Umpire Pants

We’re back in person, and getting a cat update, live with Emmet and Cisco! Producer Felix is here to check up on up. Getting up early and late sunny nights. Is Bill the most cantankerous one in Harbor Freight? Is Kelley the older sibling now? Bill is back on his old man bullshit, and refurbishing his Weber grill. Bill brings a sincere list of reasons he likes Mary this week, did she do the same, as promised? We have new portable equipment now, so we can start planning our Skippers trip. Bill has a sorta gross story about Max the dog and ants. (Listen to Frontier Psychologist on the break.) Bill is giving up on privacy and embracing convenience. We get in a discussion about what Herman calls chaps, and it leads to talk of Megan Thee Stallion’s latest video. Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Lemoned Chicken (as Mary calls it) and Carnival Corn Dogs. Hot News! The fair will happen in person this year. Umpire Pants Out!

Well, we tried, we failed, we learned nothing along the way, and we are still mad at each other. Enjoy this weeks-long journey through the pandemic, where Mary refuses to join the herd and wear comfortable pants, Kelley desperately tries to convince her to, and Bill is just sort of amused by how it all plays out.

Umpire Pants is fully vaccinated and back in person! Our dad knows what’s up with pants, even though out mom ever figured it out during the pandemic. Mary still can’t think of three reasons she likes Bill. Mary has some money saving tips. Mary is annoyed by her new cats, and we talk about cats for a bit too long. The Mariners are terrible, and have been forever, and Bill wants to talk about it. Oh Word? Kelley talks about some names that have confused her. A case of mistaken identity. Reviews of cooking recipes. Kelley has a lo-cal recipe. Recipes from First Graders! Kelley’s Hint List! Clean coffee pots for best taste. How to remove old coffee stains. Don’t scratch metal pipes to prevent microbial growth. Umpire Pants Out!

Kelley’s keeping Bill on his toes with false-starts today. Big news! Mary got new cats! And they’ve got some seriously Seattle names. New tattoos. We’re recording in person next week you guys!!! We have some minor tech issues, but carry on. Volcano talk and Twitter weirdos. Oh Word! Which regional term do you use? More pet talk, but it’s hose weather, so give us a break. Bill’s song pick of the week: Surfing on a Rocket by Air. We come right back from the break with a call from listener Bruce – is he going to survive the non-pizza pressures of vaccinated living? Mary has some hopscotch beef, and we get mad about how hard the game jacks is. Mary brings up an unfinished bit – why does she like Bill? Mary’s Reviews of Cooking Recipes! This rye bread review has one of the funniest sentences we’ve ever heard. Mary is being really cagey about her microphone issues. Recipes from First Graders! Kelley’s Hint List! Shake your artificial flowers in cornmeal to clean them. Remove food from refrigerator before broiling. Stagger your baking sheets for better air flow in the oven. Umpire Pants Out!

Mary wants to apologize about last week’s show. Mary and Bill are intermittent fasting and it’s going pretty well. Kelley completed an 8-week dumbbell workout, and recommends trying it if you’re interested. People are acting like idiots and causing a gas shortage. Is Mary being reckless, with her headphones in, walking downtown? Mary tried to give Kelley cabbage instead of cauliflower, and boy was something stinky! Mary is trying a tomato plant on her balcony, stay tuned to see if it gets fruit! Listener Vera emails with some bad plastic packaging. Oh Word!: As the crow flies. Mary’s break song of the week: Woke Up this Morning (Sopranos Theme). Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Compostable zip top bags. Listener Bruce calls in with some beef! Recipes from First Graders! We have an update from last week: Limber de Coco. Kelley’s Hint List! We get a rundown of the May Maxine calendar cartoon, and it’s “technically” a joke. Umpire Pants Out!

This record was a real late boy! Bill is rocking the giant glasses, giant phone case look. Mary spins a confusing tale of sarsaparilla. Follow-up to Fair Talk, what should we enter in the State Fair? We get our first caller – listener Bruce has a deal for Mary! Mary can’t comprehend keeping Kleenex in the back window of a car. Car talk. Max the dog has neighborhood friends. Mary sent Kelley a weird photo today. Puce Pants Pants Stance: We’re Done. Mary’s Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Recipes from First Graders! Aaaand, Mary accidentally ends the show early, and she’s not even mad, just lacking concentration for some reason. Umpire Pants Out!

Mary wants to start the show mid-argument, so let’s go! We’ve messed up Mother’s day with our vaccine schedules. We’re not saving Mary if she joins a cult. Ween update! Mary wants us to all enter something in the fair, and boy are we excited! Bill’s jaw pain is better! Kelley turns down a dinner date. Bill’s exciting for camping season, and we talk about car tents. Is Kelley having a midlife crisis, or did she just dye her hair and start a new hobby the same week? We get a Pants Stance and Stair Update. Kelley’s shocking confession has Bill stunned. Mary’s Reviews of Cooking Recipes. Kelley’s Hint List! Clean wicker furniture with salt water. Umpire Pants Out!

It’s Episode Pants! Kelley got a vaccine appointment closer to home, so she’s not going the Super Mall. Why does Costco sell bear spray here? Mary has tales of self checkout. Good packaging alert – Crutchfield! Styrofoam cooler ban in Washington State and a possible cooler hack. Bill’s worried his UW sweatshirt is giving people the wrong idea. We have an exciting stair update guys! Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Friday Night Dinner (that’s two Umpire Pants recommendations for this show, now guys). Bill has a grill update. Mary has a Pants Stance: she’s actively hiding pants now. Bill has a scheme for shared cat custody. Mary has a review of a cooking recipe. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Thai Coconut Skillet Meal from Costco. Summer Goals: Mary needs to do a Jean Wean, and Bill needs to see Ween. Mary is being willfully obtuse about why she tried freezing a sweet potato. Kelley’s Hint List: Check and repair your tires frequently. We end the show dreaming of Skippers. Umpire Pants Out!

It’s spring cleaning time, and Mary is throwing hers on the street. We’ve got some more vaccine appointments, folks, so we’re getting jacked for hugs. Bill goes scrappin’ and gets a new grill, what a dude! Remember Betty’s Burgers in Seattle? Excessive packaging is infuriating, and Bill reiterates that he’s a teriyaki whale who doesn’t like styrofoam. Pressure Cooker of the Week: Bluetooth headphones. Reviews of Cooking Recipes: Pizza. Nextdoor Update: Intense wildlife edition. Pants Stance: are we giving in and trying umpire pants? Recipes from first graders! Pearson’s Nut Roll at the baseball game! Kelley’s Hint List! Make sure your heating plant is up to date. Save leftover cretonne material for small projects. Bedspread making tips. Umpire Pants Out!

Kelley bleeps herself right off the bat today, rather than risk using an offensive term. (The video game Kelley referenced was Diablo III guys, but I’m sure you could tell from her description.) Do we need a weed tolerance break? Stair Update: 19! How do we feel about Hulk Hogan? We’re scared of him, okay? Mary has beef with Spotify and it’s causing multi-day fights in her household. Mary is back with her Fully Vaccinated Adventures and a trip to her favorite bar. Pants Stance? Mary hates Puce. Mary’s water bill troubles and illegal cable. Garry Shandling’s shows. Mary gets confused about starting it, but we do Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Kelley’s Hint List! Make a folding table out of a luggage rack. Use Swedish plaster to fix stucco cracks. Keep your car engine the right temp. Umpire Pants Out!