theTimeVault

Sarah meets a strangely charismatic woman called Ellie D. Radd.  Unfortunately, after three years of extreme living, Ellie’s cold handshake pushes Sarah over the edge and she no longer knows if she’s coming or going…or been.  She starts to think she’s the popular children’s character Andy Pandy, gets a bit violent and puts a severed hand in her lunch box.  The Doctor and Ellie get to her before she can gnaw off more than one finger.  She snaps out of it when Ellie explains that after 150 million years on an NHS waiting list, she’s finally got an appointment for the sex change she’s always wanted.

Sarah and the Doctor give Ellie a lift to the surgery but afterwards, Ellie is crushed to discover that ‘she’ is now a Spanish man with a bad attitude and no neck.  So he decides to spend the rest of her life living in a hole and calling himself El Drad.

Sarah sticks her tongue out and goes home.

That was Sarah Jane Smith everybody, put your hand together and give her a difficult round of applause

Join us as we try to make ‘sense’ of Doctor Who’s latest adventure.

As series one of Doctor Who nears its dimensionally transcendental end, this story is full of possibilities; A spooky spaceship, telepathic aliens, a deranged astronaut, murder, intrigue, suspense, a podgy alien who likes to dress in other peoples clothes……and we find out where a very famous seventies pop trio got their inspiration.

Just stock up on coffee before you start.

Saggitarius (22 Nov-21-Dec)

A sense of direction (and a torch) will be of great benefit to you over the next few days as you go to the aid of your best friend’s hair stylist in a foreign sewer system. Arguments over an inheritance may cause you trouble while an untimely death will remind you of blue cheese. A bearded man will come between you and someone you trust during a fancy dress party. Eat sausages, close all doors behind you, stay away from men who can’t count….

Oh yes, and watch out for bat shit.

Jeepers, Creepers! The Brussels are sprouting!

The Doctor finds himself in another vine mess and doesn’t have mulch time to sort it out.

U.N.I.T. are late with the barbecue and Sarah’s had her chlorophyll of gardening (and she’s still getting over her fear of frozen veg).

It’s no good asking Scorby for help either, he just longs for the green green grass of home.

There are other guests at the Krynoid Garden Party, but something’s the vegetable matter with Keeler and Chase won’t leaf him alone. The haughty, cultured maniac is shoot-ing for the stars and won’t stop until all mankind is pushing up the daisies.

I don’t think this is what the hippies meant by flower power. Still, you know what they say, the other man’s grass is always more homicidal.

It’s not easy being greenery.

Extract from The 100 Most Famous Brains Of All Time: Far Future Edition

…and climbing several places to number 4 we have Morbius. Known to his friends as Chop-Suey the Galactic Emperor, this nearly dead Time Lord maniac likes oppression, paranoid ranting, swimming in green goo and killing starey orange witches of death. His pet hates are people with curly hair, sponges, mind bending contests, cliffs, fire, goldfish bowls, falling, everybody else in the universe and not being able to read a book.

Now that he’s finally overtaken Morpho from the planet Marinus, only three other brains are preventing him from reaching the top spot; The anonymous Thunderbirds scientist, Anne Uumellmahaye and Inspector Gadget’s dog. All three are being moved to safe locations following Morbius’s threats to…

Extract ends

There’s nothing like a bit of grave robbing, followed by identity fraud and religious intolerance but sometimes, that just isn’t enough. Try poisoning your best mate or running out on your fiancé before the wedding. And if all else fails, you can always fall back on the old ‘destroying a man’s faith’ routine. That one gets ‘em every time.

Obviously, this won’t appeal to everyone, so for those of you who prefer a less hands-on approach you could simply dress like a leopard and wait for the Spaniards.

Aahhh, those were the days.

The Tardis crew arrive on a planet where a gang of wetsuit-clad burglars are trying to break into an old man’s home and steal his keys……the bastards!

But the old man’s been really crafty, see, and he’s hidden the keys all over the planet…but of course, he ‘s old and probably lost his glasses so the Doctor and friends go off to find the keys before the burglars can get them.

So they have to nick them off of some comedy knights, a courtroom judge, plants on strings, a hairy rapist and some splatty things in jars………ooh, the excitement.

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What's that smell?

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Honestly, Sutekh, what are we going to do with you? You sit in-front of a tv screen all day, you only wear black, you’re always crushing insects…

I know you like to leave dust and darkness everywhere but you could at least tidy your room. And open your curtains occasionally, they’ve got green mold all over them.

You’re at that difficult age, I know, but why can’t you be more like your brother, Horus? We’re not going to get you any more playthings until you start to act your age….I said no more playthings and I meant it, so stop throwing one of your tantrums and don’t give me that look.

You’ve got to take some responsibility… mummy won’t run around after you for ever, you know.

Now come down to dinner; I know you think all fish and animals are your enemy so we’re having vegetarian lasagne

And for god’s sake, take that silly hat off.

Sun, Sand and S…. No actually it’s just sun and sand.

Our four travellers have broken their box again and are taken in by a man on a sponsored expedition. Some people wear their sponsor’s logo on their clothes, some even have it tattooed on themselves, but Marco changed his surname. Unfortunately, since he’s not sucking on a mint or driving a volkswagon or hitting his balls with a hammer while sitting on a horse, no one’s really sure who his sponsor is.

All we know is that there’s a traitor in his midst from a rival expedition whose plans of sabotage fail (probably because there’s no guy in charge). With the help of the time travellers and a 90’s indie band that got lost in the desert, he manages to reach his destination of Ceti Alpha VI, only to find that Khan has actually moved to Ceti Alpha V, stolen a starship and gone on a murderous revenge spree against Captain Kirk….

I’m terribly sorry, I appear to have got sand in my synopsis.