Today I Learned (Nothing)

Jason tries to think of the dental hygienist when he prepares for the dentist (mints, blowing his nose, the whole nine yards). Steve has tasted his own flesh as it burned in his mouth. It's time for Dental Horror Stories!!!

Take it from Jason, don't buy (too many) toys when you're old enough to manage your own money. And take it from Steve, don't question the accuracy of a Barbie's anatomy. Things just unravel from there.

Steve is a crabber now. He gets crabs and he gets them so his wife can eat their delicious meat. He also enjoys the process of getting them: the kayaking, the camaraderie, the tasty meat itself. Jason can't relate to any of this and makes fun of it all.

This week we learn some of Steve's deepest darkest secrets. He is woefully unprepared for a fire and he has been ripping off Netflix original series for his own attempts at literary fame.

In other news, Jason is totally ready for an earthquake. Assuming he's wearing the right shoes when it happens.

Steve's son wants to podcast with the big boys, neither he nor Jason want to think about how old they are (but their kids do), and Taco Bell has now been introduced to the children's diet. There is no hope beyond this.

Jason tells the tale of a tumultuous tram ride, a tragedy with a happy ending, and another, separate incident that proves his frailness and squeamishness. It's got deadly circumstances, missed opportunities, and a man accepting his shortcomings for the benefit of those in peril. 

Steve swims with the sharks and gleefully, villainously forces his children to join him and Jason looks forward to his first trip to Dollywood, where you make your own fun (probably). Also, Steve took his wife and her mother to Vegas for fun.

Jason and Steve teach others how to write stories, avoiding the tropes and pitfalls that their own pitiful attempts have suffered. Steve imaginarily creeps out the non-existent teens in his neighborhood (not real, cannot stress that enough) and Jason contemplates leaving his lying wife.

For today's Idaho fun fact, did you know that sometimes goats are raised not for their hair, meat, or milk, but their blood? After Jason digests that tasty tidbit, it's time for Steve to delve into more of Jason's food crimes, such as never eating cereal with milk, steering clear of Grape-Nuts based on the name alone, and swearing off raisins based solely on their texture. Of course, Steve digs himself some coagulated pig's blood, so ignore anything he says.

In this episode, the guys discuss the evil nature of dimmer switches, fun house tricks like secret passageways that may lead to hidden deaths or surprise coitus discoveries, and the excitement of a murder mystery, even if the victim is (was) someone you know (knew) and love (loved). Also, Steve has a surprise about the bed his grandparents own!