Umpire Pants

Bill is here by phone this week. Podcast recommendation: Crime Travels. We don’t know how to launder money, but we’ll figure it out. We need to come up with a family scam. The USA is like a carnival midway. Bill has another timely review - Pinocchio, the movie and the book. Mary is the Queen of Rant and Rave. Mary had a call with a very serious King County employee. We falsely accuse Mary of saying fustrating. Jaw and Toe update from Bill. Mary has a story about a cat. Kelley’s Hint List! Measure rooms before buying a house to see if your furniture fits. Use an untreated mop on rubber tile floors. Umpire Pants Out!

It’s another 2/3 Episode, y’all, Bill is out, but old steady Kelley is here! We’ve had a hot smoky week, and being stuck inside for just a few days has gotten to us! Kelley gives two sides to getting unsolicited comments from strangers. We get distracted by bees on the 11th floor balcony. Is a clusterfuck like an orgy, and did our grandma participate? Mary takes the critic’s side, on this week’s Reviews of Cooking Recipes segment! Did Mary go to the Beef, It’s What’s for dinner opera? There are three kinds of pants according to Herman. Kelley talks about a sandwich for quite a long time. Mary rambles about a breakfast burrito, then we call it a day. Umpire Pants Out!

We’re live on scene camping this week and the crows are yelling, folks! Mary isn’t here, but we have a segment from her. Bill’s piss-toe is back, baybee! Camping without a fire and cooking while camping. We play Seattle Times Rant and Rave – which one did Mary write? What is your camping treat? Email us! Growing up with a toy store in the family. Bold chipmunks and weird stuff in your shoes. It was a short boi, see you next week! Umpire Pants Out!

This is the second of a double header, and it shows! Bill has MORE than three reasons he likes Kelley. Mary made muffins with real sugar and it’s the talk of the town. Should Bill get a fancy Seth Rogan gravity bong? Yes, listeners, he should. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Roshomon. Mary declares if certain movies are considered Movies or Films…and her definition of a film is interesting! Bill thinks people need to stop going to the first Starbucks and start going to the first Costco. Mary’s Wheel of Fortune skills are not good, but they’re funny! Should we dress up and scam tourists? Marketing emails. Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Some good license plate and bumper sticker jokes. Kelley’s Hint List! Cut trees away from your chimney. Mild scouring powder can be used on stainless steel. Our family hall of horrors, displayed in a clock? Get vaccinated everyone! Umpire Pants Out!

We’re back together, and we have a new table! Mary took a re-con mission to Skippers, and didn’t really elaborate on that story. Mary has been volunteering. Bill is officially endorsing Popeye’s Chicken. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Dolly Parton. Please listen to Cash on the Barrelhead on the break today. What does your husband prefer you wear? Chef Boyardee Lasagna? Let’s make Bill try it. Mary has to RIDE in a car for four hours and is complaining. Mary’s Shitlist of the Week: Poor toe art. Email signatures. Drinking healthy smoothies. Recipes from First Graders! Kelley’s Hint List! Make pillows out of old shirts. Displaying cut flowers. Dye your old towels to match your curtains! Umpire Pants Out!

I didn’t pick a title this week, gosh darn-it, I forgot! But I’m not re-listening to find one, so you’ll have to survive with my half-hearted Oops All Berries reference, but I assure you, you’ll be fine. XOXO -Kelley

It’s a Mary and Kelley Ep, but Bill will call in for a bit in the second half. We are announcing Medium Boy Summer, our episodes are going to be 45 minutes until the weather gets bad again. Kelley was a full grown adult before she knew the sport is called badminton not badmitton. Mary and Russ partied in Moses Lake. Mary found a Women’s Day from the 60s and reads us an article about a fashion robot. Cigarette ads and flavor talk. We went camping last week and Mary stayed in a shitty motel. Joan Jett and Pat Benatar aren’t the same person. Reviews of Cooking Recipes! We call Bill, and learn about his loud neighbors. Bill wonders why Mr. McCoy didn’t teach us about time and temperature, and roasted us instead, and that leads us to some hyperlocal school talk. Kelley’s Hint List! Move your cut flowers to a cool place every night. Defrost your fridge every 10 days. Removing alcohol stains. Umpire Pants Out!

We’ve taken our new equipment on the road! This episode was recording outside during a family camping trip, and we took advantage of our situation and smoked a joint, so don’t get your hopes up on content. Kelley tells the tale getting trapped in a parking garage with Herman. Mary proposes a top-ten drinking episode compilation. Bill watched the Towering Inferno, so he has a timely review! Second run movies. We take a break and don’t really re-group. Kelley tries to re-light a joint about 100 times, with a terrible lighter. Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Reviews of Tablecloths? Nextdoor Update – a fascinating suspicious person description. Umpire Pants Out!

Mary went to Portland, and Kelley and Bill decided to record remotely. The only problem was, Kelley couldn't find a decent headset, and the recording sounded too terrible to release. So please enjoy this trip down memory lane, with Episode 148 from one year ago this week.

It’s Episode 200, and we discuss our Skippers plan! Elivira was in the Groundlings. Kelley’s an old lady now. The robots probably won’t take our jobs if we demand living wages. Mary has a new term for Man Caves: Bro Hole. Mary is judging your couch. We do a taste test of corn muffins. Reviews from a Skippers. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Wikipedia page for the Polari language. Is James Beard named that because he has a beard? We discuss ice cream truck songs, Turkey in the Straw, and remember the Roy Otis Character from the Robin and Maynard radio show in Seattle. Recipes from First Graders! Potstickers. Mary can’t do Celsius because of beer. Kelley’s Hint List! Removing tobacco stains. Umpire Pants Out!

Mary brought three reasons she likes Bill! And Kelley is still unclear about what #1 is. Kelley has three reasons she likes Bill too, but it’s not as fun because she was hoping Mary would forget and look bad. Pizza talk with Doug and Jim! Assless Chaps Update. Mary has a Pants Stance, and no surprises here, she’s being a pain in the ass about it. Mary returned some stuff for Kelley. We share stories of shoplifting. Max the Dog update: Happy Boy. What weird food have you found in bed? The Muppet Show. Kelley’s Hint List! Removing age-yellow. Use rubber jar rings to hold down throw rugs. Tap ceilings with a broom when you’re house shopping. Umpire Pants Out!