Our cousin Christy is here! Bill has a dump follow-up. Mary has been married 50 Years!!! Tune in for her marriage tips! We fantasize about a huge post-pandemic party. Kelley’s unsafe walk story. Mary’s insurance company wants to come assess her and she’s fuming. We ask our guest some pre-written questions: Favorite Golden Girl? What one food would you eat for a month straight? What was the last pre-pandemic thing you did? Kelley’s Hint List! Oil your scissors with your fingers. Remove leaves from below water line of vases. Storing sewing scissors. Glamorize your old dress by adding a panel. Umpire Pants Out!

We try to force an episode title. Insane Clown Posse talk returns. Portable music players and tapes. We’re watching Problem Child 2 as a family. We have nothing to talk about because we’re still not doing anything. Wear your god damn masks! Bill is going to learn to do a cartwheel. We declare ships in bottles to be “stupid.” Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Indomie Ramen. Creepy comedians. Mary has a list of food she doesn’t like. Shit List of the Week: Chuck Mangione’s Feels So Good. More Jello talk and a specific burn from Herman. Tea talk. Kelley’s Hint List! Bill has the spreadsheet this time! Number your shirts so they’re well rotated. Keep baking powder dry. Applying liquid moth spray. Watering house plants while on vacation. Umpire Pants Out!

It’s Party Time. Kelley set off a fire alarm? Father’s Day. Living in weird times. Shou-tout to ICP and Guy Fieri. We, as a nation, should have an extended holiday break in the summer. Reality TV. We’re taking submissions for guests! Email us if you’d like to call in. Kelley’s banking adventures. Mary has random words pop into her head. Jello-Cupcakes. Fast food prices. Mary’s weird food and fork stuff result in a great sound bite. Weightlifting and steroids. Kelley’s Hint List! Repairing your handbag. Mary’s bra hint. Remove soot from your furnace. Umpire Pants Out!

Kelley’s cupcake debacle starts the show late and throws off Bill’s intro. Follow-up file: The fire alarm last week was beeping every 30 seconds, for the record. Songs featuring our names (Bill wins this round). Mary watches Mad Dogs now and recommends Trumbo. Bill recommends Top of the Lake and teases Starship Troopers. Describing directions in a confusing way. Are your sheets in style? Ice Cream Truck of the Week: English Muffins. Pizza talk. Minor technical difficulties. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Pioneer Square’s Hanging Flower Baskets. Kelley’s Hint List! Keep your slide fasteners in good shape. Make a shopping list before calling in your order. Cleaning enameled wood. Don’t deform your pots with quick temp changes. Ammonia and fabric. Umpire Pants Out!

Bill poops at parks? Bill cuts out again. Bill watched some good Studio Ghibli movies for Felix’s birthday. Some food updates and Kelley’s Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Pumpkin Oatmeal. Mary is drinking golden crisp carbs. More movie recaps. Bill watched Taxi and we agree we love Tony Danza. Mary has a new list of things she doesn’t want to hear us say anymore. Mary gets dangerously close to talking shit about Oprah. Shout-out to everyone protesting the last two weeks! (Break song inspired by protesters chanting it this week.) Kelley’s smoke detector debacle. Mary’s waving pals are moving. Kelley’s shopping trip and run in with a conspiracy guy. We finish up our Top Ten TV Themes lists from last week. Kelley’s Hint List! How to care for your hose. Umpire Pants Out!

Bill has a very squeaky chair today, and there is some major background noise, sorry. Is Bill turning into Mary? He drinks beer out of glasses now and skips meals. Kelley and Mary donated blood and Mary has gripes. Food updates. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Jalapeno Popper Bites. Mary tries to raise her digital hand to talk, and it doesn’t go well. Flatheads are called Jones Heads now. Bill’s fan repair update. Mary can’t believe we don’t send people to space anymore. Industrial composting. Bill drops off our call, and confusion reigns. Max’s cone update. Kelley’s working on a craft project and Mary takes a hard stance on white board paint. We follow-up on our top ten theme songs (first five this week). Brady Bunch lovers are not welcome here. Kelley’s Hint List! How to get shoe polish stains out. Umpire Pants Out!

Max’s vet adventure. Kelley’s hair cut. Bill drops off for a minute and I don’t edit it out (turns out his recording didn’t cut out, so it’s chaotic for a second). Mary talks commercials. Email from our dad! Mary had a cinnamon roll challenge bake-off. Are we ever going back to offices, and will this be the end of “open concept” layouts? Bill watched an episode of Man About the House (the original British version of Three’s Company). Bill recommends JJ Cale’s music (played at the break). Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Waving at a kid and the Final Dutch Baby Update. How are sports going to work in the future? Beat You To the Punchline! Kelley’s Hint List! Make a jewelry cleaning solution. Make some furniture polish. Don’t prepare single dishes in your oven. Bread, toast and casserole. Umpire Pants Out!

Cats on laps. Follow ups from last week. Enduring pop culture. Working from home attire. Mary’s “Rear Window” situation. Names and nicknames. Three’s Company update. RIP Fred Willard. TV shows from 1977 – Were any of them good? Bill is scared of The Incredible Hulk. Hot Ones (wing show). Food updates (and injury updates). (CORRETION CORNER: I said we add peas and carrots to our Curry Tofu, we add peas and potatoes – Kelley). Too much ginger. Free meat. Mary meditates to Who Got the Hooch. Vera forces Beat You to the Punchline to return. Mary’s doing yoga for 80 year olds. Kelley’s Hint List! De-rust your boiler water. Don’t fiddle with your thermostat. Removing paper from wood. Umpire Pants Out!

Wiz Kid William is here with his sister and mom! Kelley bought some Garbage Pail Kids for some reason, so we talk about Cabbage Patch Kids. Puzzles are hard to get right now. Shows that make you feel bad but you watched anyway: Garbage Pail Kids the movie and Inspector Gadget. People driving like maniacs right now. Mary tries Beat You to the Punchline! Mary has car-blindness. New country. What’s inside your butthole? Mary doesn’t want to know. Rhoda. Writing to politicians. Fat guy, giant top hat, painted belly. Seeing movies too young. Disney and Star Wars. Hands on a Hardbody. Popovers. Kelley’s Hint List! Keep your railings in good shape. Getting ink stains out. Getting scorch stains out. Umpire Pants Out!

Bill’s hanging out with eagles and inviting pandas over. Eating at Sizzler. Cleaning your ficus. Wild children in the neighborhood growing up. Weed candy and regular candy. The Golden Girls and other things to watch. Working Hands lotion. Some major Glover confusion. How are we holding up during lock-down? Giving pets medicine. Bill made a table. Things we saw out the window. Mary burned rice. Home videos. Dazed and Confused. Mary doesn’t like music. Three’s Company vs. Man About the House (the British original). Kelley’s Hint List! Insulate the outside of your boiler. Make a “conversation guide” before making long distance calls. Kitchen Art (produce in the shape of cock and balls). Camouflaging your clothes. Catalog shopping for jumpsuits. Umpire Pants Out!