theTimeVault

He’s a pathologist; brave, witty, always there to give you a hand.

He’s a doctor; a square jawed hero, who tells it like it is

She’s….erm…well…um…she looks good in just a big shirt.

Together they must travel to a remote island somewhere off the coast of somewhere. They’ve got a bone to pick with a fellow scientist who’s let a million silly cats run riot, terrorising the locals who are so scared they’re literally turning to jelly.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, we find out where Pot Noodles come from. I knew those things were evil but I’ll never sleep again now.

Yes, that’s right! It’s time to join Batman and Barry Bumface in Birmingham as they battle the Beast of Fraggle Rock…..er, I mean Fang Rock. Wellllll they’ve both got a lighthouse in ‘em, what’s the difference?

Scream your life away (clap clap)

Worry ‘cause you’ll die today

Let the monster play (clap clap)

Down at Fang Rock

Rutan’s here to stay (clap clap)

But they’ve got something to say

Make it go away (clap clap)

They’re Leela Doctor Rueben Ben and Vince

Scream your life away (clap clap)

Worry ‘cause you’ll die today

Let the Rutan play (clap clap)

Down at Fang Rock

Down at Fang Rock

Down at Fang Rock

You’ve had Sexploitation

You’ve had Blaxploitation

Now it’s time for Fangsploitation as the legendary Count prepares to wake up and smell the seventies.

What’s happened to the world? Why’s everything beige? Why’s everyone bored? Yes, I know there were a couple of buxom wenches for me to snack on yesterday but I mean, come on, I live on a building site with two young vampires called Johnny and Bob; My image is in serious need of some attention….

What’s that? The family Van Helsing you say? One of them wears low cut dresses and takes a lot of deep breaths? Well that’s more like it! Bob, fetch my John Travolta suit! It’s time to hit the streets of ’72 and rub some funk on it!

The time travellers arrive in ‘history’ again. Barbara gets kidnapped during a swordfight between some men in tabards and some other men in other tabards. The Doctor and Vicki go shoplifting while Ian shouts at King Richard until he gets knighted (I bet no one’s ever tried that with the Queen!).

Barbara meets a shoe-shine man and impersonates a member of the royal family. Ian goes to the beach for some fetish fun with ropes, honey and an Arabic horse thief (Where was Mary Whitehouse when THIS was being broadcast?) before arriving just in time to watch someone else save Barbara from a life of endless sex.

Then all four of them sod off back to the TARDIS.

Staff at the remote St Grumpy’s Hospital in the sleepy little village of Nowhere-on-the-wold don’t know what’s hit them when a friendly, co-operative, patient who’s ‘not from round here’ turns up having swallowed a plate, lost his belt and been chased into traffic by a couple of very persistant women.

When the phones stop working and the thermostat accidentally gets stuck on ‘TOAST’ things get even worse; the nurse becomes a walking fire hazard, the switchboard operator goes mental and Dr Vernon’s plans for a quiet night go all to waste, literally.

There’s also a killer cat, a dirty book, a man in a truck, a surprise game of Doc Major Scissors and the strangest feeling that you’ve seen some of this before…

Bleep. bleepbleepblooooop. BlooopbloopblopblooptriiiiiillllwarblewarbleBLEEP. Scuttleflappityflapflap…..HOP.

Pluarrrghhkkhhh Wuarrrgggghhhhkkk.

(Translation)

When the Tardis is forced to land on a planet, the crew discover that a giant, telepathic jellyfish with a gold fetish and the voice of a pervert has taken over, enslaved all the ants, evicted the butterflies and started to collect moons.

o….kaaaaaaaayyyy.

The butterflies want the planet back and get the Tardis crew to help them deflate the jellyfish. They don’t do this straight away of course, oh no. First Vicki practices tightrope walking in the TARDIS, then Ian loses his pen, destroys his school tie and threatens to drop his trousers. Ignoring him, Barbara wanders around doing a half-Karloff while the Doctor stares into the jaws of danger and asks it for a haircut.

TimeVault is going to the movies!

So chloroform your wife, throw your secretary out of the window and then you can sit back and relax as you watch John, Mark and Major Clark navigate their way through the minefield of Invisible Elevators, Overly Dramatic Staircases, Improbable Scientific Theories, Awkward Dinner Parties, Nasty-Looking Jumpers, Sweaty Midnight Runs……Some Bricks……and an Unnnearthhhhly Straaaangeeeerrrr.

And if you don’t like it, bugger off and paint your bathroom!

The time travellers take Vicki to ancient Rome and squat in someone’s villa for a month where Ian and Babs shag like rabbits before she acts like a slut around a married man and he goes off to sink ships and attack people with swords. If that wasn’t bad enough, Vicki wanders round the emperor’s palace trying to poison everyone and the Doctor impersonates an assassin while encouraging someone to commit arson.....and laughs about it!

Come back Susan...Please! Clearly you were the moral centre of the group because they’ve all turned into complete shits without you.

A slavering, gangrenous vampire with a penchant for women’s dresses, fancy hats and dead leprechauns, lives in the sewers of Victorian London with his best friend, a chinese midget who likes to hide inside people’s pants.

Now, if that’s not enough to get you contemptible slatterns interested, we’ll ask you this…

What makes horses sick, has the brain of a pig, the eyes of a dragon, the teeth of a rat, the hair of a ram, muscles like a horse, the dull wit of oxen and the tongue of a black scorpion?

We don’t know either but you wouldn’t want it served with onions.

It’s curtains for Kass, peril for Kerril and Chubb….erm…no, I’ve got nothing.

They’re dead, anyway. Because deep in the deserts of mumblemumblemumble, the crewmembers of a giant travelling bucket and spade are being killed off one by one.

But, since none of them actually like each other, nobody seems too bothered. They’re all too pre-occupied with themselves.

Commander Uvanov plans to use the money he makes on this trip to finance a computer game he’s invented called The Legend of Zilda, named after the (frankly, inexplicable) woman of his dreams. Who has actually just drowned herself in her own tears after being beaten by Toos in the Ship’s Silliest Hat competition.

Borg has found that resistance really IS futile while Dask has discovered cosplay and is taking it a tad too far.

Poul has gone off the deep end (Ho Ho). So it’s up to D-3PO, A-I Private Eye, to save the day.

Because Leela’s too busy playing with a magic yo-yo and the Doctor has gone peanut snorkling.