Things That Will Burn In Hell with Phoenix West

Everyone climb aboard the STD bus! Next was a shitty "game show" on MTV or something. It featured shallow people judging other shallow people in an attempt to find love. Love meaning a 40 second hump in the bus bathroom. NEXT!

Remember that show where they threw Pimp My Ride at the Jeff Foxworthy crowd? C'mon, you remember! The show where they pretended to steal big rigs from trucks to fix them up and then the trucker would show back up with his trucking lap mic and transmitter! It. Just. Made. Sense.

It's a serious problem that effects half of the population. Well... the men that aren't bald that use shampoo. It's a goddamn problem and we need to hold the shampoo companies responsible. We will have our revenge! We must band together! Once we wake up on the tile floor we will merge and unite as one!

The greatest trick a magician can pull is paying their bills. As well as others. Fuck magic. If you're so good at magic, here's a trick for you. Kill yourself. But make it look like a murder framing someone super famous. If you can pull it off we will consider you an artist. If you fail we are all still better off. It's win-win.

To be fair, there are a lot of super attractive women attending these things. But it would be like if they put a 20 minute, hardcore, gay sex scene in the middle of Toy Story. Sure, it's still a great movie but afterward all you can really think about is that gay sex scene and why it was there to begin with. Is she broken? All indications point to yes. Anyway, avoid renaissance festivals because of all the hardcore gay sex or something. I don't know. The analogies are too mixed up now.

In the words of Paula Cole, 'Where Have All The Cowobys Gone?' Indeed, Paula, indeed. Hell, even if we cast Paula Cole in a movie now she'd be more manly than most of the men currently leading films. In fact, let's get her in Superman gear and get her flying, dammit!

Want to walk down the streets with a megaphone screaming, "Hey, everybody! I'm a huge asshole!" but also feel like spending a ton of money? Why not pour all of your paychecks into turning your car into a mobile ear-drum rapist? Violate the citizens in style!

Grammar be hard. So hard, yo. And weather nor not your a geneyus or not it is hard to remember witch words two use when righting a post online. This simple and ez to rmbr video will help u to keep them strait. Get out a pen and paper and keep notes. Srsly.

Quick! I need to look like an untouchable painting! What do I do? Well, have I got an idea for you. Here, smear this red wax all over your lips so nobody wants to touch you. But don't stop there. Also put on this blue cream around your eyes so people are confused what planet you came from. Just keep going until you're more make-up than person. Enjoy your solitude.

What's your favorite treat that comes with a hearty cock center? Why it's popcorn of course! Hate your teeth? Hate flavor? Hate your health? Try popcorn! Now available in a handful of terrible flavors!