theTimeVault

Following the tragic, harrowing events of the Daleks Masterplan, the time travelling duo need a holiday. A nice, relaxing break in an idyllic locale maybe? Perhaps mixing with friendly locals, and even taking part in the charming traditions of the local festival wouldn’t be a bad idea………

So a 16th Century French BLOODBATH would be just the ticket.

Let’s see, paranoid, suspicious locals? Check.

Filthy streets drowning in disease and vermin? Check.

The threat of death hanging on your every word or action? Check

TARDIS Tours, we know exactly where you want to go……we just won’t get you there.

Forced to go on his hols, SPOF Commander, Nathan Spring is determined not to enjoy himself. After standing up a date, hiding in a cave, stabbing an Italian, insulting a policeman and taking some drugs, he goes back to work. Unfortunately for him, Kenzie’s job hunting, Theroux’s having a right old grump and Colin’s coated the walls with sweat.

Intimidating a tiny doctor and running into a room full of radioactive waste doesn’t cheer him up so he goes back to earth and relaxes in a sauna, sipping cocktails and slapping the businessman.

Under discussion this month:

There is new(ish) Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy coming to the wireless. Are we happy about it and is Douglas Adams being everywhere at the moment a good thing?

Red Dwarf co-creator Rob Grant returns with The Quanderhorn Xperimentations.

Do we really need another version of Shada?

It’s 30 years since the Seventh Doctor first appeared on TV, should we start fearing our own mortality?

and is Philip Segal stealing chips on Eastbourne seafront?

Can you think of a better way to celebrrrrrate the anniverrrrrrsary of a tv show you love than by talking overrrrrr it all the way thrrrrough while pointing out everrrrrrything it’s done wrrrrrong?

No, neitherrrrrr can we! So herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre it is.

Happy Anniverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrsary!

Servelan continues her relentless mission to kill all of her enemies’ family members in overly complicated and unlikely situations. This time, she’s after Tarrant’s brother, Tarrant. Now, if she can get him to look like a pornstar, dress like a power ranger, cram everyone into his head and play a deadly game of hide and seek with a badly named shortarse….

Still, while she’s busy with that, Avon is playing his own game of hide and seek, Cally and Tarrant are playing follow the leader, Dayna and Vila are playing who’s oozing, seeping pus is this? and Zen is playing his swan song.

Something’s bugging SPOF’s Commander, Nathan Spring. Could it be the desperate Indian multi-millionaire inventor who likes weird poetry and extreme sales pitches? Could it be the paranoid American, Commander Griffin, who doesn’t like ‘yoo-ro-peens’ or SPOF but does like cigars and sexist chat-up lines? Or perhaps it’s the nosy Russian, Krivenko, who suspiciously wants to be everyone’s best friend?

No, it’s got to be his new best Pal, Kenzy, who forces her way into his life by lying, cheating, gambling, extorting, conniving, smuggling, resigning, interviewing and filing….filing? Well, it must be fun out in space if that’s how you get your kicks.

Whilst Servelan is busy (air quote) entertaining the troops, Tarrant and Dayna have been hired by the Blue Man Group to make an instructional sex tape for a giant, carnivorous brain that’s dressed as a glimmer globe covered in Toblerones.

Wanting nothing at all to do with this, Vila lounges about practicing stand-up comedy. But when his efforts send a sleepy Avon and Cally quite literally out of their minds, he decides to jack it all in and join the Federation. So he travels to a far away planet that can’t be found where his first job is to pick all the dead mice out of the computer.

At least he doesn’t have to clean out the fish tank…

Reach across the stars with Nathan Spring as he takes command of the International Space Police Force (SPOF for short). He didn’t want the job, he wanted to settle down and have a family but since his girlfriend watered his plants all wrong, she had to go.

So now he’s among the stars, having to deal with corrupt cops, a one-man Mad Max tribute act on roller-skates, a sarcastic traffic warden who gets stroppy about other people’s rucksacks, an eight year-long case of fatal space nookie, and a hat that doesn’t fit properly!

With no police station, no staff, cars, guns, truncheons, handcuffs or jail cells, all he’s got to rely on is a movie-quoting electrician and the one item he was allowed to take to the moon….a box.

It’s not even a big box.

Congratulations, you’ve made it all the way to the end, I honestly didn’t think I would - er YOU would, i mean. Now, the last segment is disguised as a posh bird who’s lost her damp flannel. You'll have to argue with your shadow a few times and put up with a cockney git for much too long, but once you've managed that it’ll aallll be over.

Well, maybe not quite. On a planet that isn’t there, you’ll find a very long drawn out game of hide and seek going on, which you mustn’t interfere with! Just start burning the odd dog or two and you're sorted.

Don't worry, the last 26 weeks will all have been worth it. I promise.

Now then, where’s Astra? Astraaaa!…..AstraaaaAAAAAA!!!!!

Okay Huey, take it away, 1…2…3….

The Power of Kroll is a curious thing

Make a one man dead, make another turn green

Just one part of a powerful whole

More than sushi, that's The Power of Kroll

No, the Doctor isn’t wearing purple pants and riding a skateboard but he has got waders, an imaginary flute, a TON of green paint and a plan to stop the biggest monster in the universe by poking it with a stick.

Best take the TARDIS, don't take K-9

You’ll just need Romana to find the key to time

It's huge and it's slimy and it smells of swamp

And it might just take your life

That's The Power of Kroll