Two Gents From Nowhere

Was Independence Day based on a true story? Will snooty/snotty waiters pretend not to understand extra-terrestrials if they visit Paris as tourists? And is it wise for NASA to be sending nudes (of people) into space to attract aliens? All this and more in Episode 13, which includes a singular analysis of the Earl of Wessex’s first ever ride on a train, a first-hand review of the chocolate-scented bathrooms in the Hershey Lodge, and a heated discussion re Dominic’s dubious assertion that Novak Djokovic is rubbish at tennis. Plus, the return of the show’s popular segment “Piece of IKEA furniture, or city in Sweden?”

Inquiries: [email protected]  

Is Coming to America the greatest movie of all time? Dominic is joined on the phone from New York City by Phil, who makes an impassioned case from his Manhattan hotel suite for Randy Watson, Reverend Brown, King Jaffe Joffer & co. Also: How do you fry 580 kilos of buttock meat on sacred ground? Should you sue your parents for giving birth to you without your consent? And just how concerned really is Prince Charles, Prince of Wales, Earl of Chester, Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Carrick, Lord of the Isles, Baron of Renfrew and Prince and Great Steward of Scotland, with the cost of living for working families?

With an intellectually aroused Phil in New York City and a bolshie Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.

Inquiries: [email protected]

Dominic and Phil bid to umble-cum-stumble a world in which depressed fictosexuals marry inanimate AI cartoon holograms, Fabio gets hit in the face by a goose on a Greek god-themed rollercoaster, and wan-faced codgers in ED commercials grapple with monstro fishing rods. Meanwhile, Dominic reports back after getting mercilessly racked at the Queen’s Birthday Party at the British Ambassador’s Residence in Buenos Aires.

With a litigious Phil in Los Angeles and a protracted Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.

Inquiries: [email protected]

The Two Gents tackle more of life’s pressing questions, such as: Did Phil once stiffen the wombat backstage with Robert Goulet?; Has Her Maj the Queen’s stunt double ever visited a McDonald’s Drive Thru in the Gold State Coach?; Why would anyone sane ever fold burritos in a Chipotle in the Metaverse?; Is Meatballs III: Summer Job a better movie than The Godfather? and Why is Buckingham Palace named after the man who sang that song in National Lampoon’s Vacation? Plus, Tri-Tip Nachos vs. Smothered Quail and the return of the show’s very own Bob Sacamano.

With a hungry Phil in Los Angeles and a nauseated Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.

Inquiries: [email protected]

Would Her Majesty the Queen order the Toddle House at the Waffle House? What, exactly, is National Footwear Workers Day? And should you seek help, or buy a $300,000 virtual tiara? Dominic and Phil return to ponder everything, nothing and some of the stuff in between. Plus, due to popular demand, the return of “Piece of IKEA furniture, or city in Sweden?”

With a lounging Phil in Los Angeles and a humiliated Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.

Inquiries: [email protected]

Can Dominic peddle his poetry on OnlyFans? Will Phil rub rumps with a wobbly wombat? The Two Gents return to sort Thomas Jefferson’s chicken breasts from the Duke of Wellington’s aristocratic thighs—with a jumbo dollop of applesauce on the side.

The Two Gents from Nowhere struggle to understand each other (again) as they wrestle like the British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith with life’s biggest questions, including: “How mild is mild seasoning?”; “What’s the difference between a callus and a corn?”; “How do you pronounce ‘Mall’ or ‘Qatar’?”; “What is a fanny?”; “Is there a difference between early-90s WWF and the present-day Royal Family?”; “What’s the significance of the number 87?”; and “Is a stick just a stick or is a dressing gown just a robe?” Meanwhile, Dominic plays Jim Acosta to Phil’s eerie Donald Trump impression as Her Majesty the Queen closely examines teapots through half-moon spectacles.

With a baffled Phil in Los Angeles and a dumbfounded Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.

Mentioned in this episode:

Dominic Hilton’s Buenos Aires Diary 6.0 https://thecritic.co.uk/dominic-hiltons-buenos-aires-diary-6-0/

Penny Knatchbull (aka Countess Mountbatten of Burma, Lady Romsey, or Lady Brabourne) https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10663101/Prince-Philips-closest-confidante-pays-respects.html

As Phil goes full Clark W. Griswold about his “mind-boggling” weekend at Disneyland, Dominic turns his sick mind to sexy photos of Her Majesty the Queen. Plus: What the hell is the steam that comes out of the ground in New York City? Is turducken the human centipede of Thanksgiving food? And what is a Wotsit? Meanwhile, Dominic regrets reading out a couple of carelessly composed limericks almost as much as he regrets once eating balls in a roadside shack somewhere in Portugal.

With a livid Phil in Los Angeles and a hallucinating Dominic Hilton in Buenos Aires.

Inquiries: [email protected]

A hungover Dominic & a revenge-hungry Phil thrash out assorted topics, including: Is it proper to scalp clerics over the quality of wine served in a local tavern?; Should one eat Swedish meatballs on a date?; and Is Vladimir Putin welcome in the Metaverse? Plus, what does “Give him a good batty-fang!” mean? Meanwhile, Dominic goes a dismal 3-for-8 in Phil’s "Piece of IKEA furniture, or city in Sweden?" challenge.

Inquiries: [email protected]

The Two Gents struggle to make sense of a world in which barbers flog you rubber johnnies, greengrocers blue rinse your barnet, and scotch eggs are replaced by nuclear bombs. Plus, how do you correctly spoon cabbage soup in the presence of Her Majesty the Queen?

From Phil in Los Angeles and Dominic in the bottom of an empty pool in Buenos Aires (actually, his microphone was acting up, we'll have it fixed next week).

Inquiries: [email protected]