theTimeVault

During his gap year, a fashion student goes on a minor tour of the Greek islands only to get stranded on one. He gives the local mayor a sob story about his past and gets his own house if he promises to help them renovate the island. Instead, he digs a couple of holes in the back garden, invites a load of his mates round and orders a curry (Greek food gives him a sore throat). The locals can’t seem to get rid of them and the takeaway delivery boys keep getting lost in the maze of narrow streets. But then a show-jumper and a clown turn up with a pet dog that likes biting people in the bulls and things just go from bad to worse.

The Scorpio family’s house burns down so they decide to go and stay with Granddad. But, as with all long journeys, they argue with each other so much that Mum and Dad get out and walk, taking little Vila and Dayna with them. As he’s only just passed his test, moody teen Tarrant keeps going, bumps into several other vehicles and ends up in a ditch.

Trying to hitch a lift he meets a dirty looking old tramp with funny clothes and a permanent wink who offers him a bag of sweets if he’ll get in the car. So off they go.

Ending up at a motorway services in the arse end of nowhere, Tarrant realises he’s been kidnapped, by his Granddad so he kicks the old guy in the nuts and runs away….straight in to the arms of his family who’ve just arrived in a car they er, borrowed from a couple of murderous hillbilly types they met living in a shed deep in the woods.

Dad and Granddad have a stand-up argument about the gobby young woman he’s shacked up with who’s only after him for everything. The argument turns nasty and before you know it Grandad’s lying in a pool of his own blood and his girlfriend’s very large family (who just happen to own the services station) give the Scorpio family a right good kicking.

That’s the last time they’ll get together for a family reunion.

A group of S and M fanatics (wearing gimp masks made from their mum’s tights) get lost on a skiing trip to the South Pole. they stumble onto a secret military outpost at the same time as the Doctor, Ben and Polly. When a new planet appears in the sky everyone goes a bit mental.

The Doctor’s having none of it, though. He’s far too old for that sort of thing so he takes action….and has a nap, leaving it up to a sailor and a duchess to do something clever with magnets and a luminous stick before the mad general nukes the universe and the kinky gimps enslave the human race (actually, The Kinky Gimps sounds like a 1970’s prog rock group).

After all that, the Doctor decides that he looks far too old and has a very bad reaction to a botox overdose.

Leaving the others to man the office, Avon and Vila take the company car to a meeting but it breaks down on the way back and they have a very serious argument about who’s going to walk home.

Avon apologises with a fancy dress dinner party. But when Tarrant gets caught getting off with a hot punk girl under the coats, his parents are forced to take her home. Coming back in the wee small hours, they find that their hyperactive kids have completely trashed the place!

Arrr! Avast, ye scurvy landlubbers, we be the fearsome Podcasters of Penzance!

The Doctor and his land-lubbing stowaways arrive in somethingth century Cornwall where a dodgy bloke tells the Doctor a secret. they go to the pub where the Doctor gets kidnapped by Cap’n Hook’s evil brother. Polly feels confused as to her gender preference when she and Ben get thrown in jail from where they promptly escape (because of witches) hide in a crypt and beat up a policeman.

The Doctor escapes from Cap’n Jack Sparrow’s mad ancestor, finds his gender confused companions and tells the policeman to sod off. He then walks straight to where the treasure’s hidden and waits for Cap’n Pugwash’s slimmer twin to double-cross some corrupt Cornish smugglers. Then he waits some more while all the pirates, barkeeps and assorted salty sea dogs kill each other over it.

With their swash’s firmly buckled, the Doctor, Ben and Polly, who is now firmly resolute as to her femininity, go for a walk along the beach, probably stuffing their faces with Cornwall’s most famous export....

Yo Ho Ho and a Pastie

An uptight scotsman, travels to a remote island where the locals are obsessed with fruit. He stays at an inn with the best room service in the world (you get more than breakfast in bed at this place). They invite him to trade with them; The landlord’s daughter offers him melons and a juicy peach in exchange for some plums but all he’s got is a cherry and he doesn’t want to lose that. So they show him round the island instead.

He thinks their idea of healthy living is just bananas, but he joins in their may-day festival where the punch makes him act like a fool and run off into the caves with a young girl. He joins in their barbecue where they all gather round the camp fire for a sing-song and present him with a leaving present of a huge fruit basket.

All in all, quite a pleasant holiday. Until he finds out there’s no fruit, then he gets bit hot tempered.

or Curly Chops and The Crack Muppets

A cruise ship captain who’s clearly not getting paid enough and a grumpy git with spaceship envy find themselves literally stuck together after one of them drives the wrong way down the space lanes. But that’s the least of their worries…

There’s a drug problem running wild on the ship. It’s high time somebody smoked out the culprits but the passengers are too busy forming lines to be of any help.

Glitter and Sparkles (the dopey on-board entertainers) take charge by giving all the staff handguns and talking smack about the heroine. Then they hide in the toilet while Mr and Mrs Mandrel get the munchies and gorge themselves on baked potatoes.

The hero meanwhile has brought a sniffer dog but all it finds is a giant hairy monster in the skirting board and, if that wasn’t bad enough, someones weed in the corridors.

What a nightmare

Put on a pair of comfortable shoes, take the battery out of your clock, sit on the floor where your sofa used to be and throw some jelly around the room. Oh and you might need a hard-hat, we’re about to go plot-holing.

Yep, it’s time to talk about the Doctor Who adventure that’s so exciting, it doesn’t even get a name.

Sun, Sand, Sea and Sex…well two out of four’s not bad I suppose.

Tarrant goes on holiday to a timeshare he’s booked from a guy called Vern, unaware that it’s been double booked with a very image conscious politician. Her weekend at Vernie’s is turning into a rough night when they discover her ex-boyfriend dead in the cupboard. So when You, Me and Him turn up looking for Vern’s hidden valuables, there’s only one thing Tarrant and Servelan can do. Go to bed.

Meanwhile….back at the office.

After a very long argument about who tracked mud on to the meeting room carpet, the staff of Scorpio Inc. decide to have a Tarrant-free movie marathon; starting with The Italian Job, moving on to Star Trek IV and finishing with Carry On Again Doctor. Dayna’s impression of Jim Dale on a hospital trolley will be the talk of office parties for years.

The Doctor hatches a plan to finally rid himself of his most useless companion ever. He arrives in the swinging sixties and goes to a nightclub where he chats up a tramp, throws some shapes, picks up a dolly bird and a sailor and leaves with them in a taxi (the dirty old goat!). Then he hypnotises her into unconsciousness and has someone else dump her in a field somewhere in the countryside before he challenges a fruit and veg hating remote control tank to an outdoor wrestling match (He’s got the cape but thank god he doesn’t have a pair of glittery underpants).

When a giant envelope-sorting machine persuades people to build another one in the middle of a fireworks factory while they’re half asleep, the Doctor (un)screws with the second one's mind and convinces it to go and kill it’s daddy.

None of the other machines get finished because a vital elastic band shipment never arrives. What do you expect when you set your evil empire in the Post Office?

The Doctor leaves and everyone forgets…oh, you know….wotsername….well they forget her anyway.

Good.