Things That Will Burn In Hell with Phoenix West

I don't have a big enough ego to need to be have a small, underground, studio apartment when I'm dead. Just burn my body to ashes like an old, embarrasing Polariod from college. Or not. Just let me rot where I fall. It doesn't matter. I'm dead. So you're probably too busy celebrating to get any body removing done.

Want to know what to feel during a movie trailer but can't rely on silly things like the visuals and audio in the trailer? How about if some scary or soothing voiced man tells you EXACTLY what you should be feeling via use of Hollywood buzz words? Get off your tractor and watch their movie already!

In a world where things only happen to beautiful people and ugly villains, a 30-ish male, model is forced to face a dangerous and secret organization. With the help of his distractingly hot female co-star, can they overcome the bad guy/girl/organization in a short amount of time which can be stretched or condensed depending on what the film needs the time to be? Since it's a movie, they almost certainly can and will. I guess you don't need to watch this movie anymore. Sorry for wasting your time...

The ocean is a big, wet bitch and should be avoided regardless of shark quantity. The ocean is a great way to find a surprise syringe in your child's foot. The ocean makes a terrible setting for films.

This is a very sexual take on fast food. Or is it? I don't know. I guess that depends on your definition of sexy you disgusting, garbage human, you. Regardless, it's the first of many poems on this show.

Face tattoos are the most effecient way to let everyone else know you're probably not a reliable human being and to just look elsewhere when handing out opportunities. So actually, thank you face-tattooed people for saving us all time and energy.

Well we're in full man-bun mode lately so this felt like perfect timing to release this episode about guys with long hair. Actually it was just the next chapter of the book so deal with it. This episode gives you strict guidelines of when it's okay to be a guy with long hair. Obey all commands within this episode.

I envision a bike-free future. A world where the cycles of bi are a thing of the past. A world where our children are free to walk along the sidewalk without fear of hearing someone scream "on your left" as they blow by, grazing their arms and leaving them with a graphic shot of their assholes as they speed off. A world where our drunk drivers fear not of hitting a guy on a bicycle that is riding on the road, obeying none of the traffic laws. A world without Lance Armstrong and all the bullshit baggage that's attached to that sack of shit.

Why is dancing in movies the ONE time the ghetto has unusually high standards? It doesn't make sense. Oh, and also, dancing isn't a job. Nor is it a sport. It's just a thing that's sometimes fun that you can do to pass the time. And sure as shit don't do it on the goddamn sidewalk. It's called a sideWALK not a sideDANCE.

Pick one, you dicks. It can't be both.