theTimeVault

Avon’s got a problem. His big end’s gone. But not to worry, he knows where the nearest Honda garage is. Unfortunately, it’s just been swallowed up by a much larger federation, and their director (who’s a real cutie, by the way), is discontinuing the Honda Rebel. Avon has no choice but to look elsewhere. His only other option is to steal a new engine from a load of joyriding battle clowns who like to blow up federation ships by waving their choppers around.

Awkwaaaard.

Still he manages to steal a ruddy great space engine out from under their implausibly painted noses and does a runner in a ship that’s now so fast it’s invisible. He WILL still stop to pick up hitchhiker’s….just don’t expect him to remember their names.

Welcome to the Annual General Meeting of the Agoraphobic Society. This year’s excursion will be through a magic door we’ve just discovered in the bathroom and there are a few things you’re going to need if you go through.

1 x seasoned onion, large

1 x bowl of cornflakes (wine-soaked)

1 x hard-earned pea

1 x yellow cable

6 x IQ points

3 x future selves

If you have all of those, we’re ready to go. Just a few notes before we set off… Keep a tight hold of your legs, avoid the killer gooseberries, do NOT, under any circumstances, apologise for the chicken….oh, and don't be fooled by the night watchman, he’s just finished reading the junior colour encyclopaedia of space and he’s feeling under-appreciated.

When is science fiction not science fiction?

When it involves unorthodox book behaviour, the best quiz show of all time, loft insulation, spanners for all occasions and somewhere to store tins of paint.

Discuss.

The Doctor and his companions become trapped in the house of a man wearing a kimono who forces them to play games against a honker, a queen and a fat man in shorts.

Whilst Fu Man Chu’s English cousin challenges the Doctor’s hand to a four-week long game of Space Jenga, Steven and Dodo must keep playing lots of games until Dodo learns to listen to the rules. There’s Total Blind Dead Wipeout’, Musical Chairs (without any music) the Pointless Kitchen Shouting Challenge, Strictly Come Dancing Eternity and a bizarre version of hopscotch against the fat man/boy who now appears to be doing an evil Christopher Biggins impression...

To make things more interesting, Steven’s impatient, Dodo’s suicidal and the Doctor’s invisible.

Just like the first three episodes.

Tarrant’s a pilot once more

Dayna goes under the floor

Avon gets caught in a war

Vila just opens a door

Soolin’s a very quick draw

Cally is sadly no more

Welcome….to series four

Goits, Gits, Gimps and Gimboids of all ages, gather round as we celebrate the 30th Anniversary of Red Dwarf.

A scouse poet, an impressionist with big nostrils, a dancer and a stand up comedian who spends his entire time sitting down, live (and die) in a spaceship while being obscenely rude to each other and not meeting aliens.

So, if you’re a white-hatted ponce, a 6-breasted Quagaar warrior woman, or even if you look something like a roast chicken, then order yourself some blackcurrant cordial with blancmange and two creams and a sugar and reminisce with us about the day that Frankenstein didn’t go to Fiji.

If that made any sense at all, I worry abut you.

The Doctor, Steven and Dodo (unfortunately, this one’s not extinct) land in a jungle on a spaceship. The Human race lives in a draw and some mute, one-eyed ping pong ball swallowers with Beatles hair cuts suffer death by sneezing. The time travellers administer some Lemsip and leave……

Only to return immediately – hundreds of years later – to find the Human race are now slaves and the balls-in-mouth aliens have invented talking jewellery and picked a fight with a planet full of invisible giants while Steven searches for an exploding head. The time travellers free the Human slaves and leave……

Only to return immediately – hundreds of…NOOOooooooooooooooooooooo

The Star Cops see red as Krivenko lets yet another dubious associate run amok on the moon, Colin goes for a drive looking for an all-night chemists and Kenzy proves that there’s an art to policing (when she’s not throwing grenades at baggage handlers).

But Commander Nathan Spring has had enough. He’s fed up with all the untidy bedrooms, fake driving licences, fumbling in the dark, illegal drinking and even a bad case of chicken pox, it feels too much like being a teenager. So he’s decided it’s time for him to SPOF off to MARS: Bringer of Work, Rest and Play. But he hadn’t reckoned on the World’s most gittish museum curator exploding on to the scene.

I think this series is going to go out with a bang.

Anybody need a hand?

A snooty pianist is rather attached to both of his but his father’s murderer is looking to add them to her collection because she’s mistaken them for a different but identical pair of hands that belong to the same man who’s taken her three children to live in a cave on the moon where he plans to melt them and put it on youtube. David doesn’t want Nathan and his Pal to make everything alright because he’s broken one and a couple of spares floating around might come in… wait for it… handy.

Oh yes, and Catweazle travels further into the future, where he comes up against exploding card tables, an Australian in a cupboard, a sexually active Colin Devis and the Tarantino version of Bob The Builder. Riveting stuff.

Under discussion this month:

Star Cops gets a second series, 31 years after the first!

Tom Baker Is The Fourth Doctor

David Bradley Isn’t The First Doctor

New Who novelisations!

Red Dwarf XII and a stage show?!

Mike grumbles about Shada - again.

Prepare yourselves for the Return of the Megadonkey...