theTimeVault

All together now

Aaaaaaa-geeeeee-ddor-dor-dor

Push a statue, shake a spear

Ageddor-dor-dor

Make your people quake with fear

Kill a friend, rig a fight

All of your guests will hiss and squeak

That's enough for tonight

Do it again same time next week

Travis and Servelan go on a team building exercise where she claims the title of most inappropriately dressed spelunker in the universe and loses a bet with Blake after he wins a paperweight wrapped in christmas lights by fondling an old man's tits.

The rest of the Liberator crew are busy sweating, vomiting, dressing up, playing with remote control spaceships and getting into an unusual situation with a pair of electronic leotards.

So it's a pretty normal day for everyone. Now if only Gan could channel the Force...

Day of the Daleks explained…

The Long Version

A shiny quisling and a man with a whip find some dirty tins in a cupboard, which are five years out of date and have gone bad. they are so hazardous to health that the Human race is brought to it's knees and the only things they can manufacture are skips and very slow quad bikes with a wheel missing. A street gang full of people who are too old to be in a street gang pass the time by killing historical figures and pretending to be ghosts but they stumble across some space gorillas who've stolen the tins and gone to a boring party in the English countryside. The fact that they've all got the day wrong and find the Doctor and Jo having fun with ropes and gags in the cellar might, just might, cause some complications.

The Short Version

Cheese stealer, pasty face, guerrillas, gorillas, tunnels and pants.

We think the short version makes more sense.

Opportunity knox for Pussy, Tilly, Mai Ling and Dink - The Goldfinger Singers - as their manager, Gertie, gets them their biggest ever gig in the US of A, putting on a show for the troops. But tragedy strikes as their bodyguard (an ex painter and decorator who really doesn't like golf balls) would rather spend all his time planning a school for haberdashery themed assassins and lets a rather fanatical fan dressed as a duck slip through backstage. It's alright though, Gertie defuses the situation by inviting the fan round for a nut roast!

Sadly, the Goldfinger Singers' performance puts the entire US Army to sleep! Still, it could have been worse.

It could have been the Beatles.

or…Confessions of a Scientific Advisor.

Doctor Who's sexual tension gets a right seeing-to in the horniest story of them all.

Sergeant Benton pulls the local busybody, the Brigadier gets a bed scene, Yates' chopper explodes all over a strange man, the Doctor draws a giant breast, everyone does a fertility dance and the Master keeps hiding in the crypt to secretly summon the horny beast.

With a chicken.

Finally, after the Doctor and Jo share a bed, Yates misjudges the moment and asks his boss to dance. honestly, there must be something in the water.

The Liberator crew aren't being chased by anyone so they have a bit of time to themselves…

Blake goes camping and breaks a few records with a puppet and a gramophone.

Jenna flirts with a very persistent Turkish Delight salesman, while Vila experiments with the kind of necklace you'd usually find in a six year old girl's dressing up box.

Avon discovers that he really is God and Gan relaxes by beating up a load of poorly educated homeless men with speech impediments.

As for Cally, her newly developed talent for canine mimicry causes her to fail basic camouflage training and so Blake makes her spend 35 minutes lying face down on the floor.

Please, somebody start chasing them again.

The Master steals a small red model aeroplane from the High Council of the Time Lords so they send the Doctor and Jo to the Planet of the Blind Mime Artists to get it back.

They meet some Human colonists who find life on the planet so dull they've perfected the art of open-air mud wrestling, a bunch of intergalactic miners who can't understand how they came last in a Build-Your-Own Godzilla competition, and a squeaky midget who lives in a wall safe.

When the quiet blinky ones take Jo hostage, the Doctor must negotiate for her freedom…… anyone for Charades?

One Valerie Leon just isn't enough. Especially in this tale about a sleepy, scantily clad amputee with an ornament fetish, who takes revenge on a bunch of peeping toms after they break into her bedroom and move stuff.

She won't go down in history as one of the all-time great revenge killers though; she lets her mind wander and it takes her about 20 years to get started. Even then she can't be bothered to get out of bed, so she has to rely on her more sensibly dressed look-alike to scare the bejeezus out of a few pensioners by moving some statues about.

I don't care what other people might think; Death by Feng Shui won't get you in anyone's top ten.

It's a U.N.I.T. night out and they've chosen to go to the new Italian restaurant down the road, Axonite's

The Brig argues with the regular military over who's going to pay, the Master turns up even though he wasn't invited and one of their guests insults the Doctor's equipment so they spend the rest of the night arguing about who's is biggest.

Jo loses her appetite after she gets lost in the kitchens and sees the chef doing something with a giant frog and the American liaison has waaay too much to drink, starts seeing double and punches himself in the face.

All in all, a typical night out……

Until someone orders the spaghetti bolognese. Nobody was expecting it to be THAT spicy!

The crew of the Liberator go on one of those team-building exercises, you know the kind of thing, a bit of potholing, spaceship racing, flamethrower avoidance, suicidal vortex diving, a rather easy game of hide and seek and hitting each other over the head with bits of the ship.

Travis wants to join in but the scantily clad fem-bot he brings with him upsets everyone so he throws a strop and gets his evil balls out.

There's only one thing you can do after an experience like that…but Gan does his Captain Caveman impression instead.

It doesn't go down well.