This Little Light of Mine - Leading Yourself Through the Fire of Religious Trauma

WARNING: content in this episode contains 1) explicit homophobic and transphobic beliefs, positioning, and scripting from Evangelical and Catholic Churches.

2) actual examples of conversion therapy sessions used against LGBTQ2S+ children.

3) politicians promoting the use of conversion therapy.

Welcome to a special topic episode on our current fight for a national ban against conversion therapy in Canada.

Thankfully this topic probably doesn’t enter the minds of 99% of humans… and yet this topic continues to cause adverse childhood trauma, ongoing mental health challenges, and is one of the leading causes of LGBTQ2S+ suicide.

Bill C-6 is the Canadian government's plan to implement a nationwide ban on conversion therapy.  In response, our evangelical and catholic churches are fighting to keep this lethal practice alive. Our LGBTQ2S+ children are being harmed by the homophobic church.

Where do you stand on inclusion in your life, your world, your church, and your home?   

Are you going to stand up for love and help protect the lives of all of God’s children?  

Where does your church stand on full inclusion for all people?  

The children who grow up in the church need our protection.  You may not hear their cry but they need your help.  Will you help them?

Episode Links:

Canadaland podcasts

Bill C-6 third reading

Hello and welcome to Episode 29 of This Little Light Of Mine.  My name is James Powell and I’m glad that you’re able to join me for the final episode of season one! 

I can’t believe that it’s already been over a year since I first embarked on this soul-searching journey of healing, forgiveness, and recovery!

In today’s final story episode for season one I walk you through the final years of my life leading up to my eventual breakdown and surrender. 

TRIGGER WARNING: In today’s episode I will be talking about suicidal ideation.  As always, I encourage all listeners to be gentle with themselves, listen to your own bodies and to proceed with loving intent, knowing that it’s okay to stop and/or take breaks.  For some, you may need to skip this episode and that’s okay.  It will be here when you are ready.

Thank you again for being part of This Little Light Of Mine and for helping me to bring more love into our world.  This Little Light Of Mine will return in late summer 2021 with new episodes that stand up for love and prioritize mental health, emotional health, and spiritual health in your life and the lives of all people.

If you’ve enjoyed season one of This Little Light Of Mine or think some of the episodes may help bring hope, understanding, or love to someone in your life, I’d love your help sharing these episodes.  Would you go to Apple Podcasts to rate and review? Don't forget to subscribe yourself so you don’t miss any of season two?  I’d also love to keep in touch over the summer.  You can follow me on IG @the_jamespowell.

Thanks you so much listening and remember, you are wanted, you are worth fighting for, you are needed and you are loved.

James.

Hello and welcome to Episode 28 of This Little Light Of Mine.  My name is James Powell and I’m glad that you’re able to join me for the second part of my interview with my parents.

If you haven’t already listened to the first part of our conversation, I would encourage you to hop back one episode so that you have the chance to catch our full conversation.

The response to Ep27 and the first part of our chat has been overwhelming, affirming, and eye-opening.  Thank you for sharing so much of your raw emotion, personal reflections, and insights with me.

Families truly are some of the most complicated relationships that we have.  AND these relationships can be up, down, and all over the place.

Trust me, the relationships within our family are constantly in flux and we’re all slowly learning that part of being human is to embrace this discomfort.

Sitting down with my parents like this I heard some of the words that I’ve been waiting to hear for my entire life.

I am so incredibly proud of the vulnerability, honesty, strength, and love that my parents brought into this conversation.  I’m also proud that I was able to bring the same.  As I listened back and editing these episodes, I was blown away at how we all showed up.  

A HUGE thank you to my parents for opening up and joining me for this conversation.  I almost didn’t ask you because I assumed your answer would be no.  I’m glad I didn’t listen to that fearful voice.  Thank you for your vulnerability, your courage, your support, and your love.  There have been a handful of times where I’ve felt your love and support for WHO I am as a person and this is one of them.  Thank you for seeing me, for loving me, and for living together with me in our world of gray.

Here are some of the references my parents shared during our conversation:

Cross in the Closet - Timothy Kurek

For the Bible Tells Me So - Daniel Karslake

Boy Erased - with Lucas Hedges, Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe

Matthew Shepard Story

And thank you to all of you who have been listening along, sharing your thoughts, opinions, and challenges with me as each of you learn to navigate, live, grow, and thrive within our many shades of gray.  I’d like to invite each of you back in two weeks’ time for the last episode of S01 of This Little Light Of Mine.  

In my final story episode of the season, I come full circle and I talk about some of the uncomfortable events in my professional, personal, and spiritual life that helped me to hit bottom and break open so that I could finally start to see and to remember the light inside of me that has always been shining bright.

Until then. Wherever you are on this journey, know that you are loved unconditionally by God who made you exactly as you are.

You are created for spiritual growth that embraces your full humanity.  You are designed to learn, grow, thrive, and evolve, even if that process causes you some awkward and uncomfortable growing pains.

You are loved.

James

Hello and welcome to Episode 27 of This Little Light Of Mine.  My name is James Powell and I’m glad that you’re able to join me for today’s interview episode.

Families can be some of the most complicated relationships that we have.  Adding elements of religion and queerness can be like adding fuel to an already roaring fire.

On today’s episode I’m joined with Christian parenting experts, LGBTQ2S+ advocates, and the earthly creators of me… yup, this is the first part of my interview with my Mom & Dad.

As you’ll hear, I was pretty nervous and awkward when starting this conversation, but wow, am I ever glad that I pushed through those messy feelings.

What I think we all realized after having this conversation is how poorly we’ve all been at asking many of the questions that we’ve been holding onto for years.

One thing that I’ve been repeatedly reminded of during my recovery journey is that we are only as sick as our secrets.  As much as I’ve tried to keep some of these awkward and uncomfortable conversations in, it doesn’t do anything for the healing process, in fact, it hurts it.  Keeping silent and not having an authentic conversation was keeping me trapped in my head and living in my past.

Uncomfortable conversations are part of the journey, these are signs that you are growing.  That being said, there is a big difference between being uncomfortable and being unsafe.  I wasn’t ready to have many of these conversations when I was younger because I felt unsafe.   

You might be in a similar position in your life right now.  Only you will know your own situation and I encourage you to go inside and to listen to what you know is true for you.  Don’t force these situations and make yourself feel wrong if you feel you are not safe in having them.

Wherever you are on this journey, know that you are loved unconditionally by God who made you exactly as you are.

You are created for spiritual growth that embraces your full humanity.  You are designed to learn, grow, thrive, and evolve, even if that process causes you some awkward and uncomfortable growing pains.

You are loved.

I always dreamed that there would be peace on the other side of the rainbow.  I thought that once I was fully out to my family, there would be no more secrets, and everything would be good. 

I had always been so terrified and fixated on coming out to my family, that I never really looked beyond that point.  The years that followed were some of the loneliest of my life

Coming out of the closet with my family simply meant that I was no longer hiding one aspect of my life.  People talk about having a huge weight lifted from their shoulders after coming out, for me, my anxiety and depression increased

What have you observed in your life?  When you’ve come out of the closet and shared something big in your life, did you feel like a giant weight was lifted?  Or did you continue to experience uncomfortable shifts and changes like I did?

What I’m learning and experiencing is that ‘coming out’ is not a one-time event only for LGBTQ2S+ humans.  Coming out is an ongoing lifetime process for every single one of us.

James

http://www.thislittlelightofmine.ca

Hello and welcome to Episode 25 of This Little Light Of Mine.  My name is James Powell and I’m glad that you’re able to join me for today’s interview episode, ‘Not defining’.

On today’s episode I’m joined with orientation advocate Mark Smith and his wife Victoria.  Mark runs a support site for anyone struggling with their orientation.  He has an expanded heart and focus on humans who may be questioning, undefined, changing, Bi+, or fluid.  

Before we jump into our conversation with Mark and Vic let’s pause, for a few minutes to reflect on the topic of orientation.  How exactly do you define a person’s orientation?  How do you define your own orientation?

Is orientation static?  Does it change over time?  Is it fluid? Is your specific orientation defined and spelled out in the Bible?  Does your orientation automatically indicate who you’re having sex with?

What about the term bisexuality?  What comes up for you around this term?  What thoughts, stories or preconceived notions do you have around someone who might identify as bisexual?

With some of your own perceptions top of mind, you're now ready for today's interview with Mark and Vic called ‘Not defining’.

I sat in a chair facing my parents who sat on opposite ends of a sofa on the other side of the room. With one glance at my mom’s already watering eyes I knew that I was about to be devastated.

My father started out with the words, ‘We have reasons to believe that you may be struggling with same-sex attraction’.

This is the start of my toxic outing.

Show links:

NOTE: Trigger warning for homophobia, religious &. spiritual abuse, and misappropriation of God

Ravi Zacharias (RZIM International) - 'Christian' view of homosexuality

RZIM Confirms Ravi Zacharias' Sexual Misconduct

On today’s episode I’m joined with author Marc-Henri Sendoz Paradella. Marc-Henri’s new book Toxic Jesus – A Journey from Holy Shit to Spiritual Healing is creating international acclaim in progressive Christian, deconstruction and religious trauma circles.

Marc-Henri has a fascinating story of deep faith, questioning, deconstruction and reconstruction.

Don’t forget, if you want the chance to win your very own copy of Toxic Jesus all you need to do is subscribe, rate and leave a review of This Little Light Of Mine on Apple Podcasts. Next story episode I will choosing one of the reviewers and will send them their own copy of Marc-Henri’s newest book so they can devour it themselves.

For those of you not yet familiar with Marc-Henri, he grew up in Europe and was the son of a charismatic Pentecostal minister. As a young boy, Marc-Henri was spiritually and psychologically abused, as he forced to undergo multiple public faith healings to cure him of a leg impairment. Despite the insistence of his church and his family that Marc-Henri had been healed by God, Marc-Henri and his medical doctors continually confirmed that no healing and no change had taken place.[/caption]

Feeling lost, confused, and angry Marc-Henri internalized these messages at a very young age. He believed there was something wrong with him and that he was broken and unwanted by God but put on a brave face and kept pushing forward. He studied Protestant theology at the University of Geneva and fulfilled what he thought was his life mission when he became a pastor of an evangelical church for over 15 years.

But Marc-Henri’s internalized messages of shame and unworthiness never went away. By not addressing his toxic shame, the parts of him and his beliefs that he tried to exile had only grown stronger. His deep questioning of his faith led him to resign when he realized that he could no longer run away from who he was truly designed to be.

Toxic Jesus shares how Marc-Henri faced his shadows, began long-term therapeutic and integrative work and began his process of deconstruction and reconstruction. In that process he discovered the need to grow into a deeper and renewed spirituality, one that would fully take into account what was happening to him, without sugar-coating or falling into the magical thinking he was taught as a child. He found a spirituality that would truly help him to face reality. And as he calls it, a “no bullshit” spirituality that will always be a work in progress.

It’s 2021… we made it!  Hello, and welcome Episode 22 of This Little Light Of Mine.  My name is James Powell and I’m glad that you’re able to join me for today’s story episode, ‘Validate me’.

It feels good to be here and to share more of an upbeat and lighter story episode with you today.  And that’s what this episode is all about, validation and feeling good.

In today’s story episode I’m shedding many of the awkward, scared, small and unwanted masks of my school years.  This period of my life is my coming out and reinvention.   And man, did it ever feel good!

As I reflect back on this period of time it’s incredible to see how fast I jumped at all of these opportunities.  I look back with awe and wonder at the cockiness, confidence and zest for life that I had.  To be honest, sometimes I wish I could steal some of that and bring that into present day.

I was on an ego upswing and after spending most of my life locked away in a closet of shame and self-hatred my new life of freedom was everything that I dreamed of… or so I thought.

Back at this time in my life I wasn’t even conscious of the new double life that I had created.  I didn’t see the all too familiar trap that I was sprinting towards.  I didn’t see how my circumstances had changed but that I hadn’t changed.

External validation was the intoxicating drug that I used as a life support for my flat lining self-esteem.  And damn, that drug works great!  But what I didn’t realize was how addictive it was. Once I got a taste of positive external validation I couldn’t stop.  I always needed more.

So, what about you?  Have you ever got hooked on external validation?  Are you crushed when you don’t get the number of likes you NEED on Instagram?  Or what about feedback?  Are you able to accept honest feedback or do you need to surround yourself in an echo chamber of people that look like you, act like you and think like you?

Welcome to the journey towards healthy self-esteem!

If you haven’t joined our community on Instagram or Facebook, I’d invite you to visit @MyLightShinesBright and make sure to check out our Trauma Tuesday posts from December, January and February where we’ll be focusing on self-esteem.

I’m looking forward to being with you in two-weeks’ time with author Marc-Henri Sandoz Paradella to talk about his new book Toxic Jesus and his journey from Holy Shit to Spiritual Healing.

I’m really excited to share Marc-Henri’s work and I want to give away a free copy of ‘Toxic Jesus’ to a listener of This Little Light Of Mine. 

For your chance to win all you need to do is subscribe, rate and leave a review of This Little Light Of Mine on Apple Podcasts. Next story episode I will choose one of the reviews and send you your very own copy of Toxic Jesus and the journey from Holy Shit to Spiritual Healing.

Until then, be safe and know that you are loved.

James

Wow... what a rollercoaster of year. As much as we love to pretend that we're in control of our lives, 2020 is definitely a year that proves that 'anything can happen'.

It isn't hard to look back on 2020 and say THANK GOODNESS THAT'S OVER. But have you taken the opportunity to look at what you've learned about yourself in the past 12 months? How have you grown as a human in the last year? And maybe even go as far as to think about what's made you proud of YOU in 2020.

Like most of us, 2020 has been full of ups and downs for me.

After a lifetime of hiding so many parts of my life, never did I think I would ever share so openly about religious trauma & spiritual abuse, mental health, addiction, suicide and so many of the developmental challenges that I've faced because I was born gay and grew up in the evangelical church.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for hearing me. Thank you for sharing some of your time to know me.

Isn't that what we're all searching for? To be heard. To be seen. To be known. To be loved.

As we close out the year I'd love for you to consider supporting Beloved Arise as they build a space that fights for queer youth of faith.

Beloved Arise is in the home stretch of their 'Build the Future' campaign and I'm here to publicly pledge my support and to ask you to consider the same.

How will your support be used?

• to build a weekly rhythm of inclusive youth group activities that can be access from around the world
• mental wellness programming, community service projects, spiritual programming and social gatherings... just like a church youth group... but one that affirms everyone
• creation of a BelovedArise app to create a SAFE space for youth to connect, have small groups and to access resources
• a new trauma informed mental wellness program designed to help LGBTQ+ youth overcome hopelessness, embrace their wholeness and flourish as young adults.

I know that 2020 has been a tough year for so many but I know and trust that support for Beloved Arise will not only help young adults flourish.

It will save lives.

So what about you? What's your 2020 wrap up look like? I'd love to hear some of the things that you've learned about yourself.

I'm looking forward to sharing my next story episode called 'Sweet Validation' with all of you on Thursday January 7th, 2021

Thank you again for all of your support, encouragement, love and community this year. 2020 has been a wild ride but as they say... the best is yet to come.

I hope you all have a safe and healthy New Year

You are loved.

James.