theTimeVault

Wrists of the Tearer, Knuckles of the Strangler, Thumbs of the Puncher, Index Finger of the Presser - these are just a few of the ideas that were discarded in favour of Hands of the Ripper; a film about whores, frauds, a wet fish and a right berk.

A Doctor, a faceless boy and an improbable martial artist do battle with a hairy woman, a blow-up corpse, robots from another show and the worst fake nose in history.

All because some old guy can't work his computer.

Actually, there were never more than 6 of them and that wasn't until episode 4 and for the last two series there were only 5 and Blake wasn't in it. Talk about false advertising.

So join our campaign to rename the show "Blake's or Whoever's 7 (Actually 6) or Lower" or we'll tranquillise you, brainwash you, frame you for an unspeakable crime and fire you off into deep space.

Two overly butch aliens called 'Dominators' hunt submissive men in skirts because they want some slaves that they can force to take part in something called a Dull Kiss (I'm quite relieved they never explain that bit).

Alright, who said subtext?

Spying, trespass, assault, incitement to riot, double kidnapping, multiple car theft, graffiti, wanton vandalism, time manipulation, possession of the living by the dead, chicken in a basket and saying it's all God's fault… the aristocracy isn't what it used to be.

I blame the parents.

The Wheel in Space goes round and round

Round and Round

Round and Round

The Wheel in Space goes round and round

All. Day. Long

(repeat continuously for 6 episodes)

Mike takes things too seriously. Paul loses his sparkle.

Seaweed; noun; ('si, wi,d)

Any of numerous multi-cellular marine algae that grow on the seashore, in salt marshes, in brackish water or submerged in the ocean.

Reacts badly to Victorian teenagers, is easily offended by the Dutch and can cause emission of gas in Human males. Can fly helicopters.

There's not much that can be said about this one without using words like 'nubile', 'heaving', 'bouncing' or 'woodsman's daughter' but I'll try.

Ingrid Pitt and Madeline Smith are……No. No, that's it, I need to go and have a cold shower.

The TARDIS crew display their ball skills in this short-awaited sequel.

The Doctor and friends arrive in the London Underground to do a spot of spring cleaning and what do they find hiding amongst the dust and cobwebs? Why it's their old friend with the pervy voice and hairy minions. Journalists, geriatrics, sexists and the Welsh; stumbling around in the dark has never been so much fun.

But it's not enough. The Doctor can't sort things out on his own, he needs a hairy beastie to fight hairy beasties……

Say hello to the man with the 'tache.