Trigger Proof Transmissions

Have you heard the Taylor Swift song “Anti-Hero”?

I remember the first time hearing it and was blown away.

“I’ll stare directly in the sun but never in the mirror”

was one of my favorite lines of all time in a song,

because it captured what I see so often when helping people

stuck in toxic relationship dynamics.

In a world where it has become the latest trend to research Narcissism 

and point the finger and blame the other person, 

it’s both inspiring and honorable to see someone on their healing journey

have the courage and maturity to take ownership of their part in the dance.

This is what happened with Michelle, 

who was staring down the barrel of another failed marriage.

Her second.

It was HIS third. 

They had recently separated at the time, 

and she was convinced HE was the Narcissist. 

(She shares in this 14 minute video)

Stuck in a “should I stay or go” dynamic, 

endless negative cycle of anxious/avoidant ruptures 

with no training on HOW TO REPAIR,

not realizing that the very dynamics they were acting out 

were exactly like the roles that were playing in childhood, 

not knowing what to do.

She realized it wasn’t her fault, but she wasn’t seeing herself as the problem.

Obviously he had his woundings as well.

But she finally recognized her pattern.

She reached out to rewire the conditioning and began learning:

-how to identify her triggers and be able to discern if it’s something happening NOW, 

or it’s historical (hint, it’s always historical)

- How to identify her “projections” and be able to see what she was judging during a conflict

was something inside of her that she hadn’t realized

- How to take conflict and turn it into deeper intimacy

Michelle began to become Trigger-Proof (Not trigger-less!) and 

her separated husband noticed such a massive shift in her, 

AND THE ENTIRE DYNAMIC SHIFTED.

He began actually WANTING to step up and participate.  

The results in the way she was reacting towards him,

giving up her victim story had him doing a double take.

Together, they joined us at Rewire: Love/Sex/Money,

and in front of the entire group (it was a zoom call), 

they BOTH committed to taking full ownership and responsibility 

rather than play the blame game. 

They BOTH realized they were part of an unconscious dance, 

and it wasn’t EITHER of their fault!

She even divulged in front of everyone 

something she had been holding back in their sex lives,

that got in the way of their connection.

That heart opening moment caused him to really want to step up 

and take care of her.

(This is massive).

They went from “It’s over” to “we have enough here to keep working on this”. 

His shifts didn’t stop with Michelle.

His relationships with his family and children all shifted through the process too.

All over one 3-day weekend. 

There’s something magical about investing 3 days

to learn skills that should have been taught to us to navigate 

the 3 most common triggers in any relationship:  

The anxious-- avoidant negative cycle, Sex, and Money.

When you do, you realize it’s not your fault, 

but it IS your responsibility to deal with what’s coming up on your side of the street.

Then you’re able to go from “stuck" to “we now have the tools”. 

“We got this”. 

No more worrying if we are making the right decision.

No more worrying about regrets.

The only regret from 100% of our participants we hear

is that they wish they learned all this sooner.

It all begins with putting down the magnifying glass, 

the one we use to constantly highlight how THEY are the problem,

and pick up a mirror instead.

And the biggest obstacle will be the unwillingness to face our shame and guilt, 

and to make the time for yourself and your family’s growth. 

And when you’re willing to lean in, 

you become the cyclebreaker of your family line.

Michelle shares some of her journey here in this 14 minute video. 

This is why I love guiding those who are ready to be the one to break the cycle in their family line.

It’s not YOU that’s the problem, 

but it IS your conditioning, and that IS your responsibility to shift.

Standing for healed families, 

regardless if you’re a “Swifty” or not.

Your wingman on the adventure,

Nima.

P.S. If you’re ready to rewire the top 3 roadblocks in the Nervous Systems of most humans, 

in Love, in Sex, and in Money, so that you can 

- Master the rupture-repair process to ensure you build secure attachment,

- Create Magnetism and Polarity — 

(even in long term relationships that gets lost after you have kids)

- Expand your Capacity to receive in your financial game, 

we have 5 spots left for 5 couples who are ready to make 2024 THE year 

where the narrative shifts from “Insecurity” to “security”.

This is the 3rd time I’m doing this event on May 17th-19th (North America)

(18-20th in Oz) and we are almost at capacity.

I’m offering this as a 2-for-1 because I am committed to helping families heal,

and this can be done more efficiently when BOTH parties are all-in for

getting clarity in a “should I stay or go” situation and go BEYOND TALK THERAPY,

and actually get into unpacking the conditioning that has us showing up as reactive,

emotionally immature, and insecure.

5 spots left, and I have a promo code for the next 24 hours that will unlock a 50% discount.

(REWIRE THE ROOT CONDITIONING HERE)

Imagine it was 40 years ago.

And your parents were about to make an important decision.
They were sitting on an opportunity to help them heal a part of themselves.
They were on the precipice of deciding if NOW is the time
to resolve some of their childhood wounding.

The wounding that had them feeling like they were "not enough”.
The wounding that had them living with so much anxiety and pain.
The wounding that had them turn to addictions to help them regulate.
The wounding that contributed to their chronic health issues.
The wounding that caused them to be so reactive or shut down,
unable to be with your emotions,
and unable to understand and validate your perspective,
because they were too disconnected from themselves.

Take a moment and consider how that would have impacted your life if they did.

How would that impact your sense of self worth?
How would that impact your sense of self trust?
How would that impact your relationship with them and yourself?

Would you have wanted that for them?

What if they were “too busy”?

Would you have insisted they learn?

You bet you would.

That’s why Mark jumped “all-in" to do his inner healing work.

Initially he was in a “should I stay or go” situation with his wife.

She was ready to move on after trying to connect with him for years,
all to no avail.

She had enough.

And in so many cases with men who finally take responsibility
for healing their reactivity—that was Mark’s wake up call as well.

When he reached out to me, he was so disconnected from himself
and his wife— and here was his telltale sign when I asked him:

Do you love yourself?

At the time, he wasn’t able to even look in a mirror— let alone say “I love you”
to himself.

But he was committed to learning
how to become Trigger-Proof and Integrating his shadows—
the younger parts of himself that was holding onto shame.

He also became proficient at breaking the rupture/repair cycle.
He really got that those were critical skills not taught in school,
not taught to him by his parents, but he was committed to teaching them.

Today, the impact has been huge.

Even though he’s now separated with his wife, their relationship has flourished
as conscious co-parents for his two children.

And the best part of all:

His children couldn’t fathom saying “I love you” to themselves before he took on the work.

Today, they can and they do, and it’s all because of the fact that A RISING TIDE LIFTS ALL BOATS.

Our kids learn how to relate to themselves simply by watching us.
Our Anxiety becomes their anxiety.
Our sense of self worth becomes theirs.

Mastering this one skill of self-worth in our lives
prevents our children from having to spend thousands on therapy
because they learned through our unconscious behavior that they weren’t enough.

The greatest gift to our children is to provide them with parents that TRULY love themselves.
Their physical and mental health depends on how stable their parents are,
with themselves, with each other,
This is how we break the cycle.

Imagine if your parents took that on 40 years ago, and learned those skills.

How would your life be different?

The best news of all is that it’s never too late to rewire your past experience.
When you do, your magnetism emerges as you feel safer in your skin,
and all your relationships — with EVERYONE around you transforms
as a reflection of the safety you feel within yourself.

You’re THAT powerful.

Your wingman on the adventure,

Nima
_________

P.S. Ready to learn what it takes to break the cycle?
If you’re a parent and are concerned about how your
unresolved material could be impacting your kids and teens,
and want to learn about the foundations to ensure
that your children have the skills to ensure they
are raised to love and trust themselves,
you’re welcome to join my Cyclebreakers community
workshop: Connecting to an Anxious Child:
Support Your Kid's Emotional Health
by Becoming a Polyvagal Parent (From a Somatic Lens).
In this 3 hour workshop on Friday April 19th from 4-7pm PST (7-10EST)
we will cover the nuances that you didn’t learn growing up:
How to help a child move through uncomfortable emotions like anger and anxiety,
and how to stop repeating the same mistakes your parents made
and learn become the conscious, polyvagal parent your child needs.
$30 for a live zoom session with Q and A, with the replay taken down
after 48 hours.
If you’re wanting to learn how to turn anxiety into safety and
fear into freedom and pass that along to your child, you are most welcome.

In 2018, I remember hating what I saw when I looked in the mirror.
Shame— that feeling of being “inherently bad inside” 
the feeling behind the reason people end their lives….

Is not something we are born with: 

It’s something we are born INTO.

Like a fish being born into a fishbowl of dirty water,
we take on the shame of cultural norms we are raised in,
societal/family expectations, and unknowingly,
it lives in our bones.

It’s an energy that is heavy and it sits in your body.

You can tell when someone’s carrying it, can’t you.

Shame has a purpose, though. This is the main emotion 
that can be designed for a positive use: 
to allow us to co-exist with one another,
being mindful of our impact on those around us.

Healthy shame is what causes us to level up our situation.
I wouldn’t be teaching people how to transform their lives
and making an impact without it.

But when shame is left unexamined and unresolved,
the impact of the shaming that you are carrying 
from the experiences growing up
becomes THE weapon that causes intergenerational
wounds that cause us to suffer physically, mentally,
and relationally.

If you want to understand what I’m talking about here,

then simply think of a childhood experience where
you were left sitting in shame without someone
to help you make sense of it.

That child inside of you— or any child for that matter—
who exhibits a behavior and has an adult
reactively shame them— 
and leaves them without a conversation to repair,
without any explanations, or co-regulation,
without an empathetic witness on the same team
to guide and coach them toward a different, 
healthier behavior will grow up thinking they are INHERENTLY BAD.

This creates a massive charge in the child’s Nervous System.

And without an adult there to co-regulate with,
to cope with these very challenging sensations,
in order to survive, that child responds by creating a story:

“It’s my fault. I’m too much. I’m not enough. I’m bad”.

Often, this story will get wired in again and again, 
sometimes for decades.

Can you imagine the impact that might have?

If this sounds familiar, go ahead and track
the journey of several ruptures that the child inside of you 
has had growing up that was never repaired.

Here’s a list of all the shame-fuelled symptoms they might experience
throughout their lives and in relationships:

Low Self-Esteem: Constant exposure to shame 
leads to a deeply ingrained belief 
that one is fundamentally flawed or unworthy, 
manifesting as persistently low self-esteem.

Chronic Anxiety: Adults who were shamed as children 
will experience ongoing anxiety, 
particularly in social situations, 
paralyzed by fear of further judgment or rejection.

Depression: The internalization of shame 
contributes to feelings of hopelessness and depression, 
as the individual will believe 
they are undeserving of happiness or incapable of change.

Avoidance of Intimacy: Fear of vulnerability, 
stemming from shame, 
makes close relationships challenging. 
Adults will avoid intimacy to protect themselves 
from the possibility of being shamed again.

Perfectionism: In an attempt to counteract feelings of shame, 
individuals will become perfectionists, 
constantly striving to prove their worth through "flawless performance.”

Substance Abuse: To cope with the painful feelings associated with shame, 
some might turn to drugs, alcohol, or other forms of self-medication.

Aggression or Anger Issues: Shame also gets externalized as anger or aggression. 
This was massive in my last relationship,
and the very reason why it became abusive between us.
With shame, Individuals become easily triggered and engage in confrontational behavior 
as a defense mechanism.

Fawning/Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Those raised with shame 
struggle to assert their needs and set healthy boundaries, become people pleasers
as they might fear rejection or believe they don't deserve to have their needs met.

Problems with Authority Figures: Experiences of shame often leads to distrust of, 
or challenges with authority figures, 
stemming from early experiences of being shamed by caregivers or adults in positions of power.

Codependency: In adulthood, the quest for external validation 
to counteract internal feelings of shame is the root of codependent relationships, 
where the individual's self-esteem and emotional well-being are overly dependent on others.

If you can relate, you’re not alone.
You might not have known that unresolved shame was the main culprit.

That was my reality for my first 43 years of life.

And in helping people all over the world struggling in intimate partnerships, 
wondering if they should stay or go,
not being able to attract love that is secure — 
tired of the patterns repeating, 
they are relieved to realize they all have one thing in common:

Unresolved shame.
Just like our parents did.

That means we can actually do something about it.

But without confronting it, and working through it in community,

we are passing it down to our children,

and become mortified as we will inevitably watch them struggle 

with the EXACT SAME PROBLEMS listed above.

Luckily it’s never to late to break the cycle.

When we turn inward and learn how to integrate these shadows, 

become Trigger-Proof,

and master the art of regulating our nervous systems,

we can sit in the discomfort of shame and guilt and do something powerful:

We can ALCHEMIZE it— turning lead into gold— and create profound healing.

And then we can help the next generation— by listening and sharing.

That way instead of having them grow up with the same

codependent dynamics that started from shame— 

we get to be the ones to teach them that there is INHERENT GOODNESS inside of them.

It all starts with our willingness to get out of story, 

and master the art of creating

safety within, and becoming highly skilled at repair (with our own shameful parts first.)

And what a profound impact it has not only for us, but for our kids as well.

Lightness. Laughter. Play. Connection. Authenticity. Intimacy.

The deeper I go within myself and heal with the parts of me 

that were convinced they were shameful,

the more self expressed my son Dominic becomes, as my reactivity turns to

gentle responsiveness towards his behavior and emotions.

No screaming. No yelling. No shaming.

Coaching him to his own inherent goodness.

The shame spiral didn’t start with me,

but it ends with me— and that’s the biggest idea that I know of dedicating my life to.

And I’m honored to be walking that path with you.

Your wingman on the adventure,

Nima.

P.S. If navigating parenting challenges and nurturing a child's emotional well-being feels daunting, 

especially against the backdrop of childhood shame, you're not alone. 

You’re invited to Join our pivotal 3 hour workshop,

In the book “Laws of Human Nature” by Robert Greene, 

he summarizes in a beautiful way the focus of my life’s work:

Think back to your younger self-- growing up as a child (if you can remember it):

In the first 3 or 4 years our brains are especially malleable.

We experience emotions much more intensely,

creating memory traces that are much deeper than anything that will follow.

In this period of life we are at our most susceptible to the influence of others,

and the stamp which is left in these formative years is PROFOUND. 

Bowlby in the 80’s studied infants and their mothers patterns of attachment,

and came up with 4 basic Patterns:

1) Secure (Free/Autonomous)

2) Dismissing (Avoidant)

3) Enmeshed (Axious/ambivalent)

4) Disorganized

The secure/free/autonomous pattern comes from mothers who give their children

freedom to discover themselves, and are continually sensitive to their needs, 

but also protect them.

Dismissing mothers are often distant— even hostile sometimes and often rejecting.

Such children are stamped with the feeling of abandonment and the 

experience that they will always have to fend for themselves. 

(Think if you can relate to this in your childhood). 

The enmeshed/ambivalent/anxious mothers are not consistent with their attention: 

Sometimes suffocating and over-involved, and other times retreating because

they are swarmed with their own anxieties and problems. They can make their 

children feel like they have to take care of the 

people who really should be taking care of them. 

(Think back on your childhood if you can relate to this pattern and the impact it 

has had on you).

Disorganized mothers send highly conflicting signals to their children, 

reflecting their own inner chaos and early traumatic events.

Nothing their children do is right, and such children often develop powerful 

emotional problems. 

The are variations in these patterns, but the quality of our attachments to our caregivers

will create deep tendencies within us and will set up the blueprint for not only how 

our relationships will pan out— but also will impact our children as well.

In particular— the way we (and thus our children) will use relationships in order to handle 

and modulate stress. 

Children of the DISMISSING parent will tend to avoid any situation that will bring big emotions

that are negative, and to wall themselves off from feelings of dependency: 

Their battle cry: “I don’t NEED anyone!”

They will become Avoidant, and have problems committing to relationships 

and will unconsciously push people away.

Children of enmeshed parents will experience a great deal of anxiety within relationships, 

and will constantly feel a conflicting mess of emotions. These kids become “ambivalent”

towards people where they will pursue people and then unconsciously retreat. 

In general from our early years we will display a particular tone to their character:

Hostile and aggressive, 

secure and confident, 

anxious and avoidant, 

needy and enmeshing…

After helping folks with insecure attachments heal these wounds 

and set the groundwork for secure love… 

I realized something:  

Most of the Cyclebreakers in our community are also parents

realizing they have unwittingly co-created insecure patterns with their children. 

They’re seeing their kids get into relationships with their own co-dependency issues. 

That got me thinking...

My kid is growing up and it’s really important for me to ensure he doesn’t get into Trauma Bonds.

That means how I support him emotionally right now 

and how my relationship with both him and his mother play out

will be THE FACTOR in how he relates to his emotions, his behavior when he’s dysregulated, 

and how confident he feels with others. 

So far, it seems that the training I’ve received and am passing on to the participants in my community 

is creating some magical outcomes: 

He’s open, playful, and fearless when it comes to showing up in new situations. 

ZERO ANXIETY when it came to his first day of preschool. 

This is not a brag. 

It’s what happens when a kid is raised with parents that are Trauma informed, 

and willing to “do the work."

The most common comment we get about Dominic is “he’s so friendly and talkative.” 

He’s connected to empathy,

He is connected to his curiosity.

He is connected to his needs.

He’s connected to his own self worth.

And believe it or not, 

he’s beginning to understand the importance of asking for his needs to be met responsibly.

It seems that my journey to healing from my own co-dependency unknowingly created 

a skill within me I never thought I would be good at:

Parenting, and creating a home that feels like a sanctuary where everyone feels seen and heard.

A child not feeling seen and heard is the root cause of why we become anxious and codependent in the first place.

And by taking on the work to heal insecure attachment wounds, 

our children benefit from the overflow—  impact their relationship with THEMSELVES. 

The greatest gift we can give our children is a parent that loves themselves. 

Without this, we spill our anxieties onto them, taking on a life of self doubt and self blame (just like we did),

looking for solace in Codependent partnerships.

When we get this right, we break the cycle, and create a possibility where our children grow up to be 

self loving, resourceful, resilient, boundaried,

UNWILLING to tolerate being treated like shit because they love themselves. 

This is why I do what I do.

This is why I left Chiropractic to teach what I’m teaching.

It’s personal for me to be your co-pilot to helping break these challenging cycles.

With the right guidance and community, 

even in this environment that looks pretty scary for kids,

we can help raise children who trust themselves, are secure, 

confident and know their self worth.

I salute parents who take on the work of healing through their trauma, anxiety and reactivity,

so their children don’t have to.

Your wingman on the adventure,

Nima
_________________________________
P.S. If you are a parent wanting to up your game, and master the skills

to help your child with their anxious and problematic behavior, 

and learn how to create a home that feels l...

Like millions of parents out there, Jenny had an anxious kid.

The worst part of seeing our kids struggle with anxiety
is the feeling of powerlessness we have.
We just want them to know they’re going to be ok.

“Calm down”
“Take deep breaths”
“don’t be anxious”

are likely things your parents said to you when you were
younger and dealing with your fears, uncertainties,
and difficult emotions growing up.

Unfortunately, our parents didn’t have access to the
tools and awareness we now have.

Our parents didn’t understand about the Nervous System,
how our behavior is run by unresolved feelings underneath.

They didn’t teach us how to be with the charge that will arise
through the challenges of school, socializing with friends,
and getting/not getting approval of our classmates.

Jenny started seeing a lot of disconnection and dissociation
in her household and wanted to help her kids.

So she did something very few parents have the courage to do:

She decided to get past the blame game and decide to help the child inside of her FIRST.

By tending to the big emotions that arise every day within her, and learning
how to be with them and expand her capacity to be with her triggers,
(What I love to call “becoming Trigger-Proof”),
a calmness ensued— and she became a safe container for herself.

Then something magical happened— without having to send her kids to do any “therapy”
to “fix” them: 

They began to feel safer within themselves.

See, our kids are responding to the energy in the container of the household.

If there is incongruency and inauthenticity within our relationships—
there’s a funky “charge” that’s prouduced between us.

That’s how you can usually tell when someone’s lying to you.
Or when someone is saying “I’m fine” when they are not.

Kids can feel that between their parents.

What we have discovered is that more often than not,
when anxiety is involved,
kids are reacting to an attachment that is ruptured,
or a perception of a lack of safety in the home.

My son can always tell when there’s something not right
when my wife and I have had an argument.

Think of what your childhood was like when your parents weren’t getting along.

This is why the greatest thing we can do for a kid struggling with anxiety,
is to learn how to work with the charges that are arising within ourselves.

When we do, we become a safe container where intimacy can be shared,
feelings can be expressed,
and shame can be dissolved.

Instead of trying to fix her child, make him happy, or see her son as flawed,
Jenny took it on as a wake-up call to look within and see what her kid was reflecting within HERSELF.

This is what I call becoming a Trauma informed Parent.
She shares her story HERE.

Taking on the work of breaking intergenerational trauma cycles is the most heroic act we can do for our kids.

When we do, we feel safer within. Less reactive…
And when our kid shows up with a sense of anxiety, or fear of rejection— we know EXACTLY how to help them,
because we have already helped the child/teen inside of ourselves.

This is the work.
This is what it means to be a cyclebreaker.

We CAN teach our children what was never taught to us: How to develop a healthy sense of self worth.
To have confidence to take on challenges. To believe in themselves.

What a noble thing to dedicate yourself to something you never received growing up.

Anxiety isn’t a disease to fight.
It’s a wake up call to look inside.

Sending you so much love on your courageous journey within.

Your wingman on the adventure,
Nima
-------------------------------------------------------------------
P.S. Due to popular demand from our community, for the FIRST time
I’ll be hosting a workshop for parents who want to up their game
to help them connect better with their kids, and find healthier
alternatives to punishment/parenting with shame so they can
break the cycles they grew up in that led them to insecure attachment styles.
After all— where do you think you developed your anxious and avoidant
tendencies?

If you want to make sure you’re not creating anxious and insecure children,
kids who believe in themselves and won’t abandon themselves for anyone…
"You’ll love what you learn at Connecting to an Anxious Child:
Support Your Kid's Emotional Health by Becoming a Polyvagal Parent (From a Somatic Lens).”
You’ll be learning how to parent with a Trauma Informed Lens,
and I’ll be sharing somatic practices and strategies to help
kids process their big emotions and deepen your connection with them,
so they will WANT to spend time with you later in life, without
the resentment that develops with unconscious parenting.

For only $30 you can join us Friday April 19th at 4-7pm PST (7-10 EST)
or Saturday the 20th at 10am Sydney time in Oz.
Jump in and join us.

Take a moment to reflect on how boundaries were modelled to you growing up.
Were you punished for sharing them?
Guilted into removing them?

In my family system, they weren’t really taught to us elegantly.

I’m not even blaming my parents, either.
We can’t lead others where we have never been.

In persian culture, it’s considered rude to set boundaries.

Fawning (performative people pleasing) is taught to us at an early age,
with the concept of “tarof,”
which is all about violating our own boundaries to appease others.

We suppress our truth with a freeze response,
while another part of us performs an act of self-abandonment.

You can imagine how much drama that might cause in relationships,
as that truth needs to come out SOMEHOW,

mostly through gossip, backbiting, or shit-talking
so we can dispel that suppressed energy somewhere,
leaving the chance of authentic relationships in the dust.

Imagine an entire culture’s identity is built on a Trauma Response.

The impact of this incongruence between my needs and what I communicate
was one of the critical factors that were the perfect storm
for my Trauma bonded relationship with my ex to thrive.

Because I was so used to having my requests for space ignored,
because that was FAMILIAR (meaning—  “like family”)
I didn’t see it as a red flag.

I didn’t take that as a sign to walk away.

Having my boundaries for space disrespected wasn’t abnormal,
so it was no surprise that I stayed far too long in a situation
that was unhealthy….

All because I didn’t have the awareness, practice and training in the
elegant skill of setting healthy boundaries.

When you become Trigger-Proof,
and master the art of elegant boundaries,

You deepen the connection between you and the other.
Sounds counter intuitive, but it’s true:
Intentional, healthy boundaries become points of connection
between you and the other.
When intentional healthy boundaries are set in a relationship,
the resentment between you dissolves,
as you no longer have to abandon yourself
in order to be in a relationship with them, and vice versa.

Think of how you’d react if you knew someone
had to violate their boundaries just to be in a relationship to you.

(Chances are, it happens often,
and you’re not conscious of it).

This is why to heal and create secure connections,
we MUST be willing to learn.

As I learned to navigate the nuanced terrain of elegant boundaries,
all of my relationships became more secure,
more loving,
more fulfilling.

More relaxed, less anxious.

I didn’t have to go to the extremes
of either fawning or completely avoiding people.

It turns out, to my surprise,
there’s a beautiful place in the middle.

I could then honor the need my body was expressing in the moment,
and developed the confidence to know
that if another person wasn’t willing to honor that need,
that I didn’t have to fawn, appease, or people please to stay in the relationship.

I could just direct my energy towards those who honored me
as much as I honored myself.

What a startling discovery.
It wasn’t them.
And it wasn’t my fault, either.
It was MY responsibility to learn the skills I was deficient in.

The biggest obstacle is the shame of realizing
how much time I had spent in fawning.

How much of my life was invested in people pleasing.

And how bad I SUCKED at setting elegant boundaries.

Things are different now.

But now in helping the hundreds of people in our CycleBreakers community,
navigate the treacherous terrain of Fawning and setting boundaries,
I realized that we ALL have the task to show up
WILLING to eat the same humble pie.

We all are on the same climb,
and the only way to do it is to be:

WILLING to suck at boundaries,
WILLING to get it wrong,
WILLING to get into ruptures
WILLING to repair
WILLING to get messy
as we navigate our new identity that isn’t led by our Traumas.

I realized that If I didn’t have that willingness,
I was going to my grave never having experienced love that felt safe.

Only with this willingness and humility was I able to create Secure Love.

And that’s why I love sharing these practices with others
who are just as willing to suck at it,
while they learn how to master the most important skill never taught in school:

How to become better at love.

By putting down the magnifying glass,
and picking up the mirror,

and mastering the art of elegant boundaries.

Your confident, secure, boundaried self awaits.

You got this.

Your wingman on the adventure,

Nima

P.S. If the tale of performing to please, of silence over speaking truth, resonates with you,
then my 3 hour workshop is your next step toward clarity and self-respect.

On Friday March 15th from 4-7 PST (7-10 EST)
which is 12 pm in Sydney on Saturday March the 16th,
In the "From Fawning to Secure Boundaries:
How to Elegantly Advocate for Yourself in Relationships,” workshop, we address:

        • Cultural Narratives and Personal Boundaries: Unpack how family and cultural teachings impact your boundary setting.
        • The Art of Elegant Boundaries: Discover strategies for asserting your space that honor both your needs and those of others.
        • Breaking the Cycle of Fawning: Move beyond people-pleasing to genuine relationship building.
        • Conflict as Connection: Learn to use disagreements as opportunities to deepen bonds rather than drive wedges.
        • From Fawning to Confidence: Shift from appeasement to asserting needs confidently, knowing when to walk away and when to stay.
As we guide you through these themes,
Neurosensory exercises ensure the transformation from insight to action,
making the learning not just understood but embodied.

This workshop is more than a learning experience—it's a space for some messy transformation.
It's for those ready to venture beyond familiar patterns into a realm of secure,
authentic connections. If you're prepared to explore the depths of your relationships and yourself,
to embrace the awkwardness of learning, and to emerge with a newfound sense of boundary and self, this is your invitation.

SHIFT FROM FAWNING TO LIVING AUTHENTICALLY HERE

There’s a hidden root cause behind
most of our relationship challenges.

And it’s not about the “other” person.

It’s something more insidious.
In fact you can’t even feel it most of the time.

Most of us who are stuck in relationship dynamics that feel toxic,
living in a “should I stay or go” situation are painfully unaware
that there’s something deeper that isn’t being addressed.

It’s called “dissociation”.

Dissociation is a protective mechanism that causes us
to leave our bodies when we are children
when we encounter pain or emotional charge that is too much, too, soon,
or not enough for a prolonged period of time.

We end up numbing ourselves.
Disconnecting from reality.

Scrolling, numbing, avoiding, hiding.
Anything to avoid feeling what’s inside.

This causes us to live like we are floating,
drifting through life, grasping for safety, validation,
or to be seen and heard by others in order to feel love.

Without even knowing, this is how many of us do relationships.

This is exactly what was happening to Mona when she reached out to me.

Grieving the breakdown of her most recent relationship feeling like she was
disconnected from reality, she went all-in and decided to heal at a biological
level (not just through talk therapy which she had tried) to get to the root cause.

She discovered she was a fawner, conditioned from her South Asian background
to abandon herself and search for safety through men.

She was so low, she didn’t even know if life was worth living.

She had never learned how to create safety from within.
She had never learned how to take her triggers and turn them into deeper intimacy.
She had never learned how to navigate the challenging terrain of setting healthy boundaries.

But when she did, everything shifted for her.
You can hear her expression when I interviewed her in this 17 minute video.

Sometimes I get shocked at the transformation people achieve
when they learn how to become their own medicine.

And then I remember that the body knows exactly what to do when we
learn how to resource ourselves.

Dissociation causes us to live like our soul has left our body.
When that’s happening, we can’t advocate for ourselves.
We betray our own self worth for the sake of attachment,
and people pleasing becomes our only grasp at safety.

If you can relate to this, just know that there’s nothing wrong with you.

There’s likely a deep conditioned fawn response
and you haven’t likely even learned how to somatically attune to your own boundaries.

But when you do, as you can see from the look on Mona’s face,
you reconnect with yourself, your younger parts, your inner child,
and all the shadows (parts of you that you’ve been trying to avoid)
can come out and play and you get to experience what true self love feels like.

You can feel it radiating from her face and voice in the video.

If she can do it,
so can you.

We CAN learn how to become our own medicine,
and become the secure partner to ourselves --
the one we've been looking outside of ourselves,
waiting for.

I found everything I was looking for in a partner
after finding it in myself— from Dissociation to deeper connection.

And that’s why it makes my heart sing to teach this
to anyone willing to look inward and master this sacred practice.

You got this.

Your wingman on the adventure,

Nima.

If you ready to break free from the cycle of dissociation
that keeps you trapped in harmful relationship patterns,
I have a 3 hour training and you’re invited.

Dissociation, a common trauma response,
can make us escape into fantasy and neglect our own needs,
leading to a cycle of unhealthy relationships.

Join me on Friday, March 15th, from 4-7pm PST (7-10pm EST) /
 Saturday, March 16th, 11-2pm in Sydney, for our focused,
3-hour workshop: "From Fawning to Secure Boundaries.”
We’re limiting the session to 100 participants
to ensure personal attention and effective learning.
This workshop is crucial for anyone ready
to confront their dissociative habits and reclaim their sense of self in relationships.

For just $30, we’ll explore the links between dissociation and relationship fantasies,
how these fantasies lead to self-abandonment,
and practical steps to establish real, firm boundaries.
We’ll provide tools and techniques to keep you present and protected,
breaking the cycle of escaping into fantasy when things get tough.

If you’re tired of the disconnect and ready to face your relationships with a new,
grounded perspective, this is your chance.
Click here to secure your spot and take a definitive step towards healing and secure love.

(RELEASE DISSOCIATION AND FAWNING HERE)
http://go.drnima.com/w66da

What are your fantasies?

At first glance, you might be thinking that I’m talking about sexuality and fetishes.

I’m not.

I’m talking about the root cause of our Trauma Bonds.

Picture this:
you grow up in a childhood where you experienced the wounding of:

abuse,
loss,
abandonment
rejection (bullying)
emotional neglect,
maturing too early,

or shaming….

and you didn’t have attuned parents who could hold space for your emotions,
and help you regulate through them…

Then chances are, you as a child/teen
escaped into FANTASY in order to cope with that harsh reality.

It’s not your fault.

It’s a BRILLIANT mechanism that helps us survive.

Unfortunately it has harsh consequences in our adulthood.

It causes us to set unrealistic expectations for ourselves and our relationships,
INCLUDING OUR PARENTING,
which stifles our ability to be present with what is,
and create inspiring outcomes in reality.

This then becomes fertile breeding ground for Trauma Bonds,
attracting the insecure relationships and
narcissistic / codependent relationship dynamics
which always begin with love-bombing and pedestalizing one another.

See if you can recognize the pattern here:

“I love you, so now you must change and do whatever you need to do
in order to silence my insecurities and avoid saying or doing anything
that triggers my anxiety, because your job is to fulfill my desires and meet
my needs without ever disappointing me.”

Oh and I forgot— variation #1:  “if you don’t do this, then you’re the problem, you’re toxic,
and I can find someone who will love me for who I am.”

Variation #2: “if you don’t do this, then I’m going to complain until I
I get what I want”.

The sad part?

In this exhausting game, you’ll notice that IT’S NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.

Nothing will quite satisfy the fantasy— the desire to bring it back to
when the initial phase loaded with oxytocin and dopamine. 

Fantasy is defined as "the faculty or activity of imagining things,
especially things that are impossible or improbable.”

And finding something OUTSIDE of us to fill a childhood void is highly improbable.

And if you can resonate with what I’m sharing here, just know that you’re not alone,
and you aren’t doing anything “wrong.”

You simply haven’t learned the high level attachment skills necessary for secure love to thrive.

And 90% of that deep work is dissolving our fantasies,
detaching from our addiction to dopamine,
releasing the expectation of someone to rescue us from our childhood wounding,
and mastering the art of healing our attachment wounds that get activated in ANY relationship.

In other words, without mastering the art of the conflict/repair cycle,
dissolving our people pleasing/fawning responses and learning how to set elegant boundaries,
our relationships CAN’T be grounded in reality.

We regress to a child like state to cope with challenges,
we fawn and people please and abandon ourselves for the fantasy
steeped in pornography and romance novels,
instead of learning how to BE with what’s in front of us and create TRUE INTIMACY.

When I did this, my relationships completely changed.
I was able to set firm boundaries and the way people treated me completely changed.
I was able to find love that is secure, not chaotic and volatile.
I stopped trying to find love and validation OUTSIDE myself,
and found it within,
and when I did,

Secure love found me.

Now, instead of being my problem to solve,
I am with a woman who is MY PEACE.

This is what you deserve.
We were born for it.

But to get there, we must be willing to examine the root cause
and resolve it at a nervous system level,
shifting fantasy and mastering the ability to navigate reality.

When you do, you experience something truly magical,
being able to find magic in even the mundane moments,
no longer seeking intense and volatile passion (which means “to suffer”— look it up).

You deserve it.

Your wingman on the adventure,

Nima

P.S. Ready to stop falling for fantasy and start living in reality,
especially when it comes to relationships?
Fantasy can lead to fawning and ignoring our own needs and losing ourselves.
It’s time to learn how to set real, practical boundaries to keep ourselves safe and grounded.

Join me on Friday, March 15th, from 4-7pm PST (7-10pm EST) / Saturday, March 16th, 11-2pm in Sydney
for a straight-talking, 3-hour workshop: "From Fawning to Secure Boundaries.”
We’re keeping it small with only 100 spots to make sure everyone gets focused help.
This workshop is for you if you’re tired of getting lost in relationships that are more about make-believe than mutual respect.

For $30, we'll tackle why we slip into fantasy,
 how to spot when we’re abandoning our own needs,
and clear steps to start setting boundaries that stick.
No fluff – just practical skills and strategies to help protect yourself from falling into harmful patterns and relationships.

If you’ve had enough of feeling stuck and want to start protecting your space and energy,
this workshop is your move.
Click the link below to join and start changing the way you handle relationships.

END FANTASY AND MASTER BOUNDARIES NOW
http://go.drnima.com/w66da

These days my inbox is inundated with people
telling me how their ex is a narcissist.

And I get it, too.

I’m married now in a secure bond that’s polarized, but
when I was unpacking the sh*t show that was my last
relationship I was in,
I was surprised to discover that I was in a “trauma bond”
and went down the rabbit hole
through the Manual that psychiatrists use to diagnose mental disorders
and found 8/9 criteria a perfect match for my ex-girlfriend,
literally qualifying her to be diagnosed with Borderline
Personality Disorder,
co-morbid with Covert Narcissism.

I felt validated.

A little excited, to be honest —
FINALLY! I had the mechanism to understand WTF was
happening to me.

I understand the desire we have
to help us make sense of our partner’s behavior.

And I also get how diagnosing THEM
helps to keep US safe from our own part in our dance.

“If I can confirm that THEY are the sick one,
then I don’t have to be the “bad guy. I was right!”

In other words, diagnosing THEM protects ME from
SHAME.

And this is key take home point:

Shame is the insidious seed from which the twisted vine
of narcissism grows,
wrapping around the soul,
obscuring the light of true self-worth.

It’s all about shame (and our avoidance of it).

Avoiding toxic shame
is why we deflect any responsibility in an argument and
get defensive.

Avoiding shame is why most of us refuse to look at
ourselves,
play the victim and blame the other.

Avoiding shame is why we can’t see ourselves as the
problem.

It’s why Taylor Swift’s “Anti-Hero” song is so pivotal:
She finally acknowledges that SHE is the problem in her
relationship woes.
That SHE is the common denominator.

Something most of us are unwilling to do.

Our lack of capacity to HOLD our shame
is what causes us to AVOID our shame
to the point that we put up a wall to block the pain,
and as that wall goes up– so does our capacity to have
empathy towards others.

Ever feel like you’re talking to a brick wall
when someone doesn’t want to own their part of the
dance?

This is shame-avoidance: the effect of unresolved trauma.

And our shame avoidance destroys our health AND
relationships.

HOW THIS ALL RELATES TO YOU

I have had the privilege of helping people heal from being stuck
in “should I stay or go” dynamics
where they are trauma bonded and have no clue what to do.

“Is it me? Or is it them? Am I the narcissist? Or are they?”

While I agree that Narcissism has a spectrum from
“ever-so-slight narcissistic traits”
(someone who can’t hold and contain someone else’s feelings without deflecting or making it about them)
to full blown malignant Kanye West/Donald Trump-style personality

which is overtly obvious to everyone around us,
because most of us didn’t get our attachment needs
properly met as children,

WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE “KANYE WEST” WITHIN US.

And my experience in working with hundreds of people in
the last year alone,
those who can’t see the narcissistic parts within themselves
are the most narcissistic in their behavior.

You know them when you see them too–
they always seem to be the victim to EVERYONE.
It’s always everyone ELSE who’s the problem (never THEM).

The truth is,
depending on our Nervous System state,
we all have these traits within us– even those who identify as Codependent.

And don’t get me started on self-diagnosed “Empaths” —
which is another form of self-appointed grandiosity.

If you truly want to create secure relationships
(which is likely why you’re reading this),
Instead of pointing finger and diagnosing the other
person,

it’s wiser to understand the mechanism of where it comes
from,
so that you can see yourself in it.

If you can SEE it, then you don’t have to BE it.
As you can see in this video,
I share exactly the mechanism where Narcissism comes
from.

It’s quite fascinating and learning this has helped inform me
of exactly how I want to raise my son Dominic to break the
cycle,
as I can easily identify with being raised with wonderful
parents
who did the best they could, and didn’t have a trauma-
informed lens,
and unknowingly passed down some unhealthy
adaptations onto me
that created the perfect storm for me to enter into a
relationship

with a perfect match someone who was a perfect match for my narcissistic wounding.

If you can relate to this,
and see yourself in the video–
either as a child who didn’t get their attachment needs
met,
or a parent who unwittingly passed down some unhealthy patterns,
just know I see you and it’s not your fault.

The good news is that secure relationships ARE POSSIBLE for you
if you’re willing to heal at the root cause where your biology is concerned.

You CAN create a secure, magnetic relationship with a
partner who is devotional
if you’re willing to master the art of becoming Trigger-Proof.

You CAN shift the dynamic of your Trauma Bonded
relationship
if you’re willing to master the art integrating with those
shameful,
hidden parts of yourself and communicate with polarity.

Most importantly,
you literally shift the way others show up for you
by taking RESPONSIBILITY (not blame)
for your own woundings that arise in conflict,
and master the art of turning that conflict into deeper
intimacy.

It’s possible.

WHY WE ATTRACT NARCISSISTS

One of our Cyclebreakers Lauren did just this.
Born to a Narcissistic Rage-a-holic mother who kept
attracting Narcissists,
she went from pining after an ACTUAL narcissist who had
a gambling problem

where she lost almost everything,
to doing the deep inner work, becoming Trigger-Proof and
meeting this amazing guy Patrick,
who didn’t give her the feeling of primal panic during their
dating period.
She made the shifts and he started showing up for her,
planning dates,
and introducing her to his family within the first few
months of dating.

A year later and they have taken their relationship and
when I checked up on her,
they’ve moved in together.

She told me he was different from the get go– no guessing,
no breadcrumbing, no blame-shifting, gaslighting or
having to mother him.

She attracted a healthy masculine man after making the
shifts.

Her first question to me when she came to the Overview
Experience was
“Why do I keep attracting Narcissists?”

The truth is that we don’t attract Narcissists,

we are attracted TO what will cause our childhood
woundings to arise,
and without the right tools,
without taking responsibility (not blame),
and without healing our attachment wounding
and mastering the art of repair,
we will attract trauma bonded dynamics
and we will PUSH SECURE DYNAMICS AWAY.

And that’s not our fault,
but it is our responsibility
if we want to make sure we go to the grave
ACTUALLY having experienced love that is secure.

This is what you deserve.

Love that is secure.

And to do that,
we need to put down the magnifying glass we use to label
our partners,
and do something MOST PEOPLE are unwilling to do:
pick up the mirror and learn how to alchemize our shame....

If you’re a man, or you’re in a relationship with a man, you’re wise to learn about the two fundamental fears every man contends with in relationships.
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P.S. Remember, the end of a trauma bond isn't just an ending; it's the beginning of a journey back to your true self. You’re welcome to take that step together on Friday February 16th for only $30 for a 3 hour zoom event (Saturday morning of the 17th in Sydney)
Break Free from Trauma Bonds and Heal Codependency Here
https://go.drnima.com/60wcj

Replay up for 48 hours.

OR

Dissolve your current relationship resentment, heal your attachment wounds, resolve your past and bring clarity to your next step.
Upcoming Overview Experience Virtual Event (February 14th 2024)
https://go.drnima.com/oevw/?sl=podcast

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