[Throbbing] Members Only

"Corona is definitely a man."

In which we start with one topic and devolve entirely too quickly. Much like 2020, it's a hot mess of a scramble.

Scramble Time!

We're still in the middle of a pandemic... But that isn't necessarily the reason some of us aren't having sex! So we decided to meet up (online) and talk about how to experience being sexual while not having sex.

Hannah can't even remember the last time she had sex, but she was trying to date right before the pandemic. She went on this date, right before shut down, and was mildly annoyed he wouldn't shut up about Covid-19. He was probably guilty, or has really bad anxiety and that's why he was talking about it so much.

Honestly though she really felt like this comic is a Corona mood:

https://www.instagram.com/p/B_ps0DVFr0C/?igshid=fnroj7we3xi8

But also! She shakes hands on dates?!?! Maybe that's why she hasn't had sex in awhile. Most of the Throbbers think it is weird to not hug, but Sissel wishes hugging was not normal, as does Lucy. Gina likes to bro nod. Then again, maybe shaking hands isn't the weirdest thing.

And speaking of dating someone new: Sometimes we don't actually know the face of the person we are about to go on a date with. Sometimes it's our fault, because we're embarrassing and can't remember anyone's faces. Sometimes they shave their faces or change their hair or just have a forgettable face. Who could really blame us.

We also apparently don't care about their names either? We might be horrible people.

The Throbbers Aren't Here to Talk About Dating

Or maybe we are? Did you know that dating apps are integrating video chats into their process? That's cool.

You know what's also cool? Chat Roulette! Which maybe Hinge will become? But maybe there's a new chat roulette? Are we showing our age knowing what chat roulette is?

Love In The Time Of Corona

At the beginning of all this, Kelly really wondered if it would be fun to meet the love of your life in such a strange and historic time. She no longer thinks that. It would suck.

Hannah is angry that the Rona is taking all our money, assets, and our mental health.

Should we have gendered a virus? Yes Corona is a man. He plays with our emotions, is bad for our mental health, is clingy, sometimes spreads constantly, and other times refuses to spread.

(It refuses to infect Mike Pence (at the date we're recording this, anyway, heh.))

We are not turned on by this conversation... especially Mike Pence.

Rage does turn Gina on, but not Kelly, she is a Type 9, INFP (she must, for some reason, say). She hates conflict. As do Hannah and Lucy. It does not a horny experience make.

Sex Drive MIA

Kelly really doesn't feel sexual. She's just so bored. So so bored. Sissel goes through waves, but it's weird. Her normal is to be generally horny all the time, but during these pandemic times she's mostly un-horny and then will have a couple of "on" days.

The Throbbers think she should track this. We then start talking about period tracking apps and hormonal relationship to horniness. Sissel and Gina both found them useless because their horniness level is high and constant. (In normal times, anyway.)

"She sweet, but she thirsts for flesh"

In which we check in with the crew for a quick update on when they last masturbated during these weird, weird times. Self care is very important. 

When did the Throbbers last masturbate?

This will be short. (Or will it?)

Sissel

Last time she masturbated was the week prior to this recording, while on vacation with her family in a cabin. It was a bit awkward, like being back in high school.

Quick Sex Toy Aside

While at the cabin her mother discovered a cock ring, a Pure Romance brand cock ring, that the owner (likely) left behind in a drawer. Her mom brought it out to ask Sissel and her brother if they knew what it was. Both of them claimed they did not recognize the bright, purple sex toy. Sissel thinks her brother probably didn't know, but could be wrong.

One day she might tell her mother what she actually found, but that is not today.

Quick Fisting Aside

Once upon a time Lucy's family was at a Mexican restaurant, casually discussing Fifty Shades of Grey, and her mother asked what fisting was... as their waiter stood there. #awkward

via GIPHY

But back to the when the Throbbers masturbated...

Sissel was wearing some stiff, real denim, shorts. They rubbed the right way, ya know what we're saying? Then she got bored, then sleepy, then she decided to "take a nap" which really just became masturbation. Then there was the added complication of wanting to read erotica with bad internet and her family being in the other room. Great times.

Did Lucy Masturbate?

Lucy

Lucy is joined this episode by...Lucy? Her new cat is named Lucifer, aka Lucy. Hope that's cleared it up.

She masturbates a lot less these quarantine days. But coincidentally she was feeling it just the day before this recording. It was an economical, to-the-point experience. With toys.

Another Aside: Sex Toy Edition

Toys make things go faster, but a good old fashioned fingering sesh is sometimes very nice. And when do you have more time for a leisurely fingering sesh than on vacation? Even if having toys on vacation would be nice... despite the fear of someone discovering a vibrating toy in your luggage.

TSA is probably very un-excited about your vibrator. Though Gina posits that the TSA could play a fun game of Vibrator Presidency (...Supremacy?) (Though a vibrator for a President would be preferable to our current president. Vibrators make everyone happy!)

Hannah

Hannah

Hannah did masturbate last week, but she does often go quite a while without masturbating. And then she has a several-day-long spree. But then after a couple days, she starts to become too sensitive and the last time was one of the days where she really wanted to masturbate but it didn't feel that good but she just had to power through. (Apparently.)

Hannah thought she'd masturbate more when she moved out of her parents, but even now, she'll have these dreams in which she cock blocks herself. It is very frustrating.

"I have friends and a vibrator, what are you for?"

In which we discuss breakups and relationships. Join us in our journey of the trials and tribulations of love!

References for Breakups

Lucy is live and in person and demands she only be touched with consent! (Consent is always relevant, consent is sexy.) She is here, newly single, to discuss what it's like existing post breakup. How do you readjust to being single?

But inversely... what the fuck is it like being in a relationship? It's weird and uncomfortable, and we don't know what the rules are!

Lucy is adamant that when you want to be in a relationship it doesn't feel like a chore to talk to them. When you do feel that way, you're probably forcing a relationship that isn't supposed to happen. Thankfully, she never feels like it's a chore to talk to her precious Throbbers... not like we'd let her leave codependent as we are.

Knowing It's Over

Using your own feelings as a gauge is sometimes hard, as Sissel knows, and it's hard to let go of something familiar. But sometimes, breaking up can be a relief.

Hannah's experience with the end of one of her relationships was unfortunately passive-aggressive. She didn't want to end the relationship but she was resenting having to spend time with him, and didn't want to be around him. So she ended up resenting him more and more and being bitchy until the relationship was over. She regrets her behavior now. She was extremely relieved when it was over. It ended in a hug.

Sissel, on the other hand, was extremely excited by the end of one relationship, and went on a bougie grocery shopping trip to celebrate, and called her best friend and talked to her the whole time about how happy she was that she'd finally broken up with him. Her relationship ended in sex. She is Sissel after all.

Gina felt it was a weight off her shoulders, but she also drank a lot during the whole process. Kelly came over to visit her and found her crying on the floor watching Fleabag. (We highly recommend it. It will destroy you in the best possible way.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5Uv6cb9YRs

How You Know It's Over A Breakups Story

Lucy was really struggling with her last relationship because she was debating if it was a phase of ambivalence she was experiencing or if the relationship was actually over for her. The most difficult thing was that when she did break up with him, she didn't have a definite reason why.

Kelly asked Gina if she felt her relationship became a chore at the end. Gina said chore wasn't quite the right word. They were both going through a lot of shit and not going through it together, and feeling like the relationship had been over for awhile with no one admitting it. She thinks she was worse off than she wanted to admit when the relationship ended, but she is more comfortable being single because that's what the majority her life has been. When she finally was over the feelings of recovery, the thing she really started missing was sex. The more emotional things, someone to drive her home after a hard day for instance, she got over that way quicker.

Lucy's primary love language is quality time, and after her breaks she always misses the quality time she spent with the person she shared a relationship with. She always reaches out to people after a breakup that she thinks can fill that void but they never quite do, because it's just a different relationship.

"I have a womb; it does not crave."

In which womb cravings are top of mind and bottom of uterus. Are kids gross? And why aren't adoption plots more included in media??

Womb Craving References

This is another edition of quarantine podcast recording! WEEEEE Technology fun and games. Gina was MIA for the first 2/3rds of this recording because she had this stupid thing she had to accomplish... Graduating law school or something boring.

We recorded this on Mother's Day week and we released it Labor Day Month (we're fun and thematic not on purpose lol). So we began this journey by discussing Mother's Day and plants, which are vaguely on topic. Just barely on topic. Maisie and Kelly live with their mothers and they had very easy Mother's Day requests, food and quality time. Sissel is partaking in social distant desert and lawn chairs. Hannah's mom claimed she didn't actually want to do anything... Hannah believes her. She is getting her this t-shirt "Nadie Me Ayuda En Esta Casa" which translates roughly to "Nobody helps me in this house."

https://www.facebook.com/wearemitu/videos/1692100801090355/

Lucy lives far away from her mother so she'll giver her a call. Honestly mothers just want your presence mostly, or at least ours do. Sissel's mom just wants her, and her brother to visit her. Her brother is an odd duck. He has all his stuff at her parents house but he doesn't stay there or sleep there. He lives sort of like his space is a museum, everything perfectly placed and can't be moved. He's got potential maybe he'll get functional one day... he currently owns two BMWs... One he spent his college money on right after high school and one his friend helped him get a good deal on this year... Why does a dysfunctional 24 year old need two BMWs? No one could tell you.

We are talking about wombs, not brothers!

This is a Maisie chosen topic, because she has a lot of them, womb cravings that is. Kelly thinks it's a spring time thing? Maisie thinks it could be related? Sissel thinks Maisie is a sweet summer child and would get all womb cravingy when summer is just getting started. Plus fertility is spring.

Maisie recently started following this video blog, of this woman who's about our age, who has a toddler; she also has a facebook friend who's just had a baby and it feels like the babies are everywhere and the cravings too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l53Vc-VZ0H8

Womb Cravings

/wo͞om/ /ˈkrāviNGs/

that annoying feeling you get when you suddenly think you want children.

If you have a womb you might not get this craving. If you don't have a womb you might get this craving.

By the way there's this dope podcast All My Relations which focuses on Native issues in the United States, and there is this great set of episodes Growing New Beginnings & Whole Family Wellness about holistic and indigenous pregnancy wellness. PLEASE LISTEN!!! LEARN THINGS!

https://www.instagram.com/p/B_5xdzhFPda/

It is relevant because Hannah just listened to it, and even though she doesn't have womb cravings,

"I feel nothing..."

In which Hannah tells all (or really just a little) about herself. What qualities does she look for in a partner? What makes her feel sexy? It's certainly not oysters. 

Meet Hannah

Quickie References

1. What are things that make Hannah "happy"? (wink wink nudge nudge)

First things first: Someone who didn't vote for Trump.

Ok, honestly, someone who voted for Hillary. Come at Hannah, internet.

Brief hiatus for trying on Gina's bra. It's a shelf bra. Many of us have room for extra scones in the cups if we wear it.

She is very unlikely to actually like someone. It's like a shooting star!

So she wants someone who is less successful than her, a nice stay-at-home husband. Someone who is driven in their own way, someone who isn't passive about what they want. And a democrat.

She wants someone who is fit, mostly because she gets anxious about someone dying because they don't take care of themselves. She also likes a good back, arms, and BUTT. She's interested in most ethnicities and a moderate age range.

2. Follow up - Long term or nothing?

At this point, if she's going to be in a relationship with someone, she wants it to have an end goal. She's not lonely, and she doesn't feel like she's missing anything. She has a very fulfilling relationship with her friends (just sobbing over here) and her family. She can find sex or a date in the short term but she's really not interested in anything short term at this point.

3. What food or drink gets you in the mood?

Aphrodisiacs are hooey, she likes chocolate and strawberries, and oysters are gross. She's not really interested in food play as part of sex. She thinks a light food would be advisable pre-sex, nothing heavy or gas inducing.

Brief hiatus for discussing gas and E. coli. you're welcome :)

4. Know any good sex jokes?

She has none! We'll try another day, another quickie.

5. What is your ultimate interior decor for having sex? + What is your ideal sex location?

Build your ideal Sims house and scenario! Or in terms Hannah prefers, your Dream Daddy game scenario:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jlQbAKsLJc

Hannah is a woman of simple wants. She wants something clean. Something between hospital sterility and really nasty. Maybe a fancy hotel. (But with a groupon!)

Her ideal sexual scenario, in summation: With her equally thrifty and neat husband, have sex in a relatively sterile hotel room, for a reasonable amount of time and then play Sims and watch a murder mystery show.

6. What's your ideal porn?

Basic professor student, or to be more niche, something involving archeology, because she loves the movie The Mummy.

But as far as murder mystery role plays, she's not necessarily into that (despite the many murder mystery parties that she throws) but she is very into the sexual tension between Miss. Fisher and Jack in Miss. Fisher Murder Mysteries.

SPOILERS BELOW!!!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNLYzKOcN64

"This weekend my parents were gone so it was special vibrator occasion."

In which we discuss the wondrous world of sex toys! Rabbits and butt plugs and g-spots oh my!

Sex Toy References

In this fun episode we featured our favorite astral projection, Lucy, by taping her via phone onto the wall. It looked very janky and made us laugh.

We would like to begin this podcast by honoring our fallen warriors: The vibrators and sex toys that have perished in the line of duty. A moment for them. Rest in peace.

The impetus for this episode was Hannah's recent loss of the most important part of her vibrator, the rabbit bit. Hannah was also a short lived but extremely successful Pure Romance consultant. For those who don't know it's a pyramid scheme, but it has some positives! Masturbation friendly, sex positive, and women only, so it's a very comfortable experience for women to explore their sexuality!

Hannah was excited about being her own boss ... until she realized how much work it was. She quit.

We are not sponsored by Pure Romance ... but that doesn't mean we would say no to an offer ;)

Hannah's dearly departed vibrator was called The Daddy from the Natti (its demise was tragic, as was its name). So she looked at the new vibes from Pure Romance, and thought they looked too fancy. Based on her use of only the rabbit part she looked for a clit stimulating vibrator only. She took Kelly and Sissel's recommendation and bought a clitoral suction vibrator, like the Womanizer or the Satisfiyer, and now everyone has opinions about clitoral suction vibes.

Now to do a bit of show and tell (without the show)

Kelly

Kelly has 3 vibrators! She fancy!

2 of them are Pure Romance, and the first one she actually won at Pure Romance party. Her first vibrator was a small bullet vibe! Similar to this one. And you definitely wouldn't want to put that up your vagina. Difficult to get it out. Like a period cup!

We all have struggled with removing period cups and/or tampons. PSA (that Kelly learned the hard way): do not "practice" removing a tampon when you aren't on your period. You need your blood for lube!

The Intima Collapsible Period Cup Sissel used this back before her IUD made her stop having periods!

The Diva Cup which is the original period cup for our millennial generation

There are tons of fun new and functional ones out there and we can't recommend them enough! You will certainly have a learning curve, but they've gotten much better about making them extractable, but you will still probably get blood on your hands. But no Toxic Shock Syndrome and better for the environment!

via GIPHY

via GIPHY

Back to the Sex Toys

This isn't just a podcast about things you can get up your vagina! Kelly is very worried about getting something stuck up her vag...

"You were so confident in your ignorance."

In which we talk about our sexual misconceptions and how much we tried to get Barbies to have sex as kids. Maybe now, as adults, we will succeed.

Sexual Misconceptions References

This is a loose topic, and we talked about everyone's misconceptions, including but not limited to "our friend's" misconceptions...you know, definitely not things that we thought. Definitely not.

We began by discussing words that Sex Positive Families called out on Instagram as being referred to euphemistically because they've been deemed embarrassing by society. Can you say them?

https://www.instagram.com/p/CClXwiTJWCA/

So some of the body part euphemisms we've heard or use/d are

* Frau Garten* Thing* Foot (for penis)* Hotdogs (for penis)* Hamburger (for vagina)* Petunia (for vagina)* Wee Wee

We really don't think/hope that Aunt Petunia was the genesis for Petunia as a euphemism for vagina. Aunt Petunia probably doesn't encourage anyone to think about vaginas... she's having sex with Vernon Dursley so she probably doesn't even want to think about her own vagina.

We've taken a tangent into words that make us uncomfortable. Tangents. It's our thing. (If you will.) You're welcome.

Gina's first story comes from a logic-based line of questioning about how she was related to the men in her family. She asked her mom how she was related to dad, and his parents, and those cousins, and on and on till her mom nodded and smiled and avoided the question.

Kelly wanted to know how babies were made. So her grandparents gave her a pregnancy book. This didn't answer her question. So she asked again and the options were in-vitro fertilization and sex. Her parents had sex. End of talk.

She also had an interesting progression on her understanding of the mechanics of sex. A childhood friend told her sex was the guy putting a thing inside of girl. Kelly confidently denied it and accidentally gaslit her friend, assuring her that it was wrong and didn't happen that way.

She didn't fully understand female anatomy, and definitely didn't understand thrusting. Her best guess was that you just got under the covers and the penis found you like a lamprey.

(Uh, yikes.)

Gina didn't really understand that you moved? You just touched or were near each other? And how was insertion of anything involved?

Sissel is a 13 year old girl and has been giggling this whole time.

Hannah doesn't remember her perceptions of sex, but wonders if because she had an older sister, she was exposed to sex earlier. When she watched Cabaret as a 10 year old she did not understand anything that happened sexually, and it blew her mind when she rewatched it in high school. All the sex she missed!

https://youtu.be/hYZ8cqMLuQg

(Kids don't care about stuff they don't understand, as they don't tend to pay attention to it or perceive it. At least according to Malcolm Gladwell in the Tipping Point and Sesame Street.

"Ears are an underrated attractive quality in people!"

In which Gina answers our burning questions: What makes her feel sexy? Who is her type? What body part is the most underrated of them all? This episode is a deep dive into the mind of Gina. 

Meet Gina!

Quickie Questions

1. What is your favorite sexual stimulation?

Full overall stimulation, not just clitoral, not just vaginal. She likes a vibrator between her and her (mostly male) partners. She likes a cock ring!

2. What's your best date & what's your worst date?

Worst Date

He was late, sad, and he never asked what she did! He didn't look into her life (for Sarah that's her employment) and that really bothered her.

Side note, growing up, Gina says she always knew the jobs of her parent's male friends but not their female friends. What's up with that, society?

She did also get slight murder vibes on a date one time. But at least the possible murderer asked about her job.

Best Date

Her second date with her ex-bf was a good date. Solid conversation, and he was interesting and he was interested in her.

[Then we commence with more talk about Gina's unusual opinions on sexy body parts. Ears, anyone?]

3. Do you prefer being in a relationship or being single?

She's only been in one serious relationship, but she misses a lot of things about being in a relationship.

Good things about relationships include: regular sex, trying new things with your partner, cuddling.

But being single is awesome too! She loves having no guilt about looking at everyone and fantasizing about others.

There are also things that suck about both situations.

Mixed bag. #nojudgement

4. Who is your Ultimate Fictional Dibs!

The type is Under the Radar Hero. The person who is actually keeping all the shit together but stays mostly on the sidelines in the movie or show or book.

You know, like Marty Mikalski from The Cabin In The Woods:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwN0ZIe-cG8

or Lauren from Lost Girl:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-VsOJsfyU0

5. Favorite sex scene?

Top of the Lake .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKMzxrNMC4k

Elizabeth Moss sees an old lover at a bar, she goes to the bathroom, he follows her, sexy and dramatic stuff ensues. It's problematic as far as consent goes but still very hot.

Also, the iconic:

"Always the starfish, never the blowfish..."

In which the throbbers take the outdated Kinsey scale test to learn....

What exactly? No one knows!

Kinsey References

If you haven't noticed, our episodes have been released in an intriguing order... and were also recorded a long time ago! Many eons ago! (back when the world was new...) We had a recording year long gap because of our first born, Harry Hotter and the Cursed Podcast, which we spent forever trying to fix and finally got it sorted! You're welcome.

Lucy is absent from this episode for "research" purposes. Her official title is Research Coordinator.

Kelly began looking into this topic (with minimal research) due to our earlier episode on Love Languages. We have all of our Love Languages and a variety of other things about us in spread sheets... including, but not limited to, fall activities, twilight characters we share Myers-Briggs characteristics with, and scents we like. We're normal.

Kelly discovered the great and powerful author and Sex Educator, Shan Boodram! Love her, worship her, follow her on all social media platforms! #blackcreators

In Shannon's book, The Game of Desire, the first step on your sexual/dating journey is to know thyself. And this is mainly done...with a lot of personality quizzes. (Kelly and the rest of us love a personality quiz)

One of the quizzes included in this book was the Kinsey Scale, a method dating from 1948 which rates sexuality on a scale from homosexual to heterosexual. (Here is a quiz for it, despite the actual Kinsey institute not believing in a version of the quiz instead basing their score on past sexual partners). Shan Boody (she has many a name) suggests taking the quiz twice, once for your reality, once for your fantasy.

The Kinsey Scale 0 (Hetero) to 6 (Homo) & X we don't understand you

Sissel only knows anything about this concept because of Mean Girls, and the line "Kinsey 6 Gay".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAOmTMCtGkI

Here are our Kinsey results:

Gina

Reality 2 - Predominenty Hetero, More than incidentally Homo

Fantasy 3 - Equally Both!

Maisie

Reality & Fantasy 3 - Equally Both!

She also doesn't really understand how this test could be taken as fantasy vs reality? It requires a certain level of self knowledge to be able to take it, which makes it not necessarily helpful for those seeking answers.

(Sorry, weird break when Sissel did acrobatic moves in tights & a pencil skirt. You're welcome listeners.)

Hannah

Reality 5 - Predominantly Homosexual, only Incidentally Heterosexual

Fantasy 4 - Predominantly Homosexual,

"I've never met a penis before!"

In which the throbbing members discuss losing their socially constructed virginity. It's about as cringey as it sounds, so you better listen. 

Virginity References

DISCLAIMER: VIRGINITY IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT AND IN OUR SOCIETY TYPICALLY HAS A PHALLO-CENTRIC DEFINITION!

Now that that's out of the way...

Sissel

Let's begin with Sissel's story. She was very sexually frustrated... for most of her life, but also kind of scared of it all? So she eventually forced the issue. All of the unrequited crushes never worked out, so she "found" a guy getting off a bus to have sex with instead! Tall, dark haired, pierced ears, her type. ;)

So she and a friend texted a boy, who texted a boy, who eventually texted Sissel back... This began a month long text affair, that fizzled till until Sissel said the magical words that will make any teenage boy fuck you... "I wanna climb your body like a jungle gym."

So she finally met him in person, and they made brownies. And after he pulled some smooth moves she had her first kiss!

Eventually after some teenage crime together she met up with him and had her first sexual experiences! Cunnilingus! Then the next night she came over to his house and he...fucked her really bad. It was very bad. It was not good.

It was an awkward first time... It hurt, and then once inside she couldn't feel anything. So it was weird and awkward and they only had a short term little fling with a few more sexscapades until he started dating some other girl and she found out on Facebook. #2010breakups.

She didn't necessarily describe it as badly to her friends after the fact, she did focus mostly on the cunnilingus... because that shit was baller.

It was not a traumatic experience and her heart was not broken.

The media has portrayed first time sex as something between two committed partners OR rape, lol. Sissel wasn't really looking for either of those things. Fortunately, prior to her first time had a friend with benefits scenario showcased to her that made her decision to lose her "virginity" with a relative stranger much easier.

Sissel had a goal: losing virginity. And then she did it! Check.

She contemplated being in a relationship with this younger man, but the circumstances never really fell into place to make that work. He was a "bad boy" (he wasn't really) who got sent away from his parents to live with his aunt, and he smoked pot... Scandalous.

#noragrets though

Hannah

Picture this somewhere in the Midwest 2011... Hannah had already had her first kiss in the past, and it was now her freshman year of college. Fingering is weird and bad unless done properly. Why was she naked with his fingers inside her? Who knows...

Golden Girls ya know?

They went on an awkward cute date beforehand in which he tried to appease Hannah's vegetarianism by ordering just broccoli. (Where is the protein???). Later, they tried to have sex and it hurt so they stopped. The next day she came back to watch "Winter's Bone." Hannah does not like this movie...