The Wellness Compass Podcast

Lessons Learned From Walking a Corn Maze

Have you ever been so stubbornly sure that you were right that you had difficulty changing your mind, even when you gained new information and it was clear that you were mistaken? Even when the rest of the people in your group gave you feedback that you were off track?

This was my (Scott's) experience as I walked a corn maze with part of my extended family this past week. If you are not so fortunate as to live in a part of the country with corn mazes, you can learn more about them by visiting the Treinen Farm corn maze website that we walked this week in Lodi, Wisconsin (www.treinenfarm.com).

The maze was set up so that we started with just one of the eight sections of the map of the 600 x 400 yard maze. To get each additional section, we had to locate a mailbox within the maze on the map portion we had just received. I was sure I knew the way to the first mailbox and promptly got our group lost, even while insisting that I was right. Finally, there was no more denying our being off track, and I relinquished my role as navigator to those who clearly had a better sense of direction.

Being able to recognize when we are on the wrong path is often the prerequisite to discovering the right direction forward. It sounds simple in concept, but can be difficult in practice. Whether in a corn maze, or an argument we are having with a person we love, our need to be right can sometimes hurt ourselves and others. Fortunately, I could laugh at myself and create a space for all of us to take turns figuring out what was an incredibly challenging puzzle.

That leads to the second lesson we learned. Trust the wisdom in the group and let everyone's voice be heard. Just as there were many pieces to the overall maze map, we often each hold a piece of wisdom that, when joined with others, creates a much fuller and healthy perspective.

A third lesson we learned is the importance of pausing and listening. Before entering the corn maze, we were told that when you feel like you have lost your bearings, stop and listen to where the road noise is coming from, as that will tell you which direction is south. We benefited from that advice several times.

Our Wellness Compass Model of Well-Being has eight wellness areas, one of which is spirituality. Spirituality helps us find or re-find our bearings when we are feeling off track. Spiritual practices like journaling, mindfulness, prayer, or time in nature help us to calm and re-center ourselves.

The final lesson we learned, also a spiritual lesson, is to focus on enjoying the journey and not just on the destination. At this point, I can't even remember if we actually found all the pieces of the maze that we were so set on finding when we began. But I most definitely remember how much fun we had and how much laughter we shared. We have been sharing fun memories of our time in the maze with our grandkids all week, and none of those memories have to do with what we accomplished.

Who amongst hasn't been sure we knew where we were heading, only to find out that we were completely wrong? We all get lost from time to time and need to pause, check our bearings, and adjust our courses. Admitting when we are off track, asking for help when we need it, and keeping a sense of humor in the process, will go a long way in helping us enjoy this journey we are all on together.

OF PERMANENCE AND CHANGE

Fall has arrived in all its glory in the upper midwest. In addition to the stunning colors of the changing leaves, there are many reasons to love this season, including apple picking, corn mazes, playoff baseball, carving pumpkins, baking pies, and wearing your favorite sweater.

One additional reason we love fall is that it is a time when we find ourselves turning inward, reflecting on the changing nature of life in general. The poet Bonaro Overstreet captures this part of fall when he describes this time of year as "a symphony of permanence and change." Life is indeed an ongoing song of permanence and change, and taking time to honor both realities is essential.

It's not just the trees transitioning here in the northern hemisphere as the geese and other wildlife prepare for the coming winter months, as well. The geese and other animals move great distances, making an external, literal transition of place. Trees and many other animals stay in place and create an internal transition, shifting their energy from external growth and creation to various expressions of internal protecting and stewarding.

We can all benefit from doing a similar kind of internal protecting and stewarding in the fall as we let go of what has been. Maybe a relationship, a job, or a dream for ourselves or others is changing. Perhaps it's time for us to let go of a grudge or expectation. No matter what is shifting for us, it will likely be an emotional undertaking, being hard, uncomfortable, and yet in some instances, even freeing.

A symphony of permanence and change, and the leaves remind us that it is possible to find beauty in both.

Making It Personal Questions:

1. Is there a significant change in your life that you are experiencing right now? If so, how are you experiencing this change? Excited? Sad? Angry? Worried? Are you comfortable experiencing and expressing the full range of your emotions?
2. In this season of permanence and change, what remains constant for you? What do you hold on to? Is it your spirituality? Your values? Your core sense of who you are?

Mindset Matters

Carol Dweck, a research psychologist at Stanford University, is well known for her work on exploring the differences between fixed and growth mindsets. Our column and podcast from last week focused on the power of the word yet, which was a simple way to understand the more complex concepts that this psychologist writes about.

"I can't constructively express my feelings when I am upset," is an example of a fixed mindset.

"I haven't learned how to express my feelings constructively yet" is an example of a growth mindset.

Here are a few other examples. These are some of the ones we often hear as therapists. Each pair of statements are an example of the two mindsets.

"I don't know how to say 'no' to my children."

"I am learning how to set clearer boundaries with my children."

"We don't talk about conflict in our relationship."

"We have been taking risks to address conflict when it comes up. It's quite awkward at this point, but we are learning."

"I am not an exerciser. Never have been and never will be."

"I have recently committed to walking three times a week, and while I wouldn't say it's a habit yet, but I'm curious about what the benefits might be for me."

"My friend practices meditation and mindfulness to help her with her stress. I would never do something like that."

"My friend practices meditation and mindfulness to help her with her stress. I'm going to talk to her and learn how it's helpful for her. Maybe I'll even try it myself."

"I think that people that disagree with me politically are usually ignorant and uninformed."

"I have some friends and family members who disagree with me politically, and I want to find a way to talk with them so that we can genuinely be curious and listen to each other. Maybe if we are respectful, we might even learn from or about why we think what we think."

"That's just the way I am. You are not going to change me now." (Usually said in response to some kind of criticism, such as being late, or impulsive, or drinking too much, or being unable to apologize.)

"While I know I _______(fill in the blank), I am working to be more open to changing and learning to be different because I see it hurts you and me."

We are not born with our mindsets. We form them in response to many influences over time. Often our mindsets are unconscious, and we are unaware that they powerfully influence our thoughts, words, and actions. As therapists, though, we often see that behind unhealthy habits and behaviors are unhealthy and fixed mindsets. This is why it is good to be able to examine our perspectives and honestly reflect on whether they are enhancing or limiting our well-being, and our relationships those we know and love.

Mindsets can be healthy and life-giving too. Core values such as honesty, kindness, love, and generosity ground our thoughts and actions in life-giving ways. It's only when we have a mindset that is hurting us, or others, that we want to be open to working to move that mindset from being fixed to adopting new ways of thinking that promote growth and change.

Making It Personal Questions:

1. Can you think of a time in the past when you, and/or a relationship in your life, benefited from you changing what had previously been a fixed mindset?
2. Do you feel a nudge to reflect on a mindset right now that might be limiting your well-being?
3. If you answered yes to number 2, what steps might you take right now to move to more of a growth mindset?

The Power of Yet

Sometimes a small, three-letter word can make all the difference. To understand what we mean, note the difference between these two sentences.

"I am discouraged because I don't know how to figure this out."

"I am discouraged because I don't know how to figure this out yet."

The only difference is the word "yet." Adding this critical word opens up possibility and hope. The first sentence states a fact, a statement that seems to be the end of the story, rather than the mid-point of a story that is still being written.

The this in the two sentences will be different for each of us. Here are the ones we typically hear in our work as marriage and family therapists and as wellness coaches.

"I feel a distance in my relationship with my friend/spouse/child/parent/sibling/colleague and don't know what to do to change this."

"I don't know how to change my unhealthy drinking patterns."

"I am burned out in my work, and I can't figure out a way to make a change."

"My grief is overwhelming, and I have no idea how to create the next chapter in my life."

"My child is now in middle school and I have no idea how to connect with them at this stage."

Reread each of these sentences now and add the word yet to the end. Adding this small, but powerful word helps people move, in the words of author and researcher Carol Dweck, from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset.

Each challenge mentioned above is significant, and is not quickly resolved by simply adding the word yet. And yet (so to speak!), without that vital word, we will lack the mindset needed to keep trying until we figure things out, as well as being open to asking for help from others.

Are you stuck right now in a loop of thinking that a particular concern in your life cannot change? The first step to getting unstuck might be to shift to a "yet mindset," one that creates an opening for growth and change. And while you are at it, you might consider who you might reach out to help you with this shift.

Shifting your perspective on a challenge you are facing and reaching out to others for support can be difficult. Perhaps, though, this has been hard for you to do. Or, in the spirit of today's column, …..it may be simply something you haven't been able to do ……yet!

In this episode, Holly and Scott Stoner talk about how as marriage and family therapists and wellness coaches, the changes they often help people may seem quite ordinary, but in the end they often turn out to make an extraordinary difference.

Recently we were made aware of some wise advice from author William Martin shared for parents. Martin reminds us to celebrate the ordinary moments of life, for in so doing, we also realize that it is in those everyday moments that the extraordinary becomes known. His words are helpful not only for parents, but for all of us, so we would like to share them with you in this week's column.

Here is what Martin writes:

"Do not ask your children

to strive for extraordinary lives.

Such striving may seem admirable,

but it is the way of foolishness.

Help them instead to find the wonder

and the marvel of an ordinary life.

Show them the joy of tasting

tomatoes, apples and pears.

Show them how to cry

when pets and people die.

Show them the infinite pleasure

in the touch of a hand.

And make the ordinary come alive for them.

The extraordinary will take care of itself."

These words remind us of a quote from Mother Teresa. When Mother Teresa was doing her work of caring for lepers in India, she often had volunteers from around the world that would come and help. When it was time for the volunteers to return home, they would ask her, "How can we do something when we get home that is as extraordinary as what you are doing here?" Her response was simple and direct, "Not all of us can do great things, but we all can do small things with great love."

The small, ordinary things we do every day as parents, friends, partners, spouses, colleagues, and neighbors, especially when done with attentiveness and love, are what make life extraordinary.

Replacing Judgment with Curiosity

We love hearing from our readers (and listeners of our podcast), so we were delighted to hear from many of you this week. Last week we wrote about the importance of listening to our inner teacher, and several readers wrote back sharing a similar challenge. They wrote about how when they pause long enough to listen to what their inner teacher might be saying to them, they end up hearing the loud and negative voice of their inner critic instead.

A good teacher, coach, or leader certainly, at times, needs to offer critique. The key is to provide it in a way that is growth-producing and not in a way that is shaming and diminishes a person's confidence. The same is true with our inner critic. For example, if I agree to do a favor for a friend and then drop the ball and let my friend down, it's healthy for me to critique myself and learn from what happened, but not to shame myself and forget about all of the times I have been there for them.

Curiosity is key to learning and growth. So in the example above, I can shift from criticism to becoming curious about why I didn't follow through on my promise to my friend. By doing this, I might realize that I am busy and overwhelmed with too many tasks, or that I often say "yes" when I can't or don't want to, or I might have some other important insight. Burying myself in criticism will not help me learn or change.

When we shift our criticism to curiosity, it becomes an opportunity for our inner teacher to instruct us. This is good advice for relating to others as well. If we tweak the example above and imagine a scenario where a friend doesn't follow through on something they committed to doing and lets us down., we can see that this wisdom also applies. We may at first feel angry and critical of our friend and want to distance ourselves from them. If we can work to shift to curiosity, though, we might wonder, "That's not like them to drop the ball. I wonder what else might be happening in their life that caused this." Such a thought may lead us to reach out and check in with our friend, which might strengthen our friendship.

Making it Personal Questions

1. Is there some way in which you are being too critical of yourself or someone else right now?
2. How might curiosity help you begin to shift to a place where you can learn, instead of judge?
3. What could you start to do this week to help you make that happen?

Welcome back to the second season of our Wellness Compass Column and Podcast. We follow the school year schedule, and so this is the first column of our second season. We look forward to connecting with you weekly throughout the school year after taking the summer off. We are renewed and are excited to be back together with you, as we all seek to navigate our lives and our relationships with greater awareness and intention.

When we started our non-profit Wellness Compass Initiative fourteen years ago, our team never dreamed it would become what it is today. Tens of thousands of people all around the world now use our resources. We are honored to know and support so many people who care about their own wellness and about helping others with theirs.

In this season of students returning to school, we see our initiative, and all who use our resources, as one very large classroom, where we are all students and teachers seeking to learn how to live into greater wellness. While we each have many teachers from whom we can and do learn, each one of us has one special teacher that is the most important of all, and that is the inner teacher that resides in every one of us.

As therapists, when we work with individuals, couples, and families, we usually ask them in the first or second session, "What ideas do you already have about something different you want to do, or is there a change that if made would help you feel better?" When asked this question, people always have some sort of an answer, an answer that comes from listening to their inner teacher.

We have created several different self-assessment tools (adult, parent, and teen) that help people listen more closely to their lives. These self-assessments are meant to help us listen to the whispering of what our inner teacher is quietly saying to us. (If you are interested, you can find these self-assessments HERE and they are in English and Spanish).

Please feel free to invite others to join our Wellness Compass classroom as wellness is best learned and practiced in community. And most importantly, please remember to take time to listen to your (inner) teacher.

"Gardening is therapy for me" is a comment we have heard more than once this spring, not just from avid gardeners, but from people just now getting into gardening as well. Many people first discovered the joy of gardening during time spent at home during the pandemic, and most have stayed with it. One study, in fact, reports that 18 million new people started gardening during the pandemic.

We are still celebrating May as Mental Health Awareness Month, and so it is worth noting the many aspects of wellness that gardening affects. In addition to being good "therapy," it positively impacts one's physical and spiritual well-being and often positively affects relationships and stress resilience as well.

This prompted us to do an informal survey of gardeners in the last few weeks. Here is a list of several things people identified regarding what they are learning through the act of gardening and how it affects their overall well-being.

*I'm learning patience and the ability to delay gratification.

*That planning ahead is both necessary and wise.

*There are factors we can control and many we cannot.

*You literally do reap what you sow.

*Our souls are nourished by creating and growing things.

*Physical labor and time outside are good for my mental health.

*It is good to remember the true source of our food and that food does not originate in a grocery store.

*I'm being reminded of the power of planting and nurturing seeds to create future good.

*The process is as satisfying as the outcome.

*Gardens create community. (shared by a person whose church hosts a garden for their community)

*At the same time, others reported that they love their "alone" time in their garden and that it brings them peace.

* It's amazing and powerful to see what a small seed can grow into with watering and good soil!

*Gardening keeps me humble. (Did you know that the word "humble" is related to the word "humus," which means earth?)

Our informal survey reveals why interest in gardening is…..growing (we couldn't resist that one!) and how beneficial it is to our overall well-being.

Planting and tending seeds may not be the answer to all of life's problems, but applying the lessons we learn from doing so can go a long way in helping us grow our personal well-being and the well-being of our wider communities.

Making It Personal:

1. If you are a gardener, what lessons have you learned from your practice of growing things?
2. 2. Looking back over your life, can you see where a seed you planted years ago continues to bear fruit in your life today?
3. 3. Is there a seed, literal or metaphorical, that you want to plant right now in your life or your community?

*Please note that this weekly column and its weekly companion podcast will return the first Friday after Labor Day. We started this new mental health column and podcast right after Labor Day, 2021, and so this marks the end of our first "season." We will be taking the summer off to plant some new seeds for new projects and to take some time off for vacation.

We thank you for your support and feedback and, most importantly, for being on this journey of well-being together. Have a great summer and we will see you again in September.

Growth Begins At The Edge of Our Comfort Zone

Many of us know someone who is graduating this spring. Perhaps you have been invited to a party to celebrate the graduate's achievement. Graduation is a rite of passage that merits celebrating an individual's perseverance in achieving their goals. Graduation is also a transition and rite of passage for loved ones closest to the graduate as they face a new chapter in their lives.

Amidst all the joy and celebration surrounding graduation, other emotions like anxiety and loss are often easy to overlook. We know and even expect that anxiety and loss are feelings that will accompany transitions that are neither planned nor desired, such as a sudden job loss, a death of a loved one, or a health crisis. The fact is, though, that even transitions that we plan and wish for can also create great feelings of anxiety and loss. Shifts of this kind include retirement, moving, getting married, starting a new job, welcoming a new member into the family, and graduation.

Positive transitions can also be challenging because, as with all significant life changes, they involve a person leaving what for them has been a comfort zone. Any time we step out of our comfort zone, we are bound to feel a whole range of emotions, from excitement to loss. Stepping out like this is the only way that growth can happen, and so that's why graduates and others desiring to grow are willing to take that step.

While we celebrate graduations in this month of May, we also continue to remember that it is Mental Health Awareness month. One way to bring these two together is to be intentional about supporting our graduates' mental health by anticipating, accepting, and normalizing the full range of emotions they and those closest to them may be experiencing.

An essential part of mental health awareness is helping people be more comfortable with the full range of feelings and emotions they are experiencing. A simple way to express the importance of being comfortable with emotions that we typically find unpleasant is the idea to "name it, claim it, frame it, and tame it." When we help graduates understand that, as with all meaningful life transitions, both pleasant and challenging emotions are a normal part of the experience, we provide them with a more expansive and helpful frame within which to name, claim, and tame the full range of emotions they are experiencing.

So to any graduates that may read this column, we celebrate you! Take time to honor your achievements and also take time to honor the full range of feelings you (and your loved ones) may be having as you step into the next stage of growth in your life.

Making It Personal:

Do you know a graduate that you can celebrate and support as they transition to the next stage of their lives? Are you currently in the midst of stepping out of a comfort zone in your life? If so, how can you best support your mental health and well-being through this time of transition?

**We also want to let you know that we will be taking a break this summer after next week's column and podcast. This will give us some time for vacation and the needed bandwidth to focus on a few other projects that need our attention. We will resume our weekly column and podcast right after Labor Day.