theTimeVault

Is there a better way to celebrate the 60th Anniversary of Doctor Who than by ignoring it completely and talking over the 10th Anniversary of Doctor Who?

Nope, didn't think so.

It’s snow joke when the Doctor faces off against Hissing Sid.

ICE. It’s white, it’s slippery, you can skate on it and make beautiful sculptures out of it. It’s cool. But what they don’t tell you is that it makes you paranoid and convinces you that you’re living in the time of Oliver Cromwell.

Worst of all….aliens live in it! They live in it forever and ever and ever until you let them out. But you mustn’t let them out because the giant green monsters will kill you and then conquer the world! Beware!

Beware the ice!

Beware The Ice!

BEWARE THE IIIIIIICE!

(ahem)

Just think carefully the next time you want a glass of lemonade.

Some monks living on a hill are being terrorised by some giant furry things that may or may not be yeti. A mad explorer tries to get them to eat the Doctor (the yeti, not the monks) but they’re not interested because they’ve been trained by someone invisible who sounds like a pervert. The Doctor realises that the yeti’s one weakness is their balls.

A sure fire way to incapacitate the male of any species; No wonder they feel abominable.

The Doctor does his best Lara Croft impersonation when some maths teachers try to take over what looks like an intergalactic ice cream factory.

But it all comes down to the wires when the factory boss has a quarrel with the Hulk’s thinner, less chatty cousin and is ultimately defeated by a closed door (this happens a lot so clearly they’re more used to open-plan architecture).

The guy in charge of the budget must have been so relieved when he saw designs for this story’s spaceship. And who decided to name one of the villains after an item of clothing? Still, could’ve been worse, she could have been called Duffle Coat……or Thong.

Lucky escape.

The village is the worst place in the world.

It has the worst fair election campaign, the worst party guest, the worst personal assistant, the worst inspiring speeches, the worst town council meeting, the worst internal security system, the worst attempt to pretend you’re not surreptitiously keeping an eye on someone when you quite clearly are, the worst secret drinking establishment and the worst person to have a drink in the worst secret drinking establishment.

Doesn’t matter if it’s water, tea or genuine fake alcohol, one drop of anything and this top level spy keels over; it’s a good thing he doesn’t try the milk

And don’t get me started on the numbering system.

Somebody’s half-inched the TARDIS!!

A tramp makes a train set out of pepperpots, the daleks are experimenting with a new diet plan for Human beings and a man in a skirt is in for a spot of male bonding with a giant Turk. All this and there’s also a big nobbly thing with a megaphone and the most fearsome beard in history doing something dastardly with mirrors. And yet despite it all, the Doctor and Jamie go for a date at a café and pose for photographs. Like they’re not even bothered.

And who the Hell is Left-Handed Kenneth?

A man resigns from a job he doesn’t want, packs for a holiday and has a good old sleep on the way there. Staying in a well-furnished holiday cottage with a full maid service, during the days he goes for a ride on a helicopter, watches a local concert, wins a talent contest, plays with a beach ball down by the sea and goes for a boat ride with a rather nice woman he appears to be having a holiday romance with.

All in all it’s a show about a bloke having a nice time. Bit dull really.

The Doctor with a thousand ____s ____s overwhelming odds when he ____s-off against the ____less ones who put on a brave ____, even though they have to ____ the truth that they won’t be able to save ____. So the two-____d time lord goes ____ to ____ against a man without a ____ (which is quite tricky to do) but he doesn’t realise that his companions have ____d their fears one too many times and now have to ____ the fact that they can’t ____ it any longer and must get out of his ____.

So while everyone runs about trying not to fall flat on their ___s, the Doctor tries giving the ____less ones a blank look. But they’ve already got one.

After a French chauffeur lets one off in the Gizmos head office, it’s no longer fit for human habitation so they all have to find other work.

Roz tries her hand at marathon running, plumbing and truck driving and, as expected, at least two people snuff it.

Ed tries babysitting but the pre-teens all sneer at his lack of computer skills so he puts on a bathrobe and takes a job slapping inner city gym instructors for a paying audience.

Beckett goes back to his roots and starts investigating strange goings on.

What was so bad about a man that literally no-one notices when he’s blown up in-front of his colleagues? Why have two criminal brothers bought up all the paint and dye in London so that the whole city can only dress or build things in red and blue? and why is the mother of a kidnapped child only concerned that she’s not eating enough greens?

He has to cut his investigations short though because someone gave Son of Kong a bazooka and some dinosaur biscuits and the sugar rush has made him go out in to the car park to blow up trees. There’s only one solution for that…..Glue!

After a French chauffeur lets one off in the Gizmos head office, it’s no longer fit for human habitation so they all have to find other work.

Roz tries her hand at marathon running, plumbing and truck driving and, as expected, at least two people snuff it.

Ed tries babysitting but the pre-teens all sneer at his lack of computer skills so he puts on a bathrobe and takes a job slapping inner city gym instructors for a paying audience.

Beckett goes back to his roots and starts investigating strange goings on.

What was so bad about a man that literally no-one notices when he’s blown up in-front of his colleagues? Why have two criminal brothers bought up all the paint and dye in London so that the whole city can only dress or build things in red and blue? and why is the mother of a kidnapped child only concerned that she’s not eating enough greens?

He has to cut his investigations short though because someone gave Son of Kong a bazooka and some dinosaur biscuits and the sugar rush has made him go out in to the car park to blow up trees. There’s only one solution for that…..Glue!