Umpire Pants

It's a re-run of our Halloween Episode! We have some new ones coming, so don't fret, folks! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Bill wasn't willing to drive over an hour to record with us in person, but we're back! THIS IS STILL OFFICIALLY A PODCAST! We're doing two-times a month eps now, folks. Bill's Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Detroiters. Shout out to our Canadian listeners! Have you heard the fake English Italian song? Mary is afraid of carwashes, but nothing else. Bill loved the Elvis movie, even though he just said biopics are hokey. Rod Stewart talk. Bat report: Got a bat. Our Botan Rice candy tattoos. Kelley's Hint List! How to clean after broiling meat. Drapery Rules. Rules for new down pillows. Umpire Pants Out!

Sorry for the long wait, but we’re back! Sort of. This was recorded while Kelley was out on vacation and she just finally posted it. We’ll be back-back soon.

Hi to the Canadians! Bill’s family is at Comicon and costumes are discussed. Mary doesn’t like most vampire movies, and The Dayshift is no exception. Our dad is here, too! Bill watched the George Carlin and Gary Shandling documentaries on HBO. Bill’s Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Larry Sanders show. (Kelley did the Oh Word drop, guys, but she’s flattered it was called out as Nigel-quality.) Mary and Russel had a wild trip to Portland, including a near death choking experience, a car break-in, and a confrontation the family does not condone. Mary eats baking chocolate? WTF. Russel is here to talk about ice cream toppings (start with Costco’s Super Premium ice cream) and general Costco talk ensues. Kelley’s Hint List! Use a butter bucket to make a stool! Stitch through a blotter after oiling your sewing machine to pick up leftover oil. Remove dirt patches on your floor with a turpentine rag. Umpire Pants Out!

Bill is on the phone and we talk about The Twits right off the bat. The Stupid’s books were great. The Godfather and Deer Hunter movies are mixed up in Kelley’s head. Kelley recommends Claws one final time as a “good bad show.” Bill recommends Banshee as another over the top show. Kelley has a New Wives Tale: You can freeze fresh guacamole!!! Mary ate some rotten beans and might die. We used to have a potato drawer. Mary was very briefly cut off from baked beans. If Bill dies, it’s from a cat scratch. Toe update from Bill. Bill’s Timely Movie Review: Dirty Dancing edition. Kelley’s Hint List! Slipcover fabric hints. Cover holes with patches. Use ammonia on your chandeliers. Umpire Pants Out!

We're having a heat wave and Bill's hotdog toe isn't making him want to travel to Seattle, so we're taking a week off. Here is an episode from one year ago. We'll be back soon, folks! Love you! XOXO Kelley

Bill is calling in with a serious toe injury. !!!SKIP AHEAD to MINUTE FIVE (5:00) IF YOU’RE SQUIMISH!!! Mary hurt her back putting on pants and Kelley buzzed her head. What are we watching? Stranger Things; Only Murders in the Building; Obi Wan Kenobi (SPOILER ALRT – Obi Wan – I have no idea if Bill was joking about this being a spoiler – KJ). The stinger animals have beef with Mary – why? Herman got scared of a spider, and Bill remembers an old baby spider story. Costa Rican creatures. Mary’s Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Non-listener Meaghan submitted this week’s bowling meat recipe. Mary’s rude to service workers still. Wing doors seem like a bad idea when you’re lifting kids out of backseats. Kelley’s Hint List: Wrap your mop in a bag to shake it if you can’t go outside. Remove grease with soap and French chalk (AKA Tailor’s Chalk). Don’t wash away your linoleum. Umpire Pants Out!

Oh boy, I haven’t even started listening, but I know this one got super sloppy as the second of an outdoor double-header.

The Mariners are getting fun, so we’re going to a game. Old racists don’t like baseball to be fun. Bill thinks people are secretly drinking a lot more. Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Lasagna. We talk sugar in tomato sauce. It’s Mary’s Anniversary, and she reveals she gets in a fight every day! Congratulations to 52 years of daily fights and not getting a divorce. The Green Giants – The Hulk and The Jolly Green. Toby McGuire love. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Bill recommends The White Darkness. Trader Joe’s all have bad parking lots. Max is doing jokey stuff. Raccoons and crows teaming up could mean trouble. We’re gonna let animals take over for awhile. Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Baked potatoes. Bill has a good archiving project to see what regular people look like during different eras and places. Colbert Question: What song would you choose if you had to listen to one for the rest of your life? Kelley’s Hint List! Clean and save your bacon rind. Select dress patterns according to bust and hips. Sharpen your sewing machine needles with a wet stone. Wipe your sweeper brushes occasionally. Umpire Pants Out!

It’s a live outside recording today! We’re at Bill’s and he’s fresh off some serious R&R (Hawaii and Ween). Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Vape pens. Kelley has weird self imposed cheapskate rules. Biopics are all hokey! Mary watched RRR and she liked it…A LOT! What time of day should Kelley watch this long ass movie? Kelley again recommends Russion Doll with Natasha Lyonne. And the time travel movie Primer comes up again as a recommendation, along with Time Crimes. And Outlander. Fanny Packs are back! We talk about Ross and the show starts to fall apart. Bill had a great security guard experience at Ween. A Ross Schaefer joke that Bill can’t forget. Mary has a story about chips, and a customer service nightmare experience. We can’t stop talking about local stores (I actually for real cut some out today, Nutballs). Bill is hooked on TJ Hooker. Bill is getting into the Phoney Call-y podcast. Kelley’s Hint List! Remove white spots on shellacked floors. Clean your plaster décor with starch and water. We read a complicated Damask and dirndl and salt bag hint. The plastic situation is a losing battle. Seattle Pride Parade recap – Mary still loves Dykes on Bikes. Kelley had a rare opportunity where riding the monorail made sense. Umpire Pants Out!

It’s the second episode of a Double Header, but it’s early and Saturday so we’re not too worried. City fast food vs. suburban fast food. Acres of Clams is a gross tagline. Mary gives a cat update. Bill has to deal with Unemployment Fraud again. Mary got a bonus at the casino, but it sounds like the dealers are struggling. Max the Dog wants to stay in bed all morning. Lack of empathy in society. We steal another Colbert Question: Have you ever asked a famous person for an autograph? Kelley found out Mr. Rogers does all the puppet voices when she saw him live! Mary reads the intro to Kelley’s Hint List! Don’t strangle your heating system. Use 5x the fabric for recovering your chair. Oil the motor on your electric mixer. Umpire Pants Out!

Sorry, I’m not doing great, don’t have my shit together and have fallen down completely on releasing these on time, and I probably won’t ever get there again. This podcast is doomed and we all know it. Fuck the Patriarchy. Enjoy!

We’ve had a shitty spring and no one should have lawns. Mary is moving to Cleveland. Bill finished RRR and gives it two thumbs up. New Wives Tale: Burt Reynolds Edition. We try to clear up a childhood mystery regarding nudy pics grandma had in her apartment. Who is in the painting Kelley has by her front door? Being bad neighbors. Colbert Question: Favorite Action Movie? Kelley’s Hint List: Using and painting putty. Run hot water before emptying dishwater. Umpire Pants Out!