theTimeVault

Hey old buddy, I’m afraid we can only spend a few minutes at the Blofeld Memorial Sanctuary for Retired Evil Cats, we’ve got a wedding to go to remember.

Yes, I’ve got the presents; a leg from you and a crispy drug smuggler from me. You’ll have to hijack a petrol tanker to get there on time and don’t forget, they like swearing so practice saying ‘bastard’ a lot.

No, that’s it. Just remember to wear your best pink trousers, and can you feed the shark before you leave?

Oh you have, bless your heart.

Whilst the Doctor commits credit card fraud, criminal damage and identity theft, Leela follows up a brief session of light bondage by having a steamy affair with a squeaky green-tinged midget.

Things are soon interrupted though when a gang of protestors organise a sit in at the air conditioning plant, telling the tax collector to stick it where the suns don’t shine.

Which just happens to be down two floors, on a shelf in the cupboard between the candles, the whips and the ladies hair removal products.

A Spaceman, a Monk, a Panda and a horny bloke called Sven. That’s certainly NOT the DVD I was expecting, I must have gone into the wrong shop.

Cheating landlords, sweaty barmaids, melting tramps, hysterical sluts, twitchy sex pests, burning dogs, an army of alien jelly disintegrating fields full of sheep….It’s amazing what I can see out of my upstairs window.

Anyway, it’s now time for Night Of The Big Heat. I wonder what happens in it.

Skullduggery abounds in Fetch Priory when a scientist gets light-headed and goes for a wanda.

She comes across an unrestrained accent, an exaggerated performance and an incontinent dog. She also finds a German fruitcake in the cellar that’s gone bad, but that’s okay because Rose Tyler’s Grandmother has made an English fruitcake (using a LOT of salt).

They all hide under a table when a mime artist with a VERY deep tan arrives and threatens to destroy all life on earth with a plague of giant, spaghetti-eating caterpillars.

Help is on hand though when the TARDIS arrives in a field of cows. Watch out, mime queen…here comes Doctor MooooOOOOO.

The Daleks interrupt the Doctor while he’s sunbathing so he challenges them to a game of hide and seek and legs it in the TARDIS.  The Daleks count to one hundred and the chase is on!

They hide behind a miniature Empire State Building with Columbo, on an empty boat, in the cheapest Munsters convention in history and an alien jungle full of killer mushrooms…

But Oh No!  The Daleks have built a lookee-likee Doctor designed to cheat at the game.  The time travellers face a difficult dilemma when they have to choose between the one that looks like the Doctor or the one that….doesn’t.

At all.  Not even a little bit.  I mean, they could have put a short, fat, bald Indian woman wearing a false beard into a badger costume and covered it in custard and it would have been more believable.

But the finale takes place in a city populated by giant machines that are shaped like a robot’s knackers and it’s not long before they and the Daleks have a massive game of bumper cars.  Our heroes take the opportunity to set fire to the city and jump off the roof.

The End

If there’s something strange

In your remote, isolated, creepy old english mansion

Who you gonna call…?

The solicitors!

Are you mad?

Because this solicitor has had no training in fighting ghosts whatsoever. He doesn’t have a doctorate, he doesn’t have an un-tested, un-licenced nuclear accelerator on his back. He’s got a dog. A little dog. That runs away.

He doesn’t know how to use a fireplace, he can’t swim, can’t follow instructions, and wouldn’t recognise a hint if it broke into his hotel room and climbed into bed with him.

Which it does.

Honestly, this complete amateur doesn’t stand a ghost of a chance.

Okay, the TARDIS crew arrive in a space museum (hence the title) where they see themselves as exhibits in glass cases. In a fascinating science fiction concept, this is explained by their having turned up before they’ve arrived, which is also after they’ve already been there. So when they first arrive for the second time, they’ve already arrived after themselves before they even turn up. So by getting there both before AND after the second time they turn up first, they IT HURTS! IT HURTS! OWWWW……MY BRAIN!

Nick Nack, baddie whack, give the girl a bone.

Having earned a nice holiday in Honk Kong, Bond gets into trouble straight away by flashing his tits at the wrong businessman.  He gatecrashes a Bruce Lee Appreciation Society meeting in his pyjamas, narrowly avoids a humongous kicking with the help of the local girls school after hours ninja club and gets arrested for joyriding in a stolen car with a racist sterotype.

On the second day... he tracks down his biggest fan, shoots him and burns down his house, Bond then attends a wine wasting party where a bimbo and a midget fight over his junk.

All that’s left now is to take revenge on his tailor.

also known as Doctor Who and The Hardcore Prawn

The Doktaw and Loola stop off at an awl-nite petrul stayshun beecoz they hurd there woz a partee. But beefaw they can say ekstraterestreeal pathowlogikal endomorfizumz, thee Doktaw gets hairee hands and needs a ly down wyul loola pootz on a nursiz owtfit and gets fizzikal with a swawm of booshee ibrowd petrul pump atendanz…and a dog.

Towld u it woz hardcaw.