Umpire Pants

Noice! We’re doing a Thanksgiving Ep and cousins Christy and Danielle are back! We talk about Thanksgiving food and memories. Alice’s Restaurant. Fruitcake. What are we all making this year? And where do rolls come into play for everyone? The joy of leftovers. The origin of chocolate pie becoming a holiday tradition for us. Peak fruit salad. Our ongoing quest to get our dad to try weed again. We get a stair update, pushup update, and stair update. Juniper sent in some sayings to talk about – Get Your Ducks in a Row & Let’s Blow This Popsicle Stand. Ice Cream Truck of the Weeks! Kelley reads an unhelpful review. Kelley’s Hint List! How to get glue stains out. Order of operations when ironing. Caring for your swim cap. Remove brown stains from glass utensils. Umpire Pants Out! Stick around or Alice’s Restaurant.

Bill starts the show with a hypothetical about quarterback Russell Wilson, and Kelley is shocked to learn English muffins are in two places at their local grocery stores. Giving medicine to a cat vs. a dog. Mary is not afraid of germs. We talk about the election some more, but not too much. Kelley’s Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The TV show Greenleaf. PSA – Please don’t travel for Thanksgiving, guys! Mary gives a stair update, in maybe the most concise way ever. Our stories of pedestrian-rage. Do we have soft bones? Bill has a Nextdoor update. Bill fills us in on a great scam he learned about. Major League Baseball finally has a female manager. Mary’s Shit List of the Week: Truffles. What’s up with these weird perfume scents? The good old days of smuggling alcohol into stadiums. We don’t do much these days, but Bill has a dump story. Kelley’s Hint List! Presoak dirty work clothes. Roof repair tips. Umpire Pants Out!

We recorded this on Friday, before the election was called, and it was a long fuckin’ week, guys. We try to keep the election talk brief. We talk about what we did for Halloween. Bill recommends Inside Man, the heist movie, and discusses Shaun of the Dead, and Hocus Pocus. We get another stair update from Mary. Mary renames Bill. For some reason she can’t explain, Mary watched Hubie Halloween. Mary is back with a comparison between her banana cake recipe and regular banana bread. Mary is mad about delivery “to your door.” We read some recipes by first graders. Kelley’s Hint List! Tips for roof repairs. Umpire Pants Out!

Alright, guys, if you haven’t voted yet you know you have to drop your ballot at a dropbox, right? Do that, then you can listen to our anxiety filled pre-election episode, okay? Mary watched the Borat movie. Sorry for the Halloween talk after Halloween, but Bill wants to warn you about edibles. Shawn Kemp opened a weed store in Seattle. Bill declares: Gumby Rules! Bill is still trying to turn this into a Taxi podcast. Kelley’s going to tackle a Pectin candy recipe, if she can figure it out. Mary has another confusing stair update. Mary responds to an newsletter from her financial guy. We discuss the saying “keep a stiff upper lip.” Mary’s Shit List of the Week: Using stock footage of needles in television adds. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Oil Spray set from Costco. Will there be more real Christmas trees sold this year? What about turkeys? We read some recipes by first graders! Kelley’s Hint List! Replace your curtains with transparent ones to save electricity. Umpire Pants Out!

Bill is sick, so Kelley and Mary are doing a short boy. Do people like Trump’s dancing? We got our flu shots and that leads to Gumby talk. Turns out Mary really hates Gumby. Kelley was impressed with the Covid test process in Seattle. Last week’s story about Mary’s fridge reminded us we need fire extinguishers. Mary has a stair update. Kelley names all of her houseplants and accepts a challenge from Mary. Kelley comes back from the break with her Friday Edible in full effect. Mary doesn’t like quirky stuff on packaging, and thinks the dinosaur adventure drive through sounds dumb. Mary has a saying she didn’t used to understand, that Kelley still can’t figure out. We read some Hints from Helloise and wonder if she faked her questions. Kelley thinks we’re ending the show, but Mary wants to talk murder hornets. Umpire Pants Out!

Mary has written 300 letters and is weirdly pissed that we’re not more congratulatory. Car battery update. We get pretty local talking Sasquatch and the Wheedle. Mary had a frightening event last week, but she recovered with some banana cake. Stair update: Mary figured out how to set an alarm. Bill tells a story about Mary’s problem solving skills, and our family’s history with shitty cars. Kelley shares a new recipe she made up, but let’s be honest, it’s mostly for one listener. Shit List of the Week (or Shit Truck this week): Bean bag chairs. Mary completely loses her temper over a car alarm, and comes off as a bit unhinged. Recipes from First Graders! Kelley’s Hint List! How to use a carpet sweeper. To save energy, stop using colored light bulbs. Iron your bedspread the long way, to keep it from shrinking. Umpire Pants Out!

This one’s a shit-show from start to finish, and we apologize, but it’s been a long week, guys. Mary’s audio improves after the second half. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Kelley saw a baby mouse. What does Mary DO all day? Who is eating on mic?!? Errant text messages. Mary had some juniper flavored poison. We make future plans for Madlibs and Kelley explains an adverb. You can teach cats things. Stair update. We read some recipes from first graders. Mary recommends a movie. Bill has to leave so we half-ass a few hints. Umpire Pants Out!

Trump has Covid-19 and we’re not gonna lie, we think it’s funny as fuck. But don’t forget Melania was just on tape saying Fuck Christmas, and that got us to speculate what she considers hard work. Bill is destroying a piano. Max Update: Good Boy. Shout-out to the Seattle Storm. Football without crowds. Tune in to a future episode for the exciting conclusion of Bill’s New Mouth-guard and Mary’s New Pillow! Stair Update. What did Mary want the drugstore employee to say, that would make her less grumpy? We get a Nextdoor Update from Bill (Note from Kelley: What did Mary think was so funny if she didn’t get the Honda thing?) Bill tells us about a British guy trying a Wiggin Kebab at a local chippy. We have some more sayings/idioms to discuss. Blankets and sleepwalking. We read some recipes written by first graders! Kelley’s Hint List! Store books upright to prevent damage. Fix minor basement leaks with this hint. Prevent grease build up in your drains with hot salt water. Remove pins and check over clothes when doing laundry. Use a blanket to protect linoleum floors. Umpire Pants Out!

Bill is living the shed life, falling down and hanging out with raccoons. Calm your tits on MSG. Mary has a game-changer for your granola. Mary called the prayer line! America’s fucked up medical system. We get a very confusing stair update from Mary. Commercials these days are very home-oriented. We have a quick fast food burger chat. We’re doing a White Men Can’t Jump podcast, guys. Bill’s continuing the “sayings we didn’t understand” segment. Our dad is trying teach the cat to wink. We read some recipes from first graders. Kelley’s Hint List! Several options to re-do a dress. Line your linen walls (this one gets Mary fired up). Using an eraser with your typewriter. Umpire Pants Out!

The smoke has finally cleared in Seattle and Bill watched Top Gun. Tom Cruz talk. We have an update on the sandwich board across the street that we didn’t understand. Shit List of the Week: Foot injuries and Ken Jennings. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Watermelon and Milk Popsicles and using herbs with fruit pies. Herman’s back for his final appearance of A Question for Mary and we follow up on idioms. Recipes from first graders. Mary brings a whack hint from Reader’s Digest. Kelley’s Hint List! Cut flowers shorter the older they get. Adjust your car’s carburetor etc. frequently. Wipe piano keys with denatured alcohol. Umpire Pants Out!