theTimeVault

The Master makes Jo eat some porridge while a brain in a box goes for a walk.

Yates discovers that his equipment is well and truly bent and forgets how to ride a bike.

Benton goes on a power trip while the Brigadier sells potatoes and an imaginary dragon argues with an American tourist over a hotel room.

The Doctor has an unnecessary cup of tea.

Mind of Evil? Mind of a Freaking Loony Writer if you ask me.

It didn't take long for the crew of the Liberator to start pairing off, just in time for a weekend break…

Avon and Cally go on a murder mystery weekend in a spaceship full of planks and struggle to solve the only (very obvious) clue. But, to be fair, it's hard to concentrate when you're being stared at by couple of angry perms while a midget with super strength keeps getting in your way.

Blake and Jenna go on a double date in the woods with Travis and his lady friend. They film themselves engaging in rough, physical action that leaves them all hot and sweaty. Much to the disappointment of the locals…

…and the entertainment of Vila and Gan who are lounging about on the sofa watching it all as it's streamed live.

Well, you asked for it.

Okay, you didn't but you've got it anyway.

A stage hypnotist and a factory worker employ a team of mime artists to run their own radio station whilst taking part in a bus tour for a group of artificial florists with abnormally large heads.

Clearly this contravenes all the laws of, erm…sense, so U.N.I.T. is called in to put a stop to it. The Doctor can't take part though because he's confused by a window and challenged some clowns to a fist fight.

Not to worry, the clumsy work experience girl has just brought the Brigadier a damp plank of wood, just what he needs to defeat the Sparkly Fingers of Death…

What do a tarantula, a herring and a butler's wife's brother have in common?

I don't know either but they all cause trouble for the World's greatest detective, Sherlock Holmes. So much trouble in fact, that he does a bunk for most of the adventure and decides to try his hand at more respectable employment. His eclectic choices of hotel management, pest control, impressionist and telescope repair man don't go well though so he decides to jack it all in and live in a swamp.

Until a mad spanish gypsy woman has a row with a horny rich toff in a field, whereupon Holmes proceeds to break up the row by fighting a dog with a bag on it's head.

Sherlock Holmes……he's a bit of a mentalist.

The Centre of the Earth. A fascinating subject, tackled by many different writers and storytellers over the ages; what wonders are to be found at the Earth's core? What dangers, treasures and enchantments are waiting to be discovered?

But as good as these stories may be, that is all they are - stories, flights of fancy. The truth is like nothing you could imagine and now, finally, Doctor Who has revealed to us that most incredible truth. The Earth's core (drum roll please) is full……of……

Snot.

Boiling. bubbling snot.

And hair. Lots of it, all over the body.

There's also a lot of burning hot magma spewing forth like the after-effects of a really hot curry.

Strangely enough no women get affected by these things, only men.

So join us as we discuss Doctor Who and the Hot 'n Hairy Snot Monsters from the Earth's Core

This one's got a man without a face. Honestly, how crap is that for a villain?

Okay, so you've only got one arm or maybe a wooden leg, or even just an eyepatch, you can still have a good chance of taking over the world or causing havoc. But I mean, come on…

He doesn't have a FACE!

He can't see where he's going, he can't ask for directions…he can't even use a mirror to draw one on.

He'll never lick stamps, or roll his tongue into a tube or say any of the truly great words like 'moist', 'spasm' or 'smock' and everyone he meets will just spend all their time making rude gestures at him in the joyous knowledge that he doesn't have a clue.

It's no life for a villain.

Although to be fair, when it comes down to the final face-off with his enemies, he's already got one hell of a head-start.

A gunfight…of DEATH!

A fist-fight…of DEATH!

A car chase…of DEATH!

Underground bunkers, astronauts, aliens, radiation…of DEATH, helicopters, more underground bunkers, explosions, a baker's van…of DEATH, false beards and some crap magic.

So as Benton hands round the Ferrero Rocher…of DEATH! (Timevault, you are really spoiling us), it can only mean one thing…

It's The Ambassadors…of DEATH!

Boinnngggggg!

The pressure's starting to get to them.

After spending the day fending off mind control, genocide, girl on girl action, little squeaky white things and an angry midget in a fish tank, the crew of the Liberator go a bit bonkers; listening to a stolen radio, catching amnesia (all of them) and stealing from an - understandably - angry motorcycle courier who seems to have lost his bike.

They're just a bunch of hooligans really.

Domestic disputes are so inconvenient aren't they?

One minute your bicycle-powered nuclear reactor is causing a power cut and keeping your next-door neighbours awake (well, the ones you haven't got tied up in the kitchen) and the next thing you know you're being investigated by the government, soldiers have cordoned off your street and your neighbours have released a virulent, communicable monkey plague into your living room.

Hasn't anyone heard of community spirit?