theTimeVault

Excellent, you're halfway there already, now the fourth segment can be found in—Oh you have? that was quick. Well, I’d better tell you a story about a prince and a princess then…

He is going to marry her, but she isn’t her, she's her it, which only looks like her so he’s actually going to marry her it, only he isn’t because he isn’t him, he’s his it. He is actually being held prisoner next door to her, with both their it’s failing to it it off. When Romana turns up - looking exactly like her and her it - she has to pretend to be her. The actual her, not her it. Which is ironic given that she now has her own it (currently being set fire to by a dog).

That’s the point when the it hits the fan.

What's the Doctor up to? He’s having drinkies with royalty and getting completely it-faced.

That’s about it, oh yes! The legendary Taran Wood Beast has a cameo appearance in this one but it’s quite brief; blink and you’ll miss it. No, seriously….blink and miss it, it’s for the best.

Campers are getting their rocks off in the woods, druids are getting stoned in the village hall, companions are enjoying real cliffhangers, old women are hitting monsters with truncheons and upper class over-dressed archaeologists are painting themselves silver and pretending to be a giant crow. But what’s the doctor up to? He’s talking to himself underneath a hairy head AND a hairy hat whilst getting lost in a theoretical absurdity.

So nothing unusual there.

Warning! This story contains flashing lights. They won't harm you, they’re just…..shit.

Servelan’s having a tea party. She hasn’t invited Avon but he’s going anyway; however, he needs a date, and the only woman he’s ever fancied is dead. That doesn't stop him though and he sets out to find her. Although, strangely enough, he can’t get her name right.

While Avon’s busy with that, Vila’s creating an underground art installation and Dayna's dressing like a footballer’s wife and playing a space guitar. But no one cares because yet another Cally lookee-likeee has turned up (is there a planet of these people somewhere?) and she wants to make them all her concubines. . . after they’ve done a little dance.

Obviously.

…Rancid vinegar lampshade! No, er Retro vaulting ladder? Arrgh!

Anyway, erm yes the first key was a bit of green snot, and well done for finding that one by the way, I don't even want to know what you went through to find it. The second key is guarded by a lot of blokes wearing vomit yellow with a tendency to dial their Counselor Troi impressions up to 11. You’ll have to go to an evil fancy dress party on a mountain with a nurse, a pirate and on old queen, but if you can get through that then you need to look for a pebble on a planet that isn’t there.

Good luck. And watch out for bird poo.

Vila quite fancies some leg….maybe a bit of breast.

His new friend, Kerril, is desperate for some sausage.

Avon’s looking to resupply his stock of devilled ham.

And Tarrant thought he’d got prime beef, but he’s actually the scrag end. Again.

Everyone comes to Bayban the Butcher!

Except for Servelan. She’s gone to Ron’s copy place. Our Ron’s ever so good, he’ll do you several copies free of charge. All you have to do is give him a fatal dose of the yellow gunge and he’ll copy as much as you want. Just don't ask for Zelda, she’s a bit thick. Always dresses in a reeeeally tight cagoule and has a jewellery phobia. She’ll probably get fired one of these days. Oh.

Yes, that’s right we have reached The Keys Of Marinus: Extended Edition.

A white haired old man gives the Doctor and his companions no choice but to travel all over the place looking for six lost keys that, when brought together will blah-de-blah-de-blah… But beware! Do not give them to the evil black voord guardian yartek for he will use them for eeeeeeevill.

The first key looks like a giant bogey, it’s in a ramshackle castle full of cossack dancers, Wurzels, floppy dragons and a mad old bat with horns who wails a lot. Good Luck.

Oh, and here’s some help for you. A robot version of scrappy doo, and a hoighty-toity posh bird called….erm…hang on a minute….

Romantical veranda landing, No…um….Rumble…Rumblywomblelumper! No, err…rheumatic veracity lunarcycle?

Rhomboid!, Ramalamarhomboid…erm…von lunchbox! No, that's not it.

Rimble ramble…ermm…I’ll get it, I’ll get it. Just give me about 26 episodes and I’ll remember it. I hope.

When the legendary insane genetically engineered masked swashbuckler known as Zorro loses all his money at the races, his permanently distressed girlfriend won't leave him alone. Nag, nag, nag, all day long.

So, armed only with an endless supply of henchwomen, millions of dollars worth of real estate, a killer car wash, a mad scientist, every stick of dynamite in the universe and a balloon with a Z on it; he tries to quickly recoup his losses by going to San Francisco and cornering the market in really small chip shops.

But Fish and Chips are Britain’s answer to haute cuisine, dammit! You can’t take them away from us. So in rides Bond with his trusty Steed. But it’s his last day on the job and he’s planning to take it easy… a bubble bath, a hair colouring, a cookery course, surfing lessons… Oh well, Charlie’s Angel and The Chinese Detective will have to sort it out.

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