The Young Gaffers | An irreverent look at The Beautiful Game

Wherein Our Heroes pay respects to late Barcelona and Ajax legend, modern philosopher, proponent of Total Football, ‘Haircut of The Century’ holder, Polydor recording artist, and third footballer to have an asteroid named after him - Johan Cruyff. When not trolling Yaya and Balotelli, Cabinteely F.C. attempt to vanquish Glastonbury headliners, Muse, in an upcoming friendly. Canada struggles against Mexico in front of a record crowd, England come back to beat Germany in Berlin, and two Aston Villa players take an ill-timed holiday. Also, Raheem Sterling can’t find any takers for his Franken-mansion.

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Wherein Our Heroes get stoked on the Canada men’s national soccer team roster, praise Gigi Buffon for over 15 hours without conceding a goal, and reminisce about mid-90’s UK soft rock. Derby matches abound as Rashford continues his torrid pace, a Newcastle fan botches the hug of his life, and Vancouver takes the first Cascadia match of the season. Also, Jurgen panders, Shuttleworth’s mane stops penalties for New England, and we are not having Mix Diskerud as the most overrated player in MLS.

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Wherein Our Heroes break bread over Newcastle’s act of faith with Benitez, Canada’s Algarve Cup win, and the talismanic difference at Leicester. Hazard’s shirt swap draws ire as two of England’s most high-and-mighty go crashing out of the FA Cup. Will Arsene Wenger be made to don sackcloth and ashes for Arsenal’s recent run of form? Canada’s MLS matches are reviewed and Haircut of The Week is resurrected with a celebration of Dom Dwyer’s locks (Jason gives the devil his ‘do’). Also, nowhere in creation could we have predicted the result in The Battle of Texas.

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Wherein Our Heroes are joined by MLS wizard and Calgarian-by-way-of-DC, Adrian. We make public our predictions on many MLS-related topics. We prognosticate DC United and LA Galaxy will not make the playoffs, Toronto’s backline will be much improved, Orlando City SC will fare better than their inaugural season, and the league should expand to Miami - pronto. Will Larin, Villa, or Giovinco (or none of the above) win The Golden Boot this season? Will FC Dallas capture The Supporters’ Shield? All this and more, in an MLS preview that’s as good going down as our Last Best beer!

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Wherein Our Heroes offer twice the righteousness in several cases: Steven Gerrard gets a biopic and joins the Telegraph, Caballero and Rashford garner fanfare for their coifs (or lack thereof), and Neapolitan robbers and El Hadji Diouf etch their names in the annals of unsavoury eternity. Van Gaal takes a dive as Manchester United beat Arsenal, Wenger makes excuses, and the Capital One Cup Final is an electrifying affair. Also, why are so many goalkeepers both American and bald?

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Wherein Our Heroes rev up their engines and award a rare Joey Barton treble, Manuel Pellegrini fields a bunch of debutantes, and Chelsea shoves it into overdrive. Also, the Canadian women qualify for Rio 2016, Herculez Gomez thinks MLS clubs are like ‘metal under tension’ against Liga MX in the CONCACAF Champions League, and Maverick requests a fly-by.

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Wherein Our Heroes claim their place as 50 percent more influential than all other podcasts for the next thousand years. Columbus deals with mean tweets after unveiling their new kit, Massimo Cellino enters the annals of Joey Barton glory, and we are both havin’ recent goings-on with two Canadian MLS clubs. Also, Spurs and Arsenal score decisive victories and the two Manchester clubs fall further off the pace. Hah!

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Wherein Our Heroes drop science on y’all, the Chinese Super League rings in the “Year of the Monkey” with a bang, the Jermaine Pennant and Jamie Vardy biopics gain traction, and John McGrane rrrolls up the rim on the Canadian Premier Soccer League. Also, we toast Marcel De Jong’s man bun, Canada and the USA get friendly and experimental, and Liverpool supporters stage a walk out amidst an exciting weekend in the Premier League.

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Wherein Our Heroes gorge on Russian Pelmeni in the company of contest-winner and all-around great guy, Lev. Adebayor and Pato are among several notable transfers discussed, we are sort of havin’ public funding for new stadia, and we debate the impact of potential transfer bans at Real and Atlético Madrid. Also, in case we are ever called upon, we pledge national allegiances. Na zdoróvye!

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Wherein Our Heroes review the Canadian National Team rosters ahead of February’s big fixtures, Jordan Morris chooses Starbucks over Beck’s, and Football Leaks walks the line between transparency and “blackmail” (according to Doyen). Costa rankles Arsenal, Norwich and Liverpool forget how to defend, and Aguero sets a milestone. Also, our Joey Barton winner is pure Gold.

Send us your questions or comments via e-mail to [email protected], @younggaffers on Twitter, and www.facebook.com/theyounggaffers

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