tony turns to his online group and asks for examples of what gift-giving looks like in a narcissistic relationship. He also tackles an email from someone waking up to their own narcissistic traits and tendencies. 

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=v95myQ

------------------------------------------TRANSCRIPT------------------------------------------------

[00:00:06] Hey, everybody, welcome to episode 13

[00:00:09] Of Waking Up the Narcissism, I'm your host, Tony

[00:00:10] Overby. I'm a licensed

[00:00:12] Marriage and family therapist. A certified mine will have a coach, writer, speaker, husband, father for creator of the Path Back, which is an online pornography recovery program.

[00:00:21] I don't think I talk much about that on this podcast,

[00:00:23] But if you are interested in learning healthier coping mechanisms, if you are someone who turns to pornography

[00:00:31] As a coping mechanism, maybe you don't feel it's

[00:00:33] Connected in your relationship or as a parent or in your faith or your career or your health. Then go to Pathbackrecovery.com and you'll find a short book that describes

[00:00:42] Common mistakes that people make when trying

[00:00:43] To put pornography behind them.

[00:00:45] That was just so what I say on the Virtual Couch podcast, so

[00:00:48] I just I rolled right into that,

[00:00:50] But I want to get to today's episode, and I'm going

[00:00:52] To do a fair amount of

[00:00:53] Reading today. So let me pull up a Google document and let's begin. This starts out with an email that I received, and this isn't the normal type of email that I get. So bear with me. The email

[00:01:05] Starts with Dear Dr.

[00:01:06] Overbay and they say, I'm kidding. I know you're not a doctor. See, does that show you that I've binged on episodes

[00:01:12] Of your very good coach

[00:01:13] Podcast? And I

[00:01:14] Just have to stop right here and

[00:01:15] Say this, this guy got me. He's funny and he gets it, and I want to get to today's topic.

[00:01:21] So bad. There are so many things that we're going to cover today, but

[00:01:23] I feel like this email is just so good and you'll see why in a minute.

[00:01:25] But long story short, I have talked on my virtual couch

[00:01:29] Podcast about one of my own clients

[00:01:31] Years ago saw me wearing a virtual couch jacket. Actually, I'm literally wearing a virtual couch jacket now,

[00:01:37] If you end up finding this on my YouTube channel at some point. And I

[00:01:41] Had just started

[00:01:41] Getting merchandise and they saw the logo and they said, Oh, it's really neat, and you could see that they were kind of squinting. And this person said, I've told

[00:01:49] A lot of my friends about your

[00:01:51] Podcast, and then they

[00:01:51] Squinted to read the writing under the

ORIGINALLY RECORDED 11/26/21

Self-care is NOT selfish; it's time to raise your Emotional Baseline! Tony talks about his number one rule of life and how imperative it is when you need to make big decisions or find yourself in a relationship with someone with narcissistic traits or tendencies, whether it's a spouse, parent, employer, or church leader. Tony refers to the book "Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom" https://www.amazon.com/Buddhas-Brain-Practical-Neuroscience-Happiness/dp/1572246952/

And you can find out more about Tony's new parenting course in the Relationship Mastery Pack https://www.epicmarriageclub.com/a/2147499720/h3Cn8yaE Get thousands of dollars in relationship tools for one special Black Friday price featuring Tony's brand new parenting course: 3 Keys to Positive Parenting - Bring the Positivity without Messing Up Your Kids Even if You're Not Sure Where to Start! Go to https://www.epicmarriageclub.com/a/2147499720/h3Cn8yaE to sign up for thousands of dollars worth of relationship tools for less than the cost of one therapy session.

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[00:00:13] Everybody, welcome to episode

[00:00:14] 12 of Waking Up the Narcissism, I'm your host, Tony Overbay at the licensed marriage and family therapist and host of another podcast called The Virtual Couch and Welcome Aboard and Happy Black Friday here in America. I thought I would come in and just do

[00:00:28] A little bit of recording. This will probably be a shorter episode, but I still thought there

[00:00:32] Were some really interesting things that we could talk about, and I'm going to talk a little bit more

[00:00:36] About self-care today. That is one

[00:00:38] Of the very first things that I talk about in learning how to stay present with someone with narcissistic tendencies or a personality disorder is the concept of raising one's emotional baseline. So I have gotten a fair amount of emails saying What is the emotional baseline? And is that where can I learn more and you can learn more right here. I do have some episodes on the virtual couch that talk about the emotional baseline, but I'm going to cover all that and a little bit more today. We're going to also talk about some mindfulness and how that can keep somebody present and how that works in with the brain. And I think that'll be helpful. So we'll try to get in here and get out pretty quickly today so you can go about your holiday weekend. But I thought that this could be a little bit more of a I don't know. We'll call it an upbeat episode to

[00:01:20] Just help give you some tools, give you

[00:01:22] Some hope of ways that now that you're waking up to this narcissism, whether it's in your relationship or the relationships around you, or even if it's within yourself, that you know what to do as far as raising your emotional baseline, because that really will put you in a better place to take on whatever you are dealing with in your life. And before I do that, today is again, it's Black Friday. There are a tremendous amount of sales that I'm sure that you're hearing about, and I did participate in something that just launched this morning and I mentioned a little bit last week. It's called the Relationship Mastery Pack, and you can go to the show notes here and you can find a link or you can go on the virtual couch on Instagram at Virtual Couch or Tony Overbay, licensed marriage and family therapist on Facebook. And you'll find a link there and it. I'm unveiling a new parenting course and it's called three. I should know this right?

[00:02:13] It is a parenting course called three keys to positive parenting.

[00:02:16] There's a little bit of a subheading and this is a little bit tongue in cheek, but it

[00:02:20] Is a three keys to positive parenting. How to bring

[00:02:23] Positivity without messing up your kids ev...

Recently, Tony had a couple of clients return to his couch after a several-year gap. One client asked Tony if he could sum up everything that the client had missed during his time away from therapy? Another client asked the simple question of why are relationships so complicated? Tony shares several concepts that answer both questions, what has he added to his therapist-tools over the last few years and why relationships are so challenging, and what can one do to improve themselves so that they show up more emotionally mature in their relationships? 

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

------------------------------------------------------TRANSCRIPT-------------------------------------------

[00:00:13] No. Come on. Take a seat.

[00:00:22] Hey, everybody, welcome to episode three hundred and nine of the virtual couch, I am your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, a certified mindful habit coach, writer, speaker, husband, father of four ultra marathon runner and creator of the Path Back, a pornography recovery program that is helping people reclaim their lives from turning to unhealthy

[00:00:39] Coping mechanisms like pornography. But the same can be said

[00:00:41] For anything, whether it's video games, whether it's food, whether it's your phone, whenever we really don't feel like we are connected or being our authentic self, or if we don't feel like we're in alignment with our values. How easy is it to just turn to some coping mechanism? There are so many coping

[00:00:57] Mechanisms, as I have

[00:00:57] Noticed lately, whether it is turning to my phone for games or my

[00:01:01] Goodness, I just watched a tremendous amount of Tik Tok this morning and that was the last thing that I wanted to do, and I got to own that. I got to take responsibility of that. But as soon as I noticed that I was doing that, I would love to say that. Then I noticed it. I forgave myself and I got right back to the present moment.

[00:01:16] But no, I

[00:01:17] Told myself I'd give myself another three or four minutes, and I don't even know how many minutes. That's a lie. It was another ten minutes,

[00:01:22] But here I am, and we're going to record this podcast. And I had a couple of people over the last, probably two to three weeks who I haven't seen in a while and their former clients that

[00:01:32] Still have access to my scheduling

[00:01:34] Portal. And they've come in to see me. And it's been so great to see some of these people. But it's been a long time. And as a therapist, you really do evolve and you're continually

[00:01:44] Just on a day to day basis.

[00:01:45] You're in the lab, you're having people come in. And if I even just look at the last couple of years as I've learned more about the concepts of differentiation or external validation becoming interdependent versus codependent, or all these other buzzwords that I

Tony dives into the research of why we need connection with others from Sue Johnson's book "Hold Me Tight." And he then shares his Rules Of Constructive Kommunication (ROCK). These 6 rules are designed to help couples move past unproductive conversations around “hot topics” that typically lead to frustration, fighting, and turning away from each other. If you often find yourself avoiding certain topics or situations with your partner, like finances, intimacy, and parenting, because the conversations never go well, you need to follow Tony’s ROCK. These rules will help you cultivate an attitude of empathy for your partner and lead to the world of productive communication.

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

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[00:00:00] So today I want to talk about attachment, why we need attachment to other people. And I'm going to be quoting the book Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. Hold Me Tight seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love and let me take you back to the seventeen hundreds of all places to start. Clues to Love's true purpose, according to Sue Johnson, have been circulating for a long time and we're talking back in seventeen sixty. There was a Spanish bishop writing to his superiors in Rome, and he noted that children in what he called foundling homes, though they were sheltered and they were fed that they regularly died from sadness. So fast forward to the nineteen thirties and the nineteen forties in the halls of American hospitals. Orphaned children deprived only of touch in emotional contact were dying in droves. Psychiatrists also began identifying children who were physically healthy but who seemed indifferent or calloused or unable to relate to others. And David Levy, reporting his observations in a nineteen thirty seven article in the American Journal of Psychiatry, attributed such youngsters behavior to what he called emotional starvation. Now, nineteen Forties American analyst Rene Spitz coined the term failure to thrive for children separated from their parents and caught in this debilitating grief. And Sue Johnson goes on to talk about that.

[00:01:15] It remained there for John Bowlby, and he was a British psychiatrist and it was his job. Then he felt like to figure out exactly what was going on. And she says, Let me be honest, as a psychologist and a human being, she said, if I had to give an award for the single best set of ideas anybody ever had. Sue Johnson says she would give it to John Bowlby, hands down over Freud or anybody else in the business of understanding people because she said he grabbed the threads of observations and reports and wove them into this coherent and masterful theory of attachment. So today we're going to get into a little bit of what that theory of attachment is. We're going to touch a little bit on the history. We're going to go a little bit more into Bowlb...

Is tragedy necessary for growth? Tony shares his personal experience of trying to navigate the complex emotions around a car crash involving his daughter Alexa and how difficult it can be to access tools of healing when you are the one impacted by the tragedy. Tony references the article "The Ethics of Tragedy," by Susi Ferrarello Ph.D. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lying-the-philosophers-couch/201706/the-ethics-tragedy and "Finding Purpose in the Face of Tragedy and Adversity," by Ralph Lewis M.D. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-purpose/201811/finding-purpose-in-the-face-tragedy-and-adversity

With the continuing "sheltering" rules spreading across the country, PLEASE do not think you can't continue or begin therapy now. http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch can put you quickly in touch with licensed mental health professionals who can meet through text, email, or videoconference often as soon as 24-48 hours. And if you use the link http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch, you will receive 10% off your first month of services. Please make your mental health a priority, http://betterhelp.com/virtualcouch offers affordable counseling, and they even have sliding scale options if your budget is tight.

You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit http://tonyoverbay.com and sign up to receive updates on upcoming programs and podcasts.

Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ

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[00:00:00] Hey, everybody, welcome to the virtual couch, I'm your host, Tony Overbay, and today I think I will actually be laying down on the couch and you will be my therapist. I'm not even quite sure where to start with today's episode, but I guess I can start with what I know best, which is my own experience.

[00:00:16] Saturday this last Saturday, just a few days ago, my wife, Wendy and I were out car

[00:00:20] Shopping, and that is a long story in and of itself. We had just left the dealership so incredibly frustrated for every reason that you can probably think of. That has to do with trying to buy a car, especially in the current market. But we move over to another dealership and a salesman is just starting in and I'm noticing that I'm starting to go flat. My affect is starting to go flat when I get a phone call from my son in law. Mitch and Mitch is an amazing person. We we are growing closer and closer. He and I text we have family group texts, but he doesn't normally call, so I immediately take it, and I will never forget the feeling that immediately welled up inside of me as he shared that our oldest daughter, Alex, his wife, had been in a very serious car accident, and I was terrified that the next words were going to be that she she had made it. And even talking about this right now causes my heart rate to elevate and tears to, well, up in my eyes. And he went on to say that someone had run a red light and had hit her, and she had been rushed to an emergency room somewhere. I believe outside of Phenix, Arizona, we're in Northern California, and my wife, Wendy could tell at that point that something was wrong and we headed outside and I tell her that Alex has been in a car wreck.

[00:01:27] She's alive, but it sounds like she's in pretty bad shape. And initially we hear that she has a collapsed, punctured lung, bruised kidney, lacerated spleen, which we still are not quite sure what a spleen is, but it may need to be removed. And her pelvis has several breaks and there's going to be a lot of work done. And Wendy and I immediately just start driving home and we both start sobbing. And I've never felt so helpless about anything in...