The old man is as excited as I’ve seen him since the members of Elm Pork Golf Club voted to name the lateral water hazard on the 12th hole “the Chorles River”. It’s, like, Friday night – the night before Ireland play Romania in the opening match of the Rugby World Cup – and I’m sitting in The Connemora in Bordeaux, listening to him phone pretty much everyone he’s ever known in his entire life to tell them his so-called news. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘There’s no caps for your so-called matches against Mexico and, I don’t know, Guava Larva. I made the entire thing up’

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Comedy

The old man steps into the kitchen with a Montecristo the size of a rolled-up yoga mat burning between his fat fingers. Sorcha storts coughing – her passive-aggressive way of telling him that we don’t allow smoking in this house – but he just ignores her, like he did when she tried to introduce a similar rule about shoes. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Honor is only running for Mount Anville head girl to downgrade her old dear’s greatest life achievement

How quickly the years go by. That’s what I’m thinking as I’m taking the right turn at Donnybrook Bus Depot. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘There’s a video of me doing the rounds on this famous Tick Tocks dot com’

I had my nightmare again last night, the one where I have a one-night stand with Taylor Swift and then I ghost the girl and she ends up writing 15 or 16 songs about me and they’re on the radio constantly. And – yeah, no – I woke up screaming. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!’

Sorcha is upset. I totally get that? But I haven’t seen her over-react like this since I ate a tin of macadamias from the hotel mini-bor on a weekend city break in Ljubljana. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’

Réaltín smiles. Which might well be a first for her. Yeah, no, we’re in Baldoyle of all places, playing Thor Frimann and Lisa Murray – the reigning champions – in the semi-finals of the mixed doubles at the Leinster Padel Championships. It’s, like, one set apiece and we’re winning 5-4 in the third. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘There’s no caps for your so-called matches against Mexico and, I don’t know, Guava Larva. I made the entire thing up’

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