theTimeVault

Och aye the Noo! Ye dinnae ken the trubbel ye coz when ye treps roon bonnie Scotland wi’out a kilt or haggis tae call yer ohn....

A toff falls down a hole in history while Polly and a Scottish bird prowl the moors at night looking to mug people. Ben does porridge with a man who plays the bagpipes and the Doctor collects hats while dressed as a washer woman!!

As the Doctor hides from the English soldiers, Ben tries sneaking off to Barbados (looking for a cushy life, no doubt) but changes his mind and goes swimming. Polly and her Caledonian counterpart get fruity with the troops before moving on from late-night mugging to blackmail, then to arms smuggling and finally, to kidnapping.

The Doctor brings the whole thing to a close by impersonating a German lawyer and incites a load of prisoners to riot! As the bodies pile up, Polly adopts the bagpipe man as a pet and they all make their getaway in the TARDIS.

In the end, there can be only…oh no, that’s the wrong series. Damn! Damn! Damn!....oh no, so’s that!

How do you clean up Italian politics? You have two men on the go at the same time, while a third spirits you away for clandestine meetings where a man who can’t speak shoots imaginary teddy bears that look like you before going for a nighttime swim, then you have a secret wedding and invite spies who can’t sew to fight over who gets to watch it in the most spyish way. And although you forget to invite one spy who gatecrashes the wedding and causes the musician to get shot, you flash your most winning smile and everything ends up smelling like roses.

You don’t invite Sharon and Sharon though; they’re too busy testing Uncle Dave’s suspension by banging away in the back of his new car. Ed can’t go because he’s getting all greased up with The Bimbo’s From Hell. Ros can’t go because she’s taken up plumbing and is having to sort out the mistakes made by the new girls when they put in some taps. Beckett might be able to make it. It all depends if he gets to ask a very VERY important question at exactly the right time.

Power Napping, Power Walking, Power Talking.

Power Houses, Power Stations, Power Plants and Power Rangers.

Wind Power, Wave Power, Solar Power and Battery Power.

Steam Power, Flower Power, Super Power and Turtle Power.

Executive Powers, Mental Powers, Higher Powers and Austin Powers

The Power of Love, The Power of Christ, The Power of Greyskull.

The Power of Positive Thinking and the POW-wer of the Dark Side.

All powers everywhere…yes, even P-P-P-Puppy Power….pale into insignificance, overpowered you might say, by the Power of the Daleks!!!!

Just remember to turn them off at the wall when you’re not using them.

Tegan’s keen to upgrade her driving licence. She’s already gone from car to ambulance and now she’s making the leap to time and space machine, but the engine’s over-heated and she’s got all hot and bothered. She needs to relax with a bit of indoor graffiti but she’s not quite at Banksy’s level yet.

The Doctor’s had a nasty fall and he now thinks the TARDIS needs one hell of a clear-out. Unfortunately, he also thinks the best way to do this is to wander the corridors putting on silly voices and taking his clothes off.

This scars Nyssa’s innocent teenage mind and the only way she can cope with things is to build coffins, throw wheelchairs into rivers and have secret meetings with her boyfriend in strange hotel rooms.

The Master hopes they can all get past these problems because he’s reserved a table for them at his new cliff-top restaurant. There’s only one thing on the menu, a plan sandwich; a steak of the biggest, nastiest, most evil plan ever devised wrapped between two slices of lightly smoked plan. And if that wasn’t evil enough, he’s only gone and stuck a stick of celery on top.

Bastard.

Your estranged wife just caught you exchanging fluids with your ex-girlfriend so she shot at you. Your ex-girlfriend’s not even interested, she only came round to borrow a cup of milk. But before you know it she’s moved in and your jealous butler’s tried to start a bitch fight.

You decide to avoid it all and spend the rest of the day in bed but your friends creep in while you’re asleep and cut your arm off. Out of sympathy a three-armed woman from another dimension cuts off one of hers and you try to seduce her by pretending to be yourself. Doesn’t work.

It’s going to be one of those days

Your open-air mime rehearsal doesn’t go so well when your only audience member leaves for the countryside and the company of corpses. Naturally, you take your mind off it by looking for an invisible house in the sky but somehow you end up punching a duck.

Confused, you decide to go to dinner with the most unlikely couple in all of time who are far more adept at the whole ‘trapped in a box’ thing than you ever could be. He’s a masochistic voyeur who doesn’t like to peep, She’s pillow phobic and talks to walls and their son is a creepy, badly dressed weirdo who hears voices and has THE worst handshake.

But you’ve been brought up to be polite so you ignore the family pet (which appears to be a butcher’s off-cut that lives in the skirting board) and sit down to dinner.

Just don’t eat the lamb. You don’t want to know where it’s been.

Ros is flying high with success and joins the mile spy club; she gets a private plane AND she gets to go in the cockpit. She does have to wear a ridiculous pair of glasses to watch the in-flight movie though. It’s the Twilight Zone and there’s this freaky little thing on the wing of the plane….

Beckett’s fortunes take a bit of a dive, he’s all pumped about getting involved in off-shore banking but his business partner leaves him all at sea when he jumps ship and decides to get stoned. Fortunately he has a sweet tooth and dies from a heart attack brought on by a dodgy pop-tart.

Ed plays with a mouse in a windmill. ahhh

Not to be confused with Legopolis, which uses a different type of block transfer computation (although it does explain Adric’s hair)

An air hostess has a disastrous first day when she gets on the wrong flight, shouts at the cabin crew and can’t find the emergency exit - although to be fair it’s a devil to get to.

A precocious math’s nerd can’t decide whether to spend the day measuring an infinite number of boxes or take part in the most boring planet-wide game of Battleships ever attempted.

A Pixie Princess from Planet Peace, like any teenager, has mood swings. Give her some gaudy bit of tat and tell her you’re her dead dad, she’ll kill her mates quick as you like.

An evil ringmaster goes to a lot of effort so that he can make a prank call to every answer machine in the universe…at the same time.

And the Doctor’s trying to drown himself, shrink himself, get arrested…basically anything to avoid having to go on the roof and fix the tv aerial so that the creepy dude in white with no mouth can stop staring at him and watch something else instead.

It’s distracting, he needs to be careful. The last thing he wants to do is fall o….oh.

What happens when a man who likes to climb tall buildings meets a man who likes to jump out of windows and they get into a car with a woman who knows how to use a fax machine?

You get a team of remorseless killers who like to spy on businesswomen’s muesli, steal strangers’ family photos, wear hideous yellow ties and pretend to be nice to old people before doing several different government agencies jobs for them without getting paid.

Bunch of amateurs.

Welcome to Traken the happiest, most harmonious place in all of N-space.

You’ve come at a bit of a bad time. Great Grandpappy Traken, King of Happiness, fell off his chair and died. Daddy Traken was supposed to take over as King but Mummy Traken hadn’t had her wedding night so she murdered Clever Uncle Traken and blamed it on Daddy. Old Auntie Traken, told Mummy to be King but Mummy was Maaaaaaddddddd. Madder than an ostrich on a ski-lift. She started wearing a fetish collar and put a moss-covered, bird poo-encrusted statue called Mouldy on the throne before locking it in a glass box.

Daddy Traken was in prison along with Weird Wedding Guest And His Son. But everyone forgot about his daughter, Naughty Princess Traken. She and Weird Wedding Guest And His Son's Son recently ‘experimented’ using special equipment in Daddy’s draw and she wanted more. She bribed, she shot, she jailbroke and then she went on the lam with her new boyfriend to wilfully sabotage civilisation as we know it.

Daddy Traken and Weird Wedding Guest watched Mummy Traken vanish to death and they set fire to the mouldy old statue forcing Stupid Uncle Traken (who didn’t know what was going on) to be King of Happiness.

Weird Wedding Guest And His Son left. But not before Weird Wedding Guest And His Son’s Son dumped Bad Pixie Princess Traken. She returned home only to find Daddy Traken had decided to get the master of all face-lifts and go on a joyride, leaving her to clean up…well…let’s be honest, HER mess.

So it’s all been a bit of a hugger-mugger really. Still, hope you enjoy your stay and make sure you’re gone before the two weeks are up. No seriously, two weeks is all you’ve got here.