Umpire Pants

***I found the SD card! Yes, me, Kelley, not my husband at all, it was me! Enjoy this now outdated episode, everyone.*** It’s episode 227 and we’re hoping you fondly remember the TV show, and it rubs off on our podcast. Bill is making fondue for New Year’s, but he’s resisting the idea of adding baked beans for some reason. Mary assumes we know what a corm is, and boy is she wrong. Mary loves to make wrapping paper, and to get mad at us for not appreciating it. Rest in peace to Betty White. (We put a clip from Lake Street Dive’s cover of the Golden Girl’s Theme song in this ep, check out the whole song, and their other stuff! @lakestreetdive on twitter). Kelley’s Hint List! Using urea for plants, and drying your brushes. Umpire Pants Out!

HEY SO I LOST THE SD CARD THIS WEEK'S EP IS SAVED ON. I'M CONVINCED IT'S IN MY APARTMENT STILL, BUT I'M ALREADY A DAY LATE POSTING, SO ENJOY THIS RETRO EPISODE FROM ABOUT A YEAR AGO. XOXO - KELLEY

The first day of winter was a doozy in the Seattle area. We remember a weird antique store with a creepy doll room. Getting lost driving. Mary is going to try Dry January. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The John Carpenter Movie They Live. Mary is setting up a hummingbird fight club, and thinks cats will burn to death if you don’t prevent it. King of the Dudes! Mary got a Rant and Rave published in the Seattle Times! Improperly fitted masks in the NFL. Which side is your appendix on, Bill?! What about your gizzard? Recipes from First Graders. Macaroons, Banana Split. Mary’s parking ticket saga. Kelley’s Hint List! Turn off lights to save money. Wax your car’s chassis. Turn on faucets before buying a house. Umpire Pants Out!

It's the holidays, and we kind of just got off track this week, so you're getting a re-run, but don't fret, it's a good one! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! XOXOXO

Well, we tried, we failed, we learned nothing along the way, and we are still mad at each other. Enjoy this weeks long journey through the pandemic, where Mary refuses to join the herd and wear comfortable pants, Kelley desperately tries to convince her, and Bill is just sort of amused by how it all plays out. Umpire Pants Out!

Bill calls in for a short boy on a Sunday! Gathering with family as a new Covid variant emerges. Kelley and Mary are doing Christmas shit. The cats are in charge in our households. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Making Crunchwraps at home! Reviews of Cooking Recipes! But first, Bill reviews Casa Blanca, because Mary can’t find her review. We hear about a corn bread stuffing recipe, and how to deal with living in the PNW through the shitty weather. We saw a goat and it really made an impression. Kelley’s Hint List! Boil vinegar or baking soda in water to remove burned on stains. Use starch on curtains for easier care. Go around buttons so you don’t mess up your iron.

It’s a late record, it’s a short boy, and we’re off to a great start. Bill and Mary can’t handle dirty dishes anymore. Do we need to do a welfare check on Jay Leno? We have a short chat about Christmas music, and Mary claims to know something about inflation. Bill reveals he was dying for Underoos as a kid. We’re all boosted up – get vaccinated folks! Kelley wants to brag about donating blood and it gets rambly. Mary has an elevator etiquette problem, and Kelley and Bill are not buying it, but they sure talk about it for a long time! Kelley’s Hint List! Garden hose tips. Magnet fishing as a hobby. Mary’s Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Umpire Pants Out!

The gang’s back together, but Kelley didn’t hit record, like a dipshit, so we try to recap what we lost. The Arches of Science are giving us Kraken spoilers. We’re excited Impossible burgers are available at the new stadium! Mary wants you to stop the show and tell a friend to listen. Bill is going to distribute his famous Chocolate Pie recipe. Should we be recording all our kid’s performances? Kelley and Bill need to take a sibling trip to sort out family photos. Bill has a strange story of paying for food pick-up, and we discuss the nightmare that delivery apps can be for restaurants. We see some fascinating entitlement on this week’s Nextdoor Update. Try pomegranate seeds on your tuna sandwiches. The vulgar recipe book song was MIA, but Kelley found a different recipe one she forgot about. We’re re-committing to our White Men Can’t Jump Podcast, coming someday. Kelley’s Hint List! Don’t burn your garbage in your boiler. You can repair most crockery with glue. Umpire Pants Out!

Bill calls in from the Podcast Shed on this Black Friday record! We recap Thanksgiving and Bill has a forest creature pop in. How did our chocolate pie tradition start? What movies are we watching this weekend? CSI Miami talk. Sir Mix-a-Lot was at the Westlake tree lighting, but it was still pretty boring. We come back from the break without Bill and Kelley makes Mary defend her sweet potatoes from Thanksgiving. Mary tells a tale of trying to track down a guy on the street she feels like she owes money to. We read a Review of a Cooking Recipe for damp fish, and then finish the day off with Kelley’s Hint List. Umpire Pants Out.

Sorry for the late release, folks! We’re kicking off the holiday week with another short and sloppy boy! Non-listener Meaghan joins Kelley and fits right in with an Ernst reference before we even hit record. We chat about the Kraken theme song by Aaron Jones that gets played before games, and then discover the Mariners have an odd official theme, but it has nothing on the Orlando Magic’s song that is making a comeback. What did the Fly Girls wear, anyway? And why did Kelley assume everyone would know who the Fly Girls were? Your punishment for living in such a beautiful part of the country is having to hear Christmas in the Northwest at least once a year. Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve is the Seahawks walk-out music, and has always been oddly fitting. We do Recipes from First Graders and our guest knows the author of the first one - everyone check out local guitarist Kyle Summers! Kelley’s Hint List! Ashes don’t burn, clean your stove. Iron shirt collars front to back – Meaghan is peeved about this one! Umpire Pants Out!

We come out slow and sloppy with an electricity joke. BLACK STALLION SPOILERS are a potential here, because Mary is getting the Black Stallion from the library, and has Nate Bargatze tickets coming up, so she’s got things to look forward to! What movies are better than the books they’re based on? Bill says Jaws and The Godfather. Mary regrets reading Lord of the Rings. Superman talk. Mary got more Rant and Raves in the paper and we see if we can figure out which one is hers. Mary is taking a jewelry class and made some rings! We have some Tacoma jokes from the Seattle Joke Book! Mary has some Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Bill recounts helping a stranded teenager last summer, and helping a drunk guy on a bike years ago. We do some Recipes from First Graders! And Mary shocks us all by ending the show with an extra early Umpire Pants Out!

Surprise intro! Mary’s coming in hot, but in denial about it. We discuss Aaron Roger’s dipshit interview. Bill brags about reaching stuff off the top shelf for strangers, and Mary reminds us of her short-legged life hack for that very situation. Mary has adopted a street, but gets mad at us and barely finishes telling us about it. Bill confesses he has a gas leaf blower. Bill has some old guy musings regarding Snoop Dogg and Cheers. Halloween wrap-up. Mary brought the Seattle Joke book, and boy have we got a song for you! Kelley is blown away to learn the seed baron Ed Hume is from the Seattle area. Mary has some cooking recipe reviews. Bill has some great workout advice. Kelley’s Hint List! Make sure your house doesn’t have a 3-foot bathtub before you purchase it. Umpire Pants Out