theTimeVault

It doesn’t matter if you’re a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden or a man with three heads waiting for a lift; put down the double-polaroid, grab a banana and come with us to WaxWorld where we plan to talk to you about Red Dwarf IV. We can’t promise to be interesting but i’m afraid the only way out is the huge 10lb black-ribbed knobbler in the cupboard.

So, before we begin…

Would anybody like any toast?

Mystic Meg’s cosmic cousin needs help from the Doctor because he’s fallen down a hole and his only companion is Mr Blobby’s intergalactic pen pal, a huge green blob who can only communicate in single entendres. Things have been made worse because the hole is in the back garden of an upperclass murdering psychopath who’s not at all happy that she had to leave her face-painting appointment half an hour early.

Her top warrior’s no help because he’s too busy wandering the grounds, dressing in leather and whipping his sprouts for anyone who wants to watch, so she comes up with a-drastic solution…she’ll turn the hole into a fighting pit! first contest, a dog with a gun vs a giant green nacker. Who wouldn’t pay to see that?

Now, I know nobody wants to see THAT! Put it away, it’s not big (well it is actually) and its certainly not clever!

Something’s got them all in a crabby mood.

Could it be the fact that someone’s programmed their answer machine message to spout a load of gibberish? or that Dayna appears to have sand in her character trait? Maybe it’s the fact that some random old bloke’s joined the crew without anyone realising or that Tarrant’s beginning to smell faintly of wet blanket. Whatever the reason, playing some games in the Crystals Maze might cheer them up.

Soolin plays a first person shoot-em-up against a state-of-the-art ambidextrous gun, Tarrant has a go on a flight simulator where the object appears to be crashing into things, Vila has to work out what to do with a dead man and someone else’s finger whilst Dayna fails miserably at hide and seek.

I bet this wasn’t in their horoscope. Will you start the bombs please!

Apparently, TARDIS arrives somewhere nice for a change but as Dodo’s taking a lot of pent up tension and frustration out on Steven, the Doctor goes for a walk in the wilderness with nothing but a bottle of suspicious pills and something that, quite frankly, would be put to better use cheering up Dodo. Quite what he plans to do with them behind a bush, I don’t want to know.

It turns out they’ve arrived on a planet with two lots of people on it. One lot of people are the worst kind of nosey neighbours you could imagine who send Steven and Dodo off to follow a red herring from another show whilst they fail to explain to the Doctor how and why they’ve been spying on him for several years.

This lot of people think they’re the best so they shine torches at the other lot of people until they forget how to paint pictures and shave. Fortunately for the other lot of people a space pilot turns up with a mirror. So everything’s fine.

Once both lots of people have smashed up a nasty bit of kit that makes you do impressions, they want one of the visitors to stay and sort their lives out for them.

So, will it be Steven or will it be Dodo? Which one would you rather see leave?

Don’t get your hopes up.

(deep voice)

Danger!

Do not attempt to open this podcast

the presenters involved are extremely hostile

they feed off the Human psyche

they seek out the deranged, the unbalanced and the emotionally crippled

you have been warned!

A Fistful of Time Travellers – Doctor Who meets Carry On Cowboy as the time travellers look for a dentist in Westworld.

After materialising in the stables, the Doctor tries to deal with rough, tough gunslingers at the O.K. Corral by calling them ‘my good man’ and ‘young fellow’, Steven demonstrates animal cruelty by strangling a cat in the saloon and Dodo reveals herself to be a concert pianist of Chas n Dave proportions before going on the run with a murderous surgeon and a singing prostitute.

Steven tries to get her back (god knows why) but ends up bound and gagged on the floor of a house in the middle of the desert surrounded by five lonely, dirty cowboys and a trainspotter with a drum kit – only Steven really knows what happened and he’s not saying (what happens in the Wild West, STAYS in the Wild West).

Dodo rides back into town (shame), The doctor gets his tooth sorted out (ahhh or perhaps Arrggghh!), lots of cowboys end up dead in the street (yee haw!) and they depart, not realising that TARDIS is now trailing a steaming load of horse shit through the universe.

They don’t make ‘em like they used to

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Cobblers!

All of these sayings are important as we carry on where Lintilla, Lintilla and Lintilla left off, with a bit of sole searching.

Tarrant please start the music

Justin please light the lights

Now Sleer can raise the curtain on Bucol 2 tonight!

Dayna is putting on make-up

Dayna is dressing up right.

She's keen to get things started in the secret underground genetic experimentation laboratory tonight.

Avon, meanwhile has decided that he needs to get a-head of the game, he doesn’t want to shoulder all the responsibility but he’s not going to stick his neck out for just any body. Unfortunately the new recruit is up to something that’s got him stumped.

Vila could help but he’s too busy playing hide-and-seek with Orac and the twins, Sue and Lynn.

Funny how you never see them both together….

The Doctor and Romana travel to a French cafe where they drink a lot of Duggan Punch. It causes them to get a bit hyper and run around the streets of Paris playing chicken with the traffic, which is ironic because they find themselves locked in a cellar surrounded by a rare breed of reversible chickens which appear to have painted several copies of the same famous painting. It’s no good asking the Russian chicken breeder who lives in the cellar about it because he’ll die of old age before he understands his own work but perhaps the Italian Countess upstairs can shed light on what happened. Unfortunately she’s experiencing the after-effects of a bad italian. Fortunately, Leonardo DaVinci’s notebook has the perfect remedy for their condition; simply mix the Duggan Punch with a rotten Spaghetti Bolognese to create a Primordial Soup and you’re cured.

Blimey, who said Paris was a relaxing place?

Still, you have to smile. Or maybe you don’t….can’t quite decide.

Mornin’ sir, welcome to Davrust’s Used Carleds. You came just in time sir, only got four left, they’re rollin’ off the forecourt. All from the Dalek range, we got a Shout, a Boom, a Tippytoe and a Nasty. Ignore them ones over there, they... do not move.

Now, I know wha’choor finkin; they’re dented, they’re scratched, the paintwork needs a lot of care and attention, but these travel machines will last forever. First class, home grown, Skaro engineering. I mean you -could- go over the other side of the wasteland and 'ave a goosey at that all-new, fancy Movellan showroom. But really sir, white upholstery? Devil to keep clean, that is and as for them beaded headrests, come off it! Put togevva wiv screws, batteries ain’t powerful, an’ I don’t even know what those pink pointy fings are s'posed to do. Two of their models, the Lan and the Agellan, keep breakin’ daarn! And as for their top-of the-line, new model… wassit called, the er, the er, Sharon? Bits keep fallin’ off it!

Nah, trust your ol’ mate Davrust, sir. These are classics. You take ‘ome a Dalek and it’ll see you to the end of your life. Shake on it sir?

‘uvver ‘and sir