Torture Cinema

Giant mechanical spiders, male boob grabbing, and nice trains, oh my! Shaun Duke, Paul Weimer, and Alex Acks join forces for this special Pandemic Edition of Torture Cinema. Together, they tackle the infamous 1990s blunder, Wild Wild West, explore through a drunken stupor the film’s approach to characterization, history, Western tropes, race, gender, and disability. This is a jam-packed show, y’all, because there’s just so much to say about this ridiculous VERY 90s movie. You’re welcome!

We hope you enjoy the episode!

Show Notes:

* Wild Wild West (IMDb)

* Our Grades:

* Shaun (D-)

* Paul (D-)

* Alex (D-)

* Average (D-)

If you have a question you’d like us to answer, feel free to shoot us a message on our contact page.

Our new intro and outro music comes from “Sphere” by Creo (CC BY 4.0), which has been slightly modified to include sound effects and for length purposes.

Ubiquitous tentacles, wholesome content, and riding his rainbow in the sky! Shaun Duke and Jen Zink break all the rules we arbitrarily set for Torture Cinema to discuss a film so beautiful and so bonkers bananapants that it might have fixed the 80s all on its own if it had only been popular enough! Together, they dig into the wild world of 1984’s Voyage of the Rock Aliens, from its wild musicality to its send off of 80s culture to its utterly wonky narrative and character decisions. This is one for the ages, folks. And it is pure.

We hope you enjoy the episode!

Show Notes:

* Voyage of the Rock Aliens (IMDb)

* Our Grades:

* Shaun (A+)

* Jen (A+)

* Average (A+)

If you have a question you’d like us to answer, feel free to shoot us a message on our contact page.

Our new intro and outro music comes from “Sphere” by Creo (CC BY 4.0), which has been slightly modified to include sound effects and for length purposes.

Chinese ninjas drug dealers, questionable costumes, and premed / law prostitutes, oh my! Shaun Duke, Jen Zink, and Paul Weimer are back on the Torture Cinema horse with a deliciously stupid Patreon-selected mashup:  The VelociPastor. We tackle the film’s questionable production history, its various odd narrative decisions, what it means to film three different countries in the same location, the power of the clawth (heh), and so much more!

We hope you enjoy the episode!

Show Notes:

* The Velocipastor (IMDb)

* Our Grades:

* Shaun (C+)

* Jen (D)

* Paul (C-)

* Average (C-ish)

* The Down Under Fan Fund (VOTE FOR SHAUN!)

If you have a question you’d like us to answer, feel free to shoot us a message on our contact page.

Our new intro and outro music comes from “Sphere” by Creo (CC BY 4.0), which has been slightly modified to include sound effects and for length purposes.

Exploding gems, racist wrestlers, and orphans, oh my! In this very special (and totally late) holiday edition of Torture Cinema, Shaun, Julia, Alex, and Jen tackle a truly horrifyingly bad Christmas movie, Santa with Muscles. From Hulk Hogan’s questionable acting skills to the nonsensical plot, the odd connections to famous actors and popular TV shows, and the utterly bananapants characters and twists, we certainly had a lot to talk about for this one. So thanks, Patreon supporters. Thanks so much.

We hope you enjoy the episode!

Overall Grade:  F+-ish

Show Notes:

* Santa with Muscles (1996)(IMDb)

* Our Grades:

* Shaun (F)

* Julia (D-)

* Jen (F)

* Alex (D+)

* Average (F+-ish)

If you have a question you’d like us to answer, feel free to shoot us a message on our contact page.

Our new intro and outro music comes from “Rock Thing” by Creo (CC BY 4.0), which has been slightly modified to include sound effects and for length purposes.

Questionable journalists, questionable comedy, and questionable geography, oh my! Shaun Duke, Alex Acks, Jen Zink, and Trish Matson wander into an unsuspecting Eastern European town to discuss the 1985 “comedy,” Transylvania 6-5000. With their magic judge hats on, the crew tackles the film’s approach to comedy, the absurdity of its monster-centric premise, twist endings, hairy dudes, and what it’s like to have Patreon supporters who pick movies like this for us to watch (thanks…)!

We hope you enjoy the episode!

 

Overall Grade: D-ish

Show Notes:

* Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)(IMDb)

* Our Grades:

* Shaun (D)

* Alex (D)

* Jen (D+)

* Trish (D)

* Average (D-ish)

If you have a question you’d like us to answer, feel free to shoot us a message on our contact page.

Our new intro and outro music comes from “Rock Thing” by Creo (CC BY 4.0), which has been slightly modified to include sound effects and for length purposes.

Creepy cult children, confusingly animated monsters, and Korn, oh my! Shaun Duke, Alex Acks, and David Annandale meet in the corn fields to discuss 1984 adaptation of Stephen King’s Children of the Corn. They discuss the film’s bizarre plot structure, what it’s like to be murdered by creepy cult children, the wonders of corn demons, terrible 80s relationships, and more!

We hope you enjoy the episode!

Overall Grade: D

Show Notes:

* Children of the Corn (1984)(IMDb)

* Our Grades:

* Shaun (D)

* Alex (D)

* David (D)

* What Would Paul Do (D)

* Average (D)

If you have a question you’d like us to answer, feel free to shoot us a message on our contact page.

Our new intro and outro music comes from “Rock Thing” by Creo (CC BY 4.0), which has been slightly modified to include sound effects and for length purposes.

Dirty mice, invisible plots, and Leslie Nielsen, oh my! Shaun Duke, Alex Acks, and Paul Weimer throw themselves on Freddy’s clawed hand to discuss Stan Helsing, a movie made by drunk people to torture the dead. Together, they discuss the film’s approach to humor, its nonsensical plot, why Leslie Nielsen is in this movie, and all the ways that this film is both offensive and hopelessly lazy. You picked it, so we watched it. Thanks a lot, y’all.

We hope you enjoy the episode!

 

Overall Grade: F- ish

Show Notes:

* Stan Helsing (2009)(IMDb)

* Our Grades:

* Shaun (F-)

* Alex (F)

* Paul (F-)

* Average (F- ish)

If you have a question you’d like us to answer, feel free to shoot us a message on our contact page.

Our new intro and outro music comes from “Rock Thing” by Creo (CC BY 4.0), which has been slightly modified to include sound effects and for length purposes.

Greasy chest hair, lasting 2 minutes, and animal abuse, oh my! Recorded (sorta last minute) in a hotel room in Dublin, Ireland, this special edition features Shaun Duke, Alex Acks, Julia Rios, Jen Zink, Brandon O’Brien, and special guest / friend of the show, Linnea! Together, our intrepid crew tackles yet another Nicolas Cage debacle, Next, which could charitably be called a loose adaptation of a Philip K. Dick short story. From questionable dating practices to equally questionable government tactics to additionally questionable life choices, this episode is packed with laughs, jetlag, absurd rants, and, well, lots of the stuff y’all want in an episode of Torture Cinema!

We hope you enjoy the episode!

Overall Grade: D+

Show Notes:

* Next (IMDb)

* Next (Wikipedia)

* Linnea’s Stuff:

* Starcrashed Podcast

* RobotMariaReviews on YouTube!

* RobotMaria199 on Twitter!

* Thanks for joining us, Linnea! You rock!

* Our Grades:

* Shaun (D-)

* Alex (C)

* Julia (D+)

* Linnea (D)

* Jen (D)

* Brandon (C-)

* Average (D+ish)

If you have a question you’d like us to answer, feel free to shoot us a message on our contact page.

Our new intro and outro music comes from “Rock Thing” by Creo (CC BY 4.0), which has been slightly modified to include sound effects and for length purposes.

The Hass, chauvinist robots, and Italians, oh my! In a Torture Cinema podcast that meanders almost as much as the movie, Shaun Duke, Jen Zink, and Trish Matson get together to discuss this month’s Patreon selection, Starcrash! Not only do the team discuss everything from the truly awful logic to the surprising inclusion of an… uhhh… active female protagonist, we also introduce a new segment to Torture Cinema called, “What is Paul’s Like?” Make sure you listen, because it includes some of the absolute best aspects of this truly terrible film.

We hope you enjoy the episode!

Overall Grade: D+

Show Notes:

* Starcrash (IMDb)

* Starcrash (Wikipedia)

If you have a question you’d like us to answer, feel free to shoot us a message on our contact page.

Our new intro and outro music comes from “Rock Thing” by Creo (CC BY 4.0), which has been slightly modified to include sound effects and for length purposes.

Boat cars, “Killa Cockaroaches”, and cannibals, oh my! Much to Jen’s chagrin, in her absence the team, Shaun Duke, Paul Weimer, and Alex Acks, discover a lot to criticize in the 1977 film adaption of a Roger Zelazny book, Damnation Alley! Jen likes to think they only criticize it because they just wanted it to be better than what we got which is a monotonous 90 minute post-apocalyptic road trip across the entire US. Regardless, they share their adoration of George Peppard’s mustache and grooming standards, their dislike for discount Starbuck, how the movie manages to make exciting things boring, but also some bright points, like how this movie ignores many post-apocalyptic tropes. There’s lots more than that, so go have a listen! Hopefully this 70 minute episode is more exciting than the 90 minute torture film.

We hope you enjoy the episode!

Overall Grade: C-

Show Notes:

* Damnation Alley (IMDb)

* Damnation Alley (Wikipedia)

If you have a question you’d like us to answer, feel free to shoot us a message on our contact page.

Our new intro and outro music comes from “Rock Thing” by Creo (CC BY 4.0), which has been slightly modified to include sound effects and for length purposes.