Umpire Pants

New week new president. Rock tumbler update. We talk about the pitch experiment and corpse flowers, even though we know no facts about either one. How many people die on donkey Grand Canyon tours every year? Taking Max to the beach results in classic stinker behavior. Seventies movies and the drive-in. Mary admits she was wrong! Jeopardy edition. What weird things are we missing these days? Thrift stores, Costco Samples, fancy parties. Fred Meyer Update: They do have some malt liquor in stock. Dry January update: It’s going okay. We’re confused about the timeline with the show we didn’t release, but that allows us to bring up the great time travel movie Primer (2004). Groundhog day. Mary’s Shit List of the Week: Not cutting sandwiches in half. Mary’s shocked at the price of slotted spoons these days. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Using homemade slime as a keyboard cleaner. Oh Word? We answer Herman’s email from Episode 176. Who is the first famous person when you hear the name Bob? Mary and Kelley’s answers are odd ones. Recipes From First Graders! Kelley’s Hint List! Another boiler hint, folks. Umpire Pants Out!

YOU GET A BONUS EP THIS WEEK! Recorded 1/8/21. Enjoy!

Another weird week in our country (this was the coup week, guys). Is Trump similar to Jerry Jones, age 78? Bill has bad TMJ pain, and his soft food diet has him craving weird stuff. Mary’s stair update: 12. Kelley’s elevator was down, so she has a stair update too, and lots of rambling regarding elevators and new furniture. Bill has a Nextdoor update. We talk about Quantum Leap, and who would’ve guessed Kelley doesn’t like the show but listened to a podcast about it? (Shoutout to that podcast: Quantum Leap: A Look Bakula!) Mary had fire alarm testing without warning. Mary doesn’t have nicknames for her cat, and she thinks we’re the weird ones. We talk about the show pic hotdog. Mary declares war on snowcones and makes us furious. What’s more adult than Frasier Crane? Remember backgammon? Oh, Word?! We have a question for Mary email! Bill talks about the word cane. We briefly (for real) talk about Bean Dad. We read Recipes from First Graders! Mary has a weird hint from Reader’s Digest. Kelley’s Hint List! Umpire Pants Out!

We remember our late Great Aunt Mary Carroll. (Nate Bargatze Joke break.) Bill found an old man hobby: rock tumbling! Mary disparages beards. Mary received a mystery gift in the mail. Windstorm in Seattle. Bill’s neighbors with Ned Flanders. Mary and Kelley share some recipes. We get a good stair update! Bill has an old man Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Steam Mops. Mary wants to talk about commercials, and Bill thinks she’d like Star Trek The Next Generation. What are the poor barflies doing right now? Why don’t more places make change tip-friendly? We do some Recipes from First Graders! Kelley’s Hint List! Paint your ceiling for extra basement light. Move your fridge away from your stove for maximum efficiency. Get a strong spark so your car runs well. Umpire Pants Out!

Well, to top of a pretty shitty week, Kelley did something monumentally stupid and lost the podcast file this week! The originals still exist, so don't despair, you'll hear it one day when Kelley can stand to re-do all the work. So that you don't worry too much, we're re-releasing this classic from one year ago. If you're sad there isn't a new Ep, tell one friend about our show, and we'll see you next week. Umpire Pants Out!

Skiing and scuba diving in the PNW. New Year’s Eve in Seattle. Mary is doing Dry January, and she already regrets it (and we recorded in December). Stair update. Mary had to take Simon to the vet (WARNING: we make distressed cat noises here!). We talk about eggs for awhile. Mary still argues it’s no big deal to drink while driving. I seem to have spaced out taking notes, once again…Kelley has that pumpkin update you’ve all been waiting for! Kelley’s Hint List! Use alcohol to clean. Cut potatoes in half to save fuel. Remove floor wax with these simple toxic chemicals (open your windows, friends)! Umpire Pants Out!

The first day of winter was a doozy in the Seattle area. We remember a weird antique store with a creepy doll room. Getting lost driving. Mary is going to try Dry January. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The John Carpenter Movie They Live. Mary is setting up a hummingbird fight club, and thinks cats will burn to death if you don’t prevent it. King of the Dudes! Mary got a Rant and Rave published in the Seattle Times! Improperly fitted masks in the NFL. Which side is your appendix on, Bill?! What about your gizzard? Recipes from First Graders. Macaroons, Banana Split. Mary’s parking ticket saga. Kelley’s Hint List! Turn off lights to save money. Wax your car’s chassis. Turn on faucets before buying a house. Umpire Pants Out!

Well, Kelley sounds like shit in the first half, sorry about that. But Sherrie is here! We try to explain why we are more than just neighbors and friends. We hear what it’s like to have little kids during the pandemic. Stair update from Mary. We bet on how old camels live for some reason. Can we talk Sherrie into buying a Santa Toilet seat cover? The important thing is that we talk about Toilet Santa, once again. Driving around to look at Christmas lights. We remember the classic Bellevue Square restaurant Jungle Jim’s and our parents pulling a great scam getting pictures with Santa. Will Sherrie and Kelley revive their legendary ventriloquist act? We do recipes from first graders! Funeral Casserole and BBQ Cups. Kelley’s Hint List! Carpet sweeper maintenance. Take your time checking over laundry. Make your own boot cleaner. Umpire Pants Out!

and some other follow-ups. If Bill could time travel he’d take Mountain Dew back in time. Toilet Santa update. Shit List of the Week: Toilet Santas. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Black Santas. An Arlo Guthrie update and Woodstock talk. We try to help Mary turn the sound down on her cell phone, to great results. Rant and Rave’s from the Seattle Times. Mary claims the dog doesn’t die in Marley and Me, and she’s seen it! Recipes from First Grader’s return! Kelley forgets to read the intro to Kelley’s Hint List! A hint about making ice last. Umpire Pants Out!

Mary reveals some legends she’s seen in concert but never mentioned to us before. We have that Towering Inferno update you’ve been waiting for. Mary watched Diehard. Mary thinks we need a vaccine heist movie. Sammy Davis Junior comes up twice today. Mary has a short person hack for everyone, and Kelley disappears. Mary has a story about good Samaritans working together in Seattle. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Folks maintaining Little Food Pantries. We talk about Christmas decorations and try to gauge tackiness. Bill thought of a homemade specialty tool. Stair Update! Kelley has some good news about a segment returning. Kelley’s Hint List! A hint telling you to add salt to boil your water gets Mary riled up. Re-using flour sack fabric. We grill Mary about some honey. Use tarnish proof paper to protect your handbag. Umpire Pants Out!

How did Thanksgiving go? Well, Max got a special dinner! Mary is into the show Longmire. Bill had his traditional Black Friday movie fest. It’s Christmas now, and more people are getting real trees. Should Mary annoy people with her cowbell to promote Umpire Pants? Bringing pig guts to the legislature in Taiwan. Trumps tiny desk photo has us all questioning reality. A brief update on Jeopardy! Stair update from Mary. Homemade and modified tools. Raccoons in your house. Mary uses shoes as hammers like a maniac. Kelley’s Hint List! Make sure there is enough lumber in a house before you buy it. Pack shoes inside of socks for traveling. Remove lipstick stains with lard. Sprout the top of a pineapple in water. Umpire Pants Out!