theTimeVault

Dear 500 Year Old Diary

It’s been an odd sort of day.

For no apparent reason, I suddenly sprouted lots of extra invisible heads. I took them to the nearest jungle planet where they could roam free in the wild, unfortunately they started to eat everyone in a team-building survival course. The only woman in the group - who got lost on her way to a Xena: Warrior Princess lookee-likee competition - got all up in my face, calling me evil. The cheek of it!

I tried to get on their good side with some jelly babies but it turned out that a man with a glove on his head had no sense of fun and convinced the others that they must attack God (who looks like me and lives in my throat) and The Evil One (who also looks like me and lives in my throat). I had to follow them of course and, would you believe it, I found three weirdo’s in a lift down there. I managed to cough them all up eventually and left the planet as soon as possible. I’m all out of lozenges as well. I’ll look for some on that planet with all the robots.

Robots are never any trouble. . .

Everyone has at least one skeleton in the cupboard and the Time Lords are no exception (although, since they don’t seem to have cupboards, he lives under the stairs). Gallifrey is about to fall under the dark influence of Chancellor Goth!

Fortunately, Cardinal Punk, Castellan Hippy, Chief Co-ordinator Emo and Commander New Romantic are on hand to help and the Doctor soon realises that the only way to save everything is to journey deep into the Matrix.

Unfortunately no one can tell him what the Matrix is, he has to see it for himself…

And if that wasn’t bad enough, the Master has just returned home with some funny ideas he picked up on his travels. Obsessed with rods, columns, shafts and cracks, excited about goats and making gooey (literally) eyes at the Doctor, things just got a liiiittle more complicated.

Having abandoned his grand-daughter barefoot in the rubble-strewn wreckage of an alien world, the Doctor and friends go to another planet in search of someone they like more. Once they find someone (called Vicki) they shoot all the animals, force her only friend off a cliff and leave.

Bastards.

In the rather annoying event of an alien invasion, it wouldn't hurt to follow these instructions.

1. Twist your ankle

2. Get captured

3. Run through London with a sour faced woman holding a chair

4. Squelch through the sewers taking great care to squash the Terrifyingly Tiny Alligator

5. Defuse a polystyrene bomb

6. Tear your jacket

7. Hide in a hanging-basket while a man in a bag falls of a cliff

8. Stop any explosive devices by balancing them on a stick

Congratulations, you have just stopped an alien invasion.

Wasn't difficult, was it?

The second season hits the big time as the Doctor discovers that size IS important and stupidity and plot holes abound as the TARDIS crew are shrunk to the size of a baby’s fingernail.

MARVEL at the giant earthworm.

SHUDDER at the large wasp.

Feel your SKIN CRAWL at the enormous fly.

CRINGE at the ‘how to act in a matchbox’ scene and…

STARE DUMBFOUNDED at ‘that’ telephone call.

RUN AWAY at the prospect of watching it again.

Good Morning everybody, welcome to Wundatours!

We shall be arriving at ElsBels shortly where we have a wonderful weekend planned. We shall be staying at a marvellous no star hotel that hasn’t been finished yet, staffed by humourously baffled locals. You’ll have plenty of time to enjoy sunbathing in the torrential rain and we have a charming outing to the local town where we have arranged for you to take part in a street brawl with the local prostitutes followed by a night in an overcrowded mixed jail cell. A last minute addition to the schedule is a huge piss-up before we leave.

I would ask that anyone allergic to mosquito bites, wet cement and ankle bracelets takes plenty of medication.

Everybody ready?

Off we go!

Surpriiiiise!

All aboard the Happy Wanderer for a quick round-the-world cruise. The first round of FloDears are on us….just don’t eat the cake.

It’s the Doctor’s turn to dress in someone else’s clothes this week as the final story of series one sees another tale of mistaken identity, this time set during the French Revolution. The Doctor and crew encounter burning buildings, prison cells, the guillotine, rats, riots, spying, assassination and a dirty shovel. One of them screams, one of them has a holiday, one has a feathered hat and one nearly cops off with a Frenchman. It’s a violent, historical, jaw dropping romp.

Almost like TimeVault itself.

Except for the screaming and the violence…and the history, rats, riots, prison cells, guillotine, burning buildings, holidays, spies, assassins, dirty shovels, frenchmen and feathered hats.

Originally called The Mummy Snored, this is Hammer’s only attempt at a horror-comedy-whodunnit.

A narcoleptic accountant, recovering in bandages after getting caught in a fight while on holiday in Egypt, wakes up to find out that the souvenir tea-towel he’d bought for his mummy has been stolen.  He decides to track down the burglars and get back his tea-towel only to find that it keeps ending up in the hands of different tourists!

Hilarity ensues on the streets of Cairo as he chases (among others) a bumbling photographer,  a linguist who can’t read and a Human version of Penfold, only for each one of them to be killed in a run of increasingly hilarious accidents each time his narcolepsy kicks in.

As the police begin to close in, no one has realised that the local religious fanatic and his mad old baggage of a mum are also after the tea-towel as it has a secret code written on it that can raise the dead!

Can our accountant put 2 and 2 together, find his, rather pathetic, souvenir, stop the tourists from dying and thwart the zombie-raising locals before he’s arrested?  Or will he just sleep through the whole thing?