Toxic

All the women above, all women of color, were murdered in the last few weeks by men who decided that dealing with their feelings was just too much work and opted for a brutal homicide instead. So, you know, eff those guys.

Femicide is the killing of women because they're women, and that encompasses the majority of domestic violence homicide. Worldwide, every 11 minutes a woman or girl is killed by a partner or other family member. Women are not safe simply by identifying as women.

In this week's episode, we talk about each of these victims and why things went so awry and how we all, WE ALL, need to do better, starting with the military. Dana reached out more than two dozen times to her active duty Marine husband's command to disclose abuse and never a consequence to him was given.

Stay tuned to the end of the episode when we talk briefly to Janan Najeeb, president of the Milwaukee Muslim Women's Coalition, about the barriers survivors in marginalized communities face when they're trying to escape abuse. Through the We Are Here Campaign in Milwaukee, Wisc., seven culturally specific domestic violence organizations that overwhelmingly represent survivors of color, native survivors or those in the LGBTQ community, are working to get the word out that they are at the ready to help these survivors break free, and that they don't have to go it alone.

See Toxicthepodcast.com for GoFundMe links for several of the victims. And remember, if you are or think you are experiencing domestic violence, you don't have to go it alone. Find a shelter near you and talk to an advocate today.

When abusive partners have access to guns, female partners are 500 percent more at risk for homicide. So in 2015 when police came to get Scott Bland's guns after his wife was granted an order of protection, confiscating 73 of his 74 guns wasn't their best call. Especially after he had explicitly informed his wife and the mother of his two children that he was going to kill her. "Looking back on it, I think, of course he was going to shoot me," Janet tells Toxic. This is Janet's astounding story of how she survived his horrific attack in broad daylight and became one of too many femicide near-misses. We talk about how she dealt with ridiculous backlash after appearing on Jon Stewart's show, and why she doesn't want people to necessarily give up their guns, but she does want women to be believed.

Also, Gabby Petito's story is being made into a Lifetime TV movie and we have thoughts.

Last week, the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade because it will never personally affect them so who cares and declared states could make their own decisions about whether or not uterus-owners should be allowed bodily autonomy. States across the country immediately said, "Bodily autonomy what? Anyone with a vagina does not deserve such a luxury!" Abortion was outlawed or made extremely difficult to access in more than half the states where lawmakers obviously love babies so much they want to force individuals to have more of them but then also not pay these living incubators livable wages or provide affordable housing or guarantee family leave or take steps to make sure pregnant individuals survive childbirth or keep said babies from getting shot when they start school. In Ohio, a 10-year-old sexual assault victim found to be pregnant was denied an abortion because we live in the Upside Down now.

In today's episode, Amanda and Jenna talk to Dr. Paula Cody, Medical Director of Adolescent Medicine at the University of Wisconsin. She works with adolescents and young adults with a special interest in eating disorders, sexuality and reproductive health, menstrual disorders and high-risk behaviors. (Follow her @TeenDocCody on Twitter.) Dr. Cody talked safe abortion and what that looks like now—is Plan C safe and when and how do you get it? Is traveling across state lines an option? Is she afraid of being prosecuted for—god forbid—providing reproductive care to young people?

Thank you to podvoices.help for organizing podcasters in this mass-PSA you'll hear at the beginning.

To learn more about Plan C, visit plancpills.org.

To help support everyone's right to safe abortion access, visit abortionfunds.org.

To wear your protest message everywhere you go (hint, it's the name of this podcast), visit toxicthepodcast.com and click "Store." A hundred percent of proceeds will go to organizations helping women access safe healthcare.

Happy Pride! While we celebrate all the LBGTQ+ community has done simply to survive and be who they are, let's also talk for just a minute (or 60) about the fact that queer folk are not always given the same protections by law enforcement and the criminal justice system when it comes to disclosing abuse and assault. Domestic violence is just as predominant among LGBTQ+ as cisgender-hetero folks, but in survivor Ron Blake's case, the police decided to chalk his assault up to just dudes being dudes... except, it wasn't. Because being a guy doesn't give you the right to be abusive or a rapist or just, in general, an asshole.

In this episode, we also call out two gay heroes of the month: former UCLA surgery resident Melanie Cargle, who blew the whistle on a sexual assault at the hospital before being fired; and drag queen Barbara Seville (aka Richard Stevens) who blew the whistle on a woman running for governor who says drag queens are grooming our kids....except that Seville has the receipts to prove this GOP hypocrite was not-so-long-ago a friend of the queens.

Visit toxicthepodcast.com for resources under today's episode for LGBTQ victims and survivors of abuse and assault. You don't have to stay and you don't have to stay silent.

Well, it's been a crap few weeks and, frankly, we don't need your optimism over here. Unless you're Tarana Burke, then bring it on. In this episode, Jenna and Amanda touch on the shitstorm of late and why bragging about not paying attention to the Depp/Heard trial while clamoring for stricter gun control isn't actually a flex—the two issues are intricately related and we need to stop one issue to stop the other. After that, we're jumping into the story of Jennifer Dulos (it's at 32:25 if you want to skip ahead; we don't mind), a Connecticut mom of five who married a dude named Fotis and thought they'd live happily ever after in a big mansion. Despite their seemingly picture-perfect, affluent, power-couple stature, Fotis was a scary-ass guy who didn't want his wife to have a say in her future. And when she left him, shit hit the fan. Why psychotherapist Dr. Susan Weitzman once said, regarding domestic violence and wealthy couples, "no one can hear you scream on a 3-acre lot."

One correction: In the episode, Amanda states that coercive control is a nonphysical form of abuse. *ERRRR* (That's a buzzer noise.) What Amanda should have said, but her brain didn't catch up in time, is that while coercive control is typically identified as a nonphysical form of abuse in which abusers dominate, isolate, gaslight and otherwise control all aspects of a partner's life in order to keep them trapped, coercive control can also include physical and sexual violence.

As always, if you believe you are a victim of abuse or domestic violence, please reach out to a trained domestic violence advocate to talk. You can find one near you at DomesticShelters.org or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-SAFE, or text START to 88788.

So many of us are worried and angry about a woman's right to make choices regarding her own body possibly being taken away, maybe in less than a month (ugh), but let us take comfort in the fact that there are med students and practicing physicians lining up to make sure they're trained in abortion and reproductive healthcare for women many thanks to the international nonprofit, Medical Students for Choice. Today, Amanda and Jenna interview Executive Director Pamela Merritt about how these medical pros are literally on the frontlines of this battle, ready to protect our uteruses and our choices over what happens to them. Pamela gave us so many things to think about we hadn't before—like why med students are more likely to be pro-choice after going through med school because of what they learn about the dangers of pregnancy and how the majority of those who choose abortion are already parents. Come for the rants, stay for the education and then get your marching signs ready.

It's the episode where we can't pull it together 30 minutes in to switch gears so, just, forgive us for that. Also, Jenna nicknames the abuser in this week's story "Hot Carl" not because he's at all attractive but because it literally means shit and just trust us on this and don't Google it.

This week, we have to start off by talking about the Depp/Heard defamation trial, not from a choosing-sides standpoint but looking at what actually defines domestic violence versus what is a toxic relationship. Some survivors don't fit our "perfect victim" stereotype and this often ends up vilifying them.

And the shitty abuser we call out this week is Carl Bohm. After years of abuse toward his wife, daughter and the family animals, wife Janet got up the courage to leave Carl in 2018, only to be told by a female judge with a severe case of internalized misogyny that Janet did not deserve an order of protection against the man who vowed to kill her, a determination we will never understand why judges make. Just say yes. Just protect women. Carl then tried to make good on his promise in a horrendous way.

To find a domestic violence hotline, advocate or shelter near you, visit domesticshelters.org and click "Find Help."

If you agree that men need to stop killing women, please rate and review us below so we can continue to sound the alarm on this devastating epidemic. For our "Stop Killing Women" merch, visit toxicthepodcast.com.

Even though Florida created the "Stand Your Ground" law to allow people to protect themselves when a violent individual threatens them on their property, this law apparently does not apply to women attacked by abusive ex-partners. Go figure. When Marissa Alexander fired a warning shot into a wall near her husband who had just told her he was going to kill her, she was arrested and sentenced to 20 years behind bars. Luckily, enough people thought that was nonsense and fought to have Marissa's sentence overturned. Marissa joins the hosts of Toxic today to talk about how this monumental example of women being punished for saving themselves has shaped her life over the last decade.

Hey, it's a Spotlight episode. What's that, you ask? Well, it's like a headlamp, but bigger. And today, Jenna and Amanda are aiming it in the direction of victim blaming. It's one of the reasons abusers, assaulters and other toxic individuals continue to feel empowered to do what they do. "Because no one will believe you," they threaten survivors. And they're not always lying. Victim blaming is often rooted in ignorance, shame, fear and internalized misogony, and some of us who consider ourselves allies may be doing it without even realizing it. Get ready for some self-introspection, see what you can learn and then pass it on (this topic makes for great cocktail party fodder).

We start with talking about the obviously problematic Florida "Don't Say Gay" bill and how it's once again rooted in power and control. (We love you, LGBTQ+ youth, and so do so many others.) Next, Amanda talks about a story she covered for the A&E True Crime Blog on Ellen Greenberg, a 27-year-old first grade teacher who allegedly stabbed herself more than 20 times back in 2011 and officials ruled it a ...suicide?! Her parents have been fighting ever since to get the Philadelphia Medical Examiner's Office to change that back (yes, back) to homicide. What really happened that day and what did two other medical examiners discover when they independently reviewed her autopsy report? Visit toxicthepodcast.com for relevant links regarding this episode, plus a new page where we invite you to share your story with us. Please consider rating Toxic if you like us (if you don't, you can just skip it, no worries).