What a pair!

The local schoolteacher finds them to be a right handful, the God-fearing puritans struggle to get to grips with first one then the other; even the vampire on the hill can't wait to start sucking on them.

Honestly, they just can't contain themselves. Careful handling is advised.

What?

I know she's got a sister, they're twins. What did you think I was talking about?

Think of all the monsters that you've ever heard about

Like Sea Devil, Krynoid, Rutan and Slitheen

There are lots of weird monsters in the Universe

But have you ever seen an Auton that is green?

Seen!

An Auton that is positively green?

Well that's because there aren't any,

There really aren't any

An Auton isn't eco-LOG-ic-ally sound

They're not bio-degradable

They're made of plastic with no voice, they're just a

Massive tool

They'll kill us all 'cos they're Autons

They're bloodthirsty Autons

They want to wipe out our race

Because they're silent, violent, take a long time to melt

Plastic (and drastic) from feeeeeet to faaaaaaaaaaaaaaace

(bom ba dom bom ba dom bom)

So you're planning to conquer the Galaxy?

Do you have a big, villainous beard, treacherous subordinates with slightly smaller villainous beards, nameless minions with pvc uniforms and weird guns?

Do you have an air of menacing authority, a bold, inventive, never been done before plan involving fog, mud, designer glasses and pop art wallpaper?

If the answer to all these is a big YES, then you're ready to begin.

Just make sure that you stop off on the way and get yourself an arch nemesis and your own personal fanfare.

How come metal wigs never took off as a fashion accessory? They're shiny, long lasting (barring rust), work brilliantly as a hard hat, available in different styles (the one being modelled here is in a rather attractive beehive with parting) and you can decorate them yourself.

Okay, you'll never be able to look down without falling over and fridge magnets will suddenly become a nuisance but that's not many downsides.

A professional cat impressionist with an outdated sense of dress, a medically recognised allergy to sunlight and a desperate need for some dental work is unfairly victimised by a bunch of squatters who've quite clearly mistaken his stately home for the Three Bears cottage (they sit in his chairs, eat his food and sleep in his beds).

It's obviously not a fairytale though because after barging into the poor man's home and helping themselves to all his stuff, they creep into his bedroom to do who knows what and he's forced to defend himself.

When Reservoir Priest turns up on the side of the squatters though, it just gets nasty.

Victimisation by the church of lonely, disabled social outcasts and upper class English tourists behaving like common criminals… Honestly, what is the world coming to?

Lisssping lizardssss plan to spread their seed across the planet (eurgh!) and invade, but the Doctor gets them to agree to a dancing competition; the winner get's the Earth.

His largely improvised routine is lots of running about and arm waving, which can't compete when the Martians get their best warrior to do 'the robot'. The judges (a posh bird and two old blokes with saggy trousers who work for a flying carpet manufacturer) reluctantly give that round to the Ice Warriors.

While Earth's security forces all go for a bubble bath, it looks like mankind is finished as the Glam Rock Marshal and his Disco Lizards plan a show-stopping number in the final round……

Can the Doctor, Jamie and Zoe's last minute rain dance win them the trophy?

Blake's 5 settle down to a quiet night in on the sofa with some stickers, a bag of mints, a massive stash of treasure and an inflatable spanner, but the evening's spoilt by the gate-crashing antics of a violent religious psychopath, some elderly gladiators and a ventriloquist without a dummy.

Something tells me this party's going to end with a BANG…

I tried to come up with something for this one that didn't resort to using a joke about soup…I failed.

"Doctor, Doctor, there's a giant crystalline monster with a funny voice in my soup!"

"Don't you mean waiter?"

"No, no. It's definitely a giant crystalline monster with a funny voice"

Bu-dum! Tsh!

Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen, we're here all week. Don't forget to tip your Kroton

or Hammer (The Christopher Lee Tribute Band Goes Back to School)

An all-girl boarding school with a see-through dress code, a headmistress perverting the course of justice, a history teacher who worships the undead and a new member of staff called Dick who's desperate to introduce all the girls to his richard (or something like that)…

That's right, in the best tradition of shows like Panorama and News Night, we look at a fly-on-the-wall documentary about the declining standards in education.

With added blood and tits.

Cyberman, Cyberman

Does whatever an emotionless, semi-organic, flesh-filled exoskeleton can

Hard to miss, rather large

Wouldn't fit in a barge

Look out! Here comes a Cyberman

Is he strong?

Don't make me laugh

He could break anyone in half

To fight this thing you'll need balls

Just don't do it outside St Pauls

No, no……Don't tease the Cyberman

He's a gleeeeeming giant

That just waaaaants to attack

So start ruuuuuunning now

Really fast, don't look baaaack

Cyberman, Cyberman

Nasty twin planet Cyberman

Doesn't like to smile or hug

His head would look good as a mug

To him, it's good to shine and menace

Won't catch him playing tennis

He is a Cybermaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.