theTimeVault

After a rather heavy handed attempt to redecorate the lounge, the crew of the Liberator need to take five so they unanimously decide to walk into a trap involving a one eyed mountain man and some rubber rocks.

A criminally insane smarty pants spends a few minutes alone with Jenna and Cally before deciding he needs some space while Avon and an old friend play eskimos and fight over a woman.

Blake also gets into a fight over a woman, with a straggly-haired bloke who lives in a bush.

And there's a family reunion which comes dangerously close to being a Channel 4 documentary!

What strange universe is this? Where's all the black and white gone? Why didn't they take that box of chocolates with them to eat on the journey? Who are all these familiar but somehow completely and utterly different people?

A man who's clumsy, bumbling and outwitted by an 8 year old? That's not Ian.

A woman who reads science journals and doesn't get on her high horse every 5 minutes? That's not Barbara.

A grand-daughter who is brave and intelligent and doesn't scream? That's not Susan.

An old grandfather who takes part in illegal human drug testing, advocates the female slave trade, endangers a minor, incites a riot, lies to his friends and family, seems unconcerned with genocide?

That's not……oh.

Well actually, that bit is rather familiar.

It's strange what the death of a close friend or enemy does to people isn't it?

Servelan starts being honest, Travis finally stops shouting, Cally remembers that she's telepathic and Avon and Vila gatecrash the Federation Fashion Show.

Blake is hit the hardest though, he sulks a lot, leaves the longest voicemail message in history, gets adopted by a talking flea and develops a fetish for 'water sports'.

If only a fatal incurable disease could be discovered, everything could get back to normal...

Oh, that's a bit of luck.

Everyone's feeling a little out of sorts in The Time Monster; Jo fondles the Doctor's equipment then makes several attempts to kill herself, Yates sits in a ditch, Benton's being really childish and the Doctor wants to jack it all in and start an intergalactic zoo.

It's not going too well though, he's already killed the Immortal Bull and his Time Rams just don't do anything, but if he could find the legendary Giant White Time-Eating Chicken-Beast from Outer Space….

Unfortunately for him, the Master has already found it and is using it to have sex with the Queen of Atlantis!?

The Brigadier could help but he's finally been pushed over the edge. If he could stand perfectly still for just a bit longer, maybe they'll all just go away.

The Liberator crew are in desperate need of a holiday so they go to a remote planet and take it in turns to film a short corporate training video called "How Not To Survive In The Jungle" before using the fee from that to get in to an exclusive (and incredibly makeshift) portable disco, after which, they go topless.

I'm not kidding. There's greased nipple shots, jiggling breast flesh, the lot.

Then, because you CAN have too much of a good time, they go up against Travis and Servelan in a teams edition of Far Future Total Wipeout (extreme); The games are Grass Go Bang, Monkey Bar ZZZZsttt! Who's Behind The Door? and Strontium Rubble Exaggeration.

Cheaters will be severely penalised!

A bald man in a metal box living next door to an underground disco turns a hippy protester into a girly angel with anger management issues while a token ethnic workforce develops a crippling speech impediment, causing a fat man to shout at some insects. The Doctor and Jo deliver a giant Kinder Surprise.

Wanted.

Superstitious locals required for labour-intensive mining work.

You will be working amongst a team of like-minded individuals, with plenty of "encouragement" from supervisors. Fixed salary, holiday entitlement and career prospects. Uniform of dirty rags will be provided.

Successful applicants will be desperate, gullible, injured, hostile to strangers and partial to bongo drums.

Must have own corpse.

All enquiries to Man in Creepy Mask, Secret Underground Voodoo Chamber, Abandoned Tin Mine.

When you live in a castle on an island with a lot of ex-seventies male pornstars who can't afford car doors for company, a sudden desire to alleviate the boredom by getting a pet turtle doesn't seem that odd.

The fact that all the staff at the local turtle farm wear fishnets and NOTHING else is quite odd (and a bit kinky) and when the mean posh boy from your school days turns up to take all the turtles so that you can't have any, that's very odd.

Still there's only one thing you can do in this situation…challenge him to a swordfight, beat him in a speedboat race, handcuff him to a chair, make a machine that goes BLEEP, impersonate a naval officer, steal a hovercraft and watch the Clangers.

So you didn't get a turtle because some faulty wiring burned down the farm, but at least you got out of the house for a change.

Welcome to Space City, the only place to be if you're looking for fun and games!

We have classics like computer chess, custard eating contests and a highly addictive marbles tournament. There are new takes on old games like Telepathic Hide and Seek or the Giant Tiddly-Winks planet (try not to have a fist-fight with the other team).

If you prefer less rules to remember, we still have Arguing with a Box, How Many Blakes? (don't worry, there's only 3) and some good old fashioned Shouting Matches.

Or you could try one of our challenging new games; Spider Teasing, Real-time Psycho Prediction, Instant Death Spot Roulette, Canteen Creature Capture or you could see how long you'll last on (our favourite) The Smokey Singing Surrender Stairs.

If you don't come to Space City, you're a loser!

A hero who doesn't talk, a man who's always having a hunch, an extremely unhelpful execution victim, a dead dad who throws rodents at women, spontaneous amphibian revivification, rough sex, public humiliation, grave robbing, a carrier bag with a man's face in it and the strangest game of statues ever.

This is Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter…. it's madder than a hat full of frogs.