theTimeVault

RaaaaaAAAAArrrRRRrrrrr

London.

The Golden Age Retirement Home has lost some of it's residents during a day trip to the nation's capital. Normally that wouldn't be anything to worry about but when it's the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Great Grand Daddies, and they haven't taken their pills, you'd better call U.N.I.T.

The Brigadier's got his work cut out for him though; Sarah's getting spaced out watching the Discovery Channel with a French resistance fighter who can't sing while the Doctor is busy boosting cars, stealing frilly shirts from high street shops and having a quick fumble with some old bird in a broom cupboard.

Looks like Captain Yates is his only hope.

Shit.

When the love child of E.T. and Mr Potato Head falls from the sky in a giant zorb, he’s befriended by an ironmonger with a syllable deficiency who hides him in a barn and demands payment in the form of old men’s used pajamas. When the hairy poo steals them from the future, the Doctor follows him back to merrye olde englande but gets sidetracked when he’s invited to a party by Robin Hood’s gay cousin; he tries to cheer up a confused suffragette by dressing as a priest and making stink bombs while a dotty old woman does soap opera impressions at them.

Unnoticed by anyone, the alien visitor suffocates inside his own zorb before he can try out the new spray on deodorant he’s just invented....Linx

(stereotypical welsh accent)

Dear British Boyo Corporation,

Wales here. We would like to put ourselves forward as the new home of Doctor Who at some point in the 21st Century.

We feel we have all the right qualifications to be responsible for such a popular, important show....

just look at all the evidence. We’ve got class discrimination, see. We’ve got racial stereotypes, unnecessary cross-dressing, rivers of toxic sludge, maggot infestations, indecipherable local dialects, hippies with girly hair, underground death traps and a huge pile of dirt that’s covered in rubber johnnies. What more could you want?

Oh, and apparently the town of Newport even has some cutting tools (although that could just be a rumour).

Yours Hopefully

Bert

Funny Little Welshman

Soon To Die Horribly Covered In Something Green

The Doctor and Jo are redecorating the TARDIS (again!) and pay a visit to the Carpet Warehouse. Unfortunately for them the purple shag piles have taken over and invited the Daleks to appear on a number of reality tv shows.

While the Daleks are busy taking part in Dancing on Ice, I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here and Pimp My Ride, the Doctor and Jo, for one night only, are helping the Thal Historical Re-enactment Society perform their greatest moment in history as part of their Worlds Tour.

With pissing plants, a reverse parachute, a flat-pack TARDIS, a talking bowl of chocolate and an ‘everything must go’ day at the Rolykins factory thrown in.

Nothing out of the ordinary happens in this one...

Josephine Grant, this year’s winner of Earth’s Got Talent goes on a galactic tour, demonstrating her ability to perform kung-fu escapology while reciting nursery rhymes.

The Doctor inspects a lot of empty rooms, falls off a few spaceships and wears pajamas to the moon.

The Master reads a book, has a nap and vanishes in a puff of hasty editing.

And a giant orange testicle terrorises the Planet of the Apes.

You know, same old same old.

Carnivaaaaal!

Music! Dancing! Vibrant Colours! Cultural Diversity! Excitement! Sexy Costumes! Atmosphere! Wrong Carnival!

Okay, I know it says Carnival of Monsters but a blurry cyberman, wet glove puppets, hastily applied bald caps and a crate of chickens isn’t exactly Rio is it?

But I suppose if you add the worst fairground attendants in the galaxy covering themselves in balls while the Doctor punches a man in the face, Jo is chased by a giant fork and Harry Sullivan has an argument with Mosschops, then maybe......

No. It still isn’t Rio.

A greek tragedy unfolds when an invisible man falls into a hole and learns how to turn other peoples lights off by remote. He sends Mr Blobby’s less evolved cousin to apologise but that’s not enough to stop a delegation of medical professionals from jumping in the hole and throwing musical instruments at him. No one helps him though, because the Brigadier’s brain has gone to the seaside and Jo is wandering in the desert having killed a muppet, wearing it like a second skin.

Happy Anniversary!

Vila makes a fool of himself while Jenna flutters her eyelashes at two Jolly Green Giants who are fighting over which one of them inherits their dad’s tinned vegetable business. Servelan realises that she’s the left the back door to the galaxy open but someone’s nicked her motor so she has to live in a tent surrounded by goths.

Travis has invited a load of violent, conquering aliens he met down the pub to take part in a massive intergalactic Battle of Trafalgar flashmob (with himself as Lord Nelson, naturally), unfortunately, he’s spent the last few weeks creating a two-headed creature called Blavon, which picks him up and throws him down a well then tries to break up the flashmob by denying the illegal aliens immigration status.

Blake’s 7 meets Game of Thrones meets Invasion of the Bodysnatchers meets Shrek!

Beat THAT for a season finale!

The Daleks’ package holiday to London, Earth doesn’t quite live up to the brochure; the idyllic campsite where they can park their mobile home turns out to be a rubble-strewn, dilapidated factory complex in the city centre covered in Sugar Puffs (other breakfast cereals are available) and the “world’s largest open air swimming pool” is a filthy, corpse infested river!

The vibrant, thriving, multi-cultural London nightlife is actually a bitter tramp and an underage girl who hospitalise several of the off-earth tourists in a multiple hit and run during a shopping trip.

The warm, friendly locals they were promised are a bunch of homeless squatters who jump out from doors and alleyways to throw smoke bombs at them and even break into their camper van at one point to kidnap their dinner guests.

Despite this they find a nice place in the country (well it’s Bedfordshire but you can pretend) and start to build a holiday villa. Unfortunately, they’re conned by a load of cowboy builders who don’t seem to know what they’re doing and then four environmentalist campaigners turn up and incite a rather violent protest riot, setting fire to the daleks' camper van and blowing up their new holiday home.

A strong letter of protest to the travel agent is in order I think.

Poor Daleks. Maybe they’ll have better luck next year, when they go to Kembel…

An exercise video for people with nothing left to live for, hedgehog empathy, a japanese mexican version of the invisible man trying to do a welsh accent and an interactive cinema experience to die for isn't enough for this edition of TimeVault…

So we've thrown in a man having his arm pulled off (always popular), midget pawn (not as popular) and the poshest all-girl bar fight (arousing despite everything) you're ever likely to see this side of the Narn homeworld.

Welcome to Babylon's 7