theTimeVault

Orac’s gone directly to jail without passing go and without collecting 200 credits, Vila hangs out with a shark on wheels, a snooty Victorian gentleman waggles his rod of truth in Dayna’s face and Cally goes on a night out with an invisible bald midget, ending up in his bed. On the first date? Talk about easy!

While all this is going on, Tarrant Scourge Of The Galaxy (his full title) bungles a robbery, loses a fight to a caveman and throws a wobbly about doing his homework.  Fortunately, like an exasperated father, Avon’s on hand to point out all his mistakes.  And save the universe with just a pencil. 

Did I say pencil?  I meant Graphite Writing Stick.

Obviously.

Mission To The Unknown has nothing to do with our intrepid heroes, they’re not even in it! Instead 3 men and a spiky killer cactus of doom kill each other so that they don’t have to listen to the disturbing, hideous SCREAMING coming from the jungle. I bet they’re longing for the peace and quiet of the desert.

Which is precisely where the Doctor is. He’s in the deserts of ancient Troy, pretending to be a cat who makes aeroplanes. Steven’s stripped a dead man and dressed in his clothes so that he can suck up to a posh boy whose idea of a good punch-up involves alcohol and tropical fruit. And Vicki’s busy wining and dining all the men in a royal family until she decides which one she wants to shack up with. The shameless gold-digger.

Vila’s living on a planet where the women only want him for his body, Cally’s learning how to be a space welder and Avon’s become the most inept captain of the Liberator, allowing the Federation to take control of it immediately…twice!

Still, that doesn’t stop them from reuniting and replacing the crew members they can’t be bothered to go and look for.

Maybe Blake’s Mini-Me and Avon’s pretend wife will have better luck on their first mission as they visit the planet of the pacifists, where if you so much as lean on the doorbell, the friendly, peace loving, anti-violence gimpbot with an electric crotch will beat you to death with a nuclear volcano in the face.

Nice.

For his latest scheme, Blofeld’s been dragged all the way to Las Vegas but Bond doesn’t want to go after him, he’s getting too old for all this.

To be franks, he goes all the way to Vegas just so he can visit a crematorium and he’s feeling burnt out. He gets his arse handed to him by a couple of disney characters, has a fight with a waiter over a bottle of wine and finds himself in the middle of a car chase on the moon! If that wasn’t enough, his cheeky new girlfriend, who has a fetish for uncomfortable beds and exploding underwear, seems to be wigging out and switching sides. And all this because Blofeld’s trying to kill people with carrots!

Still, I can think of at least two excellent reasons for Bond to go to Las Vegas, and that’s plenty!

And the first prize for Sleepy English Village goes to…

While the entire population has a Sunday morning lie-in, a handful of insomniacs, desperate to get some sleep, try all sorts of things to wear themselves out. Drinking, looting, kidnapping, bank robbing, inconsiderate parking, having babies, hiding in cupboards, running over sleepwalkers, blowing things up, crashing cars, stealing planes and shooting corpses.

None of it works of course, but then I could have told them that.

Er, i mean…whoops….I wouldn’t know, never tried it (nonchalant whistling).

The Doctor’s finally got fed up of Vicki hanging around doing nothing and has decided to get shot of her as soon as possible.

So when he comes across an all-girl pop group called ‘Maggie and The Drive-In’s’, who’ve broken down on their way back from a gig at the G5 arena, he spots his chance and leaves her with them. After five minutes they force him to take her back.

So he walks all the way to Wales and dumps her on an ugly garage mechanic with bad breath, but he gets fed up of her after only two minutes and gives her straight back.

Reluctantly, the Doctor leaves with Vicki, he’s got a more pressing problem. The prospect of a fivesome with a girl band has made Steven forget everything he’s ever learned about being an astronaut.

If you ask me, I think that’s perfectly understandable.

There’s a good reason why The Time Lords don’t allow outsiders on Gallifrey.  As soon as Leela arrives she starts assaulting the presidential security forces and inciting the local farming community to riot.  Then she lets her dog off the lead so that he can go round biting people in the balls and widdling on the electrics.

The electricians turn up but their extremely high charges come as a shock and the Time Lords turn them away, determined to fix the problem themselves.  Unfortunately, a posh traffic warden has left the back door open and a gang of skinheads wanders in, trampling on the plants, trashing the swimming pool….  

The only one who can sort it out has had a breakdown and is dressing for a victorian christening and talking to rocks.

It’s all the Doctor’s fault.  I bet he wishes he could just forget it ever happened…

A wannabe TV chef with a penchant for eating animal vomit and dressing like a woman keeps waking up in muddy fields with a man who’s trying to get his camel across France in order to ask the neighbours to keep the noise down. There’s a man who lives in a clock, a woman eating dodgy mushrooms in an igloo and a hoax phone-caller who offers the strangest advice to people.

If there’s one thing guaranteed to raise Underworld’s reputation it’s Kate Beckinsale running around in a skin-tight black leather catsuit.

Unfortunately, that’s a different Underworld.

This Underworld has no sets, lots of beige, a comedy dog, a long lost sperm bank (sorry, ‘genetic inheritance’) and a bunch of idiots getting lost on a spelunking holiday wearing sausage hats and tin foil.

There are also a lot of hidden references to something about a yellow sheep but I don’t really understand it, it’s all Greek to me.

Dracula’s an idiot.

We all know that he’s desperate for some eternal rumpy pumpy (let’s be honest, who isn’t?) and yes, he’s been resourceful enough to have found a mail order company that delivers brides by the crate-load, but that’s where his smarts end.

He lives in a remote country house surrounded by a fence made of wooden stakes!

His garden is full of vampire-lethal hawthorn bushes!

His house is protected by a CCTV system that can’t see him!

He has a sprinkler system, which is the same as deadly running water (and doesn’t stop his house from burning down anyway)!

I wouldn’t be surprised if his car’s got a sun-roof.

We never find out exactly what his company does but I’m willing to bet it makes pencils….or garlic bread.