Umpire Pants

Wildfire smoke has engulfed the entire west coast. Vegas and Disneyworld. We speculate on train brakes instead of looking it up. Mary apologizes to all and sundry. We ponder the meaning of a sandwich board at a restaurant. Bill sees some ridiculous Next Door meddling. Bill has a follow up on the round bank window. We talk about old cars and wrecks. (Herman’s) Question for Mary! Herman asks Mary to bring some confusing clichés or idioms next week. Send in your own! We read from a first grader recipe book again! Kelley’s Hint List! Use pie pans to protect burners from grease. Use a bag of salt instead of a hot water bottle. Dealing with creaky floor boards. Umpire Pants Out!

Bill’s plan for sleeping on the podcast shed floor and pets waking you up. School has started online, and everyone’s figuring it out still, but we can all agree the federal response sucks. A mysterious round window in Redmond. Rocks that spark when you rub them together. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Defaced Trump/Pence signs. Herman’s back! And he has a two-part question for Mary. We read some recipes written by first graders. Reminiscing about NW Hardware Chain Ernst, once again. Kelley’s Hint List! Lubing your cleaner. Dust your light bulbs. Vacuum suits to lower dry cleanings. Direction of your heating pipes. Learn how to fire your fuel. Have valves ground. Umpire Pants Out!

Mary starts off hot by hanging up on the recording. Bill brags about seeing the Ramones. Mary reiterates her hate of Heart. Should we adopt a highway? And is Less Piss More Jugs a good slogan? Follow up on the fake lox cream cheese. Kelley shares a book her second grade class made. Ice Cream Trucks of the Week: Bambi, Mango Pizza and Pickles. The Slow and Low Boys. We read some recipes written by first graders. Kelley’s Hint List! Use salt on rugs before you vacuum. How to remove ice cream stains. Check your boiler valves. Buttoning stiff-tab collars. Don’t vacuum up sharp stuff. Use ammonia to neutralize cigarette smoke. Check your fridge’s seal with a piece of paper. Umpire Pants Out!

My computer installed updates and restarted last night, and I lost all my work, so enjoy this minimally edited edition of Umpire Pants! Is Mary ending the show today? Mary takes issue with her recording nickname but can’t explain why. Bill’s watching old shows. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Corny Local TV Stuff. Local radio and fake bits. Mary was happy with the DNC. Bill’s washing machine has an error code, and the internet is not helping him figure it out. Email us if you want a picture of Bill’s injury! Listener Vera picks the break song. Questions for Mary is on hiatus. We talk about recurring dreams, but try to keep it brief. Coast to Coast AM. Recipe blogs. Should we do the show live on the street? Kelley’s Hint List! How to remove tea stains. I gave up on notes after losing my files…Umpire Pants Out!

We’re a Sammy Hagar podcast now. Mary’s working on a new craft project since she can’t go to bars this winter. Mary’s vegan cream cheese problem – it’s the Shit List of the Week! An onion recall leads us to a great onion scam. Seatbelt laws and wearing a seatbelt vs. getting “thrown clear” from your car. Herman’s back to ask Mary a question – can she beat the clock? We enter into a very confusing bet. Kelley’s Hint List! Cleaning vases. Remove fish odors from utensils. Fixes for common door problems. Potato cooking tips to save energy. How to repair hoses. How to quickly dry paint to check the dried color. Maintenance tips for your washing machine. Umpire Pants Out!

Bill went camping, and got fancy with his campfire cooking. Bill floats a camping hotdog contest at midnight. Mary started off grumpy, can we cheer her up? Mary’s Sierra Club letter campaign gaff. We’re quitting Facebook again. Mary tries to say Okefenokee swamp. Kids rhymes and how they spread across the nation. We talk Rumpelstiltskin and Fairytale Theater (Kelley was wrong about the moral part). Stair update from Mary. Kelley’s spider story and craft project. Mary’s anti-tip for Eucalyptus Oil. Herman’s question for Mary. Kelley’s Hint List! Have your service man adjust your boiler if it’s in rough shape. Ironing and starching hint. Calm that feverish urge when it comes to your roof! Pour boiling water to remove stains. Umpire Pants Out!

We start out hot with politics talk, but it doesn’t last long. Mary was featured in an email newsletter! Shout out to TBTL. This is an eggs Benedict podcast now. Are we doing a Jaws Podcast Podcast, or what? Mary’s stair update. What can you use old cooking oil for? Kelley bought a weird dress. Flour sacks and drywall designs. Mary was in a focus group. Herman joins us for a new segment! (Henny Youngman joke.) Kelley’s Hint List! Adjust your vacuum hoses frequently. Refrigerator maintenance tips. Freshen your fridge with borax. Making aluminum utensils last. What to do with a big broken mirror. Mary defends last week’s song choice. Umpire Pants Out!

Sorry for the late upload this week, guys! It’s just Mary and Bill to start the show. Mary’s volunteer Zoom call has her worked up. (I leave the typing in because it’s so cartoonish.) Mary’s brunch recipe. Indoor dining and going to the dentist during COVID-19. The Seattle Metropolitans won during the Spanish Flue pandemic. Kelley joins just in time for hockey talk. We welcome the Kraken to Seattle, and declare ourselves immediate fans. We recommend Dorktown on Youtube if you want to learn about the Mariners. Is the Space Needle worth it? Confused by anti-maskers, how about this story? Mary recommends GLOW. Ice Cream Truck of the Weeks: Old Jeopardy reruns; The Muppet Movie; and Britain’s Best Home Cook. Kelley’s Hint List: Don’t crowd your bookshelves. Cook prunes on your pilot light. Boil your cracked dishes in milk. Kelley teases a new segment for next week. Umpire Pants Out!

Cousin Danielle is here! Happy Birthday to our dad. It’s Episode 151 so we share our 151 Rum stories. Bill finally saw a bear. Outdoor movies during COVID-19. Bill’s a camping dirt-bag, but is he a thief? Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Kanye dropped out, and Kelley has a new ice cream cone treat. (Woah, I forgot to take notes for awhile!) We ask our guest some questions! We use the same ones as last week, and Mary’s is still confusing. Kelley’s Hint List! How to freshen up suede. Dipping your flower pots in paraffin. Shellac your cookbook covers. Danielle explains an old family joke. Mary drops off the call, and we don’t notice until we can’t end the show. Umpire Pants Out!

Cousin Christy is back! Bill’s camping. Cast iron talk. Kelley’s awkward elevator exchange leads to a stair challenge. We get into some ear hair talk, and Mary loves it! Rapid spread of conspiracies these days. Are we into Martha Stewart? Kelley has a great idea for Mary’s Sierra Club letters she’s writing. Shitlist of the Week: Kanye running for president. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Good kids doing good stuff and a garden that’s finally producing fruits of labor. Lose a job get a pie in our family. Schools are scheduled to reopen with no federal assistance. We don’t have the spreadsheet, so we have a shitshow of Kelley’s Hint List today. Umpire Pants Out!