Things That Will Burn In Hell with Phoenix West

Well it's football season. Or it was. Or it will be. Either way, time for the NFC North fans to paint their guts and start screaming for their terrible teams. This is coming from a Vikings fan, mind you. Do. Not. Paint. Your. Full. Body. For. Football. Or. Any. Other. Reason. Other. Than. To. Trick. Zombies. Into. Thinking. You're. Also. A. Zombie.

Fuck cowboy hats. And boots. And music. And life. End it. Or not. I guess it's really not that big of a deal.

Want to throw your money in the garbage but want to add some flair to it? Then a casino is for you. Go ahead, waste your hard-earned money on that shit.

Anime is boring. Anime is boring. Anime is boring. Except most of Death Note. Other than that, anime is boring. Anime is boring. Anime is colorful flashing boring.

Can't play sports but desperately want to watch sports while drinking away your life remember when you could play said sports? Then welcome to your local sports bar. Check out the north corner of the bar for the elderly band pretending to be rockstars. Yes, it's delusion all around at your local sports bar!

Is there any worse automobile to be stuck behind than a van? At least with a semi-truck you can pass it off as a man doing his job. But a van driver is not working...unless making meth and snatching up children is a job. Just because something takes up your whole day doesn't make it a job.

Writing your feelings in poem form is not an art. It's just a shorthand diary at that point. We do not want to read your boring diary. Just learn to be clever about it. Deal? Good.

Your alien overlords demand that you stare at speakers when someone is speaking over them. I can't think of another reason everyone stares at them in public. Obviously it's left-over survival instincts to stare at noises to determine if it's a threat or not but you can go ahead and stop looking once you realize it's only a speaker.

Horseback riding is fun. There is no denying that. Horses throw people off of them. There is no denying that. They do not want you on their spines. Obviously. This should be common knowledge.

For the first official video episode of Things That Will Burn In Hell, Phoenix discusses a sensitive subject to all of you victims out there. That of course is the creepy nature of men with mustaches. Or women with mustaches. Anyone with hair only on their lip. Stop it. Just stop it. For the sake of the children. The children.....