theTimeVault

Home schooling takes a nasty turn when a grumpy old man locks his grand-daughter’s teachers in a box.

RADA re-enacts a pre-historic wrestling tournament while the regular actors are whipped with twigs.

And a man on a glockenspiel overdoes it and has to be threatened with burning skulls.

Classic.

Peoples of the Universe, please attend carefully. The podcast that follows is vital to the future of you all...

Either we’ve gone blind or the crew of the Liberator have turned invisible because we can’t see a thing.

It all sounds terribly exciting though; Jenna spaces out, Vila has a Hull of a time and Blake and Cally guest on Servelan’s new Federation talk show. Unfortunately for Avon, he’s been locked in the lounge while the Liberator gets ram raided.

Not surprisingly, he chooses to have a vacation and heads off for a sun, sand, sea and sex break. He lies on the beach, watches the locals get cross with other holidaymakers, has a fling with a complete stranger, picks up the ultimate souvenir and leaves a dead disco dancer in the ocean. All in all, the perfect holiday....until the Mrs turns up.

Way to kill the mood, love.

The Doctor examines ooze and Vira has to choose, so Sarah has a snooze while Harry loses shoes!

Oh dear, wirrn trouble now...

It’s par 4 on the 12th and there’s a spot of bother in one of the bunkers.

You’ve heard of Extreme Golf? Well Hitler Winters (sorry, Hilda Winters) and the Fascist Scientists have too. It’s not extreme enough for them though so they’ve decided to weaponise their favourite golf course and are prepared to eradicate any and all opposition with nuclear force just so that they can finally win the Masters.

The Brigadier and Benton are prepared to add an extra hole to the course if it’ll stop Hitler winning that trophy, but when the robot caddy goes a bit wrong and shoots an elderly electrician, the situation rapidly disintegrates. What they really need is a Doctor.

But two Doctors are fighting over which one gets to drive Bessie and which one gets to throw a bucket of goo onto MechaKongZilla, who’s just turned up and shoved a dwarf in a wig down a chimney.

I think Sarah’s gone home at this point, and who could blame her?

Donna has something on her back....

Sorry, getting 36 years ahead of ourselves there.

Sarah has something on her back, Mike finds religion and the Doctor has the longest chase in history, using (deep breath) cars, boats, bicycles, hovercrafts, whomobiles, milk floats, mobility scooters, stairs, elevators, stilts, pogo sticks, roller-skates, hang gliders, canoes, trains, tanks, swimming, shopping trolleys, rickshaws, hot air balloons, parachutes, zip wires, helicopters, elephants, those things window cleaners use to go up and down, skiing, free-running, skateboards, hoverboards, deloreans, a hospital trolley on a stairwell, ejector seats, an empty cello case, a bus that can’t go below 50, carnival floats, jet packs, surf boards, pushchairs, horses, slides, submarines, a pony and trap, motorbikes, rockets, fighter jets, bungee jumping, segways, space hoppers, lolo balls, magic carpets, an egg and spoon race, escalators, the tube, cable cars, circus cannons, an angry birds catapult.....and a tramp.

But before he can get his breath back, he dies of embarrassment when Incey Wincey Spider asks him to tap dance.

It’s one of those days…..Ommmmm

People think this story is about the miner’s strike or the class divide. It isn’t you know, it’s about the power of the mind; Queen Thalira’s willpower is astonishing...

Surrounded by dirty, greasy labourers who keep bursting in on her trying to assert themselves...nothing.

A big muscle man, responsible for her body who grunts at her all day…not a flicker.

A god shaped like a wild, hairy beast with a big horn…means nothing to her

Even the aliens are at it, an angry snake with a suggestive hat wants to show her how it’s done and a human wants to drag her off into the caves and take her home…she barely notices

She doesn’t even react to the sight of Alpha Centauri, now THAT’s willpower.

Either that or she’s incredibly naieve and the Doctor needs to sit her down and explain about the badgers and the bees.

Hmmm.....what to talk about on the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who?

Let’s see; condoms, ball fiddling, chubby villains, hundreds and thousands, Chas n Dave, Queen lyrics, pyromaniacs, mullets (the hair, not the fish), inefficient first aid, glockenspiels, dead moles, sick....

All these things are discussed in.....

The Podcast of Rassilon.

The Doctor forgets to charge his iTardis and finds himself stranded in a desert with some office workers whose team building weekend has gone all Lord of the Flies. When the Daleks arrive suffering from an epidemic of exterminatile dysfunction (HON-EST-LY, THIS HAS NE-VER HAPP-ENED BE-FOORRE), he decides to look elsewhere for a compatible charger.

While Sarah is busy roaming the desert, beating the natives to death in an attempt to find her first outfit that isn't brown, the Doctor arrives at a nearby village. Introducing himself to the locals, he joins them round a camp fire and samples their home made marijuana. The rest, as they say, is hallucinatory….

He's chased by a bit of pipe, makes friends with a rock that has glow-in-the-dark nipples who asks him to play the Crystal Maze for Dummies inside a giant lighthouse with crazy paving, it's own disco and some zombies and together they beat the Daleks, winning a meringue that screams.

While the Doctor's busy coming down from his little trip, Sarah goes to the gift shop for a souvenir and comes back with a corpse on a stick.

She's always wanted one.

In the true style of Doctor Who Minisodes, this is as transient and throw-away as you'd expect.