The Wellness Compass Podcast

Mental Health Awareness Month

May is Mental Health Awareness month. Because we are both mental health professionals who co-direct a foundation that creates materials to support mental health, we often get invited to offer programs this month. Usually, these gatherings are for organizations that want to acknowledge and promote the importance of mental health, either for their employees or the people they serve.

We talk about many things in our presentations, including normalizing mental health challenges, seeking professional help, and understanding the enormous toll the pandemic has taken on almost everyone's mental health.

There is one exercise we led a week ago during one of our presentations that we would like to share with you now. We introduce this exercise by saying that one of the most critical points of Mental Health Awareness Month is to remind each of us to be more proactive and pay greater attention to and care for our own mental health.

For this exercise, we invite the participants to create two lists of activities or habits with us. The first list is activities or habits that deplete or diminish their mental health, and the second is a list of activities that enhance their mental health. The group co-creates the lists right then during the presentation.

Topping the first list of things that diminish their mental health are usually things like: not getting enough sleep, too much time on social media and/or screens, complaining too much, drinking too much, binge-watching TV, any kind of numbing behavior, working too many hours, and spending too much time with negative people.

Topping the second list, things that enhance mental health usually are things like: spending time outside, time with pets, time with friends and family, meditation/mindfulness/prayer, good sleep habits, eating well, movement/exercise, yoga, journaling, knitting, reading spiritually uplifting material, asking for help when needed, and playing or listening to music.

The final step of the exercise is crucial. After the lists are created, we ask the participants, "By a show of hands, how many of you wish you spent less time doing the things on the first list?" Usually, about 90% of their hands go up. And when we ask how may wish they spent more time on the second list, not surprisingly, the response is the same.

The point of the exercise is that each of us usually knows what enhances and what depletes our mental health. So the problem is not knowing what to do, but being more aware of the need to prioritize our need to regularly cultivate and grow our mental health.

In many of our Wellness Compass resources and programs, we have a saying, "Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow." To honor Mental Health Awareness month, let's all be more aware of the importance of paying attention to and growing our mental health. Making It Personal:

1. How comfortable are you talking about mental health, either your own, or listening to others talk about theirs? 2. What would be on your personal list of things that either diminish or enhance your mental health? 3. What's one thing from your "positive list" that you could do today or in the next few days to prioritize your mental health?

Family of Origin, Family of Creation

As we prepare to celebrate Mother's Day, it seems like a good time to reflect on the two concepts of family of origin, and family of creation, topics that we talk about a great deal with people in our work as marriage and family therapists.

Our family of origin is the constellation of relationships in which we were raised. One way to think about it is that it is the school of life that we were enrolled in for the first eighteen years or so of our lives. We learned many life lessons in that school. Our teachers did their best to teach us what they knew.

When we work with clients, we hear the full range of reactions to what people experienced in their family of origin. Some want to take and repeat most things they experienced in that family. Others feel differently and commit to patterning their adult lives in ways that are not at all similar to how they were raised.

The concept of family of creation, on the other hand, is used to describe the web of relational bonds we form as adults. Children have little agency to change the patterns of the relational bonds in which they are raised. Adults, however, have much greater freedom to co-create the relational patterns in their lives. The relational bonds we form as adults are constantly evolving. And one of the gifts of growing older is that we can both nurture and deepen the relationships we currently have and embrace the many opportunities that emerge to form a continually expanding network of new relational bonds.

Research and experience teach us that we will tend to repeat the relational patterns we learned in childhood unless we make a conscious and intentional effort to change them. For example, suppose you or I were raised in an environment where conflict was never openly discussed, or was often denied or swept under the rug. In that case, we are likely to repeat that pattern in our adult relationships unless we make a conscious effort not to do so.

Last week we wrote about curiosity, and so it is in that spirit we invite you to take some time to reflect on the lessons you learned in your family of origin, and this week in particular, from the formative women in your life. Take a moment to celebrate the best of what you experienced and that you carry with you into your present life. Also, please take a moment to observe how you have added to those lessons, or perhaps even let some of them go as you have chosen to do things quite differently from how you were raised.

And finally, be sure to take a moment to remember and appreciate the women who have been your teachers in this school we call life.

Making It Personal:

1. What are some of the most valuable lessons you learned in your family of origin that continue to inform who you are today?

2. What ways have you evolved that are different from what you experienced in your family of origin?

3. What opportunities are being presented to you right now to change or create new patterns in the relationships in your life?

Be an Encourager

With the weather turning warmer, we got our bikes out of the garage this week to go for a ride. We were so excited to get going that it wasn't until we were a few blocks from home that we realized that our tires needed air. We returned home, pumped up the tires, and wow, what a difference it made both in comfort and ease of effort.

Because we are both family therapists and we think about stuff like this, when we returned from our ride, we joked about how our experience with pumping up our tires was a metaphor for the power of encouraging one another. Any of us can use a little air in our tires, a little extra encouragement from time to time, to make our travels a bit less bumpy. Just as over a long winter, the air slowly leaks out of bike tires, life itself can slowly deflate our self-esteem and sense of well-being. When this happens, expressions of encouragement can go a long way in pumping up our emotional "tires."

Be an encourager. The first three words in the quote in the box above by Dave Willis are so simple that it would be easy to miss their power. Offering encouraging words to your child, partner, friend, colleague, family member, or even a stranger, is so simple, and we can often see the positive effect immediately. It's that easy and that powerful.

The word "courage" derives from the same root as the Latin word for heart, "cor,' and in Old French, the word "corage." The prefix "en" means "to cause to be in," or "to put in" and so together we can see that to encourage another person means to put heart into that person. Think of that the next time you text someone a heart emoji, a beautiful and simple expression of love and encouragement. Think of it also the next time you give a bit of your heart to someone who is in need of your support.

Your encouragement might be just the air they need in their tires to make their ride just a little smoother and easier right now.

Making It Personal.

1. Is there someone in your life who could use some encouragement right now? Think of something specific you could do or say.
2. How could you be more accepting and encouraging of yourself? Again, think of something specific.

Hope Amidst the Mud

We live in Wisconsin, and like other places with northern climates, we have five seasons each year. Our fifth occurs between winter and spring and is known as the "mud season." If we need an image of the name for this extra season, we need only look at our mud-caked hiking shoes inside our back door, removed and left there to dry after a walk in the woods this past weekend. Or we can look out the window and observe the thirty-degree swings in temperature that often occur day-to-day, never knowing if we will see rain, snow, or sunshine.

There is a muddiness in the broader world right now that is so much more profound than anything related to the weather. The unspeakable violence and suffering we are witnessing in Ukraine and closer to home can create enormous swings of emotions in us day to day, or even hour to hour.

As mental health professionals, we know from our experience and our research that the presence of hope within a person has a profound effect on their resilience in the midst of such challenging times and on their overall well-being. And so, right now, the question, really the challenge we hear from many people we talk with, is about how a person goes about nurturing and sustaining hope amidst so much suffering.

We believe that hope is like a muscle, it is not something that we either have or don't have, but instead, it is something that can be exercised and strengthened. In our Wellness Compass Model for Well-being, we address eight areas of wellness, and one of those areas is spirituality.

Hope is often grounded and nurtured in our spirituality. Many people, but certainly not all, express their spirituality through a particular religious faith. In that light, it is worth noting that three of the world's great religions are celebrating holy days amidst the suffering and challenges facing our world right now. Ramadan, Passover, and Easter are all being observed across the globe.

None of these religions minimize the reality of suffering. Each of these faiths acknowledges the presence of profound suffering, and yet it is in the midst of it that they each proclaim hope. So, for example, we read the words of the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

Mud season is real. Suffering happens in the world and our lives, as we are reminded all too often. Hope, though, doesn't just happen; instead, it needs to be developed, practiced, and sustained, even when it is hard. In our twenty-minute podcast that is a companion to this column, we talk about some practices that nurture hope. (See the link below to listen to the podcast ).

Sometimes hope springs forth all at once, symbolized by an unexpected sunny seventy-five-degree day in Wisconsin in April. More often than not, it appears as a small glimpse of a new crocus or daffodil just beginning to peek its head up through the soil on a cold and rainy day. In both cases, the hope is there, yet sometimes, we have to look closely to see it, given all the mud surrounding it.

Making It Personal: What helps you sustain hope in the midst of challenging and uncertain times? What role does your spirituality play in grounding hope for you? Is there anything specific you want to do right now to nourish your spirit and sense of hope?

We invite you to bring to mind a person who creates positive and life-giving energy for you. This could be a person from your present life or your past; a friend, a family member, a classmate, or a colleague. The person might be living or may have passed away. Bring that person to mind and pause for a moment to experience what it feels like to remember that person.

Today we are focusing on the concept of an "emotional wake." One way to understand this concept is to realize that what you were feeling just a moment ago when you remembered the person who has had a positive effect on you is that you were experiencing the emotional wake they have created in your life.

A boat traveling across the water leaves a wake as it leaves a trail of stirred-up water behind it. Similarly, we all leave an emotional wake as we interact with others, stirring up emotions in those around us. Those emotions can be positive, neutral, or negative. It is important to be aware of and take responsibility for the emotional wake we radiate out to others.

This subject got us thinking back to a time when we were out enjoying an afternoon in our canoe, and a ski boat came close to us at a high rate of speed. The wake created by the boat was annoying enough, but what was probably even more upsetting to us was that the boater seemed to be oblivious to the wake they were making and that their action had almost tipped us over. This experience reminded us that the emotional wakes we create can also impact others without our even being aware.

On the twenty-minute podcast that is a companion to this column (click the link below to listen), we talk about what we have learned from our experience to help ensure that we create a positive emotional wake in our interactions with others. In summary, we mention being aware of others' feelings, being a good listener who is encouraging and kind, being fully present (putting away distractions), being appreciative of others, and having a positive, hopeful attitude. And as we say on the podcast, no one person has these qualities all the time, but creating a positive emotional wake involves being aware of the impact we are having on those around us and being intentional about the energy we put out into the world.

Making It Personal (prompts to enhance your personal and relational well-being).

1. When you think of someone who has left a positive emotional wake in your life, what can you learn from what they did to create that feeling?

2. In general, what kind of overall emotional wake do you think you are creating most of the time?

3. Based on your answer to #2, is there anything you want to do differently going forward?

Life is a dance of letting go and holding on, a lesson I (Holly) learned again recently when my "second mom," Judy or Mom, passed away peacefully at the age of 91. I call her my second mom because my creation mom passed away from cancer when I was eight, and Judy came into my life a year later when she married my dad. After all these years, I have come to realize that no matter how many times, and ways, we have done the dance of letting go and holding on, it is always difficult. Yet, at the same time, there is an opportunity for us to learn much in the midst of such difficulty.

Mom taught me a great deal about how to let go with grace. She accepted her gradual diminishment over the last year of her life without complaining. She didn't hide her suffering but was always sure to frame it in a larger context, as she continuously reminded all who visited just how much she was grateful for in all the ups and downs that she had experienced in her long life.

Holding on may seem like the opposite of letting go, and it is often. But there are also times when letting go and holding on are happening simultaneously, which our family experienced with Mom's passing. As she accepted that she was dying and let go of her final beloved possessions and any measures to prolong her life, she also held fast to her faith, her family, and her cherished memories and many, many fascinating stories.

And as we now let her go, we at the same time hold on to every memory and story she shared with us over so many years.

The pandemic has given us plenty of opportunities and challenges to practice letting go. Some of us have lost loved ones to COVID. We all have had to let go of something, be it a person, job, routine, plan, or something else. Sometimes we have chosen to let go; other times, we have been given no choice but to do so. And at the same time, many of us have found ourselves clarifying and holding on more strongly to what matters most to us.

As we write this, winter is gradually letting go of its grip here in Wisconsin, where we live. This helps us to remember that to everything, there is a season…a season to let go and a season to hold on…and sometimes, a season to do both.

Making It Personal:

1. Do you find yourself having to let go of something right now?
2. Do you find yourself wanting to or choosing to let go of something right now?
3. In the midst of things you are letting go of, what do you find yourself needing and wanting to hold on to more firmly?

The quote above dreams of a time when we finally come to recognize that the power of love is greater than the love of power. With the horror of what's going on in Ukraine right now, this reality may seem far off. And yet, to paraphrase Martin Luther King, we still believe that the arc of the moral universe may be long, but it bends toward love, justice, and peace.

Many of us are privileged to have never experienced the devastating violence of war, yet are impacted by it nevertheless. And so, in such times, we turn to the wisdom of spiritual leaders, those whose faith has been tested by the trials of war and violence, for solace and hope. Two such spiritual leaders passed away this past year, who lived through violent times in their own countries, Thich Nhat Hanh and Desmond Tutu. When these two spiritual teachers spoke of the power of love being greater than the love of power, we listened. We invite you too, to hear what they have to say.

"Our maturity will be judged by how well we are able to agree to disagree and yet continue to love one another, to care for one another, and cherish one another and seek the greater good of the other." Desmond Tutu

"Human beings are not our enemy. Our enemy is not the other person. Our enemy is the violence, ignorance, and injustice in us and in the other person. When we are armed with compassion and understanding, we fight not against other people, but against the tendency to invade, to dominate, and to exploit."

Thich Nhat Hanh.

The two of us are marriage and family therapists. While we can't speak with any authority about world affairs, we can speak from our decades of experience as teachers and therapists about what contributes to conflict and peace. When it comes to our personal and interpersonal wellness, the power of love is truly more potent than the love of power. Never is the love of power better than the power of love, be it in the intimacy of our homes and families, in our relationships at school or work, in our communities, our countries, and the world. Love and respect are the foundations of peace and well-being.

The universal reaction of horror to what is happening in Ukraine speaks of our knowing without question that the love of power is morally wrong. Our hope is that our outrage and sorrow can be a reminder for each of us to do our part in our corners of the universe, to be people who live by the power of love and not the love of power.

Making It Personal:

1. What speaks to you in the quote from Desmond Tutu and Thich Nhat Hanh?
2. What helps you choose the power of love rather than the love of power?
3. What concretely can you do this week to show those around you that you believe in the power of love?