This Little Light of Mine - Leading Yourself Through the Fire of Religious Trauma

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Matthias Roberts, host of Queerology, therapist and author joins us to share some of his personal experiences with shame AND insights from his new book ‘Beyond Shame'.

I really appreciate when a therapist, author and expert on ‘shame’ is able to walk the talk when it comes to vulnerability.

The definition of vulnerability that Mattias’ shared that talks about our capacity to be wounded… that shot an arrow that pierced my soul and gives me a really clear goal to work towards when I think of my own healing path.

I’ve been a big fan of Brene Brown for years and have used her definitions around vulnerability in my own life, with teams at work, in coaching and consulting engagements. She talks about vulnerability as:

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.” 

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

As I take a step back and look at vulnerability as my capacity of being wounded, I can see how “cleansed”, “socially acceptable” and “corporatized” these definitions are.

The capacity to be wounded is next level.  It’s raw, messy and puts everything on the line.  It is also the exact antithesis to how I taught myself to live my life.

My entire life objective was DON’T LET THEM SEE HOW HURT YOU ARE.

So what about you?  Do you live your life from a place of vulnerability?

Are you opening yourself to the potential of being wounded with your friends, family or partner?

What about work?  Do you approach your job from a place of vulnerability, or do you go into every situation with your battle shields up?

We live in a society that worships certainty and control so that we don’t ever get wounded.  

• Don’t ask a question that you don’t know the answer to.  
• Have a contingency plan for your contingency plan.
• Don’t ever let them see you cry

What if we flipped that switch?  What would our world look like?  What would your job look like?  What would your relationships look like?  

Who would you be if you lived beyond shame?

Thank you so much for joining us today and I look forward to connecting with you in two-weeks’ time for our next story episode called ‘God hates figs’… and no it’s not an episode about fruits… well actually it is an episode about what I was taught that God thought about fruits… but sidenote… did you know that a fig is actually a flower and not a fruit?

Thank you again for being with us today and before I go, I want to remind you.

Your story is important.  You were designed with a powerful voice.  We need to hear what you have to say.  You matter, you are needed, you are wanted, and you are loved.

humankind.work

Hello and welcome to Episode 9 of This Little Light Of Mine.  My name is James Powell and I’m glad that you’re able to join me for today’s episode, Seeds of Shame.

Before I get started I want to give a big shout out to a few community members who are blowing me away with their sharing, encouragement and insights as we discover, heal and grow forward in love together.

• Poulami from Lit.Wings in India
• Mark aka NotDefining in the UK
• Sway from Polite but Savage podcast coming out of Dubai
• Harvey from New Zealand
• Michael from New York

In today’s episode I’m taking you WAY back to some of my earliest memories from a pre-school Jimmy (yup… I was Jimmy back then).  As I do my own inner child work and travel back to ages 3/4/5/6 I can clearly see the imprint of early trauma and can almost pinpoint where toxic shame entered my life as a young boy.

What I’ve learned in recovery is that trauma comes from the inhibition of emotion AND the earlier in life that you start to block or supress your emotions the deeper the damage can be.  

As you’ll hear in today’s episode, when it came to learning about shame, my visceral brain was so quick to learn and remember.  In an instant I locked in shame and created an imprint that dominated my future.  

Once this type of shame-based imprint has been set, ongoing painful experiences that reinforce the original imprint, continue to lay down new pathways in your brain and you become more and more sensitive to painful stimuli as you progress through life… as I look back at my life experience I can see how true this is. 

In the most basic terms, here’s what I’m talking about; once shame sets in it grows and grows until you GO BACK and address things from where they began…. This is the premise of inner child work.  This is also why, when it comes to trauma, it is important that we take the time to go back to the source of pain and to lovingly ask powerful questions like “what happened to me?” and you process your trauma. 

We need to stop running from our trauma, we need to stop having our experiences silenced and we need to stop numbing our painful feelings.

We need to process our trauma, feel our feelings and move through them.

I hope you enjoy today's episode; Seeds of Shame.

James

IG: @MyLightShinesBright

In Western cultures we have been trained to label addictions as BAD.  They are something that are undesirable, they hurt, they destroy and they kill.  Our first trained instinct when the topic of addiction comes up is ‘HOW DO WE STOP IT’, ‘how do we get ride of it’, ‘how do we help the person just say no drugs/alcohol/sex/food or whatever’.

But what if we took another approach?  What if we looked at our addictions as gifts?  What if instead of immediately jumping into controlling our stopping an addiction we paused and got curious.

What if we asked questions like… What is this addiction adding to my life?  What pain is this addiction covering up?  What larger more overwhelming societal ills does this addiction provide some momentary reprieve.  

We live in a world where it’s easy to say ‘JUST SAY NO’ or to prattle off any of other hundreds of celebrity endorsed ANTI-whatever campaigns… but I know we need to do more…. We need to do the really hard work… because WE CAN DO HARD THINGS (right Glennon Doyle… and another shout out for Untamed)

In order for us to really heal we need to take a look at the roots.  We need to understand ‘what happened to us?’, ‘what is it that we are trying to avoid’, ‘what is really going on underneath all of our pain?’

Is it perceived unworthiness because of our sexual orientation, toxic shame taken on because of our gender expression or is it because you have been told that you are somehow less than because of your gender, your race, your body type or differing physical or mental abilities?

These are just some of the root causes of trauma that invite addictions into our lives in an attempt to numb some of the pain that we THINK that we just can’t possibly face on our own.

Today’s guest, Cathy Webber is no stranger to pain.  Cathy and I met last year and have shared a number of connection points on our recovery journey together.  In today’s interview Cathy will share some of her journey and about how she has been able to start seeing the gift in some of her pain.

Our conversation today contains topics relating to trauma and addiction and contains personal sharing that includes stories of personal self-harm, drug use and suicidal ideation.  If this content triggers you or if you are currently having a mental health crisis I urge you to go to your nearest hospital or call 911.

Before we begin today’s interview I want to remind all of our listeners of the importance of advocating for yourself, asking for help and reaching out to create your own network of professional mental health support.  

Do you know anyone who would benefit from today’s message?  Are there any people in your network who may be struggling with self-worth, addiction or mental health?  We would love for you to share This Little Light Of Mine with your network so that you might share a message of strength, encouragement and mental wellness with someone who may be in need right now.

Thank you to each and every one of you who have subscribed to This Little Light Of Mine, provided comments and ratings.  Your feedback and encouragement really means a lot to me personally AND it helps get our message of unconditional love, hope and healing for ALL out to as many people as possible.

Thank you for joining us today, for sharing part of your valuable time with me and I’m looking forward to sharing more of my personal story with you in two weeks-time where I go way back and kick it old school and share one of my first memories of being taught to be ashamed of who I am.

Until then… always remember, no matter where you are on your journey, you were created on purpose, you matter, you are wanted, you are needed and you are loved.

James

In today’s episode of This Little Light Of Mine I share the part of my story where this project first began.  In today’s episode I take you into my disclosure session with my parents during my stay at a long-term complex trauma and rehabilitation centre in the US.

This is where I really started living.

I’m thankful that we didn’t really have a Pride Weekend in Toronto this year.  I’m thankful for chaos, anguish and trauma that we are all living through right now.  I’m thankful because I hope this signals the start of our collective awakening.

As our world is seemingly falling apart, I know deep within that it has too.  We need to break open so that something new can be born.

I have to admit that my heart is racing and my breathing is quite shallow after sharing this episode with you.  

All of my protector parts inside are telling me to reign it in, play it safe and to hit delete.  But the deeper I get into recovery, the more I heal, the more I know that I have been giving everything that I need to move forward and use my voice with love.

I’m also learning that using my authentic voice doesn’t always feel spectacular.  In fact, sometimes it’s downright scary.  In my personal life I’m being presented with a number of opportunities to speak up, share my truth and break some of the social codes of silence that I  passively learned to accept over the years.  I can see how my privilege gets in the way and how I use that as an excuse not to do what I know is right for me.  

Using my authentic voice can be hard, it’s can be scary and to be honest, sometimes it’s easier just to look the other way and hope someone else will speak up.  AND that’s not the person I was created to be.  This path forward may not always be easy but this is the work I believe we all need to do so that something even better can be born.

We are better and WE are strong together when we come together. I want to extend a massive thank you to Amanda, Coach Carey and all of the powerful women in my life who continue to teach me, stretch me and longingly help me see my privilege.  Amanda, Coach Carey, Erin, Angelique, Muqu, Meghan, Suz, Lynn, Leah & Ashley… I am better for knowing you.

I also

want to thank each of you for joining us today and a huge thank you to all of you who have subscribed to This Little Light Of Mine, shared your ratings and reviews and provided feedback.  Thank you for helping me share a message of unconditional love for ALL people.

We will be back in two weeks with a brand new episode with my personal friend Cathy W where she will share her incredible story recovery and talks with us about the ‘Gift of Pain’.

So what about you?  As you reflect back on today’s episode, what comes up for you?  Do your insides match your outside?  Is there a part inside of you that is yearning to come to the surface?

Know that there is greatness in you… let that light shine.  The world needs you.

You are loved.   

James.

@MyLightShinesBright

Hello and welcome to a special Pride Month BONUS episode of This Little Light of Mine.  

In season one we’re talking about a lot of tough topics from trauma to addiction, systemic racism and gender inequality to coming out to conversion therapy.

I wanted to take a hot minute to take a deep breath, throw some glitter in the air and talk about a new take on the elusive pride body… to do that I’ve partnered with personal trainer and personal friend Byron Fulkerth.  

Byron will be joining me for five weeks as we celebrate our pride edition of afFIRMation Thursdays.  

Each Thursday we will be sharing some of Byron’s personal intentions, visualizations and affirmations to help pump up your soul so that you can build the ultimate pride body from the inside OUT.

A very special thanks to Byron Fulkerth for sharing your passion and expertise with us today and all month long.

Check us at on IG and FB at @MyLightShinesBright in each week to see more of Byron and learn how to bring more Pride, Vitality, Strength, Energy and Transformation into your life and into your world.

No matter who you are, where you’re from, 

No matter the colour of your skin, your sexual orientation, your gender expression

No matter your weight, your body type or how you look…

No matter what.

You are wanted.  You are needed.  You are an important part of our world.   You have a voice that we need to hear.  You are worthy love…. And you are loved.

Happy Pride. 

James.

In today’s episode of This Little Light of Mine I’m going to be speaking with Jonathan Brower who knows a little bit about NOT CHANGING (as in not changing your sexual orientation, based on what someone else believes SHOULD be true for your life). As I introduced on the last episode of TLLOM, Jonathan has been through conversion therapy programs four times… yes… FOUR TIMES! 

There has been lots in the news recently about conversation therapy. And Jonathan Brower was intimately involved in the very recent ban of conversion therapy in the city of Calgary Alberta. 

As they do with systemic racism, gender inequality & oppression churches around the world continue to do an excellent job masquerading their practices of hate, discrimination and exclusion for queer people so that they APPEAR as offering message of HOPE and CHANGE coming from the ‘one and only true word of God’ or as compassionate offer of help, out of true love & concern ’… spoiler alert… let’s call it what it is. HATE.

I found Jonathan’s story fascinating and it helped me see the politics behind conversation therapy and how real and dangerous this practice still is today in both Canada and the United States.

Interview Rundown 

• (3:40) Interview with Jonathan Brower
• (4:38) My calling to be a pastor
• (4:47) Becoming a Christian out of fear
• (5:30) First gay crush at 10
• (6:30) Being taught shame 
• (13:40) I Can’t believe it’s Christian music playlist
• Christian Music Mix
• (17:53) Not getting into heaven
• (18:32) But I can change
• (19:06) Bullied
• (20:42) I wanted conversion therapy
• (21:26) I need help
• (23:14) Conversion therapy defined
• (26:03) Starting reparative therapy
• (41:45) spiritual and emotional abuse
• (42:09) I'd rather be hit
• (45:30) Gaslighting
• (48:15) Challenges with sexual intimacy
• (54:29) Treated like garbage
• (1:01:04) Conversion therapy today
• (1:08:27) Does Justin Bieber support homophobia
• (1:13:05) How can we help?

Take action

Jonathan Brower and I wanted to make your FIRST step as simple as possible. We have created our #BanConversionTherapy Workbook, a guide to saving kids’ lives.

Here is a link to that free resource

https://bit.ly/BanConversionGuide

Thank you for joining us today and a huge thank you Jonathan Brower for sharing his personal story and for using his voice to help learn more and show us how we can be part of the solution.

Every single one of us has a unique voice that has been designed TO BE HEARD. You have a voice. There is greatness in you… let that light shine. The world needs you. 

We hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you did, please remember to share, rate and review.

We would also love to hear your thoughts, comments and opinions. Drop us a note hello@ThisLittleLightOfMine

James

Want to know how they hide their abuse?

This is some of the 'candy' that our churches are using to lure our kids into their conversion therapy 'trucks'.

Learn more about this spiritual, mental, emotional and psychological abuse that is still happening today in Canada, US and around the world

Coming June 11

We need to save our kids. We can no longer afford to ignore the psychological, spiritual, emotional and mental abuse that the church inflicts on children when they teach that any of God’s children are less than, unworthy of love or unable to love in the way that God has designed them to love.

We have another big episode in-store for you today. Here’s what’s coming up…

Full show notes available at TLLoM.CA

I’m going to hit pause on my story for this episode to set the record straight around some of the questions that have been coming in.

(3:20) Light background questions

(6:34) Does my family accept me?

(7:10) Triggered in LA - why are you doing this?

(15:50) Offended by the term “gay Christian”

(17:22) Are you doing this just because you’re angry?

(18:53) What I think we should be angry about

(18:58) Queer youth suicide rates

Special thanks to TrevorProject.org

(20:33) Queer youth mental health and substance abuse

Special thanks to RTOR.org

(21:56) Unacceptable

(23:13) Someone needs to scream fire

(23:55) You are loved unconditionally

(25:51) Heaven is a place on earth

(27:54) Surprise update

(28:30) Homework assignment

Visit TLLoM.CA to download your assignment now

Special thanks to ChurchClarity.org for providing our homework questions

(32:09) What messages do we want to teach our children?

We hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you did, please remember to share, rate and review.

We would also love to hear your thoughts, comments and opinions.

Drop us a note

[email protected]

You are loved.

James.

One of the big reasons for starting TLLoM is my belief that we grow, heal and shine when we authentically share our stories.  With this belief I want to use this platform to have conversations with other queer people of faith, trauma survivors, people in recovery and people hungry for a deeper spiritual connection in their life.

My hope is that today’s episode will spark something inside of you, open your eyes and your heart to seeing something from another perspective and challenge you to bring more of your own personal story out into the light.  I think you’ll enjoy today’s episode with Father Michael Cassabon.

LISTENER ADVISORY: this episode may contain triggers for some. Topics in this episode include: sexual abuse, trauma, suicide, exorcism, addiction & conversion therapy 

For full show notes visit www.ThisLittleLightOfMine.CA  

Here's a rundown of our interview

(3:46) Being a Priest was my DRAG - Interview with Father Michael Cassabon

Father Michael Cassabon joins for a conversation about what it was like to grow up gay in the Catholic tradition. Michael shares his experiences attending seminary at the Vatican, talks about being outted, being labelled ‘disordered’ by the church for his same-sex attraction and what shifted in his life to help in love himself enough to get married to his husband. 

Michael’s background:

• Greenville SC
• Apologetics
• Bob Jones University
• Fundamentalism
• Newman Club

(6:06) Catholic Church is the ONE true church

• The Rock of St Peter

(8:08) My first sense of being “different”

(8:19) How I learned being gay was unacceptable

(10:50) Being gay pushed me further into my faith

(11:50) The first person I told that I was gay

• Being groomed
• Facts about child sexual abuse

(14:10) Going to school at The Vatican

• Seminary
• Vatican
• Jesuit University - The Gregorian
• Opus Dea University
• The Code of Cannon Law - yes, very dry.
• How the sausage gets made

(18:10) - Shun your same sex attraction

• Same sex attraction (according to Focus on the Family)
• EWTN 
• Exodus International
• Courage International
• Lies and danger of conversation therapy
• Mar 2020, Canada tables motion to ban conversation therapy 
• Conversion therapy across the US
• Ex-gay movement in North America is on the rise TODAY
• Changed Movement from Bethel Church

(22:45) Left handed boys are more apt to be gay

(24:50) Being DISORDERED

• Catholic teachers being fired for being gay in 2020!

(27:55) I nearly killed myself while in conversion therapy

• Gay Exorcisms

(30:30) It’s a sin to question Father

(31:24) My father is dying of cancer

(35:20) Coming out to my Father 

(42:12) Being a priest was my drag

• Laicized / Defrocked 

(50:28) We must be careful with religion around children

(1:00:30) If you can’t love yourself

(1:01:20) What’s next for Michael

(1:03:54) Rapid Fire Finish

(1:07:30) Show Close

Share your voice questions

1. What would your life look like if you had been born into a completely affirming world? eg – religious institutions were 100% affirming of LGBTQ people, no racism, discrimination, a world where everyone loved and respected each other.
2. Have you ever been told that you were unworthy, unwanted or unlovable? Who told you this and at what age? What impact did these messages have on your life?

We hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you did, please remember to share, rate and review.

We would also love to hear your thoughts, comments and opinions. Drop us a note [email protected]

You are loved.

James.

Coming May 28 2020